Avoiding the Real Trap of Setbacks

First off, there are simply some life factors that will always make certain challenges harder for certain people. You can't simply wish away disability or mental illness, nor force your mind to latch onto what needs to get done or even what you feel like you really want to do. There's no magical solution and I don't have ten steps to overcome any hurdle. You will have setbacks--some that come from within and some from people or situations that slow you down or stand in your way.

What often remains the only thing in your immediate control is your inner voice.

I've had Hulu looping Shark Tank for a few days so I've picked up on some important lessons from the ones that 'failed' to pick up an investor. The show itself often updates to show success stories of the ones chosen to invest in, but it also shows that some of the ones who weren't chosen blew up with success. Often, it was the ones who walked out of that room with a better understanding of their business rather than defeated by what they thought was the lost opportunity that would propel them forward. Even when one of the Sharks told them to burn their business down and move on.

On occasion, yes, people have stars in their eyes on a sentimental mission and the advice to quit is valid. Passion alone could feed some hole in their soul, but they will always be a drain on their finances or those of their investors. It is always a mistake to walk into that room without BOTH passion and a sensible idea of how you can make your ideas worthwhile to an investor. Occasionally, how well you can pull their heartstrings actually works, but the Sharks also have fickle moods and are all business, no bullshit with someone else.

Gimmicks don't really save you when it comes to dealing with any setbacks in life. If you can accept that your passion may be a drain on other aspects of your well-being, by all means, follow them. If your business idea is promising but a tedious drain on any other happiness, would you still want it so badly? Socially, we're often lauded with the merits of grinding through anything that makes money, but it's considered frivolous to grind for happiness. While it may not be a popular risk, a passion is not some panacea for total happiness, success, or even somehow a lazier option. In fact, its failures can sometimes be just as devastating and just as bitter. It's even more socially acceptable to mock a failed passion.

I'm walking a broad circle around this, so let's close it up a bit.

Whatever excuse/reason you have for setbacks, and the way they can pile on so fast there's just enormous shock that isn't easy to climb back out of, you have to train your inner voice to mentor you out of the worst spots. Setbacks can enable you to push away accountability and actions rather than accept it as part of your unique learning process and own it. Going back to the business analogies, you'll hear people say 'my investors backed out' rather than 'due to decisions I made from inexperience, I wasn't able to keep my investors happy.' 

Your inner voice speaks for you. Don't take away your agency to act and correct setbacks by handing them the blame. Cause and effect isn't as simple as the right and wrong. The path of someone's success is not yours. You can adopt the risk involved with trying something that seems right for you, but not a guarantee that anything you do will yield good results.

In desperation, sometimes we think 'if only someone came along who sees how wonderful I am'. I've brought this up before, but that person is you. Another person isn't 'you' enough to really know your best interests. This doesn't mean you should look for emotional support or business collaborators, but it doesn't mean that those external forces should never replace your self-worth, self-confidence and fortitude to forge ahead when all else has abandoned you.

I know that the very common problem of depression and anxiety adds a different layer to matters of the self. It's an emotional override that sometimes sabotages reason and planning. This only means that you need to use your good days, however few and far between, to train your inner voice to override them in any way you can.

Even mentally healthy people fall into setback traps. Sometimes overconfidence makes failure hit that much harder.

Look--one day, you're on Cloud Nine; you're eating healthy, losing weight, mentally focused, have good relationships, love your job, etc. Things start to slip and maybe you eat more junk, gain weight, feel isolated and lose your job. Things fall into disrepair while you're over optimistically trying to tell yourself it will get better. You're not wrong, but you're also not really doing anything to correct it. You don't want to admit its probably depression or anxiety but months pass and it only gets worse.

Your inner voice isn't perfect. Optimism itself isn't harmful but it does need to be acted on. Hope can be a powerful tool, but at some point, hope means little if it doesn't motivate you to make the changes you need to make.

I'm not a self-help guru, so I can't assure you there's a perfect way to train your inner voice. It's mostly about acquiring micro-habits and learning mantras, little bits of wisdom, that spur you into action. Some will work every time, some need serious repair. It's akin to how some people snap rubber bands on their wrists to make cravings they want to kick develop a negative response.

I've exhausted my desire to keep on this topic, so why not plug in some updates?

Although I'm still not super-motivated myself at the moment, I've returned to poking at my book this week. I also ordered a test banner, one that I may use in future shows and conventions if I like how it turns out. I went with a polyester tapestry. I've always loved vinyl banners, but it's a costly option. I had a polyester tapestry hanging in my room for years and it may actually suit my brand. I've been looking for cost-effective options since I really want to put a lot into my booths. I've seen many an author or artist just sitting at a bare white table with nothing but a stack of business cards and their merchandise and they might as well be invisible. If I do this, I want it to be a real visual and hands-on infusion. It's extremely hard to be memorable at a show since there are so many amazing things on offer so there's no way I'm going with anything less than my best potential on display.

I hate to be a party-pooper but this weekend and the next will be stressful. Loud popping noises are extremely stressful for me and even more so when it's in the hands of amateurs who are drinking. Between the summer heat and the fireworks, I'm already both drained and nervous. I might not get much done, but it will pick up again later. For now, I'm just going to keep planning and plugging and building myself back up the best I can!

Double Post Time!

I was going to think of some eye-rolling, groan-worthy pun for dolls to hint at the reason for jumping into another post, but pretend I did, just enough that you're not actually irritated but still motivated to keep reading.

I got one of my doll parts today for Project Rienna! In case you're just tuning in to my aimless blog, I'm going to attempt to make a doll version of my cover art character on my second book, The Truth about Heroes: Two Sides to Everything. In case you haven't read it, which is more likely true, it's a series that explores an array of magical themes, intertwined with the all-too-human struggle for truth and happiness in a world balanced between grotesque realities and prevalent hope.

Damn, Gina, why can't I blurb like that when I actually need to?

In any case, Rienna isn't exactly a favorite, unless you count her being a sentimental first since she was the reason why I started it. She's not particularly exceptional in deed or spirit. This wasn't made to be a hero character, already sure they wanted to save the world or right some wrong. She seems awkward, sometimes reckless, all to certain, as most young adults are, that the world just needs to be taught how to treat her and everything would be simple.

When Rienna starts to begrudgingly take on more, it has little to do with a moral sense of justice. She simply concedes to taking on burdens on her single-minded mission. She'd sooner go through or around obstacles and be done it with, but her cold resolution does clash with aspects of her character she isn't consciously aware of. She hefts another weight and continues on, if only for fear that inaction will make her face the consequences.

So yes, I have a soft spot for her, but I could say the same about any of them. For me, the decision to make a doll of her came from that cover art. While I'm never actually married to what my characters 'should' look like, I truly enjoyed creating an aesthetic for her cover art and it's that aesthetic that I wanted to carry over into another medium.

I'm not much of a painter so I did order a face-up for the head. It wears a softer more neutral expression than my cover portrays, but the lips, minimal makeup, and silver-grey eyes on the doll head were just too perfect. The eyebrows and eyelashes even have that hint of copper I wanted. Show, don't tell though, right?

I haven't yet liberated the head from the protective packaging since the body is still in transit, but I lifted the face guard to steal a quick picture of her.

So many doll heads tend to have the sad orphan look so I love that this one is just a neutral expression that isn't forcing a mood. It's easy enough for me to take pictures and digitally modify expressions to enhance a mood so an easily editable expression is preferred.

I don't have plans to be exactly faithful to the source image, of course. I'd like to get more detailed with ornamental work. While drawn armor can be physically unlikely, I'll have to design the clothes and armor to actually stay on and not hinder the body, as well as be removable as necessary. It will take a lot of critical thinking and adjustments. I'm no fashion designer and my sewing skills are only passing, so I'll have to learn a lot as I go.

Either way, I'm excited. A hands-on project is always an exciting prospect for me. I hope to be able to post some progress shots, maybe tutorials, as I go. At the very least, a project can always help people learn what not to do.

"Kids These Days Get Awards for Everything!"

As a statement, I'd simply agree, but since it's always said with derision, there's a clear lapse in perspective that needs to be addressed.

Let's start with a little background. Where I live is one of the places where the school district was crumbling so badly over time that we were one of the places chosen on a government stimulus to revive the condition of our schools. The middle school and high school always accommodated all of the kids in our district, right in the middle of town, whereas the elementary schools were always kind of floating, 2 or 3 at a time, in buildings on the edges of our not-so-illustrious parts of town. Now, I wouldn't go so far as to say we're impoverished here. However, while it was mostly middle class here when growing up, downtown Cincinnati began gentrifying the historical areas downtown, effectively pushing poor urban families into neighborhoods where rental houses were becoming more abundant.

Therefore, this area is now more populated by less wealthy families. Even in high rent areas they can't sustain long, the cost of moving is far less doable than taking on rent they can't afford and simply hoping they can make ends meet, job opportunities and raises will come along, before they're evicted for falling behind too much.

The anxiety of this factor is not a minor problem here and those home and lifestyle problems are very real to a great deal of the children here. Our district sees some of the lowest test scores and the highest dropout rates. However, building a huge new school in the middle of town has become a sort of sanctuary for these struggling kids and it could be much worse the way things were before. The teachers try to assimilate some of the most troubled kids with the kids who are more well-adjusted, but it's just as true that they have to create environments that don't drag down high performing kids. It's been a frustrating struggle, but the schools have been doing a wondrous job in, not just pushing kids to succeed, but also giving them incentives to develop into adults.

One of those successful reforms comes as awards. This year, they started using a tier system. Tier 3 kids are the lowest performing and will not be promoted to the next grade. Tier 2 kids are struggling and may not be able to handle more demanding work. Tier 1 kids are average and above, the kids that only need further encouragement to keep performing well. Tier 1 kids are given the privilege of field trips while Tier 2 kids are considered, based on how hard they are trying. You truly have to be neglecting school work to even be Tier 3. So Tier 3 isn't necessarily punished. These kids are often personally tutored, either by Tier 1 kids or community volunteers, and any show of improvement gets them off of Tier 3 in a heartbeat.

It's important to know that only teachers and the individual student know their tier number. They are allowed to share it with peers but it's discouraged, just as much as talking about how much money you make at your job. It's not a scarlet letter, just a measure of how much attention needs to be focused on their ability to succeed on that grade level. You wouldn't believe how healthy it is for these kids. They don't throw numbers at these kids, just goals for personal success. Turning the competition into a personal goal keeps them from getting frustrated with themselves for not being like their peers, frustrated with each other for the need to best one another.

To further press that point, my nephews perform at the top tier, but there is zero arrogance about it, no bullying based on being 'nerds' nor any perceived privilege. One of their friends quite plainly told me at the end of the year that he was Tier 3 and was staying in the same grade. He didn't have a brusque or defeated attitude about it and I reflected the same back, with the encouragement that it's good that he'll be able to focus on learning the work and it happens. One of my nephews moved into a school district with stricter requirements once so he was set back a grade. It's not an indication of intelligence and high school is a new ballgame.

One of the ways these kids are successfully moving up in their tiers is because they are recognized for 'simply' improving. They have awards for citizenship, which amounts to simply being kind to each other. They have awards for showing up. I know that sounds absurd all by itself but this is a school district where the breakfast and lunch served at school are the only meals some of these kids get. Kids walk in the snow without coats and in the rain without umbrellas, the same kids that can't afford school supplies or uniforms. We don't shame those kids here. Any kid can walk into our school offices and tell the secretaries they need clothes or supplies and they get them, no questions asked. Some of the kids go home to negligent or abusive parents, sometimes parents they need to take care of. 

Schools are not the place to throw every kid into boot camp on the harsh realities. While the curriculum is definitely something schools need to improve, some of these kids are already hitting hard realities at home. A shaky economy and the stress that comes with it are factors these kids are all too aware of. If it takes a few pieces of paper and pats on the back to keep these kids on their feet, the least we can do is stop hissing through our teeth about their privilege.

Until you've actually gone to parent-teacher conferences, assemblies and know exactly why these schools are using these methods, it's best that you hold your tongue against the vitriol of assumptions.

Statewide reform needs vast improvement. Curriculums need more life skills and artistic classes to balance academically. Test scores need less weight on measure of performance. But as for these schools, some of them are really reaching kids, at the very least initiating them towards adulthood without dismissing their childhood.

Kids these days need very different things than you and I did. Don't begrudge them systems that actually work. You didn't have internet, you didn't have social media, you didn't have this shithole economy looming over your career prospects fresh out of school. Give these kids an award just for being on the right path. Let them anticipate rewards/compensation for things done right. Think of it as their paycheck if you must. They do earn it.

Containers and Voids

One thing creatives all have in common is the need to feed their soul. Okay, that's more of a human condition in general, but what makes a creative type more capable of pumping out work and staying busy is largely dependent on filling an endless void.

Everyone has a container, a capacity for satisfaction to overflow. However, a creative often doesn't have that. Ha, I guess that probably sounds ridiculously sad, to say that the capacity for satisfaction is somehow slimmer, but it's not quite that pathetic. No, inside that void, where ideas are endlessly poured and just as quickly syphoned away, the creative just has to make waves, to catch those juicy streams and shoot them over the brim. So rather than dribble down the glass, as a full container might, a creative becomes a sort of tamer of dreams. 

Of course, forcing those pieces to become something means it takes a lot more control to gather them to fill the audience's containers. Much like working as a waitress, I have 50 ideas in play (or 50 drinks to refill) and it's become more than just filling glasses, but finding the ones who wanted them to begin with.

Nothing is worse for a creative than a void that is simply a vacuum. Which is why it's just as important to find enough outside of our heads to throw into it. Turn it into a blender and find more to gather from. It doesn't mean you HAVE to travel or party every night. Sometimes it means just laying on the floor and playing with cats or watching the rain slap and slither along your windows.

Spending too much time unloading into a word processor or sketching lines... Sometimes, those things just stop flowing and, as a creative, it could cause a panic. Shouldn't the thing you love come, good or bad, as easily as breathing? Of course, no one actually thinks it's easy, but productivity often suffers for lack of those inspirational connections.

As I've said before, writing and drawing are my primary focal points, but I have a lot of hobbies, things I simply enjoy to keep things going. Sure, some people have that one thing they tend to stick to, but the most prolific creators I know are the ones that don't hit full panic mode when that one thing isn't what they want to do. They tend to immediately realize that they have other aspects of their life to work on: a 5 mile jog they wanted to do, a book to read, animals to pet. Some even have sporadic hobbies, things they might also be great at, but definitely just enjoy, if not. Maybe they only connect with it a few times a year, but even if it's work, it refreshes them like a vacation might.

So I guess this is the best time to segue into what made me want to build up with that: doll making. I'm not particularly amazing at it, if only because I'm not a terrific traditional painter or fashion designer. It falls under the category of something I sometimes enjoy. I get a lot of compliments on my second book cover:

Yep, this one...

And I've always wanted to start doing a custom build on a 1/3 scale doll. I've done customs on Barbie sized dolls (which are 1/6 scale) and it's pretty tough working with a model that small. I saved up some money and finally bought the doll parts I liked. Although I had the face pre-painted and the fishnets will be pre-made, I decided I'd craft and sew the other elements myself. And that includes wefting the wig and molding armor this time around.

I'm really excited to attempt to recreate her. It's a project very likely to get me back into my own blender state that inspires writing and drawing more again.

Not that I ever go cold turkey with writing and drawing. I'd just like it to fill more of my day again, but I just haven't been hyperfocused on it. Reconnecting is often about the very intricate nature of inspiration.

So I'm never really trying to fill the void nor trying to attain overflowing satisfaction, just keep the muse twisting around in ecstasy, wherever we meet.

More on Totem

I went back to Totem today, but I'm looking at the draft lines I started and... decided to start over. I did keep the basic structure, but each of the characters is a different ethnicity and mood and it just felt like it was missing something that a few quick lines wouldn't accomplish. There are several enmeshing elements that combine them, things that blend and things that separate. There is no hierarchy here, but I'm sure people will read into that. I'll talk more about what my thoughts were when I created it when it's finished, of course, but likely in a separate post from the picture itself, just because I don't WANT to lead you into exactly what you're 'supposed' to be seeing. I still want to give the viewer some ownership of their thoughts and impressions, to have visceral reactions rather than know what to expect.

So all I got done today was fully drafting it. Now, normally a draft takes me 10 minutes, an hour at most. This one took me two hours and a slightly different approach. For one, I like to do draft lines in the most extreme colors of the digital spectrum. In this case, I started with blue (or cyan, that eye-blinding light blue) to form their bodies and faces, then used green to do clothes and accessories. Usually I stick with those two, but this time, I did yellow for the hair lines. Most notes were jotted down in the same color and layer I was working in at the time.

However, I finally got the lines, direction, mood, and many elements to flow without becoming too busy. There's a little bit of a background in this one, but only because it's an important bleed into the foreground. I'm not much of a background artist, if only because large scale distance planning is not my forte. I've managed to do some outdoor backgrounds, but they typically aren't large scale (a dense forest, a waterfall, a mountain at closer range, etc). Indoor can be challenging but I also rarely get creative with the architecture. If I really want to do so, I still know my way around basic 3D modeling and could throw together some basic furniture shapes and room dimensions to help out with backgrounds.

Mostly I end up sticking to characters. That's where I start to connect with the moods and emotions of drawing. It's not the abstract that draws me in, although living bodies are plenty diverse. However, it is the underlying skeleton, the movement of muscle and skin (or feather and fur) that freeze in their dynamic states that really connect me to the work. I love to blend real anatomy with my favored Disney and anime influences to create something personal. If I want a quick fix, some comic line work does the trick. If I want to bleed, sweat, cry and ache, it comes down to a painting that won't let me go for days or weeks at a time.

Speaking of which, part of the reason I broke off was because that ache has gone from delicious to actual back and shoulder pain, so I'm cutting off of here soon as well. There's something gratifying about turning work I can't yet share into words.

But as usual, I'm both screen shotting progress for a post that shows my workflow as well as planning to share the picture in one post and my impressions in another. So there will be three separate posts pertaining to it... unless I feel like throwing another one of these impatient posts in while it's a work in progress.

For now, a break is in order. More to come before another work day pops into the radar.

Can You Paint With All the Colors of the Yarn?

I did mention before that I was on a quest to find cheap, soft, strong yarn in many, many colors to begin making more amigurumi with. This took me to some interesting yarn choices on AliExpress. I'd bought some milk cotton from there in a pinch and ended up making some wonderfully soft headbands with them. One of the reasons I don't actually wear many crocheted hats or headbands is because even the softest yarns tended to irritate my forehead. Even if they were soft, they weren't breathable or caused more sweat than they could soak up.

I'm not a masochist for fashion so it's always comfort first.

A decent yarn of all those requirements was usually an expensive ask, despite how very cheap it is to make. My other option was to order from a Turkish company called ICE, which has beautiful quality yarns... But also came with a shipping cost of no less than $45, so unless you want to buy in serious bulk, it's not the best choice. And I did order bulk from them. For a little over 100 dollars, I bought a ricidulous amount and selection of yarn, averaging out to no more than $1 for every 50g ball.

It felt a bit like spoiling myself but it wasn't the kind of purchase I could make often. Where could I get a deal like for smaller volume?

Well, I answered that already so the suspense is gone, but yes, you can order a variety of wound fibers for an amazing price at AliExpress... If you don't mind the 3-5 week wait on average. Which I don't. In fact, I'm quite willing to wait to avoid retail mark-ups. Now, milk cotton sits at a little over a buck per 50g ball but even higher quality fibers like alpaca, silk, cashmere, and bamboo blends tend to hang around the 3-5 dollar per 50g ball range. Blends, of course, but I tend to prefer blends since they are varying percentages of other materials like merino wool (one of the few sheep wools I'm not sensitive to) or angora that actually provide more stable woven strands that make up for another fiber's weaknesses. Some luxury materials like cashmere tend to shed or cling to itself so stabilizing it with silk or bamboo, a much sturdier fiber, is a plus.

I'm going to break off topic for just a paragraph to inform here, but sheep's wool allergies/sensitivities  are not created equal. For a long time, I believed all animal wool was the culprit but in my case, only poorly processed wools that have high levels of lanolin were the issue. I'm able to work with merino because it is often properly processed. For those that believe that wool is the irritant, most of us are actually triggered either by animal dander or, in sheep's wool, it's the lanolin. Just like we secrete levels of sebum to regulate our skin, sheep secrete this as one of their natural defenses. Just like how humans can overproduce or underproduce sebum, sheep wool can contain levels that are irritants to us as well. Some wools are bleached in processing before they are dyed (if they are dyed, at that) so they are more prone to cause irritation. I myself have sebaceous dermatitis, an overproduction on my scalp, and not only can it make my skin itchy and flaky but even cause scabbing and bleeding if untreated. So of course, trying to cut corners on animal yarn processing means ending up with a 'cheap' product. Though removing wool from a sheep is kind to them, poorly processed yarn can in turn be unkind to sensitive human skin.

One of the reasons I like milk cotton is that it's a very renewable natural crop, definitely cruelty free no matter the process. It's very gentle on skin, both working with it and to be worn later...

Buuuut... Going back to the quest for a rainbow of yarn, I believe I've fulfilled that requirements, even nabbing those vibrant pinks, oranges and whites that I normally don't seek out. However, I wanted to challenge myself to make character plushies that DO utilize those colors. I don't enjoy that I'm a sort of color prude, a bit of a quirk that I won't let limit me as an artist. I find that preferences and hang-ups simply come from lack of good experiences, and that challenging those perceptions often means being able to change them and even embrace new attitudes that improve you. Aversions are hard to correct, but at times, the things we avoid are only minor annoyances or hesitations, something with room to be challenged. For me to actively avoid color choices has always been a discredit to what potential exists in reaching those who do gravitate towards them. What positive energy can exist by appealing to someone else's spectrums? Can I deal with my annoyances now to open my eyes to the response of positive energy that comes later?

And yes, I can. 

I wasn't looking to subliminally add a race parallel here, but I did notice it as I built. Literally, I'm exactly talking about my silly individual aversion to orange, pink and bright white being a problem. But sure, it's also silly for people to weigh skin color with so much finality. But you know, sometimes the shoe fits other feet. Life is no Cinderella story where no one else in the kingdom has the same tiny feet. Or make us wonder if he might've ended up with an 8-old-boy if he'd never found her.

Those stories are always creepier the more you analyzed them though, yeah? But face value is never where the juicier stories are at anyway.

Oh, I could tell you quite a yarn, but I just broke so many pun-haters' backs with that one...

Power Hours

My waitressing job isn't tough. It's even pretty fulfilling and good for my social development. It's also a compressed three hour (sometimes a little longer) shift, which is so much better than running around or standing for an 8-hour shift. On a slow day, I still pull $50.

But damn, it drains physically like I ran a marathon. Not quite tired enough to nap, but not really awake enough to do more than vegetate with Netflix or Hulu. At best, I might sit up to scribble down notes on what I'd like to do when I have more energy.

Well, last night, I printed off and added borders to another 100 business cards. That took about two and a half hours so it wasn't too time-consuming. It was pretty much the slow wait of them printing then folding and perforating, followed by sorting border colors, rolling on tape, cutting excess, rinse repeat. I like the sort of mindlessness of it because it gives me room to daydream or just quiet my thoughts, sort of meditative.

Tomorrow, I'm going to peruse website layouts, pick those out, pick HTML colors (they'll match my business cards; a mix of cream, warm browns, and a dusty purple accent), organize photos, then let Joe do his magic. I was only putting that off until I could test print the business cards, make color adjustments, then decide how the site colors would play into that.

Writing might happen, but really, I'm anxious to finish Totem. Writing is something more natural to step away from but art seems to have a window for whether it will be finished or I'll get distracted by a shinier visual desire.

I'll be ordering a doll base soon, with the hopes of customizing her to look like one of my female characters. It's difficult to find the right male doll parts. They tend to be generic, boyish (rather than masculine adult), and limited, which is why it's much more tempting to customize a female. Now, Iplehouse, one of my absolute favorite BJD manufacturers, sells the most amazing male forms, but I'm not quite in a place where I could display, protect or maintain such expensive dolls so that option is not a short-term goal. If I had the room for a big display cabinet and even more to spend on the base bodies, let alone outfitting them, I'd have two foot tall versions of at least a few of my characters, but for now, I can dream. It's a much higher priority to juggle inexpensive hobbies with my career ambitions than it is to blow every cent on showstopper pieces.

Of course, there's crochet too. I'm still waiting on a few yarn colors to come in the mail so that's on hold until then too. I tend to buy inexpensive but ridiculously soft milk cotton yarn from overseas. Unless I can hit a yarn sale locally, most US companies charge more for less impressive yarn. As much as I love to support local businesses, especially since I'm leery of supporting countries where labor laws are inhumane, yarn is one of those supplies that goes fast and takes a lot for anything but small projects, so it's just as distasteful to spend more for less quality and yardage. Yarn production isn't one of those things that even needs heavy manual labor to produce, just someone to inspect and fix the machines that spin, color and label yarn.

Time to stare at some show I'm only half watching for now. Much to choose from but I have a good idea where to focus my priorities once I've rested.

Gender Value in Fantasy

I rarely ever start a post with a disclaimer, but it's important to establish right out of the gate that this particular consideration in fiction is highly optional. Through the way your society mirrors an existing culture or through the way characters and environments interact, your readers will both decide if there's a gendered bias or if it's even personally important for them to observe one at all. What I'm going to cover here is a consideration, an analysis, of the many ways we can exhibit this in action on a conscious level. It's not 'woke' or any attempt to establish superiority and inferiority, just techniques in exhibiting it on many levels.

The broader you go, the less you need to think about it. An entire world is rarely on the same page when it comes to gender roles, so we tend to skip an unified norm there. It tends to narrow down perceptibly within a country, and more so as you whittle down to maybe tribes or clans, communities-- but where it gets trickier to maneuver is where it comes to occupation and, most difficult of all, the individual.

What do I mean by occupation? Well, let's take it to the current stories I'm reading, Andrzej Sapkowski's The Witcher. 

If you haven't read them but would like to, you may want to avoid this post. I don't like to spoil things for people and it's unavoidable since I'm using some pretty prominent plots to form the examples.

Sorceresses/Sorcerors, as well as Witchers, tend to carry their own priorities on gender value, due to the limitations and advantages occupation places on them. In this case, it's not a simple as a career or job role; this one is partially a genetic or altered genetic state that chooses their job for them, but before I go into that... Purely occupation being the consideration, then you're probably personally familiar with the term 'work culture' where certain attitudes and ways of life become normalized, often outside of the influence of standard cultural norms. What is appropriate and inappropriate in male and female interaction tends to be a matter of what is enabled or shut down. Despite laws considering sexual harassment, for instance, if there's an air of permission that no one challenges, it tends to be allowed until opposition is made. Even then, the flow is sometimes so hard to divert that even higher managers and human resources personnel caught in it may deny that the problem exists rather than risk being accused of enabling it. You then have to find someone outside of that culture, who also feels the situation is inappropriate, to alter it. However, once you become a 'problem', you're better off working elsewhere because you will be shunned from that culture even once you've changed it. This is no longer a gender value concern because the champion of the cause is often simply avoided by all people involved. This is often why certain gender-related bigotry is simply suffered. The isolation in an environment you can't readily leave is damning. In some ways, to be a champion of a cause is often the luxury of those who already have an escape plan.

I realize I did a bit of wiggling, but occupation is often a 'destined' element in fantasy, and one with a more important context. So past the real world parallel that I jumped over to, we consider how gender is valued in the series I mentioned. Early on, it is mentioned that most sorceresses and witchers are sterile. Though how the sorceresses are only *sometimes* sterile is a bit vague, but the way that their vanity is fed by potions to erase their physical flaws and appear younger so they can charm people, while male sorcerors tend to aim to gain respect by looking older, it's very likely that the female's unique use of magic comes at the cost of a working womb. Now this is a bit of a complexity that whittles down to an individual character's dilemma--Yennifer of Vengerburg.

In different stories throughout, we learn small details of her mysterious past. In one, Geralt (the main character and Witcher, as well as her lover) suspects that her ministrations to become more beautiful were more of a trial than most. He is trained to observe the minute details of movement and anatomy and, when she is speaking to him while applying make-up at her dressing table one morning, he observes an odd gesture of shame that is characteristic to people born with a hunchback. In another instance, she wistfully talks about what it would be like to have a child, to be able to share her knowledge with a creature of her own making. While Geralt, in his usual practical matter of dismissing what can't be had comes to play, we see the bitterness lingers--it's clear she would never give up the mastery of her occupation, but the nurturing instinct most common in women still lingers uselessly, looking for a place to go.

Perhaps it's due to Yennifer's influence then, an empathy for the woman he loves (albeit questionably, given he tethered himself to her to save her from a genie), that Geralt, who seems immune to any kind of nurturing instinct, begins to take to the clever little Ciri and her resolute stance that they are destined to walk the same path. While he never seems resentful of the inability to father children, he also seems uninterested in children at all. He isn't unkind to them but, like with cats, they seem to naturally be repelled by him anyway; another reason why Ciri's fascination with him, her choosing to trust and be around him, unbalances him as it does. He seems so opposed to the idea of destiny, so opposite this starry-eyed girl, that it shakes his own sense of value. Rather than resigning his existence as a necessary evil, Geralt begins to accept his worth in the eyes of the women around him. It doesn't visibly soften his heart, but his actions begin to reflect their significance in his value. In most instances, he pulls back for self-preservation yet is still willing to die if he is inadequate. Where they are concerned, he never removes himself as their shield--except in the case where their strengths outweigh his own. He has the most brilliantly flexible ego, ready to always concede to the best possible weapon. And never afraid for a woman to wield it.

Back on the sensitive subject of fertility, it is a privilege that no Witcher enjoys because their genes are altered, pushed to their limits, and they are no longer essentially human. Geralt expresses that they have no emotions, that only fear is preserved as useful. Witchers are never anything but male and are usually recruited through the law of surprise, an odd favor asked of someone they save without payment, claiming in return 'the thing that they did not expect to see on returning home'. Which is usually a fated child, coincidentally always a male. In this brutal world though, female fighters are fairly rare and short-lived (in human societies at least) and females are still pegged as emotional creatures, an attribute less than desirable in a warrior hoping to survive. So in a world where the alpha male reins, for anyone to think Geralt has emotions at all could be catastrophic. Despite Yennifer's suspicions that he is just good at masking his emotions, he lies that it simply isn't possible; that's how they were made to survive. In this world, the gender values are suitably shaky. Women are valued as abstractly as men and always with divisions considerate of culture, occupation, but most moving of all, in the individual. As with Yen's sensitivity about not having a child, this also means that she is not selective of its sex or the sex of any child determining its worth, a persistent trauma that actually does her credit in removing a gendered value. Which smoothly transitions into someone who wasn't so compassionate...

Geralt's birth mother, a sorceress. This is part of the reason why Yennifer is stunned that he knows only some sorceresses are sterile. It's knowledge they are rather keen on protecting, and largely because it appears that society is particularly against sorcerers and sorceresses breeding. It's unclear where Geralt falls in this, but we get the impression that his insistence that the 'law of surprise' is the only way to recruit young boys is bullshit and that his mother even willingly gave him up because she didn't want a son. I haven't read enough to know how accurate this assumption is or what it could mean about why she gave him up, but it is clear that Yennifer doesn't care what his mother's reasons were, simply hates the woman on principle because she was both able to have a child at all and was so quick to throw that away. For some reason, sorceresses seem to be more revered than their male counterparts, so I suspect that to be a factor. There tend to be a great deal more sorceresses than sorcerers floating around as well, even though sorceresses were persecuted en masse in the game I played. So it's possible women are simply naturally possessed of immense magical ability... or perhaps less guarded in having it to begin with.

While I'm straying from the gender value points only a bit here, one interesting feature of magic seems to be its tendency to 'skip a generation' when passed through a matrilineal line. It seems that females more readily genetically pass on powers, which makes them more frightening to ordinary humans. There seems to be a common belief that magic is simply learned, so I don't think it's common knowledge that there is a genetic thread or inherited gift at all. In fact, in one short story, the princess who discovers she inherited her grandmother's power not only is more powerful but when her power presents, it is dangerous and uncontrollable. It is also highly suspect that blood inherited powers are a sign of latent elven blood. It would explain the fear-based but long-buried persecution of both elves and sorceresses at least. This doesn't necessarily state a value or preference for females, especially since they aren't also given a societal advantage to put males at a further disadvantage. In terms of inheritance in human societies, women are not even considered. So race also bleeds into the factoring of male/female value.

Despite the possibility for a preference or value to be prevalent, I rather like when we, as readers, are informed of the actions and left to assume the reasoning behind them. If it's important enough to the story, it will recur time and again without having to beat the reader over the head with it. Of course, our own biases and imagination will sometimes create plenty of scenarios that were intended. All for the better. It's just important for writers to know that you can very effectively lace a gender value issue into the plot without making it so obvious or central. In fact, if you can make the reader forget about it until it's time to recall it, it can have an even more powerful effect.

So, what did you get out of this analysis? Hopefully, it's the sense that you don't blatantly isolate the male/female value from the elements of the story. If you place barriers on how your readers will perceive that balance, you're losing sight of how fiction weaves many threads. It's possible to explain these concepts without using an example story, but that would only help the non-fiction writer to write a step by step process. For the writer, it's simply more practical to weave in and out with an actual thread, to tell the story and infuse it with the possible reasons behind it.

I hesitate to use this story too freely from this point on. I've only read the two short story collections and played the third Witcher game, so my guesses could be very off. What keeps the story interesting is that the characters rarely wind into exposition about themselves. They're not mysterious just for the sake of dangling out the story, but because it is more than clear that trust, hope, and sharing are things more likely to get you killed than make you all warm and fuzzy about it. What is fed to the reader is slipped through the plots and it's quite the playground for possibility. It's actually the kind of story where it's both rewarding to guess and rewarding to be wrong. 

So if you've already read them and I'm off base, let me be. I'll get around to seeing if my questions are answered. I do, however, find value in analyzing possibilities well before they are revealed. It's good practice as a writer to maintain mental flexibility, even when it's not my own work. Especially when it isn't. I'm not as invested in the development, so it's a finished but verdant playground nonetheless!

Off I go, for now. Miles to go before I sleep, you know.

A Beautiful and Just-Plain-Full Day

That rainless day I've been hoping for finally arrived so I started off my day with coffee and window sealing. A test of how well I did will come when it rains again, but just checking it off the list feels good all by itself...

After that, I was treated to one of my writer friend's screenplays that I've been anticipating reading since he started it. I intended to break up the 160+ pages over the week but I couldn't put it down once I got going. He has a way of blending both familiar and alien concepts in such a way that I'm never disappointed. I had plenty to say, as I always do once I get hooked.

Of course, I couldn't squander such a cool and sunny day so I stepped outside quite a bit to enjoy it. Probably pulled a lot of interesting faces while I daydreamed but my street was pretty quiet today so I didn't have a big audience for that.

Then onto the task of test printing and affixing borders to business cards. Since this isn't the first or even second time I've brought that up, I'll snap a quick pic in this low-light room of mine. It'll be a bit grainy but easier to show than explain.

The backside has a simple header as well as my website, email and phone info; very simple and functional. I used one of those handy roll on tape dispensers to put the borders on the top. I still plan on getting some higher quality cards--thicker card stock with better ink quality, but I'm happy with this design. The muted brown and purple also doesn't drain my ink supply so even after printing 100 of them, I'm well away from needing to replace the ink. One of the reasons I chose this printer to begin with was its ink conservation and it doesn't disappoint, even when setting it to best quality.

Admittedly, these tasks carried me well into evening, so I feel a well-deserved rest is in order before I tackle another couple chapters of another writer's work tomorrow. Hopefully it gets me revved up to do some more work on Totem or a writing project of my own. One or the other; drawing or writing, I'm not picky. As long as inspiration is on point, I'll go for it.

Oh, and picking a layout for my site. I have most of the pictures together for it, but still haven't gotten to that. Put that on my list. Probably working both Wednesday and Thursday so best to get as much of that in as I can. 

So, that's that. Ready for bed and open to dreaming. Well... As long as it's not one of those awkward dreams that makes me glad no one is privy to some of the dumb shit my brain dumps from time to time.

Seriously. Not even useful. For any genre, muse or pursuit. Just plain garbage. Better out than in, though. Either way, I'd rather it not be the stuff I remember on waking. It just makes me want to punch my skull.

Print-At-Home Business Cards and Editing

Fun stuff... But not really. Allergies, computer updates, restlessness. Despite uncooperative technology and drowsiness, I've at least managed to get a little done. I snatch up those little spots where I'm feeling better, but they're few for now. 

I bought the cheapest business card paper I could find, enough to print out 1000 business cards, but unfortunately, I got what I paid for. It's not as thin as printing paper but definitely not heavy card stock. The micro-perforation leaves messy edges. However, I feel like these are still sufficient as back-ups in a pinch. I'll definitely pay a printing company for better quality cards and likely use the nicer ones to hand out to people I talk to or sell something to. The color is nice and I like that it isn't a smooth paper, a little textured. I wanted it to have a sort of linen, book texture to it, so those still work for that.

I do know Avery's print costs are on the high side, but for what I want (either cream or ivory paper with a matte linen textured look), it's not going to be cheap anywhere. I feel like it's worth it, and then some, to go for what will make a custom design look its best. I'm not run-of-the-mill and I believe that anything worth having is worth paying more for. Not breaking the bank, of course, but cutting corners everywhere will leave people unimpressed.

Then there's the computer update part. One of those lovely updates that holds your computer hostage pre-boot. I have them turned off of Auto Update, but this means I have to manually check it when my computer is running suspiciously slow. Lo and behold, nearly every time, there's an impatient update making things gummy. So before I can hunker down for some reading and editing, have to wait that out. I mean, sure--I could sit on my desktop. Except the allergy part. Nauseous, watery eyes... I'm banking a lot of faith on autocorrect right now as it is. I don't dare risk the effort of sitting up distracting my work, especially when I'm doing it for someone else.

I have a feeling I'll nod off in the meantime. More energy for the task ahead though, if I do.

Just saying it made it harder to open my eyes after blinking. Well, I at least got to tell you the devil in cheap at-home projects and... The other stuff.

Yup, nap time...

The Love Affair with Digital Drawing

I'm not sorry that I'll probably gush about my new display tablet high for a while, but I'd also like to continue to talk about the pros and cons I come across, as well as how I make lemons into lemonade.

I've talked before about how Macs, while often perfect for my needs, aren't exactly flawless. For one, any lingering updates often gum things up. My Macs are also almost a decade old so they're not exactly spring chickens. My display driver got temperamental with me a couple of times, but the fixes were easy enough that it was only a hiccup. So here are a few of those incidents:

1.  Pen stopped working, mouse worked fine- this actually wasn't just from the pen running out of juice. I switched pens and it persisted. I keep the driver option in my Dock so it's always accessible and opened it up. Without doing anything else, the pen decided to work again. I got this.
2. Mouse left click not working at all- couldn't figure this one out, even with mouse settings. Restarting fixed this one.
3. Mouse left-click works but drop menus don't stay open- this only seems to happen on the display screen. It don't want no mouse telling it what to do. Using the pen seems to be the only way it works properly. Not a huge problem, but when I'm flipping between the display and the Mac screen, it's a little inconvenient to switch around.

Not a problem if you're good at wrestling computers, but calling this a beginner's tablet is deceptive. There are some other issues I've seen people mention before but, again, nothing too distracting. Because of the extreme angles of the display as it spreads towards the edges, the parallax (that fancy word for the gap between the stylus tip and the cursor's actual place) starts to wander a bit. I don't often get anywhere near the edges anyway, and it's less than an inch of screen all around where the change is noticeable. If you're used to digital drawing, it's not unfamiliar. Hell, if you have a small mouse pad, you already know the unconscious lift and adjust fix. In this case, zoom out if you need more room for a fluid line or drag and recenter.

It's nothing like drawing on paper. However, using a digital display, especially a big one, teaches you how to adjust for that. Using a screenless tablet, I was constantly trying to turn it like paper, which does the exact opposite you think you want it to. There are certain motions in your wrist that make perfect circles more attainable, certain gestures you get used to that will need a different solution. You absolutely can rotate a digital page, especially easy if you set a rotary slide key to do so, but I've found it's better to simply train your digital hand differently, or make use of tools to utilize shape. Learn how to use vector shapes alongside freehand.

If you're a beginner, a new learning curve will usually feel like it's just making things take longer or is more difficult. The tutorials you watch will take ten minutes to show you the ins and outs of what should take a few seconds. And for an advanced user, it actually does go quicker. The things that you must do to accomplish it become auto-tasks but it takes a lot of practice and trial and error.

Artists aren't necessarily bragging when they call a complex looking piece a 'doodle'. Given, some are badly lying about how quick it was done, but a good deal of them have taken months, years, decades to achieve that kind of result. It wasn't just the ten minutes they threw down to do it, but the discipline and practice that connected the quickest routes to the problem.

It used to take me several hours just to color a picture digitally, and I'm talking just the base colors with little shading. Color basing typically never takes more than an hour for a full page piece now. The line drafting, again, generally takes me anywhere from five minutes to an hour, depending on the complexity. Shading and detailing is where artists tend to camp out most; looking at two to twenty hours for most pictures but can easily pile on to hundreds if they choose to keep playing. Customizing tools, filters and textures is another place that can wind on for a long time.

The time crunch is pretty inconsequential to how well it's done. The demands of the problem and the workflow can help, but a deadline can help or hurt the turn-out. I often toggle layers just to experiment, but don't keep them around for the final presentation. Sometimes I just want to try something out without risking the work already done. I'll duplicate shading layers if I'm tempted to overwork them, just because it's hard to come back from a shading experiment gone wrong without starting over. Best to preserve it at certain stages then hide the evidence of overwork elsewhere. Sometimes the difference is just between wanting a soft blend or a darker, starker version. I can switch between the two and decide which I like better.

Of course, there are brave artists who blend it all on one layer like you would with an actual painting. I'm never that brave. I'll keep my alternating blends separate but also flatten out the layers in a duplicate to do the final blend (catching anywhere the overlays do make multiple layers too obvious). Print will inevitably punish any of your glaring mistakes. Obviously, print only has a flat dimension so all digital paintings can't escape that one.

There are always 'better' ways of doing things. There's nothing wrong with being secure in your knowledge while maintaining an openness to learning a way better suited to the task. Beginners often get discouraged because they aren't instant prodigies. Or if they do start out successful, they don't improve because of overconfidence and rigidity in their workflow.

Being open to possible issues is a very important part of enjoying and improving digital painting. You can't just look at the big picture. There are so many steps, so many techniques, so many reasons why it's better to honestly assess what you don't like in order to avoid doing that again and again. I'm not sure why some artists are so shy about mistakes or formative work. Sharing them is a better opportunity to gain insight into taste and technique.

I'm not one for organizing videos but there are already tons out there to display the amount of work that goes into solving and optimizing a visual. Watched a particularly interesting one from a YouTube Channel called Jazza where the guy goes on Fiverr to commission people to draw particular pieces of art based on his quick sketch and it's quite interesting how some artists undersell their talents while others might be a bit overpriced, especially when they exclude certain elements asked for. It gave even me some insight into how important it is to consider the market value of what I produce. What someone pays should advertise what they can expect in the quality of work. Making that too unstable makes it more difficult to justify how much time you'll spend on a project.

Anyhoo, enough digital babbling. More to work on this weekend, both reading and drawing, but crossing my fingers it fuels my urge to write as well.

Practice, Practical, Published

Mental filing... It's a practice that a good deal of writers share. Having or developing certain habits that improve our work, one grueling realization at a time. Stories become tabbed in colors, sorted into scenes, styled for conversation.

Inside of a project, there are plans. It's not exclusive to the plotter; even the pantser tends to form some hopes, goals, remnants of what possibilities may lie ahead. It doesn't matter if you're obsessively planning or abstractly snatching ideas as you go. Unless you just throw shit on paper and hand it off to some poor editor, then everyone has a pretty solid basis for some kind of planning.

Because I keep adopting projects that weren't on my priority list, I've thought about the certain... permissions I've started to allow myself creatively. Before it was all about the Practical and the Published, as per the nifty little header up there. There had to be some consistent work towards something, no matter how little or how I felt about it.

I didn't want to feel aimless again. I fell off of dieting and exercise. It had become an obsession, and a miserable one, and I realized it was just unhealthy in another direction. I've fallen off of so many plans. It's easy to overlook my successes sometimes because of the scars of that shame. A clean bill of health, finishing college, working to supply my dreams--doubt lends to a special sort of amnesia towards our own successes at times. Because any kind of pain can weaken other parts of you, it's too easy to forget that you've proven the opposite and overcome what slows or stops you once more.

But it's the Practice I sometimes lose sight of. Those pieces with no aim other than leisure and enjoyment. Those respite pieces that pull more powerfully. They aren't your practical priority but they become an undeniable mental priority. Earlier today, I sat down to read a book, but every few seconds, I thought about the foil paper I just got in the mail sitting on the nearby table and wondering what it would look like as a border.

You try to ignore those stubborn requests because you have 'better things to do', only there is no damn quality in what you should be doing as long as the little nagging desires find a home. It's the same drive that has us stopping to jot down notes while writing a story; you just know that if you can't satisfy it, you'll just keep tripping on what you're doing to get to it. So I punched out a few borders, gained satisfaction in that knowledge and was able to focus on reading again.

Not every block is a block, of course. Some are just mischievous imps with bubble gum tasks. You toss it a bit of attention and it finds some other soft-bellied punk to tickle.

... Although I have quite a bit of reading to do this weekend (a task I'm more than happy to do for my favorite real-life writer friends), I'm poking at my next nagging drawing desire. I won't give it away, but I'll give you the one word title: Totem. I'm fond of simplistic one-word names for images. I don't want to force too much of the verbal into it, coaxing the viewer to see what I'm after.

Remember the last two pictures I did? The sci-fi warrior girl was titled Emergence and the sad pink forest princess was Gazing. I named them before I was even sure of what they'd be because they were already something before that. If I were to enforce something concrete on them, it might've boxed them in. When you lend a piece an abstract theme, you give it room to grow.

This is also why, whether I plan on finishing a blog, a story, or any creative piece I always give it a working title. It could be tentative or it could tangle in better than I thought. Even after it's finished, I'll be looking for another place for it or another.

But first, I have to give it the honor of being a Practice, a Practical, or a Published priority. That, too, isn't set in stone. It just helps me set the stage.