TMI: or For Women Who Want to Know Our Bodies

 A rare thing but I’ll start with an addition to the header and a disclaimer… 

This topic also applies to AFAB (assigned female at birth), basically anyone with a functional vagina and/or sexual drive. This isn’t exclusive to identities, but for the biological health of all. I can’t apply this specifically to trans-males undergoing hormonal treatments to introduce male traits since some parts of this topic cover a spectrum that leans towards estrogen-dominance. Female reproductive organ health is still a field full of unknowns and even speaking with others with female organs and health professionals alike cannot always provide a clear understanding or definite answer and I do my best to sort out if causation = correlation or if women who simply have similar experiences are dominating a conversation and the outliers may be hesitant to play the devil’s advocate or even be able to have visibility in a flood of responses. (I have been thinking of polling some questions and asking the answerers to color code their responses; red for yes, blue for no, or purple for inconclusive/undecided.)

Lengthy addition but the disclaimer will be shorter. This post will include my own experiences with sexual pleasure post-surgery, so some family or friends or sensitive people may not wish to proceed from here. This is your chance to bail so don’t come at me with anger or disgust because curiosity gets the better of you. On the other side, if you’re turned on, feel free to keep that to yourself. I’ll remind you that I am ace and unsolicited sexual advances are not welcome. This is for information purposes for women that have had similar procedures and are worried about how they will function after. Information should not be so difficult to find and the only way to relieve some of the anxiety of the unknown is to know the real-life experiences and possibilities.

As a refresher, I had a right unilateral oophorectomy, bilateral salpingectomy and a Novasure ablation, all things I’ve detailed in previous posts if you’re scrambling to figure out what those are. Plain speak summary is removal of right ovary (ovarian fibroma with presence of cysts), removal of fallopian tubes, and burning away of the uterine lining (radio frequency through a mesh net). These procedures were meant to restore the regular function of the remaining ovary, reduce the chance of menstrual irregularities and make sure the ablation did not cause a condition where the scarring extends into the tubes and causes excessively painful cramping. Because of this, along with the size of the ovary (11x11x4 cm in the final report), this is considered a major abdominal surgery and incurred a lot of uncertainty in the risks involved and the quality of life after.

Before getting into the sexual function category, I’ve mentioned previously some immediate benefits like the absence of bladder urgency, abdominal inflammation reduction and mobility restoration (or I pee normally, my stomach shrank and I can reach my feet again; sorry, but I’m not good with the plain speak but I do try not to exclude anyone. I also like to use my natural intellect and not dumb-down like I’m ashamed. And no, I don’t think those with smaller vocabulary comprehension are stupid or lesser, but I take pride in my self-education and think sharing it honestly is true to myself and gives others an opportunity to hit the books like I did). In any case, I wasn’t certain which benefits were due to surgical ileus (which is where your body limits unnecessary functions to focus on strengthening the immune system and healing process) or sticking around so I was hesitant to celebrate too early; glad for the relief but not unrealistic about them being a cure for chronic issues. I do still have acid reflux issues, bouts of insomnia, a slower healing issue in the largest incision, and a struggle for more than small bursts of vigorous energy. I do need to lose weight but I struggle to be cautious when I truly want to dive into a routine. I have no desire to count calories or restrict my diet but I do make mindful steps with portions and nutrition.

Well, that ought to scare off the thrill-seekers or at least make them work harder to skim for the juicy stuff so let’s get to the sexual function. Prior to surgery, I had issues with bad odor, rashes from pH imbalance, unpredictable and frequent bleeding and absolutely no libido. I’ve disclosed before that I’ve never had a super active libido (I could go months without stimulation/self-pleasure but generally, it was weeks apart) but when I was in the mood, I would have a couple dozen orgasms in about 30 minutes to an hour with the first in under half a minute because I would be fully aroused prior to the urge. I’ve been doing this since my early twenties; clitoral vibrations with a finger inserted to feel the spasms which also heightens the intensity, just feeling your own orgasms. Experiments with fuller penetration and different approaches to different erogenous zones but this was ideal and important in understanding why people might believe women don’t enjoy sex. Some of us just have very specific needs and are best able to fulfill them on our own.

I can’t say I would miss a libido particularly since I never invested my identity into it or consider it time wasted to lose it. For some women, it is important and I did wonder what would change about it. Whether or not it’s important to you, I do think my discoveries might offer insight to recovering women which is my only motivation here.

First off, I no longer have a strong or unpleasant smell so I’m not rushing to clean myself off. I do have limited lubrication but I think this correlates more with perimenopause. This isn’t a huge deal breaker and if you’re not familiar with KY insertables (a smooth gel capsule you insert via applicator like a tampon that restores natural lubrication for 24 hours), this is a super simple solution for that and also managed to dilute strong discharge and tame pH irritation. All things to note. Little to no discharge but little to no irritation. Aloe based creams work for the ‘little’ irritation but if you’re allergic, hydrocortisone will do the job. I actually find orgasms are much easier to reach and I still like the half hour to an hour duration, which means more. Again, because there’s no odor and little discharge, I feel cleaner and more refreshed, not like I’m cleaning up a crime scene. So worries about hormonal changes after major surgery crippling you completely are debunked here. And you’ll find most women do report positives, especially with removal of ovaries and/or uterus or anything other combination that stops periods. Periods and cramping tend to put a damper on, well, everything. I don’t miss the two days every month where I didn’t want to get out of bed, barely slept, and had to lay only on my sides and get up every hour to make sure I didn’t have a crime scene to clean up.

I don’t feel like ‘less of a woman’. If anything, our issues there stem from letting people define what we are. Understanding that my time on this earth is short even when it’s long, defining what fills my life gradually became dependent only on what makes me feel good and whole; helping and inspiring people, showing people a woman is a person capable of self-defining, always following my curiosity and sharing my discoveries to contribute to the efficiency of others passionate about pursuing those interests too.

I do know that once I release my words or art or products into the wild, I sacrifice some control of how they are received or treated but I’m also not responsible for honoring disrespectful, boring or unwanted feedback. Yup, sounds bitchy but only if you were expecting me to roleplay a fantasy I have no interest in. For those who understand or offer clever insight, these principles are mutual and the conversation enlightening and fulfilling.

But anytime I talk about sexuality or function, I have to throw down ground rules because some people try to cross lines of consent anywhere they can. Lay down some traps, scare off or catch the predators then I can get back to focusing on what precious time remains on the priorities I care to contribute to.

Maybe a trauma response, maybe a product of ADHD, I won’t deny those, but it’s my experience that if you’re not direct, if you’re giggly and fun and liberated, some mistake these things for naïveté, an invitation to flirt or a vulnerable target for perverse behavior so I have that knee jerk tendency to fully explain I’m having none of that.

When I do build any informational databases, I will be leaving personal anecdotes out of it but in these alpha stages of gathering info, I’m more forthright with my own experiences, on my own blog, in the interest of making it perfectly acceptable for women to relate personal experiences to others. Guiding a database with my personal experiences only just seems like a suspicious narcissistic display of ego and the searches we go on often have specific personal needs where each person needs to feel like it isn’t biased. Personal experiences are helpful but not for those seeking the most direct medical factual information, whether plainly or in medical terms.

And because I’m rambling a bit on the edge of insomnia, I’ll leave it at that. My intentions are only to provide some relief to suffering women (in all forms and identities but biologically relevant) so I do hope to pick through my own ramblings and assemble them more succinctly into a coherent form in the future. This blog is clearly not for my most organized and flawless epiphanies. Nor should it be! Social media is certainly less coherent but has its uses too. Blogs are for blunders! Just in a more ‘who is reading my diary’ kind of way. 

Everything to Everyone

 I’ve delved into aspects of my identity with vulnerability in the past but what seems to fascinate people the most about some of my lifestyle aspects is the why. It would be easy to dismiss it as being ‘born this way’ and in some ways, it can simply be boiled down to the personality or even how character develops it. It probably seems like I’m purposely choosing controversial and less understood stances (asexual, atheist, etc) but these labels are less a part of my identity and more permission to distribute my priorities differently. 

And yes, I could write a book on asexuality and the implications of mental disorder or trauma, but the same could be applied to most people’s sexual proclivities. Many people just closet the aspects that aren’t socially acceptable and still pursue them but have the nerve to feign the moral high ground. Some might be strongly influenced by trauma but since the spectrum of how a sexual abuse survivor ranges from abstinence to promiscuity, there’s no definitive way to accuse trauma of being behind every ‘alternative’ to the biological drives of procreation. In the same way, childless people can love children and even dedicate their lives to developing and improving the lives of children. And you know I’m going to cite Dolly Parton here as a prime example. There are many reasons why people’s sexuality is considered fluid and we all have motivations that determine its priority, ability to satisfy/pleasure, complete biological imperatives, hold social standing or create a sense of community and survival among others. It’s one of many flags that people can champion you for or hold against you, depending on how they want to justify their feelings towards you, but ultimately, you are the one that has to bear the consequences of those actions.

Talking about choice is iffy territory for preference, if only because some preferences are very much hard-wired while some of us reinforce it as a choice to avoid the social pitfalls and obstacles it presents to other goals we have in life. Ace (asexual for short) is both a constant and a choice because I’ve never been entirely certain. I do feel a little tingly when people are intimate in shows and movies and I have had a fascination with how sex can sometimes give away some pretty telling character traits. Yet I’ve experienced the ‘cold fish’ or detachment sensation when I’ve had people try for intimacy. I learned how to self-pleasure in my twenties and it created an awareness for the freedom of knowing how to rely on myself to maintain my libido and know how to seek what I want… then move on with my life.

I won’t go to TMI with that; I talked about it in great length when I released my first series of books which contains a great deal of bursts of eroticism yet never managed to be the central focus. It is comparable to how I think of these experiences, that asexuality was never meant to be a wall to keep people out or a challenge to be the one to break through. It just defines a lifetime of retrospection and introspection; I didn’t want to depend on anyone, either casually or monogamously, to fulfill this need. I didn’t want it to consume my time or energy or risk my health to pursue a physical connection. I certainly didn’t want an accidental pregnancy or an STI. My priority was to develop as an artist, a crafter, and to make that the hub of my social fulfillment.

And I feel like this needs to be said; too many people make the joke of asexuality on the biological level like there is no other interpretation of those word parts, despite a- meaning ‘without’ and sexuality being the PREFERENCE not the gender. Unless they also think bisexuality means hermaphroditism. And why stop there! Heterosexual would mean you’re the opposite sex of what you are born as (welcome to the trans community, straights!) and homosexual would be the new default since they would be the sex they were assigned at birth! You understand what is meant with this vocabulary and you’re either stupid or willfully ignorant if you hear some say they are ace/asexual and you assume they can reconfigure their sexual organs at will or need.

Atheism, to me, is a statement that I have no desire to engage in rituals or practices dedicated to a god or gods that don’t exist. I don’t doubt that people do believe in one or many but I’ve certainly studied religion to an extent and found it never could fulfill the promises it made. I feel the euphoria in my own creation, own the frustration of my own failures and mourn death because I will only have those memories of those lives and no existence as me beyond this one. I treasure this life and the lives of others because it’s tragic and precious and I do all I can to live alongside others and improve all of our lives because that is something that creates purpose in me. I’m not the kind and sensitive person I am because I fear what comes after life. I am this person because I treasure hope and goodness and harmony. I know that I am guaranteed nothing and many things will be grossly unfair and, like most humans, I will grasp to control situations that have no rationale or security. But I cannot believe in something on faith alone. I can believe in myself and sometimes other people but I have learned to wait for emotional upheaval to pass, then decide and take action. It was incredibly freeing to give up the ramblings of prayer to speak to myself and find the compromise between emotion and logic. Mythology is fascinating and I love to use it in fantasy, but I do not incorporate it into how I judge others or feel secure in the unknown.

Others can take these concepts and more and happily incorporate it into identity. Some do it healthily and others destructively. But my labels are minor aspects for me. My primary identity is creativity. I strive to develop how to communicate my perspective to study what I am capable of doing in the time I have. I have been sick for years and even in despair cling to hope I’d be able to thrive creatively again. I am still physically recovering but with a sense of optimism that once felt desperate and unrealistic. But I also never imagined I’d have a bladder that doesn’t rule my life and ever not feel twice my age. Whatever else life is or becomes, I know I will often redirect people from their confusion about my priorities, at least until I can satisfy them that there is much more to it than trauma or aberration from the norm. I am not here to convert others to my way of thinking; I stick around to remind others there’s a place for it.

Understanding can be hard or even impossible to reach, but I have always said that I am fine with acceptance. I don’t need you to reach uncomfortable levels of reflection to see things my way, but I do want to not be subjected to this idea that I need to be saved or fixed to coexist. Simply put, I can’t actually change minds against their will and that’s not my intention. As with all things, I just want to shed light on my humanity and the other nonconforming aspects as not inherently good or bad. We can’t paint others with the brush we use. We have to give others the ability to present their own stories.

It’s never that hard to imagine what other people would be without things we consider central to our existence. If we can remove condescension or accusation to ask why, we might be able to clarify. But always remember, no one owes it to you to explain the often abstract concept of a label. Google can answer that. If you want to know what it means to that person, most find it equally fascinating to give an answer.

We can’t be everything to everyone. We CAN define how our priorities can equal a completion of person.