Pixel Perfect Crochet: Gauge Matters

 I often stumble on the best solutions through much trial and error but, in the past, have foregone sharing it because… it’s obsessive, lost on my audience, pick your situation of fizzled-out attempts. However, over time, I’ve learned that people often light up because these little obsessions of mine are often information that doesn’t exist in totality and the three or four research topics I combined to create this unified, though niche, concept are often more in demand than I realize. Or like I love to counter ‘you’re never the only one’; act as if you’re looking for your fellow weirdlings!

To the point, I wanted to create pixel perfect crochet for my nephew’s next birthday gift. I’ve use sc with some success before but I’ve never bothered to use gauge, despite the fact the professionals abide by it for the legitimacy of their patterns. In my case up to now, I have always created patterns where the other elements or results are not skewed or ‘wrong’ without gauge. Even the pattern I’m working on that will feature the measurements I used for the structure will come with the instructions to work the stitch as it looks best for you, then run the easy calculations accordingly. The pattern would actually be needlessly complex if gauge was strict, considering I don’t know the exact measurements their cardboard structure will end up with but you can adjust your numbers accordingly. Math IS more complex for some, but for others, strict gauge is the tougher sell. In order to balance the skill level I’m proposing I want the user to have the freedom to crochet comfortably; simple math gives them much more freedom to successfully cover their structure.

I use this example because it’s important to express that, despite my knowledge of gauge, it hasn’t been an important component. When I wish to achieve ‘perfection’, it does not mean you use every tool in the box. It means you carefully decide the simplicity/complexity of the task by selecting the tools you believe best accomplish the job. Some will insist I can take shortcuts, others will accuse me of oversimplifying and needing more info. In every case, I have two questions: what do you think you need to understand it and after I explain it, which part could be added to the pattern to clarify without adding more confusing complexity? Annnnd I sidetracked a bit, but I wandered a bit because gauge is one of those things I have been pestered about but am willing to provide why it wasn’t necessary to achieve a successful finished project. Also to reiterate, I am very aware of it and do ask from the onboarding if it is a tool I need.

Pixel perfect crochet stitches is one that need it without exception and I’ll show and tell the way though this. To start the gauge standards are 4x4” and this was the aim throughout.

If you wish for a TL;DR, skip ahead to the Pixel Perfect Swatch subheading and I’ll include one of the special notes necessary there as well.

The Journey

To start off, I used the standard H (5.0 mm) crochet hook and 4 Medium yarn. Ch 16, single 15, ch 1, turn. Proper gauge means you can gently flatten it against the ruler without stretch to reach the 4” mark. A couple stitches short by eye so I unraveled and added two chains to reach 18. So sc count was 17, and once established, easily rested in the gauge.

Though we were good to go but the goal is to make stitch height SQUARE so that my row and column counts would be equal. This means after 17 rows, I should make the perfect square…

Unfortunately after reaching row 17, the tight but easy tension of a standard sc just seemed to fall about 3 rows short. Pixel perfect it was not.

Slightly taller, maybe more texture? I knew hdc was the next best best for a taller stitch so the start was the same: H hook, 18 ch, 17 sc. but alas…

From a glance you can see more height and more texture which should’ve clued me in; too much height and I wasn’t fond of the ‘banded look’ which was not a feature of old school gaming so much as a shitty CRT/RF (ch3/4) adapter reality of the 80s. The goal is an artistic take on a beloved game and it’s not nostalgic or likely even that interesting for my nephew like it might be for someone my age so, next.

I found a stitch referred to as single crochet cross stitch because of the way it looks in rounds; like an X. However it would not visually work for turned work but I was curious. Same parameters as before but this stitch (which I personally called power move single crochet or PMS stitch. Heh.) involves what she called ‘yarn under instead of over’ but to me looked more like giving the power move to the hook and was easier remembered as a hook OVER step. But alas, row 17 got me a little more height but was still falling short of that ideal square.

Getting there but no. It was a little extra work for a look that most people wouldn’t even see that slight difference in. But I had other ideas based off of these swatches…

Finally, I decided to switch to an E (3.5 mm) hook and added only one extra chain to reach the 4” mark. Mental math told me I was about to gain just a smidge more height if I was guessing correctly as well as an additional row. (18 sc so 18 rows to reach the goal of a square stitch).

Crocheting too loose would relax the horizontal measurement and I’d lose the advantage of the tighter loops of a smaller hook so this is where I aimed for height and tension. Not the best pic, but the idea was to ‘trust the hook’, keep the yarn over snug but slack just enough to make the hook rest parallel to the top of the previous stitch (just over the ch 1 starting the row), twist hook and pull through. Added height without loosening the width…

Note that I held below the working stitch to keep it taut and not raising with the taut but slackened loops. The creation of a controlled gap and controlled tension in a vertical maneuver is often a technique that advanced crocheters use for those long triple and longer stitches and is giving me just the slightest height without risking a slight widening. As a crochet anatomy tip, this is something that is maintained no matter how you stretch the finished work; keep your base entry tight and your towering chains will not limp out later. This also applies to strengthening the peaks; finish with tight chains or create a strong single crochet foundation for more rows to come.

And now the finale. I was devastated to see that my 18th row landed me at 3.75”. However, I wasn’t defeated; I went ahead and remastered the horizontal: 3.75”! So in trying not to widen it and effectively heightening the stitches, I actually managed to tighten the width and accomplish then perfect square. I  made sure the swatch was still relaxed, measured again to confirm and then gently stretch tested to confirm both directions had the same give and would not contort later.

Success, at last!

I already know; pics or it didn’t happen. I would do a video if I didn’t have my cat sleeping on my lap but it’s the real deal so… onto the TL;DR…

Pixel Perfect Swatch

The quick and easy is this: E (3.5 mm) hook, controlled snug tension (with listed exception) ch 19, sc 18, ch 1, turn. Exception; after base entry, y/o, pull through, hold at base to draw up slack so hook is rest above starting chain or previous stitch, parallel, yarn over and pull straight along the parallel.

This makes all the difference if you skipped ahead of the why. Finishing gauge will not be the 4x4” but 3.75x3.75”, but this means the stitches are indeed square and ‘pixel perfect’.

Conclusion

Ew. I just felt like I was writing a college paper again. But this lets the vultures pick the meat and wander off again while I add a few more notes and thoughts. This can likely be done with different hooks, yarn and stitches. Absolutely experiment and even share with your fellow weirdlings, scraping through the wasteland of internet misinformation to unearth some gems. In my case, I wanted this gauge to work for a cushion design so small stitches with fewer holes and limited stretch were my personal goal. This will give large projects a higher ‘resolution’ for your goal yet be small enough to get recognizable visual pixels in smaller projects. Want to go mini? Bust out the thin steel hooks and crochet thread. Jumbo aspirations? Grab those hilarious S and larger hooks and super jumbo blanket yarns and get to it! I’d love to add to the pixel perfect search over time but this will be a good medium for all ages. Some of our veterans just can’t see or hold those itty-bitty wonders or fatigue wrestling the anaconda-like proportions of the other end. 

Remember; do your test swatch. There are subtleties that must be experienced and it will develop the muscle memory to be consistent through the project. Get your rows and columns at the same number and at the same measurements and you can contribute to the search for great crochet pixel art!

Link! Listen!

 Sometimes I wish I had an annoying little Navi to tell me when I’m really not listening to myself at all. Or rather, not overpowering some aspects of myself with good intentions. Okay, Navi is a horrible example. When you realize you can’t off the little fucker, sometimes plunging to your doom is the only way to escape her with a smile on your face.

I quit diet and exercise. Not completely abandoning. I’ve kept an edge of the nudging consciousness that says ‘ah, healthy, good job’ or ‘today definitely could use pizza so let it happen’ and ‘get up and do housework’ or ‘you won’t heal without rest’. I was certain when I went to doctor, I’d see a huge weight gain and my numbers would be awful.

I was two pounds lighter and my BP has never been better. One month after quitting dieting and exercise.

I don’t want to say to everyone ‘just give up’ but my body was telling me something that I kept ignoring. It’s going through the major changes of a middle aged woman. I need more of some nutrients, less of others. There is pressure in my left eye that could lead to blinding glaucoma but stress is far more likely to make it worse than obesity.

What I am going to do is ask my doctor about tirzepatide treatment. Even though my levels are good, I do need to lose weight. I have zero energy, no stamina and have to power through everything these days. I need day naps and evening naps and struggle to get restful sleep at all. This is largely due to hot flashes and weird dreams but I’m vastly uncomfortable with this body in ways that have nothing to do with how it looks. I don’t want highly invasive surgeries that could upset an already sensitive digestive system. I’ve read up on tirzepatide and I truly think that this would work well with my current moderate diet and reasonable exercise. I don’t need a miracle; I need a push. I was making myself extremely unhealthy by going to extremes with weight loss practices. That used to work, mind you.

But I am not who I was and this stage in my life needs different tactics. Mood stabilizers I didn’t need or want were the culprit in my initial weight gain and an appropriate medical treatment I’ve researched now could help me undo that damage.

Of course, like scars, you don’t actually wipe the slate clean. Fibromyalgia also presents a unique challenge but I’ve learned to understand chronic pain and to work around it too. I’ve learned that, like depression, I have to actively battle it even when I truly have no will to fight. Fibromyalgia was present before I ever had a weight problem. ADHD doesn’t vanish conditionally either. I’m present but distracted and it’s not this cutesy ‘oh look a squirrel’ bullshit. It’s stubborn when I’m hyper focused but no less controllable when I’m in a perpetual state of distraction. I’ll get unreasonably frustrated when I’m interrupted because only I know how much I struggled before I found that elusive focus, just to have it torn away. I’m disciplined in ways others can’t fathom but I don’t get to turn it on and off at will and it will always present challenges when people insist I’m being willful or deliberate.

Anyway, I’m swirling in a pool of thought but I want to surface for a moment. I’m enjoying some cool fall weather at the moment and I want to throw in some of the superficial details. I got a screwdriver set so I can attempt to repair a robot vac that encountered a poopocalypse. I would explain but you can actually search this one. I have some phone calls to make and I’m nervous as hell because I hate making phone calls. And it’s not the fun kind; I need to call the pharmacy, the eye doctor, the regular doctor and a dentist because I’ve put shit off too long. But I need some NSAIDs for pain, see if my glasses have come in, talk to the doctor about tirzepatide, and… I hate going to the dentist but who doesn’t? I don’t want to lose another molar. I wish insurance did bridges or implants. I can’t bear to lose another back tooth. It’s hard as hell to eat healthy foods without them. Raw veggies and any kind of nuts are a bitch hitting exposed gums…

But that’s the gist of it. Deep end, shallow end. I need a Navi to get through the phone calls, but my inner voices need to shut up with the pushing for a while. I pushed too much and I need to stick to more reasonable choices for now. Every little thing is a battle and sometimes I just want to play idle farming games and not do any of that.

Playing with Passive Income

 Finding an at-home job hasn’t been particularly successful but I admit, I don’t put a ton of effort into it. I still have health issues I’m working to identify, treat, hopefully resolve this year so not only are my physical abilities limited, but my ability to handle stress is as well.

I’m going to hop off-topic before I even really started (sorry, post heading) to say I went to an ophthalmologist with my left eye annoyed with a persistent floater and twitching in the upper eyelid. Possible glaucoma, failed the pressure test, but only slightly so she’s going to wait a year, check again, see if anything needs to be done. I now need glasses, which I also suspected when it comes to reading anything on TV, opted for no-line bifocals since my livelihoods rather often rely on reading screens. I’m excited to start seeing better again but it’ll be a couple of weeks before I get the glasses and a couple of weeks of constant wear before I can switch to ‘as needed’.

Needless to say, that gave me some small peace of mind and explains why my visual struggles have been contributing to those stealthy rising stress issues. It’s made me all the more determined to ‘use it before I lose it’. My two crochet patterns for sale have been popping up a bit of passive income and crochet is one thing I can do without a ton of visual strain. I often come up with ideas and am excited to find when they’ve never been done in crochet. No competition, no accusations of copying. I’ve started keeping a book and writing down ideas, researching their availability and amassing a potential list of unique patterns that may prove lucrative.

Unfortunately, I don’t have a young, healthy body. My energy levels aren’t reliable and I never seem to have the experience employers ask for to pay me a salary I do have the skill to deserve. I’ve thought a lot about the value of inspiration and my house-elf way of planting secret seeds of wonder through my designs and patterns and, well, being the unconventional sort, the security and stability I want so badly just sputters out on conventional paths.

So where does that leave me?

Passive income. As long as my country can offer insurance that I can’t afford to keep producing patterns and designs I can get by on, I have some hope. If I sell a lot, it will present new problems as I do have to be taxed on income reaching a certain point. However, I will be selling on one platform that does track that activity for me.

So I can still pursue passion projects that may not earn me a cent, squeezing in a new addition to my pattern library, hopefully building a level of passive income that makes up for the struggles and frustrations of narrowed abilities. I think, like many artists, aiming for that sweet spot where I’m earning enough for necessities, emergencies and even a few luxuries will more than make up for the lost prospect of ever retiring.

I put too much hope into making writing and drawing boost my income but those things take a tremendous amount of time and, without a secure income, can lead to despair for the failure of a minimum turnout to make it worth hoarding all of my resources.

So I’d love to put this to the test while I struggle to make sense of medical issues. I can’t just sit and wait for a healthy me to put things in motion. Stasis is brutal for me. I think developing patterns will allow me to exercise creativity with my current challenges limiting others.

Don’t mean to sound vague but I’ve drilled these issues over many blog posts and I’m not being secretive. I’m dealing with localized and all-over pain, ADHD, sun sensitivity, annoying allergies, constant lethargy, hormonal shifts… I’m sure there’s more but it’s not that interesting. I’ve struggled with these things for at least half of my life if not more and rarely had the insurance to ever do anything about it and sometimes the treatment was worse than the disease. I’ve also detailed extremities of exercise and diet that toed the line of what might actually be safe or effective at all. They’re boring and irritating and get too much of my headspace but also consume and determine what I can actually do to distract myself from it.

I look forward to being able to crochet, document and use graphic design to make some beautiful patterns and help others make them too. I’m glad the unexpected fortune of a few humble sales prodded me into the possibility. I’ll take it.

Minimalism: Sorry, Not Quite a Fan

The trend of minimalism would like us to overcome some common misconceptions about its pros, but in turn seems to make the assumption that others ‘love stuff’, are hoodwinked by ads/commercials telling us to get better versions of things we already have and that we all think acquiring said ‘stuff’ was supposed to make us happy. Some of the arguments are thought-provoking, revelations for many, but for some of us ‘stuff hoarders’, it kind of falls flat.

I’ll readily admit that humans in general have become creatures of excess and the argument that we sometimes engage in acquisition that never quite satisfies so we keep buying more for very temporary gratification. One of my impulses when anxious is to spend money on stuff and things. However, clothes, jewelry, watches, cars; those things have never interested me. I acquire tools, personally. Things that feed my hobbies and curiosities, that help me reach into my loneliness and doubt and create something meaningful and beautiful. 

But I’m by no means a minimalist and it would cause me misery. I often run inventory on things I buy and when I realize it was frivolous or unnecessary or just consuming space I could use for something more valuable, I find it a home. I’m a consummate treasure hunter and almost always know who would love what I take for granted. My chaos is organized and I feel this amazing zen going through things that are waiting to be made into something that will bring me and others joy.

I’m not a sentimental hoarder. Sentimental items take up very little space in my room and are limited to drawings given to me by children, letters and birthday cards, a few unique collectibles but they quite literally fill one 6 x 18 x 36 inch storage box under my bed. I absolutely do agree that sentiments should not be hoarded, should never take up any substantial amount of room for things that could make more memories in the future. I have a terrific long term memory and what I can’t remember, well, I can’t regret either.

My clutter is purposeful and colorful and inspirational. I probably could get rid of some of my old video games that I’ll never play again, but I’ve culled down hard copy books to my own books I’ve written and my favorite series. I do have a lot of graphic design books that often collect dust but do become valuable references on some tough or novel projects. At least once a month, I like to wander through and cull things I’m ready to pass along or even throw away. I feel a little guilty throwing away intact things but sometimes I can’t imagine anyone I know who would want it and it’s not worthwhile to hoard things; always saying ‘it’s only one thing’ can land you with unmanageable hoards over time. I have a rule about how long I’ll hold onto things before it needs to go, one way or the other.

But then my dad is a hoarder so helping him manage that tendency made it much easier to not let it get unmanageable for myself. We used to have stacks of AOL CDs because he thought CDs were valuable all by themselves. He still has boxes and boxes of stuff that is just garbage no one else would want. He has a hard time of letting things go but I do help him manage adding to that. I’ve been convincing him to throw away cords to adapters that don’t even exist for current technology or ones that always come with items you purchase. Keep one or two extra, sure, but not several dozen.

Minimalism assumes too strongly that we are overly attached to things that can’t make us happy and that we can’t take with us. Personally I think whoever goes through my things will have a blast. I’ve always labored to cut down on tedious things and I know I have tools that will throw people for a loop on what they’re for. My most space consuming culprits are finished crafts that will either get sold or be given to people in need. I also hoard yarn and many other craft supplies because the urge to create is sometimes immediate and having to wait for shipping or trips to the store may see them fizzle out. I do tend to hoard a bit when I start a new hobby, but that is always a phase that needs experimentation; I know I’ll break things or make mistakes or need to undo otherwise permanent attachments when I start. I might buy a set of multiple size tools then end up getting rid of or giving away the ones I never use once I know which ones I’m comfortable with. Sometimes expensive hobbies require slow acquisitions and upgrades as my ability to use more advanced or expensive options come along.

I’ve had a friend say they never accumulate what they can’t load in one backpack and leave and that mortifies me personally. I like to plant some roots. While it’s nice to pack and go and think of how stuff will follow later, I definitely take pride in the tools of my trades. My stuff would easily fit in one UHaul but I can’t imagine culling my life down to very little by choice. I’d be really depressed and end up spending a lot to acquire them again.

Taking it with me was never the point. I never acquired things to be happy. But the joy of creation is being able to reach into different mediums and pull my stories out in whatever form they need to take. The items are raw materials, never meant to fulfill in the form I receive them but to help me realize my voice and aspirations, to share and grow and give when it’s so difficult to speak or find the words face to face. They’re meant to be contemplated, to make me ask myself how they’re important, how I’M important, and where I go next as long as I’m still able.

Right now, I’m fighting a painful fight and without the option to stop thinking about what I can’t immediately fix, I’d never be able to deal with it. There isn’t just one thing I do that could suffice. Options leave me with absolutely no excuse for doing nothing. I have things for when I can’t walk, can’t sit up, can’t see well, hear sounds too loud, lights are too bright; with stuff, I can travel well beyond my worst days and find a place where the knots in my throat and chest and stomach can unravel. I don’t need to feel sorry for myself or be disgusted with myself and set myself back. When dark and negative thoughts threaten, stuff can blast them away.

I definitely see, in some cases, where minimalism would be perfect. Some people may have been given early misconceptions on money/stuff=happiness or that their own value and memories were locked inside these objects, but for some, the type of accumulation makes all of the difference. Some of us need to learn how to enjoy window shopping or setting some limits we’ve never managed to set. Like with piercings or tattoos, if after several years, it’s still something I truly want, get it. Large purchases, really anything you need to save for or would cause some tightening of funds to accommodate, should come with a period of at least twice the amount of time it takes to save for it. 

One of the reasons I have expensive things is because I’ve always cut out other luxuries like going to the movies or going out to eat; I didn’t have to make more money, I just had to reprioritize in most cases. Many jobs wouldn’t allow hours exceeding overtime anyway.

Another reason is that I have this uncanny knack for finding product review programs that net me things I would never pay so much for but I’ll talk about that very interesting journey of mine when I am no longer a part of those programs. Some have confidentiality clauses and I would never dream of violating them and losing the privilege. Even when I can’t work a regular job, I often do surveys or write reviews which lets me flex my writing chops too. I have some humble passive income in the form of selling a couple crochet patterns so I’m thinking of boosting my crochet pattern designing to increase the likelihood of that becoming more lucrative.

So yes, minimalism would not be a great idea for those like me. I do liquidate and avoid unappreciated hoards and any need to impress others with luxuries I can’t afford and will quickly have little or no value as the next best things come along. I believe my personal habits are something I pride myself on. And while I do hate waste and am sometimes guilty of overconsumption, I try to repurpose or gift those things to where they’re actually wanted or needed.

I do think minimalism is a fascinating concept but I know it’s not for me or something worthwhile to attain. It largely centers on mentalities that won’t make me happier or offer an epiphany for mistaken ideals and perceptions. I do think it’s good to separate yourself from things from time to time; go ahead and test what of your life you want to fit in a bag and travel away from home with. It can certainly be telling when you either come home and appreciate your things or if the excess makes you anxious. 

I guess what always makes me skeptical (and this goes for veganism and other moralistic based lifestyles) is the tendency to almost passive-aggressively or even outright shame those who can’t, won’t or shouldn’t follow suit. Attributing a lack of morals to why you won’t convert makes me wonder what they’re selling. Worthwhile messages, to me, always include disclaimers that show an insightfulness to those who might not benefit so soundly.

My opinions always come with reflection on other viewpoints. I like to show that I have indeed considered other arguments but still firmly or at least stably landed on my position. Many of my opinions do have room for adjustment but sometimes you just have to believe and respect when someone says ‘I hear where you’re coming from but it’s just not for me’.

And respectfully if you think it’s moral to set laws to enforce your lifestyle on others, you’re not only on shaky ground but you’re sinking through it like quicksand. Knock it off. There is no god that casts you to hell for the choices of other. Mind your fantasies, realities, and just try to live a good life doing no harm to others. Be minimal, be extra, learn what works for you. 

Drastic Times

 From my scant blogging over the past year, I’ve managed to talk about my struggles with getting healthy. In the past few months, I hit a major setback with what seems to be the very natural but sometimes devastating signs of perimenopause. The more severe and frequent parts being hot flashes, increased bouts of chronic and localized pain and mood swings. Diet and exercise have been difficult to adjust and I ended up putting back on the weight I struggled to lose over two years plus about ten pounds. Despite circuit training and tracking diet (both calories and macros). I tried fasting for longer intervals, both two weekly 36 hour fasts and the infrequent three day fasts. Fasting helps the chronic issues a lot but I haven’t gotten any weight loss breakthroughs. And really, most fasting blogs and advice are coming from young healthy men (and rarely women) so their advice is rarely reflective of what I, a middle aged obese woman with questionable health obstacles, can actually expect to experience or safely do. 

However, I worked up to my current situation and know how to read my body. Early on in the fast, I consumed tea and black coffee but that seemed to cause more problems that it fixed so the last two days have been water and slowly sipping high sodium broth because I don’t want to have a fragile infant’s digestive system after this. Therefore, supplementing a proper level of electrolytes has been key. I take potassium and magnesium in capsule form in the morning with a lot of water then save a probiotic and high sodium broth for the night. Sometimes I do need to take Pepto Bismol, omeprazole or famotidine at night to ease my stomach for sleep but I have not experienced insomnia (and have slept pretty great throughout). It’s really important that if your prolonged fasts are not supervised to take into consideration how your medications will affect you and to never think fasting will be more beneficial by eliminating medication or electrolytes. These do not make fasting results more effective and can cause chronic health issues or worsen current ones if you buy into ‘clean’ fasting bullshit. The same extreme diet and exercise you could get away with as a healthy 20 year old could kill you later. A safe and intuitive fast beats a ‘clean’ fast any day. Also, be advised that you may benefit more from a fasting-mimicking diet, which is often the ‘extremities’ that diabetics are put on. Personally, I do better cutting out solid foods and calorie worries altogether and just use electrolytes as my safety net.

I might have forgotten to mention I am reaching the last 10% of a five day fast. You may have heard you’ll get mental clarity and focus and energy, which I haven’t gotten outside of the second and third days and never for long. I also have inattentive ADHD so hyperfocus and no focus at all are the only two settings I normally have and wouldn’t know what ‘increased focus’ actually means for someone like me. Since the pandemic and moving, I haven’t been medicated for it but outside of working, I don’t need it and I’d rather reserve going back on stimulants for when I’m able to work again. So I can’t attest to whether focus or clarity is actually a positive of fasting because I didn’t really experience anything like that. Just like taking Adderal tends to give the average person meth-like powers of cleaning and laser focus, it really just slows me down so I can socialize and react a bit more controllably.

The worst part can be the hunger pangs (which also never quite went away for me but only ever dulled) and the almost hallucinogenic obsession with food. I can smell it and nearly taste it with enhanced memory and I get insane inspiration for recipes that just dance in my head with powerful clarity. And despite the fact that food obsession is almost torturous while fasting, I record or plan how I will eat afterwards, which actually reduces the risk of overfeeding or outright bingeing. But since I’m a soul cooker, I don’t actually have set recipes; I season to taste and experience so I can definitely list off what I use but can’t guarantee you will balance it the way I do. 

The other negative for me is that anything I ingest outside of the supplements and water can turn into a nasty shart later. Not in my clothes because the Bucket List movie’s ‘never trust a fart’ is so true but having to run to the bathroom for a weak coffee colored wet fart is annoying so that’s why I end up ditching the coffee and tea beyond the second day. However, the supplements are useless without sodium and plain salt water is awful so the high sodium broth is a necessity. I just have to be mindful to either dilute it a lot or sip it very slowly between lots of water or I’ll be hitting the toilet.

This is where I have to assert; these small spurts aren’t dangerous, but take them as yellow flags to discontinue. Because of the dark coloring, it was an obvious symbol of tea and coffee being the culprit. However if you expel a full bout of loose stool or outright water, start eating a small amount of food and break the fast gently and immediately. Even taking electrolytes, frequent urination or an expulsion of diarrhea are immediate signs you’re losing way too many electrolytes and need proper nutrients now. Don’t wait this out or try to bear through it or you can end up heading to the emergency room.

That shouldn’t scare you but it needs to be a proper warning. Don’t feel guilty if you need to end a fast you haven’t tried before or aren’t prepared for yet. I’ve had setbacks but I give myself proper healing time then try again.

I should note that because I’ve had so many weight loss setbacks that this 5 day fast has no weight loss goals attached in the least. I’m not even going to weigh for that reason. This is because I’ve experienced autophagy (pronounced aw-TAW-fuh-jee) benefits for pain and inflammation on previous three day fasts and I’ve since read about extending autophagy and am really hoping it can balance my hormones and reduce pain to make my diet and exercise routines (which are more than sufficient otherwise) more effective.

Which brings me to the benefits that make me fight the worst and keep going. Hot flashes, gone. You actually get cold easier while fasting (that much is actually true) so I’ve done something I haven’t been able to do all summer: turn the AC off for hours at a time. I would love to be able to enjoy this along with energy in the future but this is huge for now. Secondly, HUGE reduction in chronic and localized pain. I have both fibromyalgia and touch and go issues with hips, ankle and toes and all of those have been significantly dulled over the course of fasting. Although lethargy and brain fog have not been so magically affected, I’ll take those two things alone and embrace them as evidence enough.

I do advise you research autophagy. There have been proven studies for its effectiveness in slowing and even reversing some aspects of aging, preventing and even treating cancer (again, if you have cancer, this is something you’ll want to okay with your doctor still), cell regeneration and renewal as well as disposal of old and ineffective cells, and even healing old aches and wounds that therapy and medication haven’t quite helped. Even the revised version of how it works can be quite lengthy, so I’ll pique your curiosity to begin with that. It starts with what to expect in fasting stages (anabolic, catabolic, fat burning, ketosis and deep ketosis) and those will often coincide with how to activate autophagy and what the results can be with extended fasting. What I have read on autophagy during five day fasting has intrigued me. I initially intended to do at least four days but since I am still feeling okay decided to go for five. 3 days can go a really long way with digestion and immunity but you’ll start to involve increased stem cell production and musculoskeletal repair if you keep it going. It’s really interesting how your body starts to assign different jobs when digestion isn’t demanding so much energy and your body becomes more efficient at using what is left. And at the same time, your hunger hormones will still keep screaming at you about attaining food so you don’t just give up and starve. This is largely why I don’t seek to ignore or suppress the desire for food. That is not something you ever want to lose. Instead, rein in on how you can use food thoughts efficiently later. If it’s really becoming too much on your willpower, you may want to do something a little physically exhausting (but not to the point of dizziness or fainting) to sleep off some of the fasting period. 

I absolutely intend on sleeping off the last eight hours. Ten o’clock tonight is bedtime and by 6 AM I’ll have conquered this five day journey. I truly hope I’ve achieved the level of autophagy I need to knock through some health issues but if nothing else, I never lose hope and I never stop trying.

I would love to reach more people on the reality of obesity and personal struggle, to stop people from assuming obesity means a lack of effort or laziness or pretending it’s concern to shame or belittle people or even shower them with good intentions and unsolicited advice without knowing anything about the many medical hurdles and conditions that can make all of the CICO/hot yoga/etc banter just die. It’s lazy ‘advice’ and there’s nothing kind or eye-opening about it. I was healthy, athletic, full of energy and a normal weight up until I very suddenly wasn’t. Circuit training and strict dieting worked to get me close to a normal BMI until it didn’t. I wish I could say what will work next but I don’t know. I’ve never imagined there would be a place where P90X3 and a managed diet wouldn’t work. And more terrifying, that I’d watch the weight pile on plus a little more WHILE I was so carefully dieting and exercising. But when something doesn’t make sense, there are complex levels that only working with a doctor MAY help me breakthrough.

I couldn’t get a doctor appointment for blood tests until late August. I didn’t want a long fast to mask any levels or concerns that might help me get accurate treatment which is why I’m doing it now. By the time I go, I will have literally tried every healthy path I could. I’m actually hoping there is some pesky food intolerance I can eliminate or some hormonal therapy that can correct whatever is happening because… let me tell you, it’s taking every ounce of optimism and determination and self-love to face this. I can never have a model slim body but I sure as hell want to build a strong healthy one. The sort that will have me firing off my creative energy without physical limitations again! I can’t tell you how much I’m obsessed with being that person again.

And I blog this nitty gritty BECAUSE I didn’t see much representing the experience of people in a similar demographic. Ffs, we don’t just get here and give up and we need to hear there’s hope! Keep finding your health and peace, ladies! To the rest of you, I’m rooting for you too but biologically, my experiences probably aren’t going to do you much good and that’s okay too. I’m hoping the foray into autophagy might be enlightening though!

Sharing as Intended

 I kept up with my hiatus with the bulk of social media, which inevitably sent my blog into silence too. But the longer I drifted from using social media to journal and bitch and assert, the more I came back to what drew me to forums and internet socializing to begin with: to learn and to share.

Lately, I’ve set out to learn. I spent quite a while in high output mode and maintaining it actually became draining. There was, as I’ve mentioned, neglect to health, to really absorbing and observing and to people I care about. While these things were patient, too patient in some instances, I accumulated my own guilt in the realization of neglect. I was giving and giving but not open to taking more in to keep feeding that beast.

So I turned to learning. I picked up learning Japanese again, not with a fan-girl love of anime from the past but just because I truly enjoyed what I had learned and wanted to pursue it in much the same way I am always a student of the English language: to see how it can continue to enrich effective communication.

I am still not quite ready to create. But I’ve done some spring cleaning, with notebooks I kept to lead me back to my unfinished books, organizing files, looking at many, many unfinished projects with some reverence and silent resolution to return when the time comes.

Though I can’t definitively produce when the magic hour will come, I continue to remind myself, to tickle the muse, to assure myself I truly had a wonderful world swirling about, one that is immaterial and will never collect dust but is ready to tingle intangible over trembling limbs once more.

I absolutely meant to wax poetic there, but my work does always linger like a romance waiting for my walls to explode into, well, neat proper piles to be swept away by magic brooms because muses aren’t maids. 

In all honesty, I happened upon cherophobia, a true fear of being happy. I have run into challenges that held me immobile when I had convinced myself I was trudging through. But it seemed like every resolve to enjoy and let myself feel deserving, I ran into some shit festival that made me question whether some unknown entity held ill intentions for me. Like many ex-theists, there are always bitter crumbs of a time when I thought maybe a god exists but hates me in particular. I can tell myself it’s absurd but paranoia lies in the recurrence to where I feel naive to not question the coincidence.

Speaking of which (and witches), I do find comfort in flipping tarot cards and cleansing crystals and burning herbs and wearing essential oils. Not because I’m ready to seek gods or spirituality but because I’ve learned that my senses need love to avoid overload. I love the way smells can alter my moods, the way the texture and aesthetic beauty of stones can wrench a smile from my battered soul, the way intentions for my self can make all the difference in how I perceive the world and what I give back to it.

My journey this year is about learning from mistakes and not rushing desperately in to repeat them. I am carefully cultivating a place where my passions can coexist and self-care does not become the sacrifice.

With that, I truly feel the tendrils of hope grow stronger. Age will not be kinder to periods of neglect. I can ill afford to sabotage the present with possible obstacles ahead. Creation always requires some risk, some angst, some care and some clumsiness. I must come ready and still be raw. 

Or as I’ve said in one of my wise metaphorical moments, pluck when ripe or resent when rotten.

On a more lighthearted note, I’ve thought of doing sort of random musings guided by my Google news recommendations. I always manage to kick up a crazy sense of humor inspired by content so it may be worthwhile to try that for blogging. Perhaps a summer project? But I won’t tease; there are a lot of maybes in my present and I’m still developing my goals without the restraint of commitment right now so it’s a thought. My nephews are almost on summer break so I’m feeling a small change may be welcome.

Happy New Year

 It’s odd, but this is the best transition into a new year yet. No alcohol; I opted to fast instead. I gave my nephews a steady supply of kettle corn and hot cocoa with marshmallows but held to my resolve. I spent a good part of the day irritated, which fasting can do when I’m sensitive to smells and sounds already.

But I always find the depth of a fasting state meditative and I’m… grateful. Hopeful, but in that skeptical way that humbles me. That way where being too happy always seems to attract trouble, but secretly craving jubilance.

FYI, my favorite X-Men from the cartoons was, no contest, Jubilee. Rogue was a close second, but even as a kid, her power always struck me as tragic in every way that Jubilee’s was just comically absurd, but fuck it, all X-Women had attitudes that conquered all.

I don’t have a particular point or topic so why not wander where I may!

The new year doesn’t need a new or improved me. I’ve completely adored facets of myself come and gone but I don’t necessarily need one of those incarnations either. I just want here and now to continue to bring me fulfillment and hope. I want to utilize the time I have the best I can, from moment to moment, to not shackle myself in expectations and paralyze my potential. I want to trust in who I am now, to remember not to anchor my happiness to fleeting thing. To creep away from the solace of retail therapy, if only because I am content with what I have and it shouldn’t be squandered or taken for granted. I just send a silent hope to now and later to let these things be used well and fully. That the anxiety and uncertainty they were collected with be made into something powerful and beautiful and humble and simple. That what they become is their true potential and never be disappointed by the lessons they have for me.

I just want the journey. Always. Whatever a cliché it might be, I’ve always stood by the thrill of the journey, not the destination. And how often the magic lie in the places in between, outside of the foreseeable plans and in the goodness and purity of that mystery. Just like in California, it wasn’t the trip to Disneyland or the anime convention that dazzled me; it was the sunburnt Arizona tourist who told me that his kids had tattoos too but he’d always been afraid to get one and the gay black stranger seated outside at a taco joint who caught my eye and instantly greeted me with ‘hi, beautiful!’. I owe some kindness to the world because of these people anchoring me, reminding me that the unknown can be spectacular and worth looking for. The slobbering toddler who giggled while I zoned out on a bench during a lunch break and gently touched my eyebrow ring in wonder and the weathered woman who loved the pink ribbon on my luggage and told me what it was like to work in a mental asylum decades ago. For giving me a perspective that kept me honest and sentimental and worthy along the way. For all the potential in the journey to come, keeping me humble and proudly myself—bring on the new year!