Simple Revival

I wouldn’t say I’ve been lacking sleep, but the desire to sleep like a cat (up for a few hours followed by six to eight hours of sleep) hit me over the past few days and I have to admit I was a little worried that it was a sign of depression rearing its ugly head.

The worst thing about clinical depression is that it is purely chemical. It’s not caused by negative thoughts, although you can certainly feed the beast and make it worse. I did not. Instead, I took the lack of energy at its purest sign and simply let myself sleep. Still, I wonder what it might have been if I were on a regular working schedule, where I would have to get my ass up, grin and bear it.

Despite being out of work being something I don’t enjoy, I’m taking it as a time to listen to myself more. For some people, that’s a terrifying thing, laid bare by their every errant thought and having to deal with it. It’s not exactly cathartic, even to an introvert like me, but I’m slowly learning to adapt to a life that doesn’t challenge me with many outside sources anymore.

I’ve come to terms with it being a sort of creative depression at the moment, and it’s not a new frontier. There have been times in my life where, for years, I haven’t been able to access my creativity with vigor. It’s one thing that always concerned me since I’ve always intended to make it my livelihood.

Yet here’s the bare bones of it. I have so much to show for the bounteous times. I have written books and crocheted many things and completed dolls and collections... in those times where I was obsessed, I’ve given myself a buffer for those barren deserts that rear their ugly heads.

I miss the obsessions, for sure, but these times for reflection, for hanging on a thread, for uncertainty... they do have a place in it all. For now, I’m finding the small victories keep me going and I try not to worry, neither about the present nor the very uncertain future.

I’ve said these things before but I do need to reinforce them, to build my base of inner strength. I truly enjoy taking these somewhat empty times and filling them with games and spending time with my nephews. I don’t know where this pandemic is going, nor the future of this crumbling country, but I’m not obsessing on it, as easy as it would be to do that. People are demanding answers that aren’t so simple to manifest and I am patiently watching the minuscule progress, simply hoping for healing, for myself, for those I love, for the country, for the world. Hoping that fact may one day prevail over feeling.

Yet in the midst of it all, self care is still the most important. It prepares us to be more receptive to the bigger issues and give voice to reason.

Live Your Best Day

The lack of motivation persists. I spend a lot of days just focusing on basic needs and poking at games. I don’t feel any closer to getting touched by inspiration, but I’m not wallowing in misery over that. Anymore. At first, yeah, I beat myself up over it, but I’ve come to terms with the mental hurdles that are keeping me from a usually ambitious life. I used to love spending money but I’ve reached a point where it doesn’t really bring me pleasure to do so. I’m gratefully surrounded by the things I need and want and I’m not looking to live in more clutter. I’m saving and it’s... a quiet accomplishment, one I’ve never had the luxury to do before.

Mentally, I’ve been fighting an invisible war. I can’t quite beat the restlessness, an anticipation I can’t name. However, I know that pain often becomes part of a later drive that pushes me to excel. It is awful in the thick of it, but I know I will eventually beat it down and use it for something greater.

We don’t thank our enemies, but when we survive them, we learn more about how to handle the worst later. Sometimes we learn how to spot and avoid them, but when we can’t escape, we learn to endure and conquer. 

I really enjoy just sitting in my room and looking at what I’ve accomplished, though I often need to keep up this practice to remember I am deserving and talented. As an adult, I’ve had immense support and praise, but there is still that niggling edge of trauma from childhood that threatens to spoil so much. It’s amazing that creativity can manage to build heroes within us where we only feel vulnerability. We can become stronger where we least expect it, learn to discipline our most villainous doubts.

That’s why, I suppose, we can feel like we’re failing ourselves when we can’t summon up the urge to use our talents. Sometimes, we still have to be human and vulnerable, to fail before we understand the rewards of success.

I’ve begun to isolate myself more from social media, which is often toxic for me these days. I’m not sure now is the time I even want to invest in the every thought of strangers. I do believe this is mor3 of a time for introspection,

At first, I thought it might be depression, but I’m pretty functional. I’m just not a whole lot of extra like I truly enjoy being. But even those things that you enjoy can lose that flavor when the time isn’t right. I’m just not the sort of person who thrives on deadlines or hard set goals. There is a softness and a flow I’m searching for and it can neither be helped nor forced to revive.

For now, I am patient, reflective. Life is so very uncertain but racing the clock doesn’t assure we’ll accomplish everything with quality or grace.

Sometimes we just have to ‘be’.

Crazy Country

In truth, I have a lot to say about a lot of things. There’s an endless list these days though. One thing piled on top of the next. Where would I even start?

The problem is that the facts and the opinions are both exhausted and unchanging. It makes it exhausting to even discuss where you stand anymore. It’s just not that simple, putting all of those frustrations into digestible morsels. And yes, it’s largely an American problem. People want to be anti or pro and the rest of us, whether invested or not, we want to discuss the intricacies.

Yet people don’t want to discuss. They want to state their opinions then slam people for countering them. Use your own posts or platforms to scream into the void, they say. Social media is all at once becoming isolated and anti-discussion. Defeats the purpose, I know, but some people seem to love defying common sense.

Quite frankly, I just do the research, pocket it away and move on to finding some distraction. I wish I could say the distractions are ambitious or motivated or productive, but no, they haven’t been. I’ve simply been taking the edge off of the constant anxiety. I’m dedicated to social distancing and being as respectful (with masks) when it’s not possible, but it’s equally frustrating that there are so many people who aren’t. I don’t want to beat a dead horse with going into that again either, but it just seems like very few people even want to understand or value other people’s lives.

I constantly wish I could find a small window to motivate doing what I enjoy again. Now is the perfect time for it, but I do feel the weight of these issues too strongly and I wish I could be apathetic or escape into creativity or taking better care of myself, but I’ve been almost paralyzed by the unknown.

I’ve never needed perfect control, either of myself or anything or anyone around me. Nevertheless, I’ve never felt so untethered and lost. The presidential candidates for Democrat and Republican are a huge letdown. The government and politics are a huge letdown. American apathy and stubbornness is a huge letdown. Social reform is a whole lot of bullshit.

I might have been ‘live and let live’ at one time, but the definitions for words like freedom have fast become a series of loopholes for the worst human offenses. It doesn’t account for anyone but the assholes who want to live a certain way and think everyone else should too. People who slam the intelligence of others as if they are the intelligent ones are often the most misguided of all.

Stupidity isn’t really the problem, nor is ignorance. Apathy, the inability to treat others with respect and kindness and decency, is the depth of the problem. It’s a willfulness to discount the struggles of every individual. The issue is deeper than race or politics or history or circumstance. It’s the modern inability to build close community, to care about how difficult we make life for other people when we only consider ourselves and our circles. Circles are fast tightening until nothing but blatant narcissism truly remains.

I truly hope this country can learn to embrace virtuous ideals again. We don’t need gods or laws or reform; we need personal accountability. We need a conscience. We need each other, whether we like it or not.

My New BJD!

This will be a quickie but, yay, my Soom Super Gem Epidia arrived today, as expected, and I wanted to share a quick pic of her.

Can’t wait to personalize her look! She’s so gorgeous!

Happy Birthday to Me!

So, yes, first off, I did have a happy birthday yesterday. Being a quarantine birthday didn’t put a damper on it since I’ve never been one to go out and do much. My nephew Thomas came over, we ordered Outback, and watched anime and played video games. My sister Erin got me a zen garden and some edible arrangements and my dad gave me a sweet card. 

Although I said I was done ordering dolls, I really love the company I buy from and they had one doll that I absolutely couldn’t stop thinking about. She’s a dark brown skin Epidia sculpt and she’s supposed to be here tomorrow. Can’t wait to welcome a new doll to my collection. I still have quite a bit of doll work to do, but alas, some of the details are still in shipping so I can’t just dive in and finish everything.

My sister is still out of town so I’m still keeping an eye on my nephews. We haven’t been playing video games as much since their sleep schedules are way off of mine at the moment, but I’m trying to get them gradually back to a normal schedule.

There’s still a sense of limbo in my life but I’m going to introduce a new exercise program into my nonexistent schedule to attempt to revive my energy and drive. It’s a mobility and strength workout so it’s geared towards my personal goals. We’ll see how well I stay on track!

It’s a little crazy out there still. The school still isn’t certain how they’ll address these kids’ return to learning next month and masks have become mandatory because of the ridiculous amount of people who still aren’t taking this seriously. On a good note, protests are not attracting looting and violence anymore. On the down side though... girls are still going missing in the area, thought to be victims of the sex trafficking problem still prevalent in America. Like I said, crazy, but people just have a really hard time handling the changes and news. We’re more likely to be encumbered by the shit show on social media with little to do being cooped up indoors. The trick to being positive and objective is non-existent but I think we all have some soul-searching and self-care to do.

It will take some time and effort to adapt, as many of us are slow or stubborn to change. Very little to do but try to develop the mindset to make the most of a challenge. 

My first review!

Well, if you’re a writer, then you know getting a decent review can be like pulling teeth. That’s very much a reason why I never bothered to ask anyone to write one. I set out to publish just to tuck it under my belt, put a feather in my cap, pick your old-timey metaphor.

So it came as a pleasant surprise to get a notification from Smashwords to say that I actually got one! I’ll post it and share my own thoughts.

First off, it needs to be said that I really truly appreciate this review. It starts with an assessment in editing and grammar. Although both ‘spitting image’ and ‘loathe’ are actually correct uses, it’s true enough that there is both a grammatical debate on splitting image/spitting image/spit and image and this is a historical branching, none being incorrect, just a preference. As far as ‘loathe’ goes, while ‘loathe’ is considered a verb and ‘loath’ an adjective, they are also historically used interchangeably and the spelling is not controversial enough to be misunderstood when used.

I’m very happy, also, that he does consider the work epic fantasy. That’s very much in debate when a woman writes sexual scenes, sadly. It’s a good confirmation that the overall genre was recognizable.

As far as the battle scenes goes, he very much confirmed what I actually hoped was the case. I was not looking to write ‘strong’ or detailed battle scenes. In fact, that was always a turn-off for me as an epic fantasy fan. I don’t want to be encumbered by too many details of strategy, weaponry, or vocabulary. While some do like this, I chalk it up to taste and I don’t feel like it hurts the intent. While it’s probably true that none of the characters appear to be in mortal danger, that also wasn’t the intent in this first book. I considered this book to be an exploration of this world, a playground for the introduction of the characters while making the villain ambiguous and not yet important. It’s about the driving forces and motivations prior to learning the bigger picture. I do hope that the other elements become more clear to readers through the series. I’m a slow burn writer.

What I did appreciate is that the plots and characters did come off as deep and entertaining. This, of course, was the primary intent. And yes, the sex scenes aren’t for everyone, but I aim to use sex scenes both to display vulnerability and flaws and, undoubtedly, those who aren’t a fan of them will likely miss the point. It’s a risk we take as writers, and a controversial choice. In this first book, they aren’t particularly detailed and I didn’t aim to make them comfortable. However, as long as the story itself holds water, it’s forgivable that they might be distracting to some.

Overall, I feel like this was a very valuable experience. I am not quite so forgiving of this book, to be honest, and it was an odd decision that I didn’t perfect what I felt was ‘wrong’ with it. For one, when I found it on an old storage disc, it was a mess. It actually underwent a lot of correction to both awkward dialogue and weak characterization. However, I was undoubtedly drawn to the basic plots and potential and decided to make something of it. I believe my priority became to take an awkward base and use it to mature and develop the writing as the characters grew. In a sense, to show the author was evolving with the story. Perhaps an odd choice, but a captivating challenge, one that actually paved the way for the entity that later watches over the characters with the same awkwardness and longing.

Nonetheless, this is why I believe this review so personally successful. It did, indeed, make me reflect on the choices I made and appreciate the differences in personal taste. I look forward to each and every review, bad or good, for this valuable exchange of thought and consideration.

For that reason, I’ve chosen to read a couple of his books, Shalmar’s Folly and Seven Very Scary Stories, to also review. He informed me that many of his books are free this month, so if you’re looking for a fantasy or horror book to try, look for Clinton Seeber. I’ll post my reviews of his books when I do them, but don’t let it influence your decision either way. I think a good review should ultimately be helpful to the author rather than other readers, especially when they’re relatively new or unknown. I appreciate that the review was both, mostly, spoiler free and helpful to me.

And no, I’m not at all offended that I’m not a ‘master of my craft’. I don’t have one particular focus or talent so it’s reasonable that I may just be good at something rather than great. I am very content that at least my work is entertaining. I hope that I can get more surprise feedback over time and constantly improve. It is also my hope that even fame can not dull my ability to improve and entertain. I don’t expect fame, though, just the enjoyment of continuing to create.

This has been a wonderful learning experience and I am very thankful!

The Pandemic IS Escalating...

It’s pretty nuts out there, right? But I happen to live in the zip code with the highest amount of daily cases for COVID and it’s easy to see why. People are still throwing parties. People are still belligerent to wearing masks. People are still gathering too thick in the establishments that are non-essential but still foolishly open.

But you’re still hearing people call other people sheeple. Still seeing people arguing over the freedom or efficacy of masks. Still seeing videos of people at each other’s throats.

While I refuse to believe the world, or America in particular, is completely fucked, it’s just so hard to keep hope going in the face of such rampant apathy. Sure, don’t wear masks, but stay away from people and don’t go out then. I could drag a million cited arguments and facts across the coals here, but the people who don’t want to listen simply won’t. I also haven’t heard any sound arguments for why people won’t observe the pandemic measures securely that don’t sound like a pouty toddler. 

I guess it’s no great surprise that a country that’s been sliding downhill for decades treats every fact and mark of empathy like the prophecies of Cassandra. Nothing is real to people, everyone is sheltered and sure, nothing is worth fighting for until you’re the one up to your neck in shit. Sometimes it’s a superstitious kind of danger, that some god or another is only exercising some will of who lives and dies. Sometimes it’s pure apathy, just not caring as long as it doesn’t affect you.

Yet two of my friends, at least, have posted about it, many others probably too sick or scared to speak up about having it. One friend’s mother is infected and struggling to pull through, another was exposed to a neighbor who has it and is frightened and self-quarantining, awaiting test results. 

There is nothing less free about a country unwilling to take care of each other, in such nominal ways at that. We’re not talking about gun control or amendments or freedom. We’re talking about observing social distancing and wearing a mask when you’re out of your house. We’re talking about getting through a pandemic with as few casualties as possible.

Yet the cases continue to spike as people gather and disregard. People who are carefully observing this are the most restless of all. It will be a long time before we can enjoy a normal life. As long as people continue to stand on claims of freedom and spread a possibly fatal disease and do as they please, they keep the rest of us trapped as the risks only become more terrifying.

I would say I’m not here to tell people how to live their lives, but right now, that is indeed what I’m doing. I can’t be neutral and say do what you want. The problem is too big to be complacent. I don’t want to lose people I love because assholes are walking around spreading this, clogging hospitals for much needed treatment, and can’t figure out how to entertain themselves at home.

I’m truly hoping most of us can pull through this, that solutions and treatments and cures can be found. However, 2020 just isn’t looking good, guys. Hear about the reappearance of the swine flu too? And what about when flu season rolls back around? This is still just the beginning. I sincerely hope we’re not all about to be pulled down by the idiots. Stay safe and keep your spirits up, as much as you can!

Genetic Hunting

I’ve learned more of the valuable information you can glean from taking the risk to get your DNA tested...

As far as diet goes, low carb, high fat and high protein are my best options on the macros. Exercise actually doesn’t do much to help weight loss but it’s still good for toning muscle, in my case as well. I  do absorb calcium, K, D and B vitamins exceptionally well, so it looks like Omega 3 is the one I need to be sure I’m supplementing.

I’ve used quite a few databases, some paid and some free to glean more information. Vitagene, Sequencing and MyTrueAncestry were some help, but if you’ve already done 23andme or another main test, they really don’t offer a whole lot more information. It really depends on which information you specifically want to delve into. In my case, I was really the most curious about supplementing and health.

And no, I didn’t buy into the supplement packs these sites were also trying to sell. I already take a great multivitamin and separate specific supplements, so the only new things they offered were unproven additions that *might* have benefits... but could be a load of crap. 

Since I’m cutting down on gluten for the time being, that also means I had to look into probiotics and fiber to provide some digestive solutions. Grains aren’t actually proven to be good for anyone, a sort of filler that usually makes our bodies work harder than they have to. Again, this doesn’t mean everyone applies here, but a substantial chunk of the population does develop gluten and dairy intolerances in adulthood and can be a cause for sudden weight gain or loss. It’s always worth trying if you, like me, have tried damn near every diet.

I’m very interested in going with a Keto based approach, but I’m very wary of restrictive diets which can cause frustration and wicked cravings that can sabotage my intentions. It’s important this time around that I’m simply more cautious rather than gung-ho, cutting everything too quick. Consumption of more water is definitely a universal solution for all humans. Especially when you are doing so to replace consumption of sugary drinks. I’ve stopped putting sugar in my coffee but I still do cream. Again, high fat is actually beneficial for me (but this means unsaturated, of course, not saturated or trans fats).

So I have a lot to consider while making some changes. I’m not looking to lose too much weight to start. 30 lbs is my minimum goal, but ideally, losing 50 would put me in a safer range. I do have a lot of bone mass, so it’s realistic to assume my weight shouldn’t sit in the low range of the ideal weight ranges. At my healthiest, before I gained weight, I was 135 lbs. However, I’m not aiming lower than 150 this time around. I plateaued at 167 last time I made vigorous effort, which is 33 lbs lower than my current weight, so 30 is a good number to shoot for. Using SmartBMI.com, this would put me soundly at low risk for weight related health issues.

And yes, I don’t mind sharing my results because I think it’s weird not to be more forthcoming. I also didn’t test as high risk for any diseases, nor carrier status, so if my information were to somehow leak to insurance companies, they’d have nothing to penalize me for. I also don’t see any sci-fi level freaky shit being done with my DNA. No one wants a clone army of me. Although I’m pretty awesome so you should want that. A bunch of practical, creative, intelligent, attractive clones? Oh no! I guess I lose humility points there, but self-love is not a bad thing for me. I spent a good deal of my life miserable over low self-esteem so it’s good to shed it whenever possible.

Well, this is all I have for you for now. I still haven’t been working on projects much, just gaming with my nephews, but it’s a good way to make time pass. I really have always enjoyed their company.