What Mom Taught Me About Story Telling

My sister and I still joke about it, but despite the affectionate eye-rolling, there's a secret to telling a story that not all writers are aware of.

The secret is repetition.

Wait, that's not all! Do you think I would give it away and you could call it quits, pack up and head home? You don't give away the best part just by stating the very obvious theme!

My mom would often tell the same stories, sometimes twice in a row, but what made you smile and even wait to chime in was the way she recited it as if reading it from a book. The same emphasis, the same excitement, the same words verbatim.

You want the readers or listeners to anticipate what is coming. You want to give them the clues but not saying outright. If you shout to the audience, what color is this apple?

(Red!)

They'll have a passing moment of camaraderie... But no satisfaction. Because any dumbo can state the obvious. When the audience is given clever clues that could be right or wrong, but end up arriving at the most satisfying conclusion, there is a lasting satisfaction that invests you in it, regardless of the outcome.

If the clues lead us to thinking that the protagonist is being hunted by his mother... You don't have to suddenly make those clues a red herring. It could remain that the culprit is the mother. Does the mother kill the protagonist or does the protagonist kill their mother? Or... Does the stalker actually turn out to be the werewolf that ate their mother?

There are plenty of places to land a surprising twist but the attentive audience won't forgive it if it lands too far off the plausible track. Given the mood anyway. If you ask your audience, what color is this apple?

(Harpsichord?)

You'd better hope you meant to write a nonsensical comedy. It's not unpredictability that makes a great story. It's creating a mood, a logical path, a place where they feel the gratification of chiming in. 

So what does a Game of Thrones fan say to death?

(NOT TODAY!)

Which also goes for anti-fans of Mondays.

Though I'd love to roll my eyes at one of my mom's oft repeated stories, I'll never have the privilege again. She's dead. Fortunately, she gave me a few tools, not on writing, but on making someone want to endure a story.

Say it for then people in the back... Repetition.

Maybe the gibberish after that part too.

Birthday Bash

I'm going in straight for the brag: I make delicious food. Humble check: the aesthetic leaves something to be desired. I don't have the same patience with cooking and baking that I do with most creative things. I focus on taste and texture, which is always the most important, but when it comes to presentation, I'm a prison mess hall slinger.

So since today is my dad's birthday (happy birthday, dad!) I... Damn it, I got boxed cake mix. I knew it was a mistake. There is literally nothing worse and something always goes wrong. Baked up, they looked fine, but it's the first time I've done carrot cake and I had no clue that I should've used parchment paper on the bottom of the pan. Needless to say, the first cake broke in half when it was time to get it out of the pan. Rather than give up, I melted the cream cheese icing and poured it over the top like a glaze instead. Realizing the second wouldn't fare better, I left it in the pan and iced it as is. There's irony here. My dad's eaten enough of my mistakes in life, so this one would literally be a piece of cake. If you've seen the frightening plates of mushed burritos and leftovers he eats, my unpretty cakes are hardly competition.

The birthday preparations weren't all bad. I did, after all, manage to wrap his gift without incident and I made a rather nice and sappy card for him. Little picture of a frazzled guy carrying the planet Earth on his back, along with the message "To the Dad/Pa-Pa who carries our world on his back and a bigger place in our hearts!". That's right, Hallmark; hit me up. I've got all the best words. 

So no more damn boxed cakes though. In my determination to plan ahead, I immediately perused pages of recipes until the ingredients and balance sounded like the real deal then printed it out.

Immediately after sitting it down, my cat She-Ra decided that was the only spot in the house worthy of her to lie on. Not only that, but she thoroughly licked herself while lying on it. After she got up, her sister-brother Seven decided it was her-his turn.

Did I tell that story already? Yeah, we thought Seven was possibly a boy cat. Then she went into heat. Yet we still kinda keep calling her a boy. I would say she's genderqueer, but there's never actually been behaviors typical of a male or female cat outside of mating. All cats are queer as fuck. That's why I love 'em.

So, that's about the start of my day. The little mini-dragons woke me up at 6AM because I forgot to close my door last night. Waking up to my cats attacking the shit out of a cardboard box full of plastic bags is not my favorite way to start the day, but at least I got the birthday prep done. I'll probably go back to sleep for a few hours then figure out the rest of the day. I did start the drafting lines for Totem last night, but I've a lot of reading on my plates too. Play this one by ear...

Love, peace and chicken grease...

Am Reading Or Some Shit

While I don't write much about what I'm actually reading about, it's about time I do that. 

I'm holding my breath, waiting for The Witcher to come out on Netflix this year.

For those who don't know anything, this was originally a book series written by Andrzej Sapkowski, a Polish author in the early 90s. Despite this author's disdain for video games, it's the Witcher games that skyrocketed his recognition at all. I've mentioned in the past that he took a lump sum agreement rather than contract any royalties. So he made a whole lot less in selling permission than he could have if he had any foresight of how amazing the games would be. Honestly, serves him right, but nonetheless, I'm enjoying currently reading the translations of his books.

I didn't know shit about Witcher until I bought the third game for PS4. GOTY (game of the year) edition too, all beefy with the expansions (which are even better than the core game, but I've already written that review so I won't rehash it). It's dark, it's emotional, it's everything that made me burn to write fantasy myself. It takes old themes and breathes new life into them. Mythical monsters, the gritty realities of human life, the tortured main character who feels like an impostor of humanity meanwhile displaying it more often than most, through his grey veil of morality. He lives by a code, which he claims is the code of all witchers but is more a personal set of rules that we see both the wisdom and folly in.

But the stars that shine brightest in this loner's path are the women who pass through his life. Not the endless stream of prostitutes he patronizes (though these are never insignificant women either) but the little girl he is destined to protect and the terrifying sorceresses who reveal his heart. How efficiently they puncture and expose it yet never make that heart seem weak or unguarded. I am drawn most to this series because it appeals to what I aim for; an unbiased and unforced look at what moves living being and the world around them. It is not just sentient beings that shape a world. From the sudden burst of kingdoms at war to the last twitch of a dying insect, each detail is not insignificant or wasted. This isn't idle, self-congratulating prose. It's an organism in and of itself.

What captivated me most about the games is that you were given moral choices. There are hard consequences for making an essentially good or bad decision... And consequences for walking away. In one of my favorite storylines, you are given the choice to release a demon who tugs at your heartstrings with its take of being trapped inside a tree pulsing with pain for centuries. The reward seems satisfying... But if you choose this, the demon possesses a horse, which sets off a startling chain of events that leads to a prominent man losing his wife to their dead demonic stillborn child and hanging himself. Meanwhile, if you coldly destroy the demon, this man lives, as does his wife. His living child, him and his wife all surviving means a chain of far more rewarding events. You start to learn that Geralt's apparent coldness, playing him more as the code-bound monster from the books, actually exhibits his wisdom and greater good far more in the long run. While it doesn't endear him to most people, you start to see that the few who do trust his judgement tend to live longer and be more beneficial.

Like the Mary Shelley Frankenstein book, the lines between monster and man cannot be assumed. No one sees Geralt as more of a monster than himself, a fact which annoys those who know him. While his plans and actions aren't without flaw, they do not trust him lightly. Despite his refusal to see himself as more than a mutant, he doesn't distrust or reject his inner circle in any other way. He instantly passes off the reins to someone better suited to solve a problem, ready to step in when it is time.

What appeals most is how much he reminds me of one of my own characters. Oddly, a white haired assassin that looks younger than his years. He is unafraid of death, even seems keenly aware of it snapping at his heels. He doesn't stare death in the face or turn to catch a glimpse because he knows the hesitation means he meets death. There is simply a resignation and acceptance that death will walk with him one day. He will hasten it nor avoid it. He is no stranger to fear, but death, next to all of the evils in life, is just a last breath in the wind.

It's not exactly original. It's something many of us ponder and it's a resolution that many fantasy writers come to. Yet, well done, it has quite the impact on our most visceral fears and hopes.

If you've made it this far, then I hope I've inspired you to look more closely at this series too.

The details I know so far is that the Netflix series is coming sometime this year. It launches eight episodes for the first season and will see more if it's as popular as it's projected to be. I hope to all hell it is that and more. I was pretty psyched to hear Henry Cavill is playing Geralt. I've seen him act in many things and he's certainly got the unwavering eyes and strong masculine features Geralt is always accused of. The series is very adult and sexually charged and Cavill isn't afraid to get naked. I hope that we can see more series that steer away the prudish taboos that oddly plague fantasy purists. Deep and sexy aren't mutually exclusive.

So I'm more than ready to see it in live action. The books are entertaining, the games are absolutely stunning (the facial animation in Witcher 3 is some of the most expressive and engaging) but I can't wait to see where The Witcher show will meet between the books and games.

And fuck, Andrzej; hopefully, you bargained more wisely this time around. That writer's ego will take the piss out of you if you get too cocksure.

FINISH IT

Admit it; you can't see that in caps and not mentally hear Shang Tsung growling that... Unless you're too young, too lame, or too oblivious.

Double-posting to say things happened. I both wrapped up my business card design and managed to stop poking at the pink princess. She's not exactly *done*; didn't do any deep shadowing or highlighting or pull in atmospheric light onto her from the background, but I got it to where I was satisfied enough to move on. She's warmed up quite a few stubborn tasks in the past two weeks, but I feel like she's done her job. 

Oh, here...

I promised to share, after all!

I might come back to her in the future, but I feel like an 'imperfect picture' is one that assures there is always something I could do. I could see more sparkle, more jewels and jewelry, more texture if I come back too. Part of what I love about plainer pictures is their ability to stoke my imagination. To see what else could come of it.

But I'm also jumping on inspiration trains. I'd love to depart from the sci-fi warrior and this trembling princess to a leather and fur clad battlemage. Who knows? Maybe I'll gender-swap those three and do the 'masculine'. Keeping in mind that masculine and feminine have never had exact boundaries for me, but it sounds better than 'the penis-having version'.

Don't be obsessed with finishing everything, thinking it's not worthwhile if it can't impress everyone. Doing your best doesn't mean tucking away anything short of perfect. It can be miserable, hiding away everything for fear of how others respond. I want people to have a taste of my inner world, even if I can't give them the full picture. I'd love to, but the effort to realize it all myself would leave precious little shared, precious little room to ever live the sort of life to keep inspiring those efforts.

Share, share, and don't be a growly shit. Finish it as far as you mean it to go and keep on your crazy path.

Rainy Day Insanity

I'd like to say I've worked on digital drawing.

I'd like to say I've written something worthwhile.

I woke up at 8:30, adhering to my new resolution that sleeping in bites ass and I need a schedule of some sort. Despite noon still being early in the day, waking up at noon usually means my brain saying 'aw, fuck it. Day's half over so let's do nothing.' 

Instead, I made coffee and baked cookies. My grandma's recipe for M&M cookies. I looked on the big package of M&Ms I bought and there was also an M&M cookie recipe. I compared the very similar ingredients and scoffed at the different amounts. 3/4 cup of brown sugar? Pfft, amateurs. Nothing short of a cup! 

My cats are shit helpers in the kitchen. After tripping over them a few times, starting to count how many times I tripped over cats then losing count altogether, I took to scooting across the floor and wading through the sea of cats. Two. I have two but I also have two feet and each was clearly assigned to one of them at all times. After making most of the cookies, I end up with not enough dough to fill one last tray so I turned down the heat, made one massive cookie of the rest and decided my nephews could make breakfast out of it.

Made my way upstairs where I went back to punching out borders for my business cards. Fucking sparkle paper everywhere, but I got through the whole stack. I looked at my floor, horrified by the disparity between my ugly ass brown carpet and the pixie-esque paper freckles and dove for the vacuum cleaner.

Once I was sure I was rid of them, I browsed through my Amazon wish list and added some glue dots and roll-on adhesive to the cart. I'll need those to affix these damned borders to the cards, along with the trinket bags. Might have to order printed bookmarks though. Although I like the tassel selection, I rue both the cost of ink and the size selection. 2 1\2" across which just seems about an inch broader than I'd like. Looking to go about 1.5 by 5.5 or 6 on those. The smaller books people buy are about 6 inches in height so exceeding that is inconvenient. Besides, I'd like them coated after printing, both to preserve the print and make them stand up to accidental water or coffee damage.

I've had some people wonder about the borders. I'm not hording the idea like some trade secret so I'll disclose what that's about. I ordered some fairly cheap small origami paper, about 7cm square (though the 7x14 sheets were also good--these are going on the short edge of the card so I don't need a lot of excess). You can pick up a 50 sheet pack for $1 if you're thrifty.  I also ordered a border punch from Walmart, this one a rather simple flower or crown sort of vibe. That went for about $13-14. I have to line up and punch twice to get across the 7cm, so I'd say the actual border punch length is about an inch and a half, give or take a few millimeters. (Don't hate; I use standard and metric like a bastard queen.) On a 7x7 piece I can get about four rows. I stack about two or three of the sheets together at a time. The border punch is pretty sturdy but it doesn't go through heavy cardstock and anything more than three thin sheets is both hell on your hand and risking breaking it. Once the cards are printed, I'll run roll-on glue along the bottom of the border and attach it to the back of the card.

Again, I'll get pictures of that once put together. Feel free to steal my lovely ideas. I doubt I'm the only one to come up with them, but I embrace being extra (and don't really think many people would care to put in the extra work anyway).

I'll keep regular business cards out on my table, but reserve the extras for people who buy something or just talk to me for a bit. I'm not looking to bark at people and make them endure my enthusiasm. Like in real life, I tend to draw people in by my easy-going nature and reserve the enthusiasm for those who engage my interests. At a convention, there are hundreds of other vendors and hawkers wearing people down. I'd rather be people's respite and meet them where they're comfortable.

It's nearly 1:30 as I write this and, as you can tell from the shift to active insanity to informational babbling, my brain is threatening to declare this time 'noon' and squandering the rest of my perfectly productive rainy day. I might not be able to seal my windows just yet, but I might scoot my lazy ass over to my computer and work on my sad pink princess picture for a bit.  If I hadn't worked yesterday I might have done more then. Not that she's going anywhere or serving any purpose. Just a vanity project, which is what I call anything that isn't boosting some specific goal. Everything is portfolio worthy, to be sure, but she's just my excuse to play on the new displays, get used to them and such.

So! Off to attempt to disabuse myself of bad summer habits and try to make something more of the day. Working tomorrow and Dad's birthday is Friday so those will eat up the better part of the next two days, if only because I'm making my dad his favorite kind of cake, carrot cake with cream cheese icing. I'd like to do it by scratch. The store bought icing isn't bad, but I think it's a little too sugary and not enough cream cheese. A rich cream cheese flavor really makes carrot cake amazing.

Business and Pleasure

While deciding what I want to do about business cards, I remembered the time I ordered sticker sheets to print out my logo for the crochet pieces I sold--under a name I still sometimes use: KitaCraft. So before I go ordering any fancy cards from a printer, I thought I'd give home printing a try for this and order some perforated sheets that work with a template. I know that business cards tend to get gobbled up at conventions so I'm crossing my fingers that it works out.

I've been working on little extras. Bought nice paper to punch borders into to glue to the edges, little bags the size of the business card to put miniatures into: little books, swords, fantasy themed goodies. I'm extra so I like to upgrade a basic idea. It appeals to my craft side. The business cards will say author, illustrator, crafter so I'd like to show as much of that as possible.

The writing part is slightly neglected at the moment, but I've been playing with the new tablets here and there. Using them never gets less enjoyable. They really make digital drawing less of a chore. They come with their own challenges but nothing I wasn't prepared for. Pressure sensitivity and calibration can be a bit less intuitive than traditional but digital brushes can do a lot that traditional can't as well.

Really, I'm spoiled by summer sleeping. I'm tempted to set an alarm in the morning because it's been making me too lazy and my hours less productive as a result. Being without a schedule was great in my teens and twenties. It's just frustrating in my 30s. I actually have come to craving discipline. It's a holiday weekend though, so it makes the most sense to start tomorrow. I have windows to seal, rooms to clean, laundry to do, plans to start fulfilling. Getting the nitty gritty squared away by noon is ideal...

As usual, I'll post my impressions of the home printing experiment, as well as my finished digital drawing projects as they happen. I'm also still working on rounding up pictures for a website. I feel like I'm slacking off but, truly, my so-called organized folders are badly labeled and not as complete as I thought. Really have to do a digital clean-up, get everything making sense again!

My Hiatus From Writing

Although I technically write daily, after a few weeks of none of that being drafting, there's a point where I've honestly accepted that I'm not really working towards those goals at the moment. The admission is scary for some, but it can be a motivational tool; if not, then it's certainly a mark of accountability.

There are reasons, of course. Good ones, even. Still, I consider the reprieve as a yellow area, a warning that will start to darken and haunt me the longer I disregard it. I can certainly be satisfied that the ideas are growing, the scenes find better ways to unravel, but the more I consigned them to notes, the less they'll bloom fresh in the pages of a draft. I already know; it is possible to overplan as much as under.

Even drawing and crocheting has felt segmented from direct purposes. While this isn't the same as burning out--insofar, I've been enjoying these things in small doses still--I can't be too careful. When I love something, or even obsess on it, it is just as shaky as an addiction. We never feel the point where the fun and control plummets into dependence and desperation. It's not creativity that I dip into at all, or the addiction comparatively. Creativity is not the place that is difficult to go; it's the place I'm from. In a way, it's reality that is closer to the addiction. It's the reality of life that makes me breathe shallower and holds me under at times. It gums the gates to home and makes the air itself thick with obstacles, stretching my skin like a canvas along the way.

But I've given myself a yellow flag. The reminder that I've spent too much time anchored away from myself, that the pining that grows cannot be allowed to continue. I have to cut ties, find what is holding me back, be willing to stomach the strange faces that wonder why I'm retreating when nothing seems amiss. Because going home means a place where I don't check messages, I mumble to myself, I don't ever know what day or time it is and I'll screw up my face as I pause to answer questions even about myself. At home, I'm not all here. You'll think I'm upset but it's the exact opposite. My energy just goes to home. It's not this side of me that anyone should worry about. It's the one where I'm smiling too hard, too worried about making sure I'm not worrying you, stressing over the same trivial things that are supposed to be normal.

I'll get through today in a blur. Tomorrow, I'm starting the day doing laundry and baking cookies. The rest of the day, I'm looking for the bread crumbs back home and making a mental note to better mark my way back. I've been away too long.

GoT is Done and I'm Not Disappointed

Yup, spoilers ahead so go ahead and jump ship if you're not wanting the series finale events to be spoiled for you.

First up, you couldn't have been that surprised that Daenerys had to go. As I've mentioned in the last episodic post, and as Jon Snow reaffirmed, she gained too much power with her good deeds, too much caution in not seeming weak, that she crossed the line from benevolent queen to warmonger. She outright declared Grey Worm her Master of War. What she clearly planned wasn't unlike a Holocaust, a widespread cleansing and fear campaign weaseled over with words like liberation. Remember in history when kings used words like divine right and explorers used manifest destiny? 

I don't think Daenerys 'got what she deserved'. It's nothing so easy as that. It was that childlike dreaminess returning as she tried to appeal to Jon Snow that was dangerous, made it most clear that she no longer understood the terrible weight of her actions. It wasn't clear whether she was being naive or manipulative, but what he saw was that she believed in it.

The suspense mounted most for me where Drogon began piecing it together and every possibility danced through my head excitedly. Would he avenge his Mother's murder? Would he bow to Jon? When he, in wise dragon fashion, turned on the Throne and melted it, I remembered the profound moment where Khal Drogo 'crowned' Viserys, ending the terrible dreams of a tyrant, and was never more sure that Drogon both knew her fate was coming and that this creature was more like Varys, never more sure that the fate of men had to be severed from the Iron Throne. Drogon represented the deeper wishes of the Realm and even of his Mother, who was blindsided by her good intentions and twisted promises of destiny. 

Though Samwise's idea of democracy was ridiculed, the Imp came through once more and more sneakily proposed much the same thing. The nobility might not have been ready to openly concede to the people, but he took a more civilized page from the Islanders, proposing a sort of Kingsmoot, where the Houses gathered upon the death of a chosen King to convey the wishes of their people.

The Stark kids each took on a position of royalty. Bran took the South, Sansa took the North and though Jon Snow was consigned to the "Night's Watch" (which if you were paying attention, actually positioned him as more of a King Beyond the Wall), and Arya took on the tongue in cheek position of finding what lay beyond that gaping hole on the map 'west of Westeros'. While not exactly royalty, she is all that her aunt might have been, wild and free, leading others and bound to none.

I think the book fans stomp their feet too hard in discrediting the writers' hasty resolution. Personally, I might have hated the slag of more seasons of catty comeuppance and the element of surprise where this story could go was running its course. That they are accused of taking GRRM's Rubix Cube and painting the sides to close up the intricate plots is completely overstated. The writing itself was starting to show that the more he tried to tie anything up and get to the damn point, the more his mind just wanted to make two knots of every one. The frequency of his book releases suggests he's not exactly eager to keep writing them either. Honestly, I'm not counting on him ever finishing them. Hell, he even released that tedious history of the Targaryen's book. He's not really interested in trying to tie things up. Like Tolkien, he just like the playground.

The show did well enough to snap the lid closed but still leave some room for decent spin-offs that can specifically focus more keenly on certain characters or aspects, but still drives a point I've suspected since early on. 

I'll say it again, just as the show had hinted when Cersei asserted that she is Queen and was met with the ever-prevalent quote that permeates fantasy; one who has real power needs never assert it. The minute they feel the need to assert it, they are only admitting their fear of that lie. Just as Varys stoically posited that the will of the Realm was not something any one man would ever grasp. It was never a game to be won. It was a game to be played out. Like every unfinished game of Monopoly I ever played, you play until you get sick of, then you move on to something better.

What disappointed the bulk of fans was that their wash-rinse-repeat wasn't there. The big battles were not strategic enough. Characters acted out of character (which I've also argued before is plausible in the face of traumatic events that they have no gauge for). Characters were killed off, along with whatever beloved theories they held onto for them. Some just wanted another tyrant on the throne. Or some other grimdark wanking fantasy.

As far as I've looked at it, it didn't actually feel that rushed to me. Sure, there were some parts you could pick at, like the rather sudden way the Night King's army came upon them. Yet I appreciated that there wasn't the same tedious and methodical pacing here. It held more of the fuckery and confusion and mistakes inherent with everything I've read on war. I've certainly tired of the all too perfect strategizing that is mostly just boring, drawn out and forgetting that warriors aren't perfect little chess pieces. They piss and shit themselves and cry for their mothers, the brave can turn tail and the weak detach and become bad ass.

It was a good way to go. This is one of the few shows I've been able to keep watching. It never went stale for me. The claims of being too abrupt were too emotionally attached to people's investment in the perpetual longevity of the source material. It ended true to its original namesake: in fire and ice. Neither sappy with hope nor wretched with despair. That, to me, gives it room to still feel like an organic experience rather than a story ended.

I'm crossing my fingers for the proposed Dark Tower series. Yet another one that blows hot and cold with fans. I'd like to see the characters stay true to the source, but I won't be disappointed if they alter or add to it a bit to arrive there. And it could use a better ending.

King, I love your story-telling, but your endings are absolute shit most of the time. And I don't just mean in the plotting sense or even emotional, I mean they seem like they were done by an internal troll who hates stories. I swear he took every method of writing a good ending and thought it was edgy to not do any of that. Or maybe he resents novels, because his short stories don't suffer the same issue.

Even though the Dark Tower movie tanked, I found that the remake of IT was actually pretty damn good. That's another hit or miss of his. It's become somewhat of King's thing to be a bucking horse. Unlike creators like Tim Burton or Danny Elfman who tend to shit gold by sticking to their strengths, I can't hate King for rocking a leaky canoe. If I had a cruise ship sailing alongside, I'd make waves too. Better than beating the dead horse of insisting everyone simply mastering one thing. Diversity is the thing that keeps a creator prolific. Less burn out, more turn out.

Fuck, it's time for me to cut this loose. It stopped being about the topic several paragraphs ago.

GoT--I'm cool with the ending. Peace!

Hot Weather on Blast and Video Game Glitch Fun

Temps rose up to the high 80s at the end of this week, making me (and my cats, to some degree) puddles of unproductivity. One thing I've always done since I started acquiring technology is to always operate them at optimal temperatures. Even if I were a little lax there, the heat that processors put off are enough of an incentive to give them a rest. The only saving grace being that I had the foresight to buy and install heat repelling window film on a cool morning before the heat wave started, so my sanctuary stayed at an uncomfortable high 80 range instead of the unbearable 100+ range that it normally cooks to under the punishing summer sun.

Unfortunately, it made for an irritable, restless weekend nonetheless and I ended up sprawled out and soggy, a whole limp box of greasy French fries instead of my usual grinning cheeseburger self. Even simple cleaning tasks like putting away laundry or organizing felt more like a five mile run and the sweat poured faster than I could rehydrate. Threw me off bad enough that my hormone levels went wonky and the irritability made me avoid human interaction more than usual. You know yourself long enough and you feel that set in your shoulders and prickle in your spine that lets you know that while you're not looking for a fight, you'll invent one, finish it, and likely carry it on a bit longer.

I did at least keep busy, attempt to meet basic needs, letting sheer exhaustion make sleeping possible. Again, knowing myself, sleep is usually impossible without cool air, curling up on my side, and a blanket with one foot sticking out, but exhaustion is the great equalizer. So I passed out in the heat, sprawled out on my back, no blankets.

In the meantime, I'd gone to a favorite mindless activity of mine: YouTube videos for themed video game glitches. Horrifying, funny, and just plain weird, there's something instant and visceral about placing yourself in a fantasy, immersing it as reality, then watching it defy logic. Sometimes, the pixel garbage gives me that horrifying twinge of wrongness that is hard to keep watching (that glitch in Skyrim where the assets don't load quite right when you walk through that wall in Windhelm) but some just fill me with a sense of wonder or scratch the surface with humor. Some are incorrectly named, being more exploitative or Easter egg by nature, but it's one of the reasons I love the Share feature of PS4. Though I don't actually share my own experiences on YouTube, I like having a personal library of glitches to trim and enjoy for myself.

I still wish that feature had been on the PS3 when I'd warped to Arkngtham ruins and turned to see Shadowmere had materialized over a tent where she was stuck bouncing upside down. Never been able to repeat that one or find any videos where it happened to someone else. Damn it... Though I hate to think of how many hours I might have wasted cackling over an upside down bouncing horse.

So while I wish I could do more creative work (as always the urge stronger for the difficulty of actually being able to), I'm at least keeping my brain and body plugging along. Luckily, my tablets are better equipped to handle this sort of weather, without adding to the heat. I can still type out some notes. Unfortunately, Google Docs on a tablet is glitchy as hell or I'd do some editing projects, but we've got a couple cool days coming up to squeeze that in. My AC unit was torn up when the tree outside of my window at the time had beaten it up, but my dad is installing a new one this week so it's not an issue that will put me off my game for long. As I've said, the window film makes a huge difference too.

In any case (preemptive pun intended), I purchased a sleeve case for my XP-Pen Artist12 display so I can keep it on my laptop table without these razor clawed cats damaging the screen.

I'm scattering a bit because I really want to watch more glitches... It's my visual crack when I need to take my mind to some interesting places. 

Catch ya later!

Strong Women in Fiction

I'm probably going to beat a few dead horses here, but I feel like I need to repeat an oft forgotten sentiment that I'm rather staunchly standing by.

Strong women, by the standards of what makes men strong, are not that strong.

Often, we see authors trying to remove 'weakness'. Keep her away from the kitchen. Remove any sense of shame, kindness, submissiveness, or display of excessive emotion. If she's fat, she can't dislike her body. If she's muscular, she can take on any man in battle. If she's skinny, she's faster but God forbid she's ever manipulative or seductive or uses her looks. She's never illiterate and she never uses drugs. She can drink anyone under the table but she's not an alcoholic. She doesn't have kids, but if she does, she's not a nurturer. Tough love only. She can use sex to get her way, but is never used herself. She can't have been raped or otherwise traumatized because that would make her a damaged prop, a cheap piece of plot, rather than a fully-realized character.

See where I'm going? Contradictions abound as the list goes, somehow making a 'strong' woman into no woman who can ever relate to her. In trying to steer clear of the Stepford wife, we're left with another Barbie, more plastic than G.I. Joe. We're suddenly making the broken women who build their own lives up again, not giving the supposedly submissive-seeming character the room to reveal that she has the agency to wear a mask to build up her empire. The 'weak' woman is dismissed as flat before her layers are shown. She is no longer allowed to be mysterious because her perceived weakness will be consigned to satisfying the male gaze, to being nothing more than a punching bag, to not having her own mind or dreams.

Time and again, you see the nervous writer asking how to write a woman and you get the floods of defensive women looking to cut them down as sexist or misogynistic or shallow if the woman isn't some ideal that removes an feminine trait they consider weak. And I didn't gender the writer because, yes, they will even presume to infantilize a woman who isn't sure how to write female's of a certain level of socialized femininity. Maybe she was raised around men and just has no idea how women socialize or never uses make-up but her character does. The problem with their advice is that their increasing departure from socialized femininity begins to villainize any women who personify that role, as if to invalidate them as real women.

The trend is even to protect trans-women, gay women, women of color. Anything but the feminine aspect. In fact, the idea that we can't even define the feminine or masculine aspects because they might cause offense are what really end up causing the confusion. So instead, anyone who finds comfort in gendered roles becomes part of the problem and....

Ugggghhhh, no more. Really. 

People will continue battling this out, but as a writer, at some point I learned to just write. To look for the logic in a character's build and see if their actions, reactions and personality are plausible for themselves. To remember that I am misunderstood, that I am perceived as both weak and strong, that my stories will always display vulnerabilities and impassable walls, that those walls will crumble and when people feel safest with me, they'll sometimes hit invisible walls that confuse them as well.

If you want a strong woman, look at a characteristically weak one and ask what she might be protecting, what might be motivating her, what she is waiting for. Don't be so quick to dismiss her as weak or a victim. It's not always her failing that makes you uncomfortable but yours. Give her time to seem shallow, give her some time to be annoying and mysterious and able to change.

A strong character will not say all the right things, know all the right people, be confident in every room. They will also not be endearing in all their faults, be the pariah surrounded by peons, and suffer greatly just to prove a point. If they are any of those things, there's an organic way to get there without punching your reader in the face.

If your character is constantly signalling that they are kind but are actually stone cold assholes, then tell narration should at least be aware, making it comedic, creepy, or ironic. Otherwise, the reader just thinks you're ignorant of any device to drive the disparity.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, just be aware. At every stage of their actions, you as the writer should know what history or fears or delusion drives it. That is what keeps them from being flat. Don't try to be safe. Strive to deliver honesty at every dimension and you'll be all right. If you don't trust what you know of people, observe (but don't stalk) people who fit the bill. Don't always worry about being right. Sometimes the story is about your perspective or how others react to them in general. If you have a specific trait in mind, ask someone who has it rather than general forums that will confuse it with assumptions of their ideal.

Oh yeah, and have fun. Exercise your own strengths and enjoy the process.

Nerd Talk: How the Westeros Was Won

Game of Thrones spoilers ahead... If you aren't caught up, here's your warning. If you are, proceed! If you don't care to, you might actually find something worthwhile in my babbling anyway.

Daenerys Stormborn basically just mowed King's Landing into ash. Lots of main characters were cut down, lots of innocents to boot, and we only know for sure that Arya got out in one piece, but clearly in a state of disbelief over carnage even she wasn't prepared for.

Taking down Euron Greyjoy's Iron Fleet was gratifying. Daenerys lost another of her dragons in the last episode and it felt like justice. It's when the Golden Company surrenders and the camera goes to Daenerys's face twitching with cold hatred and that coin-flip Targaryen madness followed by Jon Snow's oh-shit face do we realize we have a Mad Queen on our hands. Amid the pointless carnage and montage of final showdowns, a lot of Daenerys fans jumped ship. At first, I thought the worst of it too but there was one thing I've been certain of while watching this show.

Like in actual human history, monarchies have to fall, in bloody rebellion, for new governments to take place. While we can't say for certain whether this was plain-old Targaryen madness or a sudden revelation that the Iron Throne would never be hers, the choice to completely destroy it was, inevitably for the greater good.

I wouldn't say I condone genocide as a solution in the real world, but facing overpopulation, oppressive governments, the rise of theological laws trumping human rights, and irreversible damage to the planet caused by human fuckery, I'm also not entirely unsympathetic to the extremes caused by dystopian desperation. However, it's the 'good intentions' of human ego that often lead to tyranny, genocide and villains who think themselves heroic.

Didn't we see this same theme with Thanos, where he went from just being the big bad guy to a misguided being with a savior-complex? There are always layers that create these moral grey areas. Genocide, wrong, but human neglect and rampant apathy, also wrong. It often takes centuries, all the while those benefitting become blind to the dirty truths of their golden empires, only to stand in shock when the desperation topples them into dust.

I couldn't be surprised that Daenerys went the route she did. She journeyed from an innocent girl who was promised a kingdom by her twisted brother to needing to wallow through the horrors of reality to get there. All the while, she tried countless times to do the right thing, to be a merciful queen. Yet it always made the oppressors stronger with that perceived weakness and time and time again, she had to secure her power through being the monsters she sought to remove. It isolated her from those closest to her, made them fear her--all but a few who truly cared. They never questioned her because it showed a lack of loyalty but even they started to show in their eyes alone a lack of faith.

Losing Missandei, the one who always looked her in the eye and stayed true, was an incomparable loss. Even Grey Worm/Torgo Nudho, while still unfailingly held her command, stopped meeting here eyes. Jon Snow's doubts were plain as day. In the scene prior to marching against the Red Keep, she asks him if he sees her as more than queen and we see without him speaking that his love for her has cooled. 

So while we could assume that she is a jilted woman, isolated and aware that the Throne could still become Jon Snow's despite his refusal to take it, the role of Queen, no, as rightful heir of the Seven Kingdoms (removing gender as a factor altogether), it is more plausible than even inherited incestual madness is less likely than her resolve to destroy the Throne altogether. It is useless to her in securing the people's faith and loyalty. If she cannot claim her birthright through civilized means, she will acquire it through fear, even knowing fear had brought the people down on her father's rule to begin with.

But he didn't have dragons. Well, dragon. Even though fan theories project Drogon might have laid more eggs when he went missing for some time.

While the tagline intimates that the Game of Thrones means you win or you die, the underlying theme makes that a bit of braggadocio, always whispering through the faceless god and the old Valyrian saying that 'all men must die', overshadowing the idea that nobody really wins at all. And no, 'all men must die' isn't some cheeky feminist hint that women are excluded, anymore than mankind actually excludes women.

No one is meant to win this. With the toppling of all major tyrants leaves most of the brilliant minds gone and the survivors not the fittest among us to pick up the pieces. We lose the glory of those times, and often the knowledge of our advancement. We lose the luxuries that allow for the facilities to advance and simply revert to survival.

A little aside here, but this is also why the Ancient Aliens show is absurd to me. The idea that the only explanation for early humans to advance as they did was for extraterrestrial influence to occur is pretty discrediting to our actual potential. While its true that someone had to observe, eat and smoke the plants to discover their properties, create language, etc. we weren't just poop-throwing monkeys, the oddly grunting caveman, and nothing but drooling morons until our modern incarnation. Even the monkeys we descended from (and projected our brain evolution came from through the Stoned Ape Theory) were rather clever creatures from the onset. The capability for wondrous brilliance of thought and utter stupidity were always a gambit. It's also very possible that many processes were not recorded, only built at the zenith of our ancestors' civilizations before greed once more tore them down before the process could be repeated or passed into general knowledge. While even today our most successful humans could hand you a roadmap of exactly what they did to succeed, the repetition  of great achievements often fails without exact conditions that are lost as being inconsequential at the time.

So, as related to the original topic, our very natures guarantee that our own egos prevent good from coming of progress. Conservatives seek to protect dying structures and those obsessed with change are willing to build with bad materials rather than risk not being able to build at all. What remains is a foundation of tears and blood. 

Daenerys must know that there is no way to win. She never comes off as being too stupid to have realized the futility. It's also true that she is a human, subject to whims, emotion, and ego. Though she also believes that nothing could stand against her dragon and beat her, it is also likely that she will be taken down by something as gentle as a whisper. 

Yet through her tyranny, both terrible lessons and even altruistic retrospection exists. Begrudgingly, she is both wrong and right and neither matters. The game is forever changed. Though thrones may not be restored, powerful humans will sit in chairs again and play with lives once more.

It's the real world parallels that make this fantasy a ripe place for comparisons. Of course Westeros isn't Earth but fiction lovers don't fail to see where our mistakes and imagination create a playground so visceral and breathtaking. While the books are a hard read, the show is truly a team effort of epic proportions. The music alone is award worthy, but the actors are no less perfect for their roles. The opening animation itself is rightfully praised as being the only intro it's hard to skip through, no matter how many times you watch it. While I'm not out to convert anyone to watch it nor shove my morally grey and idealistic views of human progress in anyone's face, I hope you were at least inspired to explore deeper than a first impression of anything.

Our very strong gut reactions are often less gratifying than the long game. It's worth reflecting on the true nature of people and world problems, especially through the distraction of fiction.

Help Them to Help You

Creative sorts often blog about the many ways to rescue yourself from a creative block, but a great deal of them are hyper-focused on self-care and even a bit too much faking your way through it.

Don't get me wrong--those things do help, but sometimes you exhaust the list, constantly overlooking a really precious experience.

Be a mentor.

I'm not talking about going on group forums and giving sometimes insincere pep talks to everyone brave enough to post their work. Crowd boosting feeds you only the general energy of a crowd, which in turn, actually isolates you from the benefits of real problem solving and learning through a genuine meeting of minds. Pick a passion project. This means to find one person's work who screams at you, no matter how rough, and pursue working with them. No strings attached, no swaps, no fees, no using them to boost or talk about your own work.

It takes serious discipline, to reach out and offer your own expertise without seeking a possible client or fan. You don't have to give it anymore than you're willing to, but make good on whatever you tell them you'd like to help with. Give a brief intro of your experience if you like, but focus on giving them real feedback. Personalized feedback is going to endear them to the idea of sharing, but giving them a piece of your intentions and integrity is a responsibility you can't give lightly. If you agree to take on work outside of what drew you in, don't get squeamish there. Bluntly tell them that that work doesn't interest you, but still commit to telling them why. Even if it's just as simple as not liking the genre or not connecting with the characters, offer something specific, but encourage them to keep offering samples because of that initial connection still keeps you interested.

Remember to set boundaries if they push huge tasks on you that you don't have time for. It often helps to commit to reading only short stories or first chapters. Ask questions that show you've made the effort to pay attention. The more honest you are about how interested you really are, the less you'll corner yourself into reading more work that doesn't grab you, to the point you'll regret and even resent the work and possibly ruin a valuable relationship.

Remember, if you run into the opportunity to genuinely like someone's work when you're hitting blocks with your own, be sure to tell them that their work may inspire you in your own and you may become unavailable. All the same, be prepared to wrap up your obligation to them. They may even happily tell you to postpone it, simply flattered they've given you that spark and send you off to patiently await your availability again.

I've very gladly taken on many beta reading projects without an expected return and I've spoken about this before, but when you take out money or deadlines or expectation, you truly open yourself and your work to amazing new opportunities for personal growth. When asked why I don't charge for it, it's a no-brainer for me: as a professional, I would be paid for work someone wants me to do, but it is not entirely selfless when it's the other way around. I am asking for the privilege to pursue work I enjoy, work that I believe can help me become better at what I do. Through selected experience, I am able to later charge others more.

This isn't the same as working for exposure. As I've said, my offer is extended in the honesty that I am offering only the time I am willing in such a way that doesn't disrupt my own work. I am not looking for a résumé entry, although you can bet your ass that if one of my selected projects gains notable success, I'm attaching my own contribution to it. 

Leading from there, this also why I contribute my expertise to sites like Quora. Even though the platform is crowded with absurdly vague questions, I like to select the ones where I can establish some real solutions. Livelihood is about contribution, not just for myself, but for the benefit of others... And then feeding it back to myself again. I do expect my efforts to come back for my benefit, just not in the exact way some might expect them to.

As always, my choices are about growth and change and when something isn't working, the problem is often with the way I'm approaching it. Am I holding myself back by not proving to be more mentally flexible to the problem? If so, it's time to use my skills to broaden my horizons, acquire new skills or start a new professional relationship.

Since marketing is a weakness, I knew one of those relationships would need to involve that. In return, I offered my own skill set and found a beneficial trade there. 

These things don't exactly fall into your lap just because you want them. Often, months or years have gone by before that opportunity comes along. You can't spend the time in-between anxious, wistful and desperate. Just like it's near impossible to attract a romantic relationship by wallowing in self-pity rather than bettering yourself, you can't expect people to want to work with you when you haven't shown what you are actually doing. My books have been out for a couple of years now and the sales are low and I have no reviews. Rather than letting that get me down, I acknowledged early on that the work had to keep building. More books, more stories, more drawings, more planning. I've had to start investing in new technology and what I'll need to successfully run a convention or trade show booth.

Ahem. So. Essentially, what you sometimes need is a passion project that isn't your own work. Some writers really get mired in their own ego, afraid that liking someone's work more than their own will cripple them. So stop being afraid and lose some ego. Get lost in a new story and remind yourself why you turned to writing. You still get to use some of your expertise and even some degree of empathy, knowing that you're actively working with the author who cares about the work. It's passive yet interactive and a truly wonderful experience in most cases.

This may not be the same for you, but the benefit of using a group to find these projects is that I look at how they are responding to criticism of their work. If they are getting too defensive, wounded or hostile, I back away whether I like it or not. It's important to find some compatibility when it comes to exchanging honesty. If I spot someone who writes well, is interesting AND handles themselves diplomatically, I'm in. I can handle young and inexperienced writers, but diplomacy is very important to inspiring the process that can help both of us.

So don't overlook an often untapped fount for inspiration. The prospect of working with people who I truly believe have a shot at success is thrilling. I'm not looking to hitch my success to that, just to improve the quality and passion of my own.

But I'm gonna brag on them every chance I get, with every milestone they achieve. Isn't it always a bit more gratifying when your favorite garage band becomes an international sensation? Being that day one believer is always a bragging right!

Work, Work, Work, Work, Work

It's my favorite kind of weather and I woke up tempted to go back to bed. The only way to get the energy going was to bend to the joyless task of housework. Not just the normal fare like vacuuming, dusting and wiping. No, I went whole hog and bleached the kitchen garbage can, scraped my windows (I'm installing some of those heat-reducing films later this week), and covering evidence of where my adorable little hell-cats managed to scrape paint off of the wall.

It worked. So I worked.

Finished up the business card image:

Done with my XP-Pen Artist 22E Pro

Playing with the design for it, but not yet done with that. I spent the better part of today just cleaning this image up and hadn't set up a business card template beforehand so I just took care of that part.

I may do more tonight, if not, tomorrow is going to be another gorgeous day to do it!

Stupid Human Tricks

Unfortunately, this isn't about the gimmicky stunts that people pull for video entertainment. This involves a collision outside of my house last week that is one headache after another...

Two young girls (with a male special-needs passenger in the back that I didn't see) slammed into my dad's car that was parked in front of our house, hard enough that it pushed the car a few feet and slammed into his other car behind it. At the moment of impact, I was looking out the window at it and immediately yelled to my dad the license plate number in case they tried to flee. The car they were in was clearly totaled in the front where it hit the driver's side front of my dad's car. I saw the girls get out as my dad and sister went out there.

Now, first off, the girl in the passenger seat said that she was driving; likely because she disclosed that the car was in her dad's name, although she said she only had driving privileges but no license. So it was already fishy from the first. That girl got into the car and promised she wasn't leaving, dropping off her male passenger at the house up the street then driving back down.

The neighbors were out, discussing what they saw or heard and pictures were taken, including the skid mark on the street caused by their car. She said that her brakes locked up but when her father had come and tested the car, they were working fine. I'm no expert but the skid prior to the crash seems to indicate that the brake was applied, and the angle itself shows both speed and a turn that never would have made it anywhere near our driveway to turn there.

Their insurance company, All State, sent a young representative this week that not only claimed that the girl was backing out of the neighbor's driveway (to try to explain the skid angle) but that she was only going 10 mph, which never would have pushed the car, nor explained the heavy damage to her car's front end, nor the crush and angle of the push. As I said, I saw the moment of impact and it was clearly a front end collision and a loud one at that. She had to be going at least 40 mph.

So, because of the layers of bull piled onto this one, my dad will have to go to court to contest the claim for only 'minor damage'. The inspection doesn't even mention the severe damage to the frame or the fact that the passenger side window was jarred so that the automatic window no longer works. He'll also have to obtain the original police reports and likely inconvenience our neighbors because of these people's dishonesty.

I try not to parrot the cynical statement that people suck, but in this case, it's applicable. That people have no qualms about lying or changing their story to avoid blame is sickening. That they believe that people can't or won't pursue a case so they can get off scot-free is nothing short of deplorable. The justice system is too often placing the burdens on the innocent rather than placing the suspicion with the victims. I'd expect as much from insurance companies but the way the girl kept changing her story and honestly didn't have the decency to look upset or sorry; that is what bothers me most.

This is the direction of a country my nephews will grow up in. This is the loss of honor and accountability that they have to defend themselves against. I hope that justice will prevail here, but let's be honest; can we really be so optimistic in a world where it's more common for people to lose all sense of decency to protect their own too-fragile egos?

I have friends who are cops. I work around lawyers and cops and judges sometimes. I don't think the employees of the justice system are all corrupt or useless. That needs to be said. These people have to deal with this crap all the time and I commend the ones who are still noble and true public servants. Hopefully, they will be able to help my dad's case as well. I want to be able to say that the justice system can make up for the sheer number of garbage people trying to abuse it.

Mother's Day

It could have been a harder day. I've endured a few of these without my mother, that turbulent relationship, a woman who was the high-definition two-way mirror and an impassable brick wall nonetheless. The first was still too soon after losing her to feel the brunt of it. I'd lost my grandma two months before her and I stood in shock of being suddenly matronless.

Not that my grandmother or mother passing meant any privilege was passed. I came to terms with it long ago, that I was family only at arm's length. There would be no inheritance and no acceptance there. There would be no change in my life, for better or worse, but for the absence. My mother seemed to have known her time was short and she'd made our visits about confessions of her mistakes and guilt so I made peace with that closure. Yet death doesn't wipe the slate clean. It's not the growing gnawing of a grudge that is left, just the gaping maw of a toothless gear that clicks pathetically against nothing at all.

Yet today, I spent a few hours with my sister and nephews in an arcade/skating rink/play area and I found some joy and peace in the people I do have. It's only when I've been alone that I wince at why a day keeps hooking into me when days never meant so much before. Because, maybe, I might have reached for the phone unconsciously to make a requisite call to someone who is gone.

It still hurts, the decision to not be a mother. Yet, I don't think I could bring a child into this world, knowing they could inherit what makes me dig way too deep into voids I struggle to share. It doesn't matter that I could be a great mother. I did well for my nephews, somehow, but as proud as I am of who they are, it's also the most terrifying responsibility. I get a lot of credit for them, but I didn't do it alone and it gets no easier over time. It takes more than being a good mother or wanting to be to take on motherhood and, at the end of the day, the children I bear must come only from the womb of imagination.

It's a tough day, as I've said, but it could have been harder. I have much to be grateful for, skills I've climbed mountains for, people who pull me out of places that could swallow me, wisdom I've nearly drowned in to drink. I stand on the edge and breathe. I cannot fly but I stand firm and dare the wind to shake me. If I fall, may the dive be spectacular. Although it's in me to grow roots and bend as the wind blusters. That much, I had in common with my mother. To all who give life, improve life, and preserve life, Happy Mother's Day.

Tomorrow is another day and one to start anew.

XP-Pen Artist 12 Digital Drawing Display Tablet Review!

I realize this is my third blog post today and I *could* schedule them apart, but why not just keep up the flow and be spontaneous!

Without further ado, let's get into the tablet review.

I decided to go with yet another XP-Pen tablet, if only to make sure having multiple brands' drivers on my computer didn't cause conflict. It happens and I was so happy with the 22E Pro anyway that it wasn't a sacrifice. Most complaints come from Wacom users having conflict with their drivers not playing nice...

What does it come with?

• the 11.5" widescreen drawing display tablet
• a screen glove
• a screen cloth
• an assortment of cords for *most* Mac and PC users
• power adapters for overseas use
• instructions for setup
• one no-charge stylus
• extra nibs in a pen case/stand

What it ISN'T: a standalone tablet or touch screen. A good deal of reviewers thought this would be akin to an iPad, have its own graphics software, or work without a stylus. Depending on where you shop, this tablet will run about $225-250, which no such technology would be this inexpensive. It is, however, akin to a Wacom Cintiq, as it is simply an extra display that can communicate with a stylus. Cintiq does have a touchscreen model, but you're looking to pay hundreds more.

THE SCREEN: HD, all the way. It's comparable to my MacBook Pro screen. It also has a screen protector pre-set, which I don't suggest removing. Some people insist it makes their screen blurry. My advice is to set the navigator or preview screen of your graphics program on your primary monitor to view it more clearly. No warranty covers scratches of the screen guard or the original screen, so protect your assets. However, I don't have an trouble seeing the work. Make use of zooming and the hand tool to improve the view for details.

THE HOT KEYS: There are six on this one, as well as a slider bar. The defaults suffice, but I changed the bottom three to Eyedropper and Zoom/In Out and the slider bar to brush size. The first three are brush, eraser, and undo. I may use Undo, but the first two are kind of useless with the default stylus options, which I'll get to. They click quietly when you push them and they're in a good place to not be accidentally hit even when you hold the tablet on that side to draw with the tablet in your lap. The options are easy to set in the driver's folder.

THE STYLUS: Love this even more than the 22E Pro! There is an eraser on top like my Wacom Intuos 4 and the grip is angular like holding a wooden pencil. The buttons are NOT easy to accidentally press as they are recessed into the grip rather than sticking out. It also works without charging. Very lightweight as well.

CALIBRATION/PARALLAX: Very simple, but beginners may have some difficulty getting used to it. It's not necessary to do this if you have the indicator cursor on, showing you where you'll make your marks anyway. Don't overthink this. Unless you're completely stationary, you'll have to calibrate it every time to make it 'perfect.' I've described the concept of parallax in my 22E Pro review, but it's basically the room between where the pen touches the glass and where it shows up. Some people complain about this, but again, it's not something that slows me down. For the money, it's pretty damn great and cuts down plenty of time from my Intuos' issues.

CONNECTIONS/POWER: I haven't had any trouble with the cords causing interruption when the tablet is moved, nor any faulty wiring. I have the MacBook adapter plugged into the HDMI, and the two USBs plugged into the USB ports. I also plugged the port that connects to the tablet with the wires not hanging over the power button. For some reason, I plugged it in the other way and there was some screen jittering. This issue went away when I flipped it. Not sure why you'd want to cover the power button anyway... Sometimes USB port warnings will pop up on laptops when they are using too much power, but I don't have that issue with the tablet (even though charging an ipod has given me that grief before). They do include a power adapter to use if that is an issue. They also include international power adapters so bonus for those using this as a mobile display.

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I only used it for an hour, so I can't speak for long-term heating issues, but I haven't seen complaints with that. The tablet itself only weighs a couple pounds, no more than the Intuos 4, so it's very comfortable using it in my lap. I did a little doodling in my favorite drawing program, Clip Studio Paint:

Me and my cyan lines on grey to draft...

Thoroughly enjoyed just playing with it a bit. Once again, I look forward to what all I can accomplish with this over time.

Oh, and as for SET-UP, the instructions take you to their website to install the drivers. Install discs are defunct in this day and age, so anticipate using the internet just for this. It's a small file size so it downloads quick even with a slow internet connection. I do still have the Wacom driver on my MacBook but it didn't cause issues. My computer automatically set the screens as separate when I powered on the tablet, but some people have to set up whether they want to mirror screens or treat them separately manually. You'll have the options to set buttons on the stylus, hotkeys on the tablet, calibration and screen operations from there.

I don't know why I thought this would be a big task. It was set and customized within 15 minutes and it's very intuitive for most artists. As long as you know how to use your graphics program, the tablet doesn't add a huge learning curve to that.

If I can think of anything I overlooked, I'll add it later (asking me in comments will also help me decide what to add). For now, I hope this convinces you to give this tablet a try! As nice as this tablet is, it's hard to believe Wacom could really be worth paying hundreds more for. It really is a joy to work with.

How Bouts a Picture?

I tried to build a brand to trend, but it's about as stale as... well, month-old bread. I decided instead to focus on a business card that reflects what I actually like to do.

I write in my own style. I draw in my own style.

So why should I brand any other way?

I've been working on this one as a possible business card design. There may be quite a bit of fidgeting with fonts and image placement to come, but I rather like her for it.

I have a bit of fussing to do with it yet, but she embodies my work both as an artist and my interest in sci-fi infused fantasy themes. And let's face it, I tend to enjoy drawing women more. I don't hate drawing men at all--there's just that easy connection being in a female body myself. I might spit on enforcing any sort of gender roles, but I'm not in denial that I'm a female. (Also adding that men and women do tend to be better suited or more interested in certain roles and jobs, but anyone who has competitive skill levels NOT common to gendered stereotypes should kick some ass doing it.)

It's not the artist's job to be safe. If you want to work with a passionate artist, they're likely to drive you nuts from time to time. If you want to work with a safe artist, they're not likely to stand out for their clients or their customers. Because of that, I did a disservice to myself before by toeing the line. Every time I've followed my gut, I've found my best clientele, fans, and even better, friends.

I've taken an odd assortment of jobs, but rather than going the true temp worker route, I've found freedom in choice and risk. However, I am not that picky nor prone to danger. I do believe in humbling myself into choices I'm both not thrilled about yet still connecting to my goals. I've shed the bullshit tacts that baby-boomers swore by and adapted to the challenges that plague my own generation.

And now I look forward to MY future. The one where I stop listening to safe and keep listening to my instinct. Where I am accountable to my own choices and feel the full brunt of my mistakes, turning them into priceless lessons to push ahead.

Oh, and as my last blog post said, XP-Pen Artist 12 digital display tablet review ahead so stay tuned!

It Was a Cold and Rainy Morning...

Despite my resolve to never start a story with such a cliché, in reality, days don't escape the mundane quite so neatly. We all got up and donned our shirts for the Spirit Walk for the boys' school. My sister had to work, but she still wore her shirt to work. After dropping the boys off, I came home and got ready then headed back up there.

The rain came and went... And came and went again over the course of the walk. I let Dameon go off on his own as usual, but Marcus hung back with me and we talked about video games and having to pee. My bladder started feeling heavy into the end of the first lap, but Marcus felt it into the third and we constantly debated ducking into a restaurant or running home for the bathroom. Luckily, sweating made the urge less urgent and we finished the walk. Being cold and still bladder-heavy, I kissed the boys and told them I'd be back to pick them up later. The kids were eating popcorn and drinking slushies, but I was hyper-focused on hitting a bathroom.

Took me a while to thaw out once I got back, but hot coffee and scrambled eggs helped. After making a beeline for the toilet, of course. Still have to walk again, but I'm enjoying some relaxation time.

Tomorrow, I'm hoping to give the new tablet a whirl. The effort it would take to set it up is minimal but between antihistamines to calm the allergy symptoms and all of the running around this week, I'm just happy to keep diving back into bed before passing out.

I have found some good deals on printing my work onto big tapestries at least. I'd like to work on some new drawings to use for them, although the greyscale one that I use as a cover backdrop on social media might be one of them. I'm always looking into ways to dress up my future ComicCon booth, looking at ways to expand my brand. My workload in the social and temp arena will be lesser, giving me more time to rest and create. Once the boys are out of school for the summer, that is especially true.

Hoping to pick up on blog ideas and things to share soon, but rest and health are in order. I'm not unique in the respect that while I do have some downtime creatively, I tend to obsessively binge once I get going. The ideas have been pouring in, along with the piles of scrap paper containing their hasty semi-permanence, so there will be no staring contests with the always-blinking cursor nor the pathetic mini-triumphs of telling the cursor 'you blinked' once I get to it. Just periods of zoning out with passive mental reminders wondering how long it's been since I've eaten or used the bathroom. Liquids only work as a timer if you don't forget they're there when caught up in the moment.

But first, rest. Creative marathons await!

Hump Day News

My busy week is coming along, but I'll be glad when things slow down again. Got the doctor appt, cookie baking, bridal shower stuff done, but a waitressing shift and 5K walk still before I can enjoy the weekend.

My new XP-Pen Artist 12 display came. If you've been following the blog, I reviewed their 21E Pro tablet favorably, only disappointed that the size makes it anything but portable. While the 15" might've sufficed, I decided to try out the smallest (11.5"). The appeal of this was the stylus, just one with this model, doesn't need charged. While the battery life of the two in my big one isn't a problem, it could be a minor annoyance if I forget to plug it in. What I really wanted was something I could easily maneuver while using my laptop in bed, so the weight and size was pickier this time.

Again, I hope to actually try it this weekend and review it then. It's a small screen, but I do like the weight and orientation so far. The real test will be the driver setup, ease of use as planned, and screen quality. Reviews I've read do emphasize that it's a high def screen better than some of their computer screens, but without specifying the year and make of their primary computers, that doesn't tell me much.

I hope to finish up the image that will potentially be on my business card. That will be my next expense and I'm leaning towards a linen texture paper in cream. Still can't decide on rounded or standard corners but I'll play with that. I want to stick to a basic triangle because I'll be passing these out at a future ComicCon and want them to not be accidentally dropped while people juggle their collection of business cards. I hope the design does the work.

So that's where it's at for now. Pushing through this week and settling plans, raring up for a more creative week to come. This social week has been cleansing but exhausting and creative work will be more appreciated for the absence.

A Quickie Update!

Still working on the drafted drawing from the last post, but I'm down to fiddling the hair, shading and color work. 

Busy weekend/week ahead. I celebrate Cinco de Mayo with my friends, an annual get-together I aim to never miss. I bake my grandma's M&M cookies for it so I'll be up early to get that done.

Tuesday, doctor appointment. Absolutely love my new doctor, so I look forward to these. She's really helped point me in the right direction. Wednesday, bridal shower. My niece Melody is marrying a guy she loves on May 24, so I'm happy for her. Also baking cookies for the shower. Thursday, waitressing. Friday, the Spirit Walk for the boys' school.

So Monday might seem empty but after an hour long talk with Joe yesterday, I'm going to organize pictures he can use on the website he's building me and he's on it for a solid marketing plan as well. It's a great exchange going on--in return, I'm going to design some elements for fantasy layout sites and also consult with his friend to do some custom work for that site as well. He is certain my work would really boost interest so I'm also eager to give it a shot.

Once the school year winds down, I'm confident the more relaxed schedule will allow for more focused work. Since I just mentioned those details of what I hope to work on in the last one, I won't belabor that here, just reiterate that I'm eager to get going there as well.

Oh, I did mention ComicCon before, but I'm holding off on this year. I prioritized buying new equipment so I still need to purchase displays, print banners and business cards and bookmarks, whatever else I researched material-wise and rather than try to crunch that in last minute, I'll just gradually continue to gather that together as the money allows. I would also like to focus on the website, marketing, and broadening my body of work a bit more. I might still attend as a guest, since I usually go with my nephew Thomas each year, and it continues to be good research for ideas on when I do set up my own.

Yes, this is my idea of a quick update, but there were a lot of bases to cover and it's still brief, considering.

I'll most likely sneak back over here to throw up the finished image I'm working on. I'd like to use it in some form on both my business cards and my site but that may change. I may just use it on one or the other and make a similarly themed one to use on the other. I usually get a feel for these things once I've played with the finished image a bit.

Let's get through this week for now and see where things land!