I'm a Liar, But For a Good Cause

I blogged a post clearly stating I was 'on hiatus' but I'm clearly a liar. The frequency is still high, but it also comes with the intention of it intact.

I'm not procrastinating on my main project.

When I posted that, it was because the sheer amount of time I spent on scheduling blogs, times I was realizing I had bowed out of writing, had exhausted myself to goals I wanted to place as a priority.

However, I created a sort of unconscious reward system. Now that I delegate writing to the first thing I do, I've been putting quality hours towards where I want them, using blogging as a way to take a break, not the first priority. Sometimes you just have to trick yourself into a new order.

And of course, I'm enjoying the hell out of writing my book. I'm playing with some fun arcs, my favorite mix of seriousness, adventure and humor. Although it gets more complex, keeping track of the logic as I go, I also develop a deeper kinship with the characters and events along the way. To think too deeply on the challenge can cause hesitation, but once I get going, the elusive magic sparks anew.

You don't get many lies that come guilt-free, so consider this sort a true victory. 

Why Write Fantasy?

For some people, this is probably an easier answer. Maybe it's always been your favorite genre or it's how you think. In my case, most of the entertainment I consume isn't fantasy. Video games, yes, but aside from my love of superheroes, I'm not someone that looks for fantasy shows or movies first. My tastes tend to lead me to comedy, dramas, medical and crime, even documentaries. So when I ask myself 'why write fantasy?', I had to do some digging. I'll have to jump around a bit, but there are a lot of layers to this.

I've come into adult concepts since childhood that I've struggled to understand even as an adult. When we struggle to understand, sometimes we give up and end up either accepting it unexplained or developing a stance of ignorance. There's even a lot of ego in our youth that tells us it's tolerance that makes it acceptable to just let our emotions lead, but as we grow up, we look for logical ways to be at peace with the unknown. We start to accept that the good and bad in people is subjective and variable and that we often say things that don't match our actions. For example, while people might generally see as tolerant, we often say something before we've thought it out that twists that. I watched an old video where Kelly Osbourne slipped up and said "If you kick Latinos out of your country, who will be cleaning your toilets, Donald Trump?" And most of us winced but at the same time, we knew what she bungled at trying to simplify too quickly. In this country, immigrants, legal or no, have a reputation for a work ethic that most entitled citizens, including Trump himself, would never touch. Kick out the people who are grateful to do thankless jobs and what good is it for any of us?

Because I'm not gifted with impeccable selections of speech on the fly, I tend to be more sympathetic when people, who normally do harmonize with their favorable character, stick their foot in their mouth and realized their attempts to simplify have to be explained with a lot more complexity once they've smeared it. I replay a lot of bungled conversations in my head. Sometimes even when I do well, I'll think of ten better ways to say it later. Words can have a powerful effect on our reactions and emotions, but I agree when free speech, hate speech or not, is protected. Words themselves might incite a lot of strong things, but I believe that the listener, the consumer, is ultimately responsible for their actions, that words are not actions unless they directly threaten to escalate (I'm going to kill you) or incite violence (we will meet here to kill you). I don't know about you, but I want to know who hates me. I don't want these people, disgruntled, silenced, sitting in basements, stirring a bitter stew that will hit me without warning. I think oppressing speech is doing more towards encouraging violence than just being disturbed by vitriol. 

That being said, communication of my ideas is very important to me, not that everyone fall in love with everything I say and do. When we speak out, we must accept that people will react, but the consequences of reacting violently are illegal and a crime and you can't blame words alone-- only your own immaturity towards the manifestation of your reactions. I certainly encourage people to counter hate speech with rebuttals and logic whenever possible-- I envy speakers like Jordan Peterson, Christopher Hitchens, Richard Dawkins, and even comedians like Joe Rogan. Even if you don't like their message or what I'm about to say, it's hard to deny that they deliver their messages brilliantly and with a practiced ease I envy. I struggle to get better at public speaking, but I think I would love to say things that such talented people could deliver with their focus and force of reason. I suppose as a woman, it's taboo to say that I would want a man to speak my words for me. I might also pick Christina Hoff Summers, a choice feminist whose levelheadedness I also envy, would work too. What these people have in common-- they claim responsibility for their words, grow with new information, and don't really lose their cool even when they raise their voice. They survive Q&As without dissolving into incoherent frustration.

Even explaining that, it still seems lacking to sufficiently encompass my choices as a writer. It is difficult to summarize, but words are a responsibility with consequences that can be justified, right or wrong, but how do we choose a medium to explore them?

Again, why fantasy, when I clearly have a love for understanding reality and have a solid basis in it? Well, the whimsical outlet of fantasy allows me to explore the deeper concepts of light and dark through metaphor. Not good and bad, mind you, since moral concepts also have levels of societal acceptability and individual experience. Often, there's a general consensus of what we know we can or can't be punished for, but individual mentality or even mob mentality often kicks against where 'morals' attempt to oppress people concerning even the use of their own bodies. And yes, personally, even when it's widely accepted to be moral or immoral, we come up with logical exceptions that bear consideration. It's extremely difficult for people to voice unpopular opinions, so we all need to find a playing field where we can test those doubts, fears, and curiosities. Non-fiction, where my life is concerned, has too many consequences for being tactlessly earnest.

It would be nice if adulthood was a magical escape from childhood dilemmas, but as an adult, I'm often pulled back into the lessons of my immediate past. I know both what it is like to be a child that had been through hell that some adults have not and to be an adult who is often disregarded as childish (I laugh freely, often and girlishly even at 37). I write adult fiction right now because my childhood just isn't kid friendly. I do use whimsical themes to bridge the gap but these adult themes do resonate with my real battles from adolescence.

Some people could make the argument that it is inappropriate for characters of a certain age to run into certain situations. Unfortunately, it's an uncomfortable truth for some of us. It's not a mark of how little your parents care or love you because it IS a sign of love and trust for them to let you explore the big bad world and hope you come back, alive, when you need a respite. The world does not and cannot protect us from the curiosities of reality. Nor should it. It should definitely have laws to protect against harm and it does, ones that at best will change as the world needs it to. What stands is that a child can and does get beat down by adult things. Telling a child that they can't possibly understand insults, abuses and raises their vitriol when they are certain they are not just living in it, but are one of the new demons who come to poke and ridicule them. Disbelief only reinforces it.

And yes, there are also attention-seeking predators, even children, who see that a tortured soul draws the sort of attention they want and mimics it insincerely. One thing I love about a Jordan Peterson video I watched is that he doesn't believe in 'erring on the side of caution'. (video here -- I encourage you to watch it and form your own impressions. Just taking what I say on faith is like playing a game of telephone. Always go from the source in case my interpretations carry a bias.)When he suspects that a patient is asking him to cater some demand of uniqueness with a privilege that they simply feel entitled to but doesn't stand to help them to pretend, he calls them out on it. He admits that sometimes he is wrong, but shows that it is imperative that we test the resolve of people's demands, to see if they are simply trying to mold others or truly find themselves. As a psychologist, he has seen that entertaining people's delusions does not help them learn how to grow as themselves. It's a very tough topic to discuss and he manages to find the words very eloquently. I even appreciate that he shows his thoughtfulness and consideration as he attempts to arrive at his answer. He's not just reading off of a script or parroting a false ego.

Diverting from the technical sides of my choice, I feel a kinship with harsh realities and the possibilities of fantasy. Life isn't just receiving our scars, but bearing them, even showing them in the sunshine. We can assemble armies or meet magical creatures, attune to our inner child or come to terms with being an adult. Even when we explore ourselves through our work, it doesn't assure hidden agendas, at least not intentionally. I've heard people make rather nefarious leaps of accusation-- underage sexuality? Pedophilia! Women writers detailing sex? Turns men gay (and I'm talking heterosexual sex even; apparently we force male readers to resume the stance of a woman to trick them into lusting for the male body. I couldn't even make this shit up)! Graphic calculated violence? Serial killer in the making!

I've always been a firm believer that saying it/playing it is often enough. Playing the games, watching the movies, reading the books, is often the satisfaction of the curiosity not the catalyst to demand more. When I write controversial topics, it is not done in secret delight, always the representative of my desires. I write things that make me downright uncomfortable. I can write something that titillates me and something that disgusts me in the same day even. Of course, those attention-seeking predators I mentioned before often look to call these the catalysts of their murder sprees, rapes, etc. Why? Because we create excuses for addictions, heinous acts, absolve people as brave for doing bad things and 'redeeming themselves', a culture that CREATES visibility for monstrous acts, encouraging people to abuse themselves and others so they can earn relevance for just doing what decent people do invisibly. Writers see this and make them into believable villains. Whether it humanizes or dehumanizes them, whether it's right or wrong is moot. We should continue to piss each other off, entertain each other, release words in ways that make people become curious, challenged. Do you back people up into a wall and tell them they're not cornered if they climb? Is there a rope, a ladder, a trampoline? Is the wall tall or short? Do you stop your pursuit or do they have to worry you're concealing a knife to drive into their back when they turn away? Presentation is everything.

Fantasy just aligns with the way I want to present my ideas. I'm not writing a book on psychology because it can't always be clinically accurate or documented in studies. There's a lot we don't understand about the brain and how it works. What other place could I bring to life the monsters under the bed, the monsters you mistake for friends, the smiles that hide the villains? It's not the only genre I will use, but right now, I'm in love with the way I can build characters and plots and puzzles and worlds and creatures, to lay color to the concepts and ideas around me? How else can I bridge the muddy transitions of childhood and adulthood with any clarity or understanding? How else can I mystify romance and horrify violence, overblowing it but making it logical to the landscape?

Fantasy is whimsy, fantasy is darkness, fantasy is triumph and tragedy.

On that note, I really can't wait to see this Welcome to Marwen movie. I'm not a very emotional consumer, but I teared up a bit just on the trailer. It does align with themes I work with and even inspired this post. One day, I hope to build up the scale of ways to present my own ideas. It's not unusual for writers to see movies in their head while creating, but I'm also well aware that a screenplay is a different creature than a novel (hey, did I mention I'm a screenplay editor? So it seems like a logical course to try it out someday). You can't dream too big.

More Fun with Words

Since I put in a few thousand words today, I'm allowing a little break to blog. Don't worry; I'm keeping this one light. We're all entitled to a little venting here and there, but fixating on it is poisonous. Get it out, let it run its course, get back to what moves you to make the world a better place.

My current book is a challenge in that I not only threw in a mute bard that found magical ways to communicate (I discussed that he was why I was playing with bracket use HERE), but there are also other creatures and characters that needed special ways to announce their thoughts. Communication is something we struggle with in its simplest forms, so how do you create special differences in creatures that speak with their minds or other languages or even different emphasis.

Sometimes your big dumb guy gets all CAPS when he talks. Because only your grandma who can't see the screen (teach her how to zoom the screen with accessibility options, you ungrateful offspring) and egotistical morons on Twitter use all caps, it stands to reason that maybe the ones that aren't so good at volume control would too.

I know some people enjoy integrating fantasy languages they make up, but I'm really not trying to assume anyone is trying to commit that much to reading a book. A new language is risky. Often, I might ease this burden by italicizing the conversation in two languages under certain conditions: 1) No one else can understand what one of them is saying. 2) It's communicated in a way that no one else can hear it (minds or inaudibly). This person is speaking the common tongue, this one the other-- one understands the italicized language, but the other speaks so that anyone overhearing would only understand the non-italicized language. In this way, I use font styles to communicate very specific events that the reader can pick up on. 

Many people wonder about the strengths and weaknesses of using different media and this is one way that books have an edge over other media. I wouldn't advise getting too creative with alternating fonts if you're going to use digital (keep in mind unless it's fixed format, the user gets to mash it all into the font of their choice-- if you do use different fonts for the print, I'd advise double-spacing the unique font into its own isolated paragraph, maybe even with indents removed, so it still stands out even in flex format. This applies to font size differences-- those might also be stripped in ebook flex formats). The best way to play with language appearance, is to stick with your chosen font (usually one of three defaults-- please look at your publisher's preference before you end up with a mess to reformat). Remember, if you're using italics, make sure you're not switching font types or those could get removed by your word processor and you'll have to hunt them down again. One way to make it easier to relocate any italicized sections-- use a symbol within your chosen fonts that you will not use anywhere else in the document and CONTROL/COMMAND+F that symbol to check your italics. When you're done messing with fonts, just make sure you remove those symbols before publishing.

I don't want to make it sound too technical here, since I do have posts for that. It's mostly my intention to open people up to some of the many ways you can style your manuscript for ideas that might get too complex in the description of them. Making a concept simpler is one of the many skills an author should endeavor to strengthen. If you don't know if it works, get someone to read it and offer suggestions. I'd make sure you keep the original copies and any changes and have future readers read each sample. If you find there's confusion anyway, you might want to attach some notes in the foreword explaining the usage. Tread lightly with that even-- you don't want to info-dump a 'how to read' section. Ouch. Big no. Some people will be able to follow it just fine. Even a little glossary in the back might be a useful addition, but also be aware that some people will just bail if you make too much homework for them. Your primary goal is still being an interesting storyteller. You may just have to approach it differently altogether if it doesn't take.

Sometimes a thing hasn't been done or isn't popular for a reason. It's great to be ambitious but when you're having fun with your ideas, ultimately you want the readers to have fun too. Reading is an escape, and one that is even losing its appeal with video games and movies and shows becoming so visually stunning. This is why bestsellers tend to be simplistic reads, quick, easy, done. It's wonderful that some writers go bigger and more complex and those can certainly succeed too, but this can be very dependent on genre and your storytelling abilities.

Do you have any fun ways of working with styles and words?

Asexuality and the American Slut

I don't normally do pieces like this because it leaves too much room for misinterpretation and twisted words. It's also personal to a degree that I don't want it to be at the forefront of people's impression of me. I also realize these are some of the things that aren't being discussed, rationally if at all, and it does no one any favors if I shy away from it. I've talked about these topics before, but I feel like these are topics that evolve with experience and it's never going to be a 'drop the mic' post, one and done.

While I do steer clear of the toxicity that comes from people sniping at each other on social media, I stumbled on two particular issues I come across worth mentioning. Number one, feeling sorry for asexuals and two, foreign men, particularly from the middle East and Africa, that seem to think it's okay to say whatever they like to white women and they'll jump on a plane to live in a country that treats women like possessions. Since I can only speak from my own experiences, make a mental note that if I slip into generalizations, it's not an all-or-nothing. Nonetheless, I'll attempt to avoid blanket statements.

First off, I loathe spectrums. Even though my orientation fits best as asexual, the spectrums are constantly trying to gather every sexual and mental dysfunction and mask them as orientation. The same is true of the autism spectrum where I've heard self-proclaimed high-function assholes think they can speak for the nonverbal part of the spectrum. While spectrums are a great place to start when you're looking for answers about yourself, they all tend to run stagnant with excuses and bullies who assume they can define everyone else.

I'm not going to go into my history or why I arrived at my orientation. I do have a drive, it just doesn't work with others involved. I am attracted more strongly to men but I've felt lust when attracted to a woman. Lust does not equate with intercourse. Plenty of overconfident heterosexual men and lesbians have fancied they could convert me. It always involved prioritizing their pleasure and pretending like mine mattered. Does anyone else in the LGBT community deal with this? Yes. But heteros and the LGBT communities often share a sentiment towards asexuals: pity and disbelief.

I can't speak for all asexuals, but this isn't the same as celibacy or undesirability. Some of us aren't pining for sex to become appealing, but much like the rest of the LGBT community, we wish we could be left to our choices without being poked at like a social experiment. I used to experience sexual frustration that affected my moods before I learned self-pleasure was a thing; not just a thing, but a revolution in matching lust with climax. And yes, after that, I thought maybe a human connection might be less abhorrent, but no. I wouldn't say repulsed is the right word. When it comes to the action directed at me, I'm indifferent but vocal about not wanting to. I'm not disgusted by sex and I perfectly understand the appeal. I'm not uncomfortable with other people's nudity or sexuality. Once the flirting became a 'sure thing' I would become indifferent. You don't need to feel sorry for me because I'm not the one trolling bars because I need to get off. Don't twist this as slut-shaming either because it's not. I never judge people for that-- what it does mean is that my sexual health doesn't decline because of the stigma that it has to involve a ritual dependent on my success at attracting a mate. Not only is it quick and healing for me, but I can launch right back into what I'd rather be doing. You will never catch me lamenting being single or morose about being 'alone.' Your thrill and enthusiasm for sex isn't something I'm missing out on so I don't need pity. In fact, I enjoy writing about sex and I can also do it both academically and to suit my curiosity. I'm capable of writing about all sexualities without lust as well. Understanding isn't required but acceptance is desired.

There are plenty of reasons why people get so condescending about something they don't understand. For one, some people who find me sexually attractive suddenly get offended that it's not going to go their way so their bruised ego needs to strike out. It's really hard even for intelligent people to wrap their head around it, so I don't think it's stupid to be confused. I don't mind when people ask questions as long as it's sincere but because sexuality is a private issue, I reserve the right to withhold pornographic level details. Much like atheism, it's not a belief system or a blanket subject and I know the internet relishes in complicating it. Some people brush it off as trauma-related. It could be but when I look back on my earliest memories, I'd never really taken to physical intimacy. It's not a mental illness-- people of all orientations deal with mental illness. If people are capable of all manner of sexualities, it stands to reason that there would be also be a disinterest in involvement at all. 

It doesn't encompass my morals or my ability to love but there's also a stigma that it's a disregard for human nature. As a lover of psychology and anthropology, I'm extremely interested in people and am surrounded by amazing friends and family. I'm also deeply emotional. I don't preach like I'm more enlightened or better but I could give a fuck less about any culture where men think it's a woman's purpose to meet his needs. Although I also love studying cultures, those can get lost in history immediately. 

I know some people think it's tolerant or generous to say these things, but what you're really doing is stating your goals concerning your expectation that your patience will be rewarded. Like many virgins, celibates, etc. I've heard it all -- I'll wait until you're ready, maybe you haven't found the right person, you're not going to find someone as patient as me. All of these assume I don't really know what I want or that I can be talked into it. When I was naive enough to try dating, it got ugly. I had to confess that even if I caved in, it would be one-sided and as enjoyable as rape. Having someone coldly state that you were a waste of time when it didn't go their way-- not fun. In my thirties I've been able to be more honest about it. I don't like to assume every man I meet is going to entertain sex but if I notice enthusiasm for 'friendship' I kind of have to slip it in. And yes, it hurts a little when it's clear they don't need a friend, whether they're openly hostile or just unhappy, but it's better than letting the connection grow before reaching the same result. It does hurt when I think you've found someone I can have good conversation with and it becomes clear their conditions involve my body. 

Friendship is what I crave more than anything. For that reason, I tend to befriend happy(-ish) couples or neutral singles. While I often have hobbies in common with men and love talking to them, I don't want sex to determine how interested they are in being around me. Yes, I want a best friend who doesn't think sex is the trade-off but I'm not terrified I'll never find that. Because people are not objects for my whims either, I'm prepared to invest my life without ever finding that. There are many, many amazing people in history that filled their lives and contributed without that.

Asexuality, in my case, is not predatory. --I say this because 'the spectrum' also covers people who have casual sex but are okay with deceiving people and treating them like walking dildos-- disregard for human emotions and deception without care for the consequences is a starting classification for psychopathy. Their sexual preference is defined by their choice of partners whether they humanize them or not.-- Asexuality is not pedophilia or bestiality and there're no victims, but I believe that honesty is important (as long as it's sincerely discussed-- again, we don't owe anything to people who show disrespect). In my case, I can state that I enjoy steering clear of pregnancy, disease, infections and the jealousy and possessiveness that is eerily common these days, that I can aesthetically admire or fantasize without obligation. It's a laundry list of risks to my health that I avoid and I don't risk passing on my own illnesses through genes. We are not living in a world that obligates us to breed to survive. As a whole, the shock over sexuality, breeding choices, and bodily autonomy, the 'pressure to perform' needs to fuck off.

Enough with that. Don't get the wrong idea-- I don't find this to be a big part of who I am, but I do think stigmas don't go away unless we talk about them. Unless I feel someone is coming onto me or makes a wrongful assumption, I'm way happier talking about video games, comic books, writing, drawing, raising kids, fitness, crochet, swimming, volleyball, computers...

That being said, there's another oddity I stumble on. I'm not going to pretend it's a daily struggle because I keep these things clear on my profiles and it's usually a two time occurrence every month. Some I can dodge right away. 'Hi' and 'you're beautiful' have long been red flags but it's also weird when a stranger says 'I'm bored'. I'm not invested in you, I don't care. Why is this bad? Because people who know me or have something worthwhile to say to me just come right out and say it. The one-sided wasteful messages are demanding attention, but offering nothing worthwhile, a demand for reciprocation from a stranger. Strange people are not required to answer your whims just to be 'polite'. Again, this goes back to the expectation of your time. Now, these are guys usually from the middle East and Africa with either a brand-new profile or one with no picture (another thing I've stopped accepting or replying to). Some are even more patient and actually do pretend to be interested in one of my hobbies, but almost always they dodge questions about themselves and are invasive in asking me a ton of questions. I never get the outright pervs (crossing my fingers) but at some point, no matter how guarded I am, they bring up meeting in their country. As I've said above, big fucking no. American women do enjoy autonomy and having a voice which these guys are NOT interested in.

Somewhere along the way, American women were pegged as sluts. Perhaps there's some confusion about sexual freedom that is lost on them, but they often apply the backwards logic of sexual freedom and their culture's lack of women's rights to equal a wife that doesn't just have to but wants to because any man will do and we can be tamed. I'll restate here that I know this is NOT all foreign men; in fact, many of my most valuable and respectful relationships are people from other countries and it would pain me for them to think I think ill of entire countries. I only noted the nationality because it is a pattern. There are progressive thinkers, rebels, conservatives and followers everywhere in the world and I'm very grateful that people are more than the consequences of birth, upbringing or broken systems (and believe me, I'd never claim America is near perfection either). However, it doesn't change the fact that these men do creep around on strange women. I don't call myself a feminist (it assumes I'm only for my own interests when I would rather speak frankly about the injustice all people face) but I do think it's important that if it's not okay, we speak the fuck up. I'm not here to tell other women they have to do the same. I wouldn't even tell people not to meet people off the internet because I've had mixed results there (but I'm cautious so it's in public and often through friends). What I am saying is I don't like it and I'll continue to be a bitch about it. Or a cunt. Whatever. It's a word and I'm full of better ones.

I'm pissed about a lot of things really. I'm pissed that people treat sexuality like it can be bargained with or dictated. It's one of the most complicated subjects to understand and it's never been simple, we've just invested so much in societal norms that there's too much needless vocabulary some places and not enough discussion. We don't need new nouns, new words, we just need to get better at stringing words together in civil discussion. We keep slapping labels over labels, dumbing down on serious illnesses, assuming far too much, asking far too little and so much damn entitlement. But no, I don't want to be pitied or unique for this. I'm not proud of any string of beliefs I have no matter how strong. They're my experiences, my choices, and some are just facts of my existence.

I am so proud of what I put into writing, drawing, friendships, contributing to this world. Let me be interesting or unique or known for that. I don't want to be the first asexual anything or the first high-functioning something-else. My greatest accomplishments must never be what I am but what I do.

Current events though: James Gunn being fired for ten year old tweets? May none of the people appalled by this ever be held to the dumb shit they tweeted ten years ago. Sorry, but ten years! I know some people have probably lived angelic lives but ten years ago I was a hot mess and that's a long time to change. It wasn't said in any seriousness and tasteless humor is some comedians' bread and butter. Shame on anyone who attempts to destroy anyone over their past decisions. How bitter and small and irrelevant do you have to be to crucify someone on that basis alone? I'll tell you this-- abuse of power is a disgusting thing that needs to be punished but not on the basis of tweets. If that's really the case, let's not forget the juvenile ignorant garbage Trump posts. Considering how many GOP politicians are blowing up Twitter over Gunn, I smell a distraction tactic myself. Gunn, if it's any consolation, you deserve better. If I truly thought those tweets were serious or unforgivable, I would say so, but of all the wretched ACTIONS that are overlooked, why are we attacking free speech? I sincerely hope James Gunn is able to bounce back quickly. It's heartbreaking when I see creatives get hit so hard over something so dumb.

Where to Self-Publish

Despite my intent to slow down my blog posting frequency, I did decide to pop back on after a long day of more formatting hell when I realized I've never really gone into the wheres and hows of self-publishing. First off, if you haven't read my post on Formatting you'll need to go through it and make sure that's squared away. Uploading is not a quick process and you'll quickly run into hitches in the review and vetting process if you're not tight as a whistle here. 

If your formatting is absolutely wretched due to Word's butchering of copy-pasted material, one quick way to fix this is to drop everything you want cleaned up into TextEdit, Notepad, one of those default text programs that came with your computer. It will strip all of the funky formatting garbage Word is confused about. You can then safely copy-paste it into Word or your program of choice and not worry about the mess it makes of text that just will not adhere to your manual changes.

Without further ado, I'm going to make this as simple and free as possible. One of the reasons for this is because, if you're as determined as I am to do everything yourself, then you're already dumping massive amounts of time and energy and I just want to give you the least complicated, least costly, stellar services possible.

CREATESPACE/KDP:

I used to use CreateSpace. At one point, it had the better options for print. KDP Print now tops that, offering both expanded distribution and a ton of industry standard size options. You DO NOT need to commit to Amazon with KDP Select and unless you're already banking on your name, I'd even suggest you don't. I'll come to why later. First and foremost, you'll at least want to take advantage of printing through KDP Print. I love, love, love the smallest print size, but between the 5x8 and 6x9, there is no printing cost difference between them. Most people I've surveyed like the smaller sizes for paperbacks. The best part is that if you do want to go ahead and get the book right to Kindle, it can easily take your print files and convert them for you. They offer templates (but please use the exact measurements unless your page count is EXACTLY on the mark, 300, 310, and so on. Yes, the reviewer does reject your PDF if you're a tiny bit off. I've left feedback requesting an autostretch option to save us time on the minute difference). You will need two separate PDFs for the book file and the cover, but it's pretty simple to find and follow the requirements. When I started out, reviews could take as long as 72 hours, but since I've been around a while, I rarely wait longer than 6-12 hours to get the approval. So start with KDP Print for your print paperback option. Author copies are only the printing cost and shipping so it's a great way to load up for conventions or signings.

SMASHWORDS:

Before I found this one, I used Pronoun, but they had to close suddenly. I was floored that I might have to distribute to each retailer I wanted individually. Not so. Smashwords is a terrific place to get the widest distribution options on digital. Kobo, Apple, Google Play, Nook and a lot of prestigious services that handle international distribution. Very simple to use-- you'll need an ebook cover file and a regular .doc (not .docx) file. If you are up to par and your review clears, you'll make it to their Premium status which automatically sends your work everywhere possible (if you don't, then your book is limited to their site, so it's worth it to clean it up). Charge what you want or let your fans choose, and you can even make it free. The Dashboard is easy to use when you need to check the status or issues that come up. The Publish link is where you start. Very clean interface and you won't have issues navigating it. Smashwords can be a little slow, sometimes taking a week before being cleared for Premium, but it's another site that does all the conversion and distribution for you. One other thing, after submitting, hop over to the ISBN manager and set that up. If you don't it, will remind you, but I like to beat the reminder.

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Hardcover options aren't going to be free but IngramSpark/Lightning Source are pretty cheap. I think the baseline is $35. I don't currently offer a hardcover option so I can't vouch for it, but the consensus seems to be for it. I know you see some pretty fancy print options coming out of publishers, but it's also through their topsellers. Self-pub is a great way to get your work out there and you're perfectly able to shop for trad-pub options if you'd rather leave those details to someone else. Self-pubbing is a lot of work, a lot of creative decisions, and... a lot of marketing. Even though I don't do much of that yet. I know, I know-- I should get on that. I will. For now, I'm just happy to be writing my stories.

I don't mind helping out new authors in the troubleshooting process with SW and KDP. I'm pretty sure I've been through it all by now and I'm happy to share.

Phew, this day went quick, but it's cleansing to pack it up on this note. Don't hesitate to ask though-- I see it as a good opportunity to add it to previous teaching posts and do what I can to build a solid database of helpful posts.

A Little Hiatus

As much as I enjoy blogging, I'll have to interrupt the frequency a bit. I'm working on a super awesome gift for a friend's birthday (pictures to come) and getting back to the draft of the third part of UnSung. Last week, friends and family really pulled through to give me a wonderful birthday week-- shopping, great food, motorcycle riding, festivals, social visits, more great food. Spoiled, all the way from Wednesday to Sunday! So I'm recharging and realigning priorities this week. I may think of an irresistible blog topic, I may not, but I'll wander back over eventually.

Solitude, Survival and the Importance of Having Great Friends

Apparently, Blaise Pascal is not just known for being a mathematician but credited for an idea that man's downfall is his inability to handle solitude.

While I can say that I'm no stranger to nor abhorrent to solitude, I can't say it's always preferred. I've been able to stare into nothing and contemplate everything, but there is such a thing as too much. Of anything. Men's miseries are also compounded by an all or nothing attitude. I get what Pascal may mean here though. More and more people seek happiness that is dependent on what you're doing and who you're doing it with, forgetting to connect to the self, to be uncomfortable with your own thoughts and problems and not look to others for permission to be happy.

Evolutionary speaking, we know humans were not built to embrace prolonged solitude, even if some are perfectly capable of enjoying it (usually after a life of being weary with humanity's issues). High infant mortality rates, low life expectancy, disease, etc. made it imperative to not wander through life in a state of prolonged solitude. There's an imperative we don't quite understand to pass on our genes and even studies done on how smell is often part of the chemistry of finding partners. While some humans favored the idea of monogamy, a 'guaranteed' partner for the breeding, it was just as important to be a flexible breeder (the death or separation of a mate or even a lack of fertility or surviving children). Breeding expectations that were imperative for survival are destructive and unnecessary today. That's not to say it's lesser to follow any biological imperative, but we're also a species that has advanced with intellectual potential that can make more informed decisions on whether the results of breeding are worth it (or even the consequences of sexual contact). While I don't think it's morally necessary to be monogamous or that every pregnancy should result in a child, I do think sexual and reproductive choices are still something society is applying too much unnecessary interest and pressure to. Regardless of your feelings, bodily autonomy is a human right that we need to stop treating like a topic of debate. I won't argue your feelings about how you weigh life, but what you do with your morals and body should never decide for another. I bring this up because often, starting a family is sometimes not done for the sake of the child itself but from a fear of being alone. Just like entering into bad relationships is justified by 'not being alone.' People who never realize they were not going to just automatically find happiness in being a parent or a partner only compound their own misery if they still fail to connect with what they really want from themselves.

I'm going to jump around a bit here and there or the three topics at hand will drag on too long to reach a solid point. 

Practices that humans have been doing for 'thousands of years' are failing us in modern times. It's constantly under the microscope that the convenience of social media both makes more people accessible and has made it socially normal to ignore the people in front of us while connecting with people through digital channels. And the ease and convenience isn't making us more secure. In fact, it's making us more inaccessible, more stressed, more dependent on the temporary approval, often of people we don't actually know and who just as easily have no loyalty or staying power. And often we don't look at the name behind those Likes, but just at whether or not the number of Likes validates it. And no, not just in social media. The problem exists in texting and calling, older than the technological boom of the last 30 years in the case of calls. We expect people to be almost instantly accessible and even amenable to our desires and not responding, again, within our personal time frame of impatience, there is often hostility that we once reserved for people we dislike. We can contact the people we love more often and quicker, but it doesn't fulfill what we really need in a social connection and we find ourselves clogging up our days with the microscopic rewards that only cause spikes in depression and ultimately, a feeling of loneliness.

Back to the ancestors, it was necessary for hunting and farming and sex to be imperative when humans were struggling to survive. It often was an arrangement that was unromantic, practical but still required a level of amicability and cooperation. Sure, throughout history, there was courtship and romance, but there were always conditions of undesirability or arranged marriages, just plain snobbery and politics, using their own bloodlines as currency (and some of the freakiest consequences of prolonged inbreeding for that matter). Humanity, as a whole, has ever been misdirecting biological imperatives and expectations, ever miserable in never quite finding what makes them truly happy, sometimes doing little but passing misery to the next person by using moral signaling to mask the crime.

Liberals and conservatives of the extremist variety are BOTH responsible for society's inability to enjoy human relationships, not just technology alone. Modern humans still take the romance, patience, and pride out of being a decent and open-minded person. There are still antiquated attitudes about skin color and culture and using both as an excuse to isolate ourselves. There are also confusing ideas about gender and personality (and yes, as someone who is mentally fluid about gender roles, what people mistake as gender fluidity is just personality, curiosity and exploring your potential as a human-- why complicate it and just make more boxes to further isolate each other?). We don't need more labels for sure. I'll say that again and again. The more sure someone is of their myriad labels, the more miserable they are trying to make complete strangers adhere to them. And often the less time they spend developing skills and relationships beyond this ridiculous pride in being completely average.

It's true enough that the world is simply overcrowded. No, I don't vouch for genocide to 'fix' this. The problem with that is humanity has no gauge for who 'deserves' to live or die because it's either based on emotion or some petty disagreement on what traits are desirable in continuing the human race. It's too emotional or too logical and neither is a solution. Some people who think they have high moral gauges don't realize the hypocrisy when they have ever considered that some people 'deserve' to not exist. It's a lazy thought process because many 'bad people' develop beliefs out of fear, not ignorance, and can learn once you remove such lazy hostility from your confrontations with them. Either way, trying to regulate life is always going to have moral and practical debates that will never reach resolution, nor should they. We already live in a world where romance is dead for most of the population. People wait longer to decide if marriage is a good idea or rush to nullify or divorce when they realize it was a big mistake. Some people are desperately alone, so sure that given a chance, everything would just magically fall into place. Often these people become more undesirable, less self-aware, and lash out. Rather than meet them with the hostility they expect, the only actual way to reach them is to listen. Like most people, they want to connect but are sorely lacking in some aspect of their humanity.

Either way, Pascal wasn't wrong about the importance of 'a quiet place'. Solitude is also something we can suffer from even when surrounded by others. That's not new to our age, only the heightened level that modern conveniences have blown it up. Toxic family or friends, apathetic strangers, entitled people who only try to groom you for a relationship then bail if you make it clear you're only interested in friendship. We have such instant access to distraction and weak social bandages that we are losing the ability to connect and value that connection-- that much is true. Connecting to others and to ourselves-- we're avoiding it or making weak connections, there's no dispute about that.

That being said, I am not a person that 'suffers' from loneliness, despite my 'lamented' (pwahahaha) single status or my long hours of writing and drawing. I am not experiencing the inevitable depressing effect of loneliness. When I am alone, I am still connecting to my inner voice. I stare at fish, look around my room doing nothing. We live in a society that pegs this for laziness or inertia, but at the same time, people are drawn to me because I telegraph this air of contentment and purpose BECAUSE I understand its value. I solve problems, I slow down my rapid thought processes, I start to listen to myself and what I want to give and receive.

I rarely see my real-life friends but those moments are absolutely magical for me and maybe more so because it's neither expected nor frequent. Even many of the people I only know through the internet are incredible people. Because I am so connected to myself, I am never 'wrong' when I have a good feeling about someone. I DO choose 'friends for life' and even my working relationships have that kind of assurance. I study people without looking like a stalker, just subtly absorbing who they really are without exacting judgment. My friends are nothing alike (I've never had a 'type' in any sense, romantic or otherwise-- sense of humor and respect is about it). They have a range of jobs and/or living situations, sexuality, races, religions and so on. No, it's not some subtle way of saying 'my friends aren't only white', but I don't have unconscious barriers that prevent me from opening my mouth when I sense a possible kinship.

These are people that demand nothing from me, either in frequency or status. They know not to take it personally that my work and livelihood often sets me in a place of solitude for months (they also know I'm likely to drop everything when they call to include me because I'm spontaneous and impulsive). I am incredibly grateful that these people are in my life. Some I have known for years, some for a few months, but time doesn't set priority. I'm well over ranking my friends by their 'use' to me. I brag about friends to other friends and let them know I brag about them to other friends too. I would love to name them, but I know the list would grow and grow and grow because I can credit a lot of people in my life now towards my growth and support. Leaving anyone out would devastate me and a long list is something that bristles on my humility. It's never about quantity and I don't want them to feel like names on a list when they're so much more.

There's a lot of love and support that is far more important to becoming a better human than placing expectations on your social acceptability ever could. I had those shallow clubbing days where I was always making shallow connections. I would never go back. We are creatures looking for the balance of dependency and independence-- total independence just sounds like a place of isolation. We need to rely on each other. The internet is great for information, but it will never ever beat personal experience and the subtle cues on faces and bodies a page full of words can't replicate. 

I do think that we will get a grip on this fast-changing world, one way or another, but things will need to change. Attitudes will need to change. We'll need to understand and seek the value of both isolation and great friendships and relationships. I can't MAKE change, only encourage people, lead by example and hope people can find their own way to happiness. That the people they bring into their lives are simply there because they truly enjoy each other's company, not fill a quota to banish solitude or 'complete' some missing part of them. The best thing you can do is be a complete person for any and all of the people in your life.

You Can Make Me (But You Can't Break Me)

I hesitate to make a claim that bold because I know damn well the lengths people will go to break me, both as a woman and as a human being. Is it a little sad to say that I'm aware I'm not invincible and I'm not proposing a challenge to physically cripple or harm me, just making a stand as a writer?

Regardless, this is what I mean-- While fans and trolls can promote me in terms of popularity and sales, there is nothing that can be said that will make me give up my dream to write and draw. I've heard it all-- some people can find no fault (and can offer me no room to grow) while some people absolutely hate things I've done (also offering nothing to improve on). However, good or bad, the words are showing that people are paying attention.

Often that is the way people will strike the hardest. It's not the complements or insults that cast the worst shadows, but the silence. People like Trump, attention whores, would slap the water but eventually sink if we just stopped talking about him. It's why many people have resorted to becoming infamous, eschewing quality and integrity in favor of staying in the spotlight. At first, it did hurt that I couldn't get people to read my work. However, I wondered about the path of my stories and my work when the temptation of money and burden of popularity colored it.

Green can be a lovely color, but often lends tragic results in combination with others. You have a little green and it's never quite as green as you like, so you want more. You gather it and wonder if it's as green as it could be. And why the hell are you not happy with it when so many people's only taste of green is envy?

I know that money isn't everything, but the people who say that most often have more than what is comfortable or not much at all. Rich people can be the most blasé about it, but also live lives so effortlessly comfortable, blind to the things that are auto-paid or complimentary or expected, the red carpets rolled out that they never look down at while their noses are turned up. Poor people can be so used to the exhausting struggle to have enough of it to throw at basic needs that they prefer chicken farming to the endless effort every little detail of survival makes necessary. So many of us are sick of money-- both the dependency and that it's hard to make it fill all the holes in our lives that we think it should.

Of course, I think about money. Taking on writing and art as my primary contribution has not been a road to financial comfort. However, I have never felt like I am more in my element than when I work on it. Many people unfailingly believe that if you do what you love, you never work a day in your life. It's not exactly true taken literally because many people realize a dream is harder work than they're willing to risk when they do make a go of it. Even the people that stick with it have crippling moments where their resolve is tested. Some even admit to quitting for years but still longing for it, just don't want to repeat those mistakes but unsure of what other routes are available. What is true about it is that the work is a compulsion that exceeds duty. Even when it's hard, you're left with a determination that is hard to describe with any word short of passion or love. It's intense even when it's frustrating. You could throw everything down and walk away and you find yourself ending up in front of it again. And yes, time spent doing it is gone so fast. Your body may feel the full 14 hours, but your mind is confused by what time it is. Didn't you just blink and the hours are gone? You go back through what you did and sometimes look at it in a state of wonder. Did you really just do that?

Nothing can compete with that. It's just a fact. You can tell me I suck or I'm pretentious or perverted or boring or confusing-- pick your adjective-- but you can't say anything to me I haven't already beat myself with at some point. You can't amplify it in numbers or voices or threaten to blacklist me. You can pick it apart or slam it with bad reviews. I can't say it doesn't hurt, but it doesn't stop my drive to keep going. Unless I see some constructive criticism, I don't let it lay on a nerve. It's small and insignificant compared to the fire burning to keep going.

Finishing up, I do want to say that you can find fault with my views on this, but what matters is that I am doing something that makes me happy. And others as well. What strangers think I should do will not play into what I can and want to do. While I am full grateful for support and opportunities to grow, negativity has no place in my focus.

*I do apologize if any generalizations are taken as a blanket statement. That's never the intention. I do have experience with wealth in different extremes and I know there are exceptions. It doesn't change the fact that money is a poisonous crutch to so many people and we need it just as much as we don't want to. We don't want to care about it but we're aware of its power. It's not a perfect world and there's no perfect way to sum it up, but it is important to discuss our impressions and experiences in a way that makes it clear we are aware that they are opinions are not facts.

Kids Never See Me as Unemployed

Once more, I have to give props to kids for their perspectives about life. Yes, there are places where their inexperience or optimism or even open-mindedness may seem naive, but it also helps you shed some of those crusty edges-- the misery we mask as practical or responsible, the way we judge ourselves so harshly.

I've said before-- I hate the humble brag. Yet the other day, I was caught doing it. When asked what my job is I reverted back to saying that my last employer was Petco, but now I'm an artist (and author, duh, but it was my friend Erika that chimed in on that for me). It wasn't a conscious attempt to humble brag but, damn it, that's exactly what it sounded like and one that downplayed a DREAM. Not just a job, not even a reliable career, but a dream that I'm actively pursuing. And yes- it's still in its infancy, still feels surreal. Hell, when someone remembers that I have fibromyalgia (among other things), I almost forget that sometimes myself. Not because I'm not in pain, but because I'm used to defending myself as being 'fine' and my threshold for pain is something I've just grown so used to, it's not something I give any thought to. It just is. Like how kids can put zero thought into the transition between running and jumping on a bicycle and pedaling.

I can't say for certain why I felt so apologetic instead of proud. I work 8-14 hour days on my work. I was actually embarrassed that I had responded with so little enthusiasm-- at least until my friend's son Billy (wait, I think we call him Will now, but I am bad enough with learning one variation so that might take a few tries) was genuinely impressed. I don't mean just with a 'wow' but that instant lift of eyebrows and sudden lean towards you that isn't faked interest. No 'why don't you have a REAL job' or 'yeah, but what ELSE do you do?'

Perhaps a lot of adults forget their dreams or give up on them. Some actually resent people who take different risks and prioritize different sacrifices. Something about society made them believe that anything you wanted prior to age 30 was childish and impossible. Kids (and my very wonderful friends and family) just know me. Long-time friends and family know what I went through to gain that courage, what sacrifices I make to balance my priorities, and so on. Kids, well, they don't know the grittiest parts but they are still capable of understanding something that adults gloss over. 

For kids, dreams are stars, way up high, and know that up through the unknown is scary, unpredictable, but thrilling. For a great deal of adults, dreams are still stars. The nearest one is the Sun, the others impossibly far, and you'd burn up before you ever got there. So maybe a dream does start out as impractical. That we start to learn our expectations are unlikely, unrealistic, and many decide it's not worth it. My dream may have had its infancy, but when I collided with disappointment, doubt, and fear, I readjusted my attitude.

And I get this much; much of the responsibilities we chose to take on, thinking it was just what adults do (kids, marriage, jobs) gave us new priorities. I spent a good 15 years in short-lived jobs, battling my health issues, never understanding why adulting just wasn't panning out. My life, like so many others, wasn't according to plan. I never made enough money to have my own place, never kept a job long enough to do so, jumped in and out of hospitals, lost so many people. I didn't want marriage or kids, but I took on raising my nephews without a second thought. After gaining my second degree in graphic design, I wanted to find a job as a graphic designer, but I never learned how to drive and zero offers were reachable by public transit. Plus, my hours had to fit into when the kids were in school. I couldn't physically work as a cashier anymore. I tried sell handcrafts but I got tired of people undervaluing my work.

Writing started to fill those anxious hours where nothing seemed to fit right. And kids, kids are always the ones that can be completely ignorant of that last paragraph and simply think it's exciting that I didn't just write-- I drew, I formatted, I published. Tons of people write but, as I've said before, everyone 'has ideas' or 'is writing a book'. Some people even publish then get discouraged when they aren't a smash hit and it ends there. Kids see the results and marvel at them. Even without experience to make them jaded, they know it's no small feat. They don't need time or trials to understand insecurity and not finishing what you start. 

You can grumble about kids these days all you want. There have always been hormonal, entitled, reckless, unstable kids, but more often than not, I see kids who make me hopeful for the future. Many of them do more than access social media to bully or gossip-- they're smart and aware and struggling with a world very different from ours at their age. My parents was before the technological boom, mine was on the cusp, these kids are in the thick of this explosion of information and chaos. None of us really get each other and I'm tired of the pissing contest on who had it worse; you really can't compare the sum of anyone's experiences that simply. Still, I see people giving up on these kids before they've even gotten started. They certainly don't whine or procrastinate any more than adults and beneath the teenage bravado, they're scared of what the future might hold too. Youthful arrogance that they can do better might be overblown, but it's like revving your engine before a race-- showy but it puts you in the mindset for the race and preps the vehicle.

I'm rather fond of kids that don't let a jaded world limit their perspective. Whether we completely 'get' each other or not is of no consequence. For someone to be able to assess the value of your contribution without asking you to justify it is the most wonderful, reaffirming experience. So I'll work at it. Someday, I won't revert to the stupid impulse to apologize for working hard to chase a dream. I may need a few brilliant reminders from the most amazing people I know. They don't always know how amazing they are, but that's what I'm here for.

We raise this village. Not one busted cog in the bunch.

Fish Parenting: Why People Say Pets are Like Children

Aside from notions of species superiority, there are undeniably parallels in being parent to a human being and parent to some creature that depends on you in some way. I can say this because I've been both. I've raised my nephews through most of their lives, from infant to middle schoolers. I've changed diapers, dried tears, taught life lessons, loved to the point it aches.

Before working at Petco, I didn't think much of fish. I had fallen in love with a betta fish when I was a child, crimson bodied, prismatic fins, completely non-aggressive. Be careful-- he'll fight other fish. Except he didn't. Claude made friends with all the fish we put him with. When he met his end because my brother decided to add craw-dads (crawfish to everyone else), it broke my heart, but I never thought much of them after. 

I cleaned fish tanks at work; mostly because everyone else hated doing it, but I found it incredibly calming. We'd get new fish all the time, but it was the cichlids that intrigued me. All the other fish-- tropical flakes. For cichlids, I was told they liked the pellets. While caring for them, I noticed we had one little yellow guy in the bunch (an electric yellow labido) and he wasn't getting sold. He grew bigger little by little and often was the one starting a 'dance' with the other cichlids, a ridiculous up and down flitter along the edge. It made me laugh.

When I went home, I looked things up. Starting a tank, what to get, what they ate. Wasn't planning on getting any fish, but I did want to know more about them. Maybe subconsciously I was preparing to be a fish parent. And then I decided it would happen.

It wasn't the goldfish you get at a fair. I started nesting, so to speak. I shopped for a stand, a filter, a heater, decorations, gravel, a gravel vacuum, food. I set each thing up as I got it, but I was waiting for the large tank sale. However, I couldn't wait because I grew attached to the yellow one and I didn't want him sold. So I bought a little ten gallon set and took it home to set up. I'll admit, I didn't do it 'right'. I conditioned the water but didn't stumble on the nitrogen cycle information. Luckily, cichlids are hardy enough that they survived my beginner's duh. I didn't just get the yellow one, but a lively blue mbuna too.

I set up the large tank properly-- seeding the tank with bacteria to start the cycle off of rocks in their current tank, testing the water until the levels were perfect. Holy crap, the little guys were terrified by the transfer. Perhaps instinctively, they must've thought bigger tank meant they were primed to be food for a predator. They swam cautiously until they began to revel in a world 5.5x what they were used to.

Every little problem was a panic. I would cruise over the equivalent of FishMD pages for every little thing out of the ordinary-- tumors? Bloat? Parasites? Aggression? What the hell did I get myself into? And then they started breeding! It was one of those moments were I actually relaxed-- cichlids don't breed unless you're taking great care of them. But holy hell, how do I take care of the babies? Luckily, nature builds that duty into them the way they were meant to. They worried, they grew, they learned on the fly just like we do. Okay, they also eat the ones they can catch, but fish do cull the population to keep their species healthy. (Oddly enough, they were almost 'reserved' about that part-- I never once saw them eat their young, but you'd notice when the numbers dropped.)

Flashing-- that was another wild card in fish behavior. Most pages worry you with concerns of parasites or aggression or an illness. It's where they quiver or rub along things like a cat. Crap, mine do it all the time! It took a while to observe that this was also a cichlid thing. My dominant especially likes to flash when he's annoyed, angry, even happy and, like any parent, it was an emotional cue and I could tell the difference between them in the subtleties. It's those things you start to fall in love with. You start to know their faces, the way that only they use them, the things they try to tell you when they can't speak. They're sweet and mean and wise and reckless. They watch me too. I'll never figure out what could possibly interest them about me most of the time, but they do little dances when I talk to them, get jealous of whichever ones I'm speaking to and try to cut in front to absorb my affection.

Okay, maybe their deaths aren't as devastating or long lasting in our grieving. Then again, maybe they are. I'm not saying it's a matter of ranking, but with fish, I accept their short-lived nature. It hurts when I do form an attachment. When my dog and cat died, I mourned for months, just like I've done with people I loved, but fish are very different. How, it's harder to say. I worry about them but there's a sort of knowledge about their unpredictable health I've come to prepare for. With our own kind, we tend to develop longer lasting attachments or instant dislikes. 

Love and hate don't feel quite the same, although the intensity can. There are so many different kinds of love that a 'different' love often doesn't have a vocabulary we can make another understand. I always laugh when I hear parents of human children protest with unshakeable arrogance that you don't know 'love' until you've had a human child. They are willing to forget that there are parents who never connect to their children so strongly if at all. There are parents who adopt with not a speck of blood shared between them and love that child as their own. Not all of us need to have people that share our face to feel a real and meaningful connection. Many people even connect more strongly to other species than their own, either through trauma or experience. I could say that you don't know love until it is a choice and you make the choice again and again. It's not about being unconditional or expected or accepted. Love, even short-lived, leaves its mark on how we grow and learn to receive and give it. People will even try to attach conditions on what someone else considers unconditional love, but in truth, we just don't get to define it for anyone but ourselves. My mom and dad, the most incompatible people to outsiders and even people close to them. They fought like children but came together like soulmates even after divorce and drama. It wasn't storybook romance and it wasn't constantly evident, but it existed-- without simplification or reason.

Now my nephews. I knew I was bound to them from the time they were born and it was the stupidest thing I could do to myself. I knew they would be used against me and that I would never have the legal right to decide for them as a legal parent or guardian does. I knew it would be turmoil, sometimes absolute hell, that as much as I loved them, there would be days I didn't like them at all. I knew I had no business being a parent, that I didn't want to risk either passing on my demons nor bringing kids into a world I couldn't vouch for. I didn't choose to love my nephews either, but it happened. Against all reason, against all intentions, I had already felt they were mine. Feelings don't equal the absolute reality, so for years, I couldn't trust like that a regular parent does. 

I have my father to thank for giving both me and them the security to give them that chance. He told me under no uncertain conditions that he would not let them get taken from our secure situation on the whim of their parents. It was hard to get them to trust that I wouldn't leave them or let them get taken away, hard to even step aside so they could bond to their grandpa as they had come to rely on me. I had to build a bridge and help them meet in the middle. My nephews were socially haunted and it took a lot of nurturing to help them build confidence in the validity of their emotions. They want for nothing, but they aren't spoiled either. They understand responsibility and trust. These aren't things that came overnight. It was a battle for all of us, not a fairy tale of starting a family.

Of course, people asked me when I would have 'kids of my own'. A socially acceptable question that really shouldn't be. Another thing I had to laugh about. They ARE my kids. I have no desire to start from square one with 'my own'. They're not 'practice kids' or any less than ones that I might pop out of my own body. Aw, it's such a shame; why is it always the people that would make great parents are never the ones that want them? My situation was something, not exactly tailored to me, but one I tailored into my existence. I can't say I sacrificed anything other than drug addiction or useless wandering. These kids were a wake-up call that made me into the person I am proud of now. I've had to adjust. I don't believe I would have handled 'my own' as well because I think sometimes the supposed guarantees give us room to take things for granted.

Parental affection isn't something universal. It's built on many, many blocks. Things like death or disappointment or consequences of life are not things we can gauge nor can we bear all the blame or understand all its intricacies. When a pet parent says they love their pet as much as you love your child, they do. We all know what our hearts filled to bursting feels like and it's not lesser based on your opinions of it. When people say it's just as hard, it is, because people lose sleep over it just the same as you. Or, as Bill Burr said, the stakes are higher with pets. Your kid bites me and they get time out; my dog bites you and it gets put down. Now, you could put everything on scales and play the 'my misery is worse than your misery' game, but why not just trust that people know what they're feeling. Hell, maybe they will have kids one day and join the 'you don't know love until you've had a child' group, but don't diminish a present claim like you're some fucking clairvoyant of their self-expression.

That being said, I'll break into another short topic: memoirs. I could easily fill a fat book with my stories now. In fact, my life might be incredibly dull in the next thirty years and have nothing more to contribute to it. However, I'm willing to bet that some things age better with time. No, my past won't change, but my impressions and understanding of it may. I often gather pieces of my journey along the way, look at how life made my view of things change. It's not that we can't write them when we're still young. It's just that the most captivating parts are how we come to grips with our hardships and triumphs, how they mapped out our lives. The longer you can wait, the more opportunity for depth and epiphanies you get. Also, sometimes you just want to see if you can outlive anyone who might take issue with it. I know that's morbid and we don't like to think about it, but a memoir is never just our story. There are sometimes casualties we never meant to drag through our truths.

Whatever you take away from this, sometimes you just have to trust your intuition and be okay with people not understanding the depth of your emotion. There will be people who only see the shiny bits you put on social media (or the gritty ones) and judge without really knowing where you're coming from. And that's okay. Sometimes we mean to say something simply and get interrogated when, no, we don't quite understand what we feel. Sometimes you just have to walk away, contemplate, try to develop the vocabulary and try again. Words will just never be able to convey it all. Try anyway.

Get Rid of the Entitlement: Your Unique Opportunity for Growth

As I've said before, crocheting happens to be something I excel at, but it was a hard won path that took years of patient dedication, like any craft. Sometimes, there are points where crafts cross over with philosophies that boost another of your outlets.

Comments I see time and again in crochet groups. "How do I make this? There's no pattern!" It is then followed by more increasingly entitled lamenting "I found a pattern in Russian. Can I have it in English?" "I've only found a diagram and can't read that kind of pattern?" "Ugh, I hate when there's no pattern, but I REALLY want to make it!"

People tend to get passionate only as far as the comments go, but most of them give up when the conditions aren't completely ideal. There's rarely any spirited chirps of 'well, guess it's a good time to learn Russian/read diagrams' or 'maybe I could look at the stitches and attempt to make it from the picture!' but damn it, there should be! Age or patience or sheer laziness and entitlement shouldn't ever be an excuse to cut yourself off from attempting a new learning experience.

And yes, this absolutely applies to writing.

I get it. One thing crochet has over writing is that the mistakes can often become a part of the design, unknown to all but the proficient crafter themselves and even another master would have difficult spotting it without being told. However, writing also has an edge over crochet in that the mistakes are easier to correct, that a story doesn't have to be unraveled to be fixed. However, it does require you to shed entitlement, to welcome humility in the process and take the bad with the good (and realize bad and good are subjective).

See the failings of a perfect scenario as your place to make it better. Take the time to write the non-existent pattern and you can turn around and charge for that coveted design. Take the time to write that non-existent book! Or shrink it down-- novella, short story, poem. A lot of short pieces grow with inspiration into something much bigger than you imagined. Even a proficient crafter can float as run-of-the-mill, always passing up challenges beyond the comfort level for any number of excuses.

We're modern creatures, often spoiled by its conveniences, so many of us resorting to whining, looking for the bleeding hearts to do the hard work for us. It's one of the reasons I started plugging up the holes on my own bleeding heart tendencies. There's only so much you can do, only so much you can let yourself be sidetracked by the monumental amount of pleas begging you to their cause. I can't say I never cave. Sometimes I'll translate patterns or make my own when I see the whining, not because of some genuine urge to please the masses, but because the challenge DOES appeal to me and I DO see the sense in appealing to a profitable demand. Yet sometimes I withhold that urge, wondering how desperate or passionate that 'need' will be, whether it will encourage just one of those entitled commenters to take matters into their own hands.

It's okay to be an enabler sometimes, to be selfless in your work or selfish too. I don't push back and try to shame those commenters because who really cares about the opinion of some internet stranger? It's not going to reduce their number and could even do quite the opposite. I do want to see people reach their full potential, but coddling is NOT the same as nurturing. When someone feels the edges of confidence, you have to push them ahead of that sense of instant gratification, to let them know that it's just going to get scary sometimes. Ultimately, that's where the greatest sense of accomplishment always seems to reside. Not in who you can look to for help every time, but where you can go inside yourself to try and help yourself first.

No shame in looking for some help sometimes, but the temptation to treat it like a crutch is where people fall astray so much. Don't be 'too old' or 'too impatient' or have 'too many other easier options' to reach for goals that might require both some help or some scary alone time.

Think of it like learning a language. You can either trust the interpreter to speak for you or you can speak for yourself. Even the most well-meaning interpreter can fall short of what you mean to convey. There's a lot of benefit to shedding ignorance in your craft, even if it's just a little at a time. Can you spot a misspelled word? Can you proofread your own work? Can you shed more excuses and say exactly what you're trying to say? Sure, you can pay someone to do it and that's a great way to encourage people to develop such skills. But don't always shuck a learning experience to take the easy way out either. You might surprise yourself and spread that proficiency across the board.

I became a better artist over a 5-year dry spell with drawing. This doesn't mean you can piss away the importance of practice because, honestly, it was torture and the longer I went, the more I thought I'd lose it altogether. It doesn't quite work like that-- you do lose some things but some things are innate, locked into you. Writing was the same way. I can't say for certain it was confidence or 'the right time' but I do know that much had changed and I saw too much entitlement in myself with nothing MORE to back it up. Why can't people see what I've done and snatch me up? You'll notice that no matter how wonderful it feels to get a big response, people will just as quickly forget if you're not DOING, producing and working on something else. People will hesitate to invest in you if you tuck it all in after a victory. What makes writers like King so successful is he keeps popping another title in his library. It doesn't have to be solid gold-- people can hate it, but it keeps his name reappearing on those New Books lists before it ever fades out. Of course, there's no lack of talent and hard work in his case, but one thing that keeps creatives afloat is visibility. Stay relevant and it's not just your new work that flies off the shelves, it's the curiosity for the old work too.

I say this time and again, but you ultimately decide how far is far enough. But you're totally a dick if you're whining about something out of reach and have no intention of contributing towards getting it. "Oh, the pattern exists, but it's soooo expensive. Can I get it for free?"

Get out. Just... get out with that. It's just as nauseous when you're an 'idea person' wanting other people to write your damn book for you, but 'you'll pay them with royalties'. Or worse. Exposure. *shudders* If you want to gamble with your time and money to see your vision, fine and dandy. Don't undercut or undervalue the skills of others with entitlement. Entitlement never looks cute or even acceptable. Even if people are too polite to say it, they're disgusted with you.

Go ahead and pass it up if it's not that appealing to pursue. A parting shot is not a mic drop-- ride off into the sunset, quietly, and take your highest horse with you.

Character Profiling: Each Endless Universe

Back for another round of character dissection/summarization/profilimication!  This world takes on more of a modern sci-fi aesthetic, a world of busy young adults looking to make their own way through a world no longer in need of heroes. This one focuses on the scattered remnants of a culture with an ancient secret and the struggle to assimilate.

I mentioned in the last profile post that this one is a bit trickier to present, so I'm going to stick to the base characters in the first book of the trilogy. It might be a little vague in places to preserve my goal of not spoiling anything.

COLE

Hair: Black

Eyes: Spring Green

Short Intro: Scouted by a family friend for his intelligence, Cole works as an engineer for Merschenez Castle, a governmental building that boasts the latest in technology and a center for progress. His long work days are often interceded with his usual lunch buddies- boss and ex-gf Rhysa and the often traveling Zephyr. Another family friend cuts into his usual routine and sends him on a mission that takes him away from the conflicted feelings he has about Rhysa announcing her engagement to a lawyer.

RHYSA

Hair: Fiery Red

Eyes: Blue

Short Intro: Despite her Bryfolk blood, Rhysa's only inherited Bryfolk feature is a tail. Chief engineer at Merschenez Castle, she is the polar opposite of her twin sister Anisa; responsible, uptight, and a workaholic. Not to be put-off by Cole's odd reaction to her engagement, she goes on a vacation with her fiance, a big step considering her vow to keep the relationship platonic until marriage.

ZEPHYR

Hair: White and black

Eyes: Grey and yellow

Short Intro: Despite the jokes about his split coloring (a rare form of chimaerism) hiding a dual nature, Zephyr endeavors to keep up a mellow and level demeanor and maintain professionalism. Sent away to Wheryf on a routine work trip, he is given the great opportunity to assist in the rewiring of a corporation looking to update their security. After bumping into a woman several times, he suspects he is being watched.

HARLOK

Hair: White

Eyes: Silver

Short Intro: Arctic Kitfolk and older brother of Merik. Bartender and openly gay, he is also Cole's best friend. When the family friend calls Cole on a mission, he is asked to go as well and it's clear that it's not just his bartender skills called to task. Harlok's day job might be bartending, but he's moonlighting under a very different life.

ASH

Hair: Maple Brown

Eyes: Violet

Short Intro: A bit of a loner and astrophysicist, twin brother to Alder. Unlike their twin sisters, they did inherit more of the Bryfolk features from their father. He seems to have a crush on Kerys, but never seems all that sure of what he wants. As a kid, he was the more outgoing twin, but it is his brother that took on a more social career. Nevertheless, his skills are called to use when a family friend enlists him to go with others on a mission.

KERYS

Hair: White

Eyes: Yellow

Short Intro: Sigh. Kerys... Anthropology student and psychopathic pain in the ass. If there is any possible way to attract trouble, she seems likely to find it. Also asked to go on the mission, the family friend is hesitant to rely on her due to that unpredictable nature. It's literally in her blood to be a target for a much bigger problem. Sister of Zephyr, Lyric, and Shiori.

LYRIC

Hair: Chestnut

Eyes: Smokey Grey

Short Intro: Often called the spitting image of her grandmother, it didn't come as a surprise that she  decided to go into law enforcement. Unaware of what her siblings are up to most of the time, she is enlisted on a murder case that puts her in the direct path of dangerous cult activities. The only one of her childhood friends she still runs into is Alder, who asks her to check in on his grandparents from time to time. When he turns out to be a consultant on the case she is working on, it leads to a blast from the past.

ALDER

Hair: Maple Brown

Eyes: Violet

Short Intro: Small-town doctor with his own practice, he prefers a simple life. Concerned about one of the leads Lyric has on the case he is consulted on, he insists on looking after her in concern for her obsession leading to neglecting her health.

SHIORI

Hair: Black

Eyes: Blue

Short Intro: The youngest of her siblings, she appears to be a studious girl but has an underlying wild streak just as her siblings do. Despite going to different schools and having very little interest in each other growing up, she shows up at Reyn's school, enticing him with the information that she learned about a place where his uncles' bodies may hold answers to a greater mystery but she needs his help to sneak back in.

REYN

Hair: White and black

Eyes: Red

Short Intro: Usually a quiet, uptight nerdy sort, he allows Shiori to convince him to go on a search for his family history. What should be a piece of his past actually becomes a larger mystery in hers, but this discovery is not only kept secret between them, but he endures her presence to explore the mystery deeper. It involves his own fascination with geology after all. Being the only one of his siblings without a twin (he's the youngest sibling of Ash, Alder, Anisa, and Rhysa), he is content to avoid confronting the lifelong feeling of isolation caused by it.

ANISA

Hair: Fiery Red

Eyes: Blue

Short Intro: Anisa, the hot-tempered impulsive twin sister of Rhysa, is making haste to leave her job, calling frantically on her friend Merik to confess she is in hot water. She works as a make-up artist and scars the face of a notorious model when he harasses her and she slaps him wearing her wedding ring. She is a widow and Merik was her husband's best friend. Merik lets her stay in one of his condos and gives her cash to stay out of the radar while he looks into how to bail her out.

MERIK

Hair: Red and white

Eyes: Blue

Short Intro: Usually content to jump from his job at a casino to whatever odd jobs catch his interest, Merik manages to amass a fortune with his string of good luck and opportunistic ways. Aside from his attempts to help Anisa, he is also contacted by Lyric about the trouble her sister Shiori has gotten herself into. This leads him to take on the job as a teacher in Shiori's school, a decision that absolutely no one is thrilled with but can't deny there aren't better options either.

AISEN

Hair: Blonde

Eyes: Blue violet

Short Intro: Also a friend of Merik's, he wakes up in bed with Anisa, neither of them particularly happy that Merik neglected to mention he'd set them up in the same condo. Despite his work as a casino bouncer, he originally went to school and practiced as a lawyer so Merik encourages him to take on Anisa's case despite their unsatisfactory introduction. He also has a family secret that keeps him from getting close to people so involvement with anyone conflicts with it.

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I realize the base cast grows a little more each time but in this one, I purposely brought on the conflict of a growing technological world making large families and large populations an issue. Each of these stories tie into the larger one once more, even if they do seem separate at first. This particular format was also how I was able to tackle the planning complexities I faced while writing UnSung. While an idea may be complex, a writer's burden is to simplify it for the reader. I truly endeavor to smoothly roll out big ideas into a manageable and enjoyable flow.

I've had writing group members ask that very question: how does a writer manage to maneuver stories with large casts? I come from a big family. It's chaotic and variable, but it's also life. While I couldn't easily explain to you my whole family in one sitting, I could certainly manage to help you understand it with planning and time and that's the magic of novels. While it might seem overwhelming tying all of these people in from short descriptions, it becomes more organic when I handpick the important and interesting information and incorporate pace to initiate the reader.

Despite my penchant for logic and stoicism, I'm a real lover of psychology and a bucket of emotions. When I roll out stories, I really delve into those realms. I also enjoy using private interactions as grounds for revealing the vulnerabilities in the characters.

I've talked about discomfort and organic writing and the offended masses and the futility of trying to please everyone before. I think that every writer is delving deep in trying to shed ignorance, trying to resonate with an audience, trying to be true to the characters shouting to be heard. I don't think it's at all the fantasy writer's duty to make a real world statement, that it's absolutely okay with using our experience and curiosity to offer both escapism and a different take on the logic that does align with our reality. I'm going to tell you now, it's also okay to tell the ones with agendas on your content to fuck right off or ignore them altogether. I don't want literature to become sterile and safe. I want authors to put out shit that makes the masterpieces shinier. I don't want PC SJWs to determine what is okay for POC or white authors to write about or how they do it. All it does is create racial division we don't fucking need or want.

If you can remember who said it, I encourage you to comment, but I was watching a talk show like Bill Maher or Trevor Noah where the guest said the most enlightened and simple statement I've ever agreed with. People didn't come to America to create white culture or black culture or isolate themselves in their beliefs, but to practice them freely. A great deal of us born here have never known anything but 'American culture,' an idea, as this guest pointed out, is woefully untapped for its advantages. This is a place that, rather than trying to create a divide of cultures fearful of each other, we could be creating a culture that blends our similarities and celebrates our differences. Why do we use concepts like 'culture' to isolate ourselves, using words like privilege, guilt, etc. to create more inequality? I don't want social sterilization in any sense. We are always going to have advantages and disadvantages, people who use their disadvantages to empower themselves and people who benefit from being victims.

Depth of character does not come without controversy. Not a one of us is stumbling through this world with a perfect map and our beloved (and hated) characters are not going to have the same effect on everyone the same way. If you are a Harry Potter fan, Harry Potter may not have been your favorite character. Sometimes people resonate and sympathize with the supposed villains (Snape) while others are going to wish the story was about a quirky side character (Luna Lovegood). If the analogy means nothing to you, let's get general. The stories that do resonate with you aren't always going to resonate with you for the same reasons they do (or don't at all) for someone else. If you happened to catch my review of Solo, I was stunned that it wasn't a hit movie. I absolutely loved it and the characters and cast had a lot to do with it. 

I don't know if I'll continue to do character profiling for later books, but I do want to at least leave you with some serious considerations. Do yourself a favor as a writer and just write. You might run into the occasional person accusing you of something you're not. Know yourself and brush it off. Your characters and their ignorance is not yours. Absolutely try to avoid injecting ignorance as the narrator, but it's absurd that you should ever have to defend characters acting in their element. Profile away and know you aren't responsible for people who ignore the context or forum of a story.

Keep writing.