Closet Shame: I'm a Writer, Not a Reader

One thing a lot of authors seem to peddle as advice is to read more and write more.  While the latter has become my obsession, I have to admit I'm a poor excuse for a reader.

That wasn't always the case.  I was a voracious reader into my mid twenties and I could drop titles/authors at you with ease.  I can't say exactly when reading became more of a chore or perhaps just lacked priority, but it's certainly nothing I am proud of.  I became somewhat incapable of just moving my eyes and imagining.  I became a slave to restlessness and couldn't have idle hands.

This made my love for video games take a bigger showing in my life.  I could enjoy my epic fantasies with the added benefit of voices, music, and visual masterpieces.  In that way, drawing came back into my life.  I've already posted about health problems throwing a wrench in the works and that reset a lot of what I thought I was as well as restoring some parts of me I thought were long gone.

I became a crafter and writing is just as much a craft as drawing and crocheting with their finer hand demands.  I do read, and a lot, but I lack the desire to devour the novels that I so love to write because my hands are overpowering assholes in the bid for my attention.  

I often do read the stories my closest friends write and I do enjoy them.  Sometimes they humor my crippling inattention and make short easy-to-devour chapters for this underachiever.  I enjoy critiquing if I can give the work my attention.  I am diplomatic even when the effort is frustrating.  It's not impossible, but it's rare and a labor of love.

I will never be able to answer how many books I've read in a year or even who wrote them.  Between my own ambitious work in illustrating and writing, I am lucky to be able to do more than edit, critique or poke in a quick blog or post on social media.  I don't have a TBR list and I have often not read a damn thing in my favorite genres over the last ten years.  I have no lack of ideas and I voraciously read articles on improving myself in the market and as a writer, but I am a lapsed reader.  I love my author and writer friends but as long as I'm charging on ambition, I'm afraid their work will be the closest I come to a TBR, because even if I can't get to reading it, I still sure as hell want to support their dreams, either with encouragement or finding a damn spot for their book in this game of Tetris (or maybe Jenga) I'm living in.

I would love to join the ranks of voracious readers one day.  Don't think it is through any lack of interest or idleness on my part. I put this dream of writing off too long.  Granted, I had always thought it would be comic books, I've found a compromise there as well.  I still might do comic books a few years from now.  My illustrations are improving in quality and confidence.  I'd like to collaborate with friends like Joe and Matt sooner rather than later, but they know I'm swamped with this shiny new courage and I'm sure they'll appreciate our collaborative effort more for the knowledge I'm building on my solo journey.

So yes, my name is Krista and I'm the unconventional author.  I wield little bits of all the things writers are told not to do, but I promise you, I'm not just flinging yogurt and I cast lines carefully.  I'm going to Paul Bunyan the shit out of my stories but I will write honestly with a shameful lack of reading novels in my repertoire.  Trust me, gaming is no slouch in the writing department so you'll have to trust that a pleb like me knows how to get things done.  Or don't. It really won't slow me down and for you and me both?  Plenty of fish in the sea.  Ships are meant to pass, not collide.  All those lovely marine metaphors.

Did you cringe? I kind of hope so. I do so try...

Soon, My Pretties...

I did just a wee bit of slacking this weekend and ended up with 5 full page illustrations still left to sketch.  Which is a-okay becaaaause...

Two days until NaNoWriMo!  I'm really excited to start UnNamed back up again.  I do have the first 37K drafted and edited, I was able to draft my anthology entry, so really, all I need to work on are the sketches.  

I may have mentioned some of my other works in a previous post but I've decided to do a cover for Iria of the Valley and publish this one free on Wattpad sometime this week.  It'll be my first published attempt at a romance. I'll be publishing romance titles under the pen name Claire Crowe in the future.  This one is more a novella in length with a very basic plot structure and a bit of infuriating cat and mouse.  I will be linking it here and on social networks once it's up.

Nevertheless for the next couple years, my big goal is to finish releasing the books of my flagship series, the Un- Quadrilogy, and some short stories and contests along the way.  Once I knock out the big projects, I'm returning to work on Piscine, my sci-fi crime novel.  I have some convoluted plots planned for that so I wanted to isolate it to my only working project when I go back to it.

Just more musing in blog form, but I look forward to finishing my sketches and prepping to juggle writing and inking for November.  Look forward to some more risque art ahead. I would never say that my books are for women, but let's face it, these books are definitely more appealing to women and I'm okay with that.  Boys have their clubs and I wouldn't expect them to change their vision to accommodate me, so I do my thing because it's my vision.  It's the series that gave me the confidence to write as myself and I am going to enjoy all the wonderful hats I get to wear as an author and all the lovely excuses I have to sexy up my anatomical knowledge combined with my style.

Like I said, I'm not excluding the boys but I know that many men might feel threatened by my views and fantasies and that can't be helped.  It's not present in all my works, but worry not, snowflakes, I do give ample warning.  I am certainly not trying to trick anyone with guarantees or infect anyone with some cleverly hidden agenda. I'm seriously writing purely for the challenge and the entertainment factor.

Anywho!  Great week ahead, I hope, and I look forward to infecting, er, entertaining you in the future...

Project Weekend

Just running a quick update on where I'm at with projects to start.

I have gotten 20 full page sketches, 9 partial page inserts, and 4 staging pieces for the panorama done this week.  Which leaves my weekend projects looking like:

Friday:

1. 5 full page, 2 inserts, 1 pan staging.
2. Drafting for anthology compilation project (details on this coming next year)

Saturday:

1. 5 full page, 2 inserts.
2. More drafting.

Sunday

5 full page

1. Even more drafting
2. Possible inking...

Yes, the inking hasn't been done.  Someday I'm going to save up and get one of those fancy Wacom Mobile Studio Pros and save time, but with wrist issues, I like to cut some corners when it comes to subjecting my hand to the cramptastic tablet.  I may do some inking Monday and Tuesday or take a couple days to relax and organize before NaNoWriMo kicks off on Wednesday.  Then I'll be juggling ink and drafting for UnNamed all of that month.

UnNamed will be submitted for a Nether Ether contest through Publishizer.  I'm hoping to look for publishing agents once I sort out the draft and start a campaign.

I submitted the second book's cover art for a design contest and even if I don't place, I'm hoping to get some critique on my style.  I do like to depart from the norm a bit.  Every genre can benefit from not being subjected to conservatism in either topic or design so I'm doing my part to take risks and pioneer my vision.  Results for that will be posted by the end of October so I hope to be able to blog some good news or at least link the results.

Also my big dumb Pink Convict African Cichlid, PinkiePie, got his dumb ass stuck in a rock today and I had to chisel him out.  He is back to his usual arrogant self and I hope he learned his lesson.  They're probably getting a thorough tank cleaning Monday.  He's one of about two dozen cichlids in a 55 gallon, but only five of them are full grown, the rest are the speckled, striped or pink offspring, the biggest don't exceed two inches for the juveniles.  It's a good workout since I haul out about 20 gallons of dirty water and replace it with primed clean water, bucket by bucket, up and down a flight of stairs.

So, you may not see my usual marketing and social presence, but I'll try to keep major updates blogged or posted somehow.  Heads up, publishing is just the first step and while I'm broke and getting established, time is not just consumed on the creative but also in trying new approaches.  I'm not just going for the ideal to start.  I also wanted to explore the differences in publishing for important aspects like creative control, licensing, marketing, etc.  I'm hoping Publishizer's hybridized approach will be a good lead in for traditional publishing.  I'd love to get UnNamed in the hands of a capable agent and publisher.  This is one I actually did while considering the market.  They can't all be vanity projects but I have high hopes this one will have a wider audience.

Meeting Your Muse Halfway

I hear it a lot while I've been on a quest of constant self-improvement: where do you find your muse?  Or where has mine gone?  Now anyone who attempts to tell you that there's a way to summon it back is selling something, but there are exercises you can do to at least send up the signal for that muse to possibly come back.

1. Oversimplify.  A lot of what keeps people starting a blank cursor is the fear that it won't be some complex and beautiful masterpiece.  They're not wrong.  It won't be.  Like most things that require talent, it's accumulated.  Go ahead and start with a Dick and Jane story. See Dick run.  Jane goes too. Go, Jane, go!  Every masterpiece starts with the most skeletal ideas.  Build a solid framework and it can give you the confidence to go back and elaborate.  Why is he running?  What made Jane want to follow?  Why are we encouraging her?  When you ask these questions, suddenly Dick is being chased by a lion and Jane is learning to be a lion tamer. 
2. Do and don't write for an audience.  You're going to have people that want the lion to eat them both, but if you want the heroes to save the day, remember that there are other people that want that too.  Those people are your audience.  It's great to do a little strategizing on your audience, but in the beginning, I always advise writing for yourself when your muse is playing hooky.  Your muse may have a bit of stage fright and need you to act on passion rather than logic. Sure, if you're letting people read your drafts and decide to take a different direction, that's fine, but don't build a fanbase off of work that doesn't do it for you.  You are your first audience.  Consider others lightly, but follow your own instincts.
3. Exercise and you might find your marathon. My friend Liz made an entire series based off of an old creative writing exercise-- describe an object on Earth as if you are an alien seeing it for the first time.  While I was reading the beginning of her series (very sci-fi fantasy) it kept feeling familiar and, lo and behold, that was why.  I can recall learning about that exercise over a decade ago.  Yes, the beginning was a little confusing, but she did use those moments of confusion to help you understand what that character was going through and eventually you do have aha moments that link it together.  It's funny what practice can lead to.
4. Pick a card, any card.  I recently signed up to do a fantasy author anthology for next year and the challenge is a short story with the theme 'magic wand.'  I think the two words started to blend and my eyes crossed a bit, but I started to shed my brain's experience-- the obvious series like Harry Potter, of course, wasn't going to help me here.  One thing I do challenge myself to avoid is something that I know has been done before.  This is where you brainstorm.  What do wands resemble?  Chair legs, walking sticks, bed posts, you start to think of similar shapes and you'd be surprised how those one or two-word themes start to take shape.  There are plenty of pages on the internet that can help you make theme flash cards that might spark something.  Poetry magnets might even help.
5. Mind mapping. In a character design class I took, this was an exercise I found leads from #4.  Pick a theme, find similar objects, but mind maps are free-flowing things that don't just have to be words but can incorporate quick doodles, even if it's just stick-figures.  It's not important that you can draw here.  This isn't an exercise in confidence, it's about letting one idea lead to another.  When you see all of your impressions laid out, your eyes may start to dart around and you'll start to add branches to ideas from there.  You'll abandon some of those ideas, you might get stuck.  Still, it can be something you need to warm up to just that one idea that launches a creative tidal wave.
6. Step away. I know this isn't the ideal step, but if you find attempts are frustrating you, find something you enjoy.  Make coffee or tea, read an article on writing, play a game on your phone (maybe even a word game).  Writing your first draft is supposed to be fun and a little chaotic.  One point of advice I read along the way is that even when you realize you've made a factual error, resist the urge to go back and change it right away if your forward flow is still on fire.  Switching into a critical editing mode when you're in creative mode can make it really difficult to pick up again.

I've picked up a lot of great tips along the way that can help you focus on the task once your muse shows up too.  I'm always afraid she'll jump ship if I'm not diligent.  And yes, that can happen, but it's not likely unless your brain's caught on some unknown obstacle.  You might need to do a writing exercise or start rambling on a blog to find the steam to return to a bigger project.

If you're on FaceBook, add Ditrie Marie Bowie's Page.  She's a talented writer that often links helpful articles for aspiring writers.  They've helped me tremendously and they might do the same for you.

There's no one way to do it.  The only 'wrong' way is to succumb to failure.  From the time that you want to start writing, always give yourself real time to learn how to pursue it.  Despite the staggering amount of book releases out there, it's NOT easy.  Even bestselling authors struggle with confidence and obstacles.  Just remember that anything worth doing is going to be difficult.  Doubt always manages to cripple me when it comes to starting new things. I plunge in, make a mess of things, then there's this feeling that erases the petty parts and just lets me enjoy the process.  You'll know you're there when people try to interrupt you and you mumble unintelligibly or your eyes pull away with all the speed of old taffy.  You're going to have doubts but aim for that slow slide into creative hypnotism.

What are Your Future Goals?

I don't know about you, but the further away my goals are the less I know how to even imagine how to answer that.  I'm sure you've heard the question "where do you see yourself in five/ten years?" In retrospect, did you ever really imagine five or ten years ago that you would be where you are NOW?  In my case, a big hell no. 

Ten years ago, I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and similarly misdiagnosed bipolar.  I've struggled with neuropathic issues since I was in my mid teens and autism wasn't 'a thing' back then.  I knew back then that it wasn't bipolar because I wasn't hypersexual and my shifty moods were largely about confusion in normal situations and social inadaptability.  Gawd love my friends for taking the quirks and seeing the better parts of my challenges.  I tried to blend in, but I was always the non-conformist, the eccentric, the weirdo. I embraced those assessments because I had no plans on bottling it.  I burst through containers so I stop trying to fit into them.

For this reason, plans are something that are hard to come by, even on a much smaller scale.  I often get asked how I 'focus' to get so much done.  The answer is 'I don't' and if you're frustrated because you can't get those big projects done then maybe you can benefit from this.  Not all of us can focus entirely on one thing and you don't have to.  What you do have to do is keep consciously making all the things a priority.

1. Break it up. Despite what you may read on social media, those two things I 'spent all day on' weren't it.  It would be horribly boring to list my ritual of the same breakfast I make every morning, working out, blah blah blah.  Those timed things are the only thing that have to be considered-- basic needs to fuel what I want to be done.  The rest?  I choose between these: edit something, draw something, tweak something, write something.  And that's it.  I generally choose two of them and I may edit three currently running stories or do two sketches and a few scans.  It's not important that I'm focused on the one big goal.  It's important that I don't paralyze myself when I'm getting myopic.  So what if you have X impossible deadlines?  Don't take on work that doesn't give reasonable deadlines.  You can or you can't and there is zero point destroying your credibility by taking on too much. Break. It. Up.

2. Chapters-schmapters.   I did my nine books series in chapters because it worked.  I recently read an article that said 'chapters are important' for reasons, only to have the last paragraph debunk it and say 'go with your gut.' so basically, just that part.  Sometimes, we set the goal that 'today, I'm doing exactly this much.' pffft, no.  You're introducing chapters in your life that may be too short or dragging past the point of usefulness.  First, we don't all read the same or appreciate where the chunks stop or start.  Bookmarks are a thing both digitally and physically.  Decide where your work should take you as you go.  Sometimes it's even best to make yourself stop right when it's getting good so you're psyched to pick it up again. I don't have to tell you that the writing analogy carries over into the first bit of advice.  This just emphasizes that even short term goals need wiggle room.

3. Allow generous deadlines, but push when the getting is good. I am arranging my next self-publishing release for early 2018.  I rarely ever set a date any sooner than two weeks prior to when I'm sure.  This usually means I have illustrations almost done, formatting ready for any additions, and even if life gets in the way, I'm not frantic last minute to pull magic.  I know now that for this current series, illustrations don't take longer than three months and that is even generous.  It also gives me time to squeeze in writing, either for publications or leisure like blogs and fanfic.  I'm not illustrating my working series so it is purely a writing project.  Hell, I can even sleep and squeeze in gaming.  It's responsible to the integrity of any job to not be a slave to any one task.  Could I do my illustrations in six weeks?  Yes, but they would be sloppy and I might burn out to where I might not be able to motivate myself to jump to the next. This isn't just a creative strategy.  When I was working service jobs, I'd work my ass off to the point of misery and spend that 'extra' money trying to find enjoyment.  If you plan for what makes you function the best in everything you do, your moods will benefit and no matter what you do for a living, taking your frustrations out on people WILL hold you back.  You will find you have those days where you are pumped to hit those grudge tasks.  Do that too.  Just accept that pushing may necessitate the same effort to rest.

4. Dream big anyway.  Your goals, moods, lifestyle are working because you've found your balance.  Go ahead and make some head-in-the-clouds fantasies.  See that big fanbase, think of those witty retorts for your haters, lay out the red carpet.  A lot in life relies on the luck of catching the right eyes.  By all means, practice humility, charm people by staying practical and down to earth, but ramble on with your imagination and be enthusiastic about your ideas.  In any job I ever had where I found good fortune, I was teetering on the edge of what should be done and how I could do it better.  I not only won regular customers, but I had the stars in my eyes that inspired them to dream bigger too.

Most things in life are not just about how hard you work.  Anyone can plug in a formula and do what needs to be done.  No shame in that.  I admire my father greatly for that.  His co-workers also rely on him and know he's damn good at what he does because he applies himself and makes damn sure they know it.  That's the thing-- humility doesn't mean you can't be your own advocate.  No matter what you are capable of, always aim to do your best, always aim to improve.  If you're going to go by the lazy adage 'work smart, not hard' then utilize your talents based on how capable you feel.  

Don't let capability hinder your ability to at least try something you haven't done.  Don't confuse your current skills as the limit.  My hands tremble sometimes, which can make drawing an absolute bitch, but I work around it.  If I kept telling myself that I couldn't do it anymore, I'd pine for it and never push for it.  Don't know if you've seen my drawings lately, but they aren't the drawings of someone who 'can't draw.'. 

If you had asked me five years ago if I'd ever draw again, I would've said 'outlook not good.' I'm glad we're not beholden to our terrible foresight.  Now, when I get asked that question I laugh and say 'Great things are ahead and I'll be better than I could even imagine.'. Believe it and you may surprise yourself.  And it sounds pretty impressive besides.

Cult of Personality

I know I am absolutely not the first to ever think of this, but I continually find it to be the strangest phenomenon that people are so closely wrapped up in the lives of celebrities that it affects their ability to enjoy the creative output.

Some people love the spotlight, good or bad.  Getting into the psychology of a personality is not where I'm going with this ultimately.  This is more concerning the direct confusion I often experience with the zeitgeist (a word referring to the collective likes or dislikes that form trends or attitudes).

I don't even attempt to put my finger on trends and a lot of the things social media claims are "trends" are clickbait sites and absolutely no one is actually doing them and it is therefore satire...

Let me start with an example.  Kanye West is a douchebag.  I don't mean this disrespectfully because I absolutely adore his music. No, I don't care if that's uncool and, yes, I think it's hilarious that he slammed that Swifty chick who has zero talent, no personality, and is getting no actual mention of her name from me.  See, the thing is, I liked his music from the first time I heard it.  Bought his College Dropout album the week it came out and noted two things about him right away: he had a clever rhythm and flow (a brilliant lyricist) and the music itself was always infectious.  Through the Wire was one of the most looped songs for me back then.  

News about him was pretty unavoidable, but here's the other thing-- I've never thought that artists should be rewarded simply for being likable or get morality sales for good behavior or lose fans for bad behavior.  I find it abhorrent when political parties manipulate people this way or think that moral stances should be laws.  You police thought and action and you make outlaws out of otherwise good people.  Given, I do understand liking someone as a person and being curious enough about how that might translate into how they work creatively, but doing it the OTHER way, well, it's rarely ever a good experience.

Anne Rice and Laurell K. Hamilton were two such authors that were a bit of a cringe when I got curious.  I'm sure they are quite possibly very lovely people in certain settings, but when one thing I never enjoy finding out is just how much they write their powerful, infallible females to be the carbon copies of how they see themselves.  I unfollowed Hamilton on FaceBook because it was way too much cheese.  Nora Roberts is another one that does this, down to the damn outfit they wear.  Anne Rice is just guilty of the cringy period blood vampirism scene in Memnoch.  If you know me, you know experimental smut is good game for me, but it can absolutely fall flat.  We've all got our own kinks and such-- some just translate into 'no, thanks' according to taste.  I don't hate you ladies for it, by any means, but it just made me absolutely determined not to write myself into any story.  There will always be characters I can relate to, but I don't have the sort of ego to care about whether I am being represented in any way, shape, or form.

Stephen King is a one-man word mill and pretty 50/50 on the hits and miss for damn near everyone.  Can't fault him for both the passion to do it himself (no ghostwriting like a lot of famous authors pawn off) and the ability to take risks.  Because of this, I am also really cautious about seeing any of his movies or getting books without scouring reviews.  Personality wise, I feel his presence is part likable/part unlikable.  He doesn't mind bagging and throwing away the movie renditions of his books.  I think we can all admit that there's always room for improvement, but I find I lack respect for authors that participate in the shredding of their work.  I suppose you can afford to throw away fans by trashing their favorite books, but it's because of what he does with his artistic integrity that makes me not line up for his work, not because of any personal thing he's done.

So lots of examples here, but here's the question.  Why do people so thoughtlessly let the personality attach to the work?  Think of all the little ways people do this.  The excuses are always "I can get the same thing/something better elsewhere" or "I'll never give my money to someone who doesn't fall in line."  Okay, no one says that but that is the sentiment, no?  And no, they CAN'T always get something elsewhere.  For better or worse, there is only one Kanye West.  There might be 50 better places to buy fried chicken, but turning off the spigot to find a 'similar' artist just seems... pointless.  There are plenty of people that absolutely DO become attracted to an unpopular artist and sometimes just as stupidly to SPITE the people that snivel at their personal decisions.

Clearly, it's NOT everyone, but like the song Cult of Personality drives home, the zeitgeist is swayed by the gravitation of fans and rebels around some of the most nonsensical reasons. Sometimes people are successful for being loved, sometimes it becomes mainstream to reward someone for being largely unpopular.  

Stephen King once said (and I partially quote here): "Talent is as cheap as table salt." He said that what separates the successful from the unsuccessful is hard work. Although if you know me, I do think the second part of that sentiment always sounds really lazy and not well thought out.  There's that other ingredient that frustrates people because you can't do a damn thing to sway it and it's just plain luck.  Even 'work smart, not hard' is lazy.  Do you think if there was any way that an artist could predict the popularity of their work they wouldn't at least START with any old bestseller and then maybe coast on integrity, writing whatever they wanted or, fuck it all, living in the lap of luxury?  There are plenty of people with gobs of talent and hard, smart work that can't be a career artist because they just can't tap into that crazy zeitgeist.

Most writers want to encourage each other.  My foolproof advice is always 'do it because you just can't imagine doing anything else.'  I want to see people succeed, not just in their careers, but in finding their happiness.  

I'm not going to lie and say I don't get a little jealous when luck is on their side, but I will absolutely tell you I don't believe in better or worse.  I'm one of those people that hates being asked if I have a favorite anything because I normally don't.  I can't even list my top 10 favorite songs if I tried.  I don't think it's important to rank art to show how important your tastes are.  I have one of the most maddeningly eclectic music libraries.  I mean, really. Bluegrass, Korean pop, kid songs, pop hits, rap, R&B, punk, metal, classic, game soundtracks.  I even have a couple of country songs even though most country is garbage to my ears.  If I like something, I like it.  I don't like it because I should or because it's acceptable, any more than I would simply like it because I shouldn't or it's unpopular.  I generally do not trust the mainstream at all, but I don't swim downstream to run far, far away either.  

Believe it or not, I actually tried Twilight and 50 Shades before they gained popularity and when they did, I couldn't believe it.  I couldn't finish them they were so bad.  Nevertheless, I've never felt other people couldn't like it.  Another thing that is completely pointless, thinking you can judge how you'll like someone by how much of a carbon copy of YOU they are.  I have plenty of friends I share very different passions with and I would never require a significant other to be my clone.  I have found that the marriages and partnerships that are most successful are people that do have very separate tastes and lives.  They have this magnetism and respect for each other's differences and like each other more for the times they break off to explore those other aspects.  They aren't even more likely to cheat, believe it or not, because they aren't driving each other up the wall when they have been tolerant from the onset.

I hope this random scattering of thought (I do not frame ideas prior to blogging, as you have to be able to tell) sheds a little more awareness of how you choose things.  

Side Note: You ever notice how your sweet grandma gets a little fouler and freer with her thoughts over time?  I know this may sound crazy, but this is a display of wisdom.  They probably held their tongue on a lot of things, thinking acceptance was the most important thing to have.  Acceptance is a really hollow victory, people.  It's fragile, it's fleeting.  The backlash is often the mid-life crisis, the departure from the person you thought they were until they exploded in the opposite direction of who they actually wanted to be.  Live a life where you understand it's okay to be uncomfortable with how people will react to you.  Don't swallow all you want to be because you're afraid that being unpopular will ostracize you.  Even if it does, you'll weed out the bigots and find your people, similarly ostracized and WAY cooler than those assholes.

NaNoNovel: UnNamed

Spent today just working on a book cover for UnNamed, which if you haven't read the previous post or the title, it is the novel I will do for NaNoWriMo in November.  I'm really excited to be able to share it.  It's turning out pretty amazing.

It's like a falling star...  Seriously, that title placement wracked my brain, but popular opinion seems to be leaning towards the middle one.  Letter shadowing is still under scrutiny too. The black border is only because I screenshot it in PhotoShop.  I may be redoing the mercenary there, give him some proper shadow detailing and such, but damn, did I do that?  

For $65K in student loan debt, you're damn right I did.

Too Much? Naaaaahhhh...

As you may know, I have done the nine books of my flagship fantasy series.  Nine books, all falling in the 80K- 100K word range.  I am currently juggling six other novels.  Yup.  At the same time.  Let me give you a quick run-through.

UnNamed- Epic Fantasy

There are four books planned here and I'm only working on the first one.  The working titles of those are UnSung, UnHeard, and UnVeiled.  Each one features a different hero in vastly different areas of a fantasy world, each with a unique limitation.  UnNamed starts with a mercenary, a man who never gives his name and doesn't want to know yours.  Uncovering a magical artifact, he learns that the only way to stop a destructive force looking for it is to deliver it right to their doorstep.  

Iria of the Valley- Fantasy Romance

Iria, a young woman in a feudal society wants to avoid her parents' fate by serving the poor instead of rubbing elbows with the rich.  When a strange man steps in to give her unwanted assistance, she finds herself torn between liking him and hating the idea of sharing the role of benefactor.  Neither of them knows how to trust but are drawn to one another inexplicably.  Can two damaged people manage not to crush each other under their burdens?

Piscine- Sci-Fi Crime Thriller

Only the best and brightest are invited to live in Cerulea. After a series of mysterious murders in the world's first underwater city, Detective Finnaeus Rex is called in to find the link between them.  At first they don't seem linked at all until the forensic pathologist finds a crude symbol of a fish cropping up.  With the city under lockdown to keep the threat confined, he knows he has to work quickly or the panic could claim more lives.

Drawn to Perfection- Fantasy Romance

Trevelyan has always loved one girl from the time they were children, but she can barely stand him.  Or so she says, but as teenagers they started to slip away during festivals to have casual sex. He is a Hunter, she is a Scholar and their paths are not meant to cross.  When she is kidnapped and presumed dead, he is the only one that doesn't believe it and sets out in search of her.  

Blackwater Inheritance- Fantasy Adventure (might be a romance, but I'm feeling this one out)

Marina inherits only her father's ship after he passes away, the rest of his property promised to an old friend of his under one condition: Captain Harris must deliver Marina to her estranged mother.  It sounds simple until he learns that her mother lives on the other side of the world across an ocean known to swallow ships.

Folk War- Epic Fantasy/Thriller

This one is actually a prequel to my nine book series and will cover the events that led to the creation and rebellion of the Folk that appear in the series.  A young engineer takes a classified but high-paying job of building a secret lab.  He suspects that something is very wrong, but cowers under the fear of being silenced.  When the horrors are made clear, he has to decide which is more important: his life or the hundreds of victims of what goes on there.

Through the Golden Doors (Dreampunk Chronicles): YA Fantasy

Based on dreams I have, this one follows two girls, Vivienne and Miria, as they cross through pockets in our world that warp the concepts of Reality and Surreality, in search of why they appear and why they have the abilities in the first place.  With the help of unlikely allies, including a wizard prince and a fairy allergic to her own dust, they attempt to juggle jobs, relationships and dragons.  And yes, my first attempt at cleaning up my filthy language and proclivity for smut to write about friendship and magic.

Two of the books are floating at the 30K word mark, the others at 5K-10K.  Ah, I'm also writing two continuing fanfics, but those are just my geekdom freebies for the very niche group of people who like combining Dragon Age with smut (although one is not gratuitous at this point).  Only 2, possibly 3, of the books will specifically have graphic adult intimacy in them and those are the ones labeled romance.  The others may have some elements of romance but no gratuitous scenes.

Okay, please don't think I'm just churning out bullshit because of how staggering those numbers are.  Yes, they are all drafts.  Yes, I'm talking the next five years of my life easily.  This is super draft phase, but I'm kicking ass getting the ideas formed.  I'm over the moon that my muse is a slave driver.  I don't mind spending 14-16 hours of every day doing this and somehow still managing to get my nephews through school, bugging them with hugs and kisses, having some social breaks...  It can be done.  I'm absolutely insane with a keyboard.

I love getting my plots out there, getting people involved in what to anticipate.  They say mastery takes 10,000 hours of practice.  I want to give it tenfold and beyond.

Yup, I'm a chick.  Love romance and bad puns.  I also write whatever I want to challenge myself to write.  Romance is actually a challenge for me because I write from zero experience.  Fortunately, romance is about intuition and hormones and I have that in spades.  I'm also something of an anomaly.  I absolutely love crushing people under the weight of extensive lore.  I will literally throw a new language at you and my spellchecker is a technical writer's worst nightmare.

B-b-b-b-but I also enjoy writing in different voices.  I'm not a light and fluffy sort though so you are going to have to wade through tortured characters to plant your flag at the end.  Just a heads up.  Not a fan of the cheesiness of pure tropes...

Tag, You're It!: Social Justice, the Bored Game

Have you ever decided to change the error of your ways as representative of whatever race, gender, non-choice consequence of birth, due to the insane assaults of social justice warriors?  Oh, you have?  Congratulations and fuck you, because that person doesn't exist.

I understand there is always a need for sensitivity in matters that you don't understand.  We should all acknowledge that everyone has a unique struggle, if this were a perfect world.  But in this shitstorm, we have people touting the value of individuality while shoving complete strangers in neat little boxes.

Hell, I used to find comfort with labels.  My many confused attempts to define my sexuality, my gender, my questionable ethnic make-up (one of these days, Ancestry.com, we're going to have a long talk)...  However, people now use those labels to define you for themselves.  Back the truck up, people, because that's not how personal labels were EVER supposed to work.  I can no longer use the word 'feminist'.  Once upon a time, that word opened a conversation where people might ask me what it means to me-- I would say it's about empowering myself not to conform to gender roles that still barely exist in the largely ignored cellars of western society.  It means I don't flail at the injustice of prejudice or setbacks.  I make myself impossible to ignore, using every damn outlet I can headbutt my way into.  I don't start hashtags and bully anyone out of the discussion even when they steer a little off-topic.  Yeah, it's annoying when we get that chip in our shoulder where we might say "well, what about this?"  There is no crime in threading off topic.  No one is entitled to join your vent session and kiss your ass.  You are not being silenced by letting someone have a voice.

I see it without ever trying to.  You'll get the one guy that takes a poor little victim story and actually shatters the argument with the fact, usually the duplicity or bias from the supposed victim.  I love that guy.  He is not saying that the invalidation of said article means no woman experiences harassment, but you would think that's what he's doing.  I'll take his back when the rabid ones start to bully him.  He doesn't need me to, but I think society also needs to stop spinning every fact checker as the villain.

Which brings this up-- I have never been 'one of the boys.' I've never been out to prove I'm a man or 'as good as one'.  My body is biologically female and I have never tried to fulfill female roles either.  I like to customized dolls and crochet, but I love dirty jokes and video games.  For the record, assignments or no, none of those things are gender exclusive.  There are plenty of men in the craft game, plenty of women in the sword-swinging, rage-quitting game.  No one ever needed to tell me that.  Believe me, plenty of people tried to pull the lady card on me and I've tossed it back and told them to keep the change.  I am not interested in competing with women or impressing men with how cool I am.  I'm a fucking geek and primping is too much work.  I have zero interest in gender politics because I embrace the tendencies and decisions regardless of biological inclination.  If you're a slave to society or just want to whine that you're not socially acceptable but should be, you're a pain in the ass and change starts within.  Join a cult-- they'll love you.

Not all social justice is this tainted, mind you, at least not completely.  I ran into problems with how women authors are marketed as opposed to their male counterparts and it does SEEM as if women are often signed on as a statistical requirement and then thrown under the bus.  Take these for example if you missed my former post: 

1. women are often openly encouraged to use initials in male-dominated genres (and I'm also aware that men do the same in the crime fiction genre that demands female writers-- they don't cancel each other out, weirdos...)
2. covers by female authors are often resembling the covers of romance novels.  In the fantasy genre, if a woman writes sex, they want to peg it as romance/erotica.  A man is never thrown under this bus.  This genre fuckery can kill its selling potential because epic/high fantasy is NOT romance.  It's a niche that some publishers do market, but it's a graveyard planting nerd lore in the general romance section.
3. last but not least, women are sometimes the problem.  I can't say on a case by case, but women are supposedly statistically less likely to protest creative decisions or salary shortage, to allow decisions against their best interests because they short-change their own worth.

I know I'm risking a shitstorm with that one, but I've seen and even been one of those women that doesn't look the fucking gift horse in the mouth.  You have to be your OWN advocate.  There is a good reason I don't speak for other people.  For one, I don't know your position and two, you didn't ask me to.  I will not hesitate to speak up for someone if they want to use my voice, but I don't assume every creature on this earth without a dick needs me to rescue them.  It's infantilizing.

So when I see these campaigns where people have the audacity to say that a man asking them to smile because it's pretty is sexual harassment and a call for social reform, I shut down.  I'm not raising my voice.  I'm not going to try to drown out that noise because when the cacophony dies down, I'm going to clear my throat, speak softly and use sense.

I absolutely hate the divides people are creating with words.  I have always used words to tackle my own frustrations, my fictions to reach people, and I will not waste my words by yammering about these pseudo-problems.  Assholes do not have a race, gender, religion or shoe size.  They exist everywhere and just like criminals don't follow laws, assholes are not the ones punished by social reform.  You're spinning strong people as victims and making victims afraid to call themselves strong.  How?  Because when a victim tries to call you on your shit and disagree, they are suddenly not victim enough to cower to your narrative.

Real talk, men were never 'my problem'.  I have been sexually harassed and assaulted by females too, folks.  It was never a gendered problem.  A male friend of mine confided that with today's sexual revolution, women are under the impression that they can touch a man however they want and they are just as likely to talk about a man's body in a way that would get a man's ass beat if he dared to say that to a woman.  Social reform isn't the answer, people.  We need to stop with the assumptions.  Pick your battles. People are watering down the power of words by getting offended, injecting insidious intent in every innocent comment.  

Yes, I do look pretty when I smile.  No, you don't have to be attractive for me to be flattered instead of creeped out.  On some days, you can probably even say 'wow, look at the breasts on this cunt' and I might not care.  I've got a twisted sense of humor and sometimes I can admit that your frustration does not always warrant me wasting my time being offended.  

I'm not going to justify these hypocritical movements of victim unity though.  I'm not going to wave some weird survivor flag either.  I don't need a trophy for overcoming adversity because the revelation was its own reward.  Just like when I finish a book.  Yeah, it's disappointing when they don't sell, but I keep writing.  The journey and the accomplishment speaks for itself.  I don't want a pity prize for participating in all the fucked-up and beautiful twists in life.  I don't need karma or retribution or reward, tit for tat, promises on life.  Expectations are the source of your misery, people.  Next time something doesn't go your way, try asking yourself 'what did you expect?'  

Don't feed the trolls.

Do not pass Go, Do not collect $200.

Poor Man's Copyright and Other Ways to Protect Your Work

Launching right into the header topic, I became wary of enlisting beta readers or ARCs (advance reader copies) of my work right out of the gate.  If not entirely plagiarizing or commandeering your hard work, sometimes you just don't someone to beat you to the punch by using your unique take on an idea before you do.  However, you do need to establish some semblance of trust to gain readers in pre-publishing stages.

If you're going the route of traditional publishing, you can avoid this.  You can toss a polished draft and a book proposal at an agent and negotiate a contract that makes it in their best interests to protect your work.  Your royalties are significantly lower but your chance of snagging readers is higher. This isn't about that route.

If you're going indie for the creative control, you can do something called a PMC or Poor Man's Copyright.  This is where you email yourself a copy of what you plan on distributing or sharing.  Emails are little timestamps that can prove that it was your original work prior to any misuse or leak.  Ideally just securing official ISBN blocks is a good way to lock in your work but can be costly (I believe it's $250 for one ISBN, better deals if bought in blocks of ten, which if you're doing a series is recommended for better visibility).  Purchasing a Copyright prior to sharing is another option.  It's not expensive unless you're broke, which I am.  Hence, the lovely limited use of PMC.

Creative control is tough work.  Outsourcing doesn't exactly make it easier. There is trust that needs to be established in any part of the presentation of your work.  If you do use others to do work you can't or don't want to do, acknowledge them.  It is a rare thing finding those trusted relationships and each contributor should be noted.  Whether or not you contractually obligated them to protect your ideas, their part is still instrumental in your success.  Don't reciprocate your failures and lose those relationships though.  You had the final say prior to release, so if the cover design isn't successful, don't blame the artist.

Personally, I'm curious about seeing how traditional publishing might handle my ideas.  I've heard from many female authors that their publishers tend to advocate less for them, make less successful decisions for them than their male counterparts.  While it would be heinous if this is true, it doesn't seem that a weak campaign would benefit them either unless the only reason they signed you on was to statistically appear more female friendly. I don't know, but you already can't be sure of what will trigger the phenomenon of success in a story. I do know that it is something I will consider in negotiations for contract.  I'm not going to sign on with a publisher where the success of female authors is suspiciously unbalanced or they have a habit of marketing female authors to appeal only to female readers.

  All things considered, ask the questions, value your work.  Don't throw away your hard work for a paycheck.  Learn how to establish trust early and advocate for yourself.  My grandma always told me not to trust people that say they have your best interests at heart.  Keep your own records, evaluate other's actions, and be prepared to change your course.

Leap of Faith

We are full of stories.

Each of us experience life in different measures of reality and surreality, moments where we are present, moments where we are distant.  Sometimes we want to be exactly where we are, either in the circumstances we are in or in circumstances we create.  Even with our feet firmly on the ground, we let our heads wander in the clouds. We shoot for the moon and gather the stars.

We have those cherished epiphanies on our own, but what makes us grow is that phenomenon of the shared experience.  What each of us take out of it may be vastly different, but only when we combine passion with commonality are we able to gain new perspective.  Even the lone wolves of the world find some comfort among the packs.

There's a Backstreet Boys song called Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely that has one line in particular that always makes my skin tingle.  "Eyes of stone observe the trends."  The song is largely about the pain of loss, but this line always struck me as fairly optimistic.  There's something freeing about the concept of separating yourself from the need for acceptance, to observe something dispassionately in order to get in touch with what something really means to you.  In the context of the song, grief leaves you no choice.  You don't want the change, but it's forced on you.  You can't push forward when you're kicking at the missing pieces.

I could share so much of my art with people with a sort of pride and detachment, but writing was something I had struggled to bring life to.  In the rare instances I chose to share it, there would be these odd flickers of connection, not just because someone would take the time to share the affect it had on them, but because it sparked the need to keep going.  I would talk to my mom about writing all the time.  About how determined I was to publish even though I was equally scared of baring my worlds for scrutiny.

I didn't see it as fulfilling a trend or being a best seller.  I did look at successful writers though and the most passionate among them all had something in common: they published it when you liked it or not.  They risked reputation and assumption and ripped off the bandages.  I have no doubt that if self-publishing had been as simple as it were today, authors like Stephen King would have filled the market with every errant thought, popular or no.  He does it now, with little regard for critics.  Good or bad, the writers that have something to say find any outlet they can to say it.  

No matter how much you love your work, it grows stagnant if you don't take that leap of faith.  I knew it would be a very specific sort that would even like my first series.  It's fast and vast and complicated.  It doesn't give you filler that lets you catch your breath and the pacing is erratic. I've looked at it with eyes of stone and I love it no less.  I went a completely different direction in my current novel.  There are far fewer characters, odd limitations, a smaller world and a grittier voice.  Why?  It has little to do with trends.  I challenged myself to reach beyond what I've already done.

Whatever you reach for in life, you may find comfort in repeating what works or always trying something new.  Some careers depend on a limited skill set that promises reliability.  Even mastering an art can be that way.  No matter how precisely you hone your skills, what makes you excel are often those breathtaking moments, those epiphanies unique to your experience, that release you from doing everything the same.  

I could have let grief pin me down.  Somehow it seems like an injustice to waste the faith my mom had in me by giving up that easily. Even in the haze of loss, I'm finding this slow-spreading boundless warmth, this ability to connect to people that I love that I never would have been able to experience if I continued to doubt myself.  There are more steps to take...

But I am full of stories and I'm not afraid to share them.

Everything Has a Reason

Most authors aren't going to admit what I'm about to tell you.  No, that isn't click bait, but it does sounds catchy.  Oh, gawd, no more fish puns... But now that you're hooked...

(Or bailed on me... Pbbbttttt...)

I know exactly how cheesy some of my first books can get.  Wtf, Krista, that doesn't sound very confident.  Now no one's gonna read them.  Relax, there is a reason I kept some of that cheese intact.  When I started these books, I was in my early twenties.  They were much cringier back then and I debated for years on rewriting them.  Something else happened.  I started to embrace the cringe.

The dialogue can feel old and awkward and it's a big no-no describing your characters in a big list.  As much as you hear that this is something "inexperienced" writers do, I kind of got tired of the do and don't bullshit.  It's supposed to be some signal that you're unaware or inexperienced when you break these stupid rules that jaded snobs wave like flags of stunted superiority.  We hate adverbs, we hate clunky, we hate smut, we hate flowery prose.  If you followed every maddening rule, you'd end up with a page full of 1st grade grammar book.  She found a sword.  He rode a horse. This book is not fun.  The writer has no voice.

Even the literary snobs will admit, well, EXCEPT for how THIS writer broke the rule, then it's okay.  When you start peeling through the layers, all it ends up coming down to is: is the story interesting?

Some people bitch that you're holding their hands or insulting them by directly relating a character's feeling and you change it.  The next person complains that you are now being too vague and boring.

All people are impossible to please.  Write for yourself.

I'm not saying don't challenge yourself.  Sometimes you have to limit yourself to see what you can do. But an exercise does not always make for good reading.  My friend Liz wrote a beautiful description of the most boring buildings in the world (those prefab rectangle skyscrapers) that lasted a whole page.  It was an excellent display of writing, horrible in a story.

So where does this fit with my reason?  I found my clunky awkward beginnings charming.  Even under my coldest criticism when I cringed hardest, there was something honest about my depiction of these late teen/early twenties characters because I wrote them being that same age at it WAS a time I thought I was tough and sophisticated, but was clunky and awkward.

I didn't start publishing them under the delusion they were a guaranteed best seller.  I published them because they're entertaining.  They aren't bad by any means, but they aren't trying to be what they're not.  They're by a geek girl and probably FOR geek girls.

I do have books I'm doing where I intend to steer into other markets and audiences.  Look at Stephen King for a minute.  I admire some of his great works (nothing will top Dark Tower) but there's also a great deal in his catalog that was absolute shit.  No offense, but I admire the hell out of that because even though he did try to coast on some formulaic bullshit, he wasn't afraid to try new things.  He's an ecclectic writer and one that embraced all of the highs and lows.  I might be a tough critic of his, but it also comes from being a total fan.

When it came down to what I liked most about my favorite authors, it wasn't just their talent or even their stories.  They stuck to their guns and when they wrote honestly, it showed.  

So yes, I do know what I wrote and I know the flaws.  I also know I broke some snobbish rules, thanks.  If you think any of these books define everything I am, you're in for an awakening.  

That being said, I'm really excited about the series I'm working on beside my first series as well.  This one is a whole other beast, full of new challenges and a new set of broken rules. Sorry, literature, but language belongs to everyone and if it's effective then shove the rules.

Anyways, I'm about to NaNoWriMo the crap out of the first planned book and I'll be announcing the first title alongside the release of the third book of the Heroes Trilogy.  I hope I continue to give a big middle finger to the naysayers and inspire new writers to believe in themselves.  

Be a publishing plebian like me.  Like my teachers always said, no one will know your value until you can put a price on your work.  The perfect book never happens.  If you can read your book as many times as I have and still love it, it's time to let it out into the world.  It's not a finite market.  You're not 'clogging the market from the discovery of GOOD writers with your CRAP.'  Crap has always flooded entertainment.  Because someone out there, maybe a lot of someones, thought otherwise.

And yeah, there are those sad American Idol contestants that think they're God's gift to music that can't carry tune.  If you know anything about me, I'm not delusional about my level of talent or potential.  I've been told by people who have absolutely no reason to invest in me or my feelings that I have 'something.'. That something is always a little different but it's always directed at the creative.

I have no desire to deceive nor beg people to like me or my work.  Don't like it?  To the left.  Love it?  Come on in!  You can change your mind either way at any time, but it would be stupid to cling to the negative when I have so much more to give.

Before this comes off as a defensive rant (and it kinda sorta is but not really), I want to say I've been low on self-doubt and high on ideas.  If you're an avid self-editor/masochist, then edit both when you're feeling most confident and least confident.  I know it sounds crazy to torment yourself that way, but you can't approach editing if you're the exact same person every time.  If you still like it when you suck at life, it's a good sign it's not total crap.  If you never doubt it, it probably sucks hard though.  Not a rule, so feel free to prove me wrong! ;)

NaNoWriMo! Let's Get Psyched!

I've seen some of my writer friends posting about it for years and finally reached the day where curiosity won over and I'm itching to try it.  I'm dabbling with notes on a new idea for a fantasy series, this one with a specific set of self-imposed challenges.  The books will not be set in the same world, each will standalone but will have one common theme: a specific psychological or physical limitation.  Voice, style and POV will be integral in developing the pace and plots.  I don't want to say too much-- I'd prefer not to know if it's been done before or have someone beat me to the punch if it hasn't. 

In any case, it's what I'm bringing to NaNoWriMo, a basic intro I started and a notebook full of scribbled notes I'm excited to put to paper.  How I will juggle it with illustration for book 3 of my current series remains to be seen.  I will need to put my fanfic and other WIPs on hold to divvy up the time better, but I'm excited to be getting another series going alongside my flagship series.

FYI, this new series will still be adult, but more for language and violence, not for gratuitous sex.  Female writers tend to get shit for that and I intend to prove I can write just fine without it.  I also intend to keep writing books with smut here and there because it's human and I'm not uncomfortable with how people express it.  Challenging myself does not mean I'm going to write formulaic bestsellers just to appease the market.  The rebel in me just loves to fly my middle finger.

If there are any fellow NNWM participants out there, share some details in the comments!  Shameless plugs for any of your published work and links are highly encouraged too!

The Key to Your Heart: Make Friends, not Fans

Yeah, friends can be your biggest fans too.  Sometimes the brutally honest, sometimes the ones that unfailingly tell you to never give up and only have good things to say.  I like them all for their different approaches.

I adore my friends and I try to make it a point to say something to each of them individually for any level of support that they give.  This is probably next to impossible for those best sellers, but I tell you there is nothing quite like trying to keep up with all of the people who support you.

Some of the people that have been there are family.  My dad really didn't know what I was about for years, but when he saw what my talents did for me and others, he was one of my first 'fans' and I'm certainly his #1 fan.  Above all things, he is the reason I am able to focus on fulfilling work now.  He's still the unfailingly practical one, the hard worker that might complain but loves his work.  We don't always see eye to eye, but there's a lot of respect and love there.  He's been the one to buy himself a print copy and one for me too.  My family is an odd bunch, but whenever I see them, they ALWAYS ask me how my art is going, ready to offer suggestions and encouragement.  We might be stuck together even when we drive each other crazy, but it always comes back to a place of support.

Now friends...  This is where it gets pretty diverse.  I have the ones I originally met through FaceBook, friends like Debbie, Erika, Phil, Rob, Amber, Stephanie, Brad, Fermin (with the fancy i that I'm not remembering which option key combo works; may he rest in peace-- I miss him).  I know some of them offline now and they've been part of my 'chosen ones,' those friends that you are so lucky to have met through social media, so you can never bring yourself to hate social media.  Then there's the longtime crew, the friends I met in high school-- Liz, Em/Ev, Joe.  These are the ones I talk to most days of the week and have both rocky pasts with and priceless conversations with.  There are more friends from school I keep on social media too, some that were co-workers at one time too.  Landon is still my favorite face of Kroger and he's doing a tremendous job with his creative pursuits too.

Oy, really, could absolutely go through my friends list and probably list a hundred more.  And these are people I have sent personal messages to, not just bumped into each other on feeds.  Not only for my creative work, people who have just sent me personal encouragement in crazy life situations.  You know who you are and I've not forgotten you.  

Some friends kind of boost you up in a lot of places.  I wouldn't dare forget about Matt, who I did my first official book cover work for.  He's not only a talented writer and blogger, but also an old friend from school.  I've mentioned him before so I won't neglect him now.

I'm bringing up Debbie here, who inspired this post to begin with.  She sent me this heart-warming gift today and I'm reeling from the unexpected high...

A USB Drive I can use to keep my books close to my heart at all times.  I really can't thank her enough for this.

It's hard to write a group post like this and not feel like I'm leaving anyone out.  Because I collect all of it and it fuels me.  I probably Poke you on FaceBook sometimes while I'm thinking of something you said or did.  Nothing I do is done without thought.

Okay, if you hung around past my gushing, here's the part where I bring in the point.  You can write a bestseller by catering to markets. You can collect a ton of fans that way and I'm sure it feels great. No one would turn that down.  Still, the most fulfilling relationships always come from being considered, not just as an artist, but as a person.  When people take time out of their day to really dig in and do something nice for you, even just saying hello, or that they really love what you do.  I know fans can do that... but I'd rather think of them as friends.  The amazing authors I've had the chance to talk with, the voracious readers, the encouragement-- it's all really building the artist up as a better person.

Once you take the risk and put yourself out there, they will tell you that you are a brand.  They aren't wrong, but there's more to it than reputation and sales.  People will want to connect to you as a person.  The phenomenon of someone being starstruck even is often just people observing their popularity and the rarity of the time with that person, having that one opportunity to gush and connect.  

Superfans can come with the super trolls too, so it's always best to appreciate your present place in your journey.  I probably have a couple best sellers in my arsenal, but I'm not writing them to be that way. They're all gonna FEEL like bestsellers, after all. I'm latching onto something earnest here, something that is catching on with people I care about.  I'm connecting through my work and there isn't really something 'better.'  'Bigger' perhaps, but it's something I intend to keep humble.  Work to make your life better for the ones you love, but why not reach out and see how it can expand you?  Always be grateful to your friends.  No matter how big you get, they're the ones that take room in your heart.

The Golden Days: Why the Age of Information Sucks

Why yes, I do realize I sound exactly like someone's grandma with a post heading like that, but here's the thing-- times have changed.

When the internet became a thing, our eyes were bright and shiny with the promise of all of the information and worlds that would open to us, the potential to reach more people, make our lives more interesting, learn new languages, immerse ourselves in culture.  Yet, what do the majority of people use it for now?  Social media.  Not to say that's a bad thing since it is so valuable for a reclusive artist like myself to be able to reach people.  At the onset, we had this nifty little thing called 'netiquette' that kept us all from being over-opinionated blowhards holding our 'The End is Near' signs in every passing face.

Like most things, we completely ruined it.  All of us.  Okay, that's a bit of an overstatement, some of us continue to make it suck sometimes.  It weakens the point a bit, but it's more accurate.  I can tell you what happened over the past few days even though I made it a point only to zoom by these posts on my feed.  Biggest mass shooting in history in Las Vegas, WHITE MAN, Tom Petty died, not really, but then he actually did, Trump said some more stupid shit, people decide what some football player is protesting for and black people must all hate America because they peacefully protest at the wrong times.  Does any of that piss you off?  There was a time when only some of that would and it would have taken you weeks to gather that info-- from Rolling Stone magazine or a newscast or your neighbor's cousin because they talk really loud and your window was open.  You would actually have to go out and talk to people or buy things and it came in small packages that weren't spun out of instant reactions to an overload of biased bullshit.

You, personally, probably fed the fire or still do because why not?  They're entitled to their opinion and so are you.  Did you feel better?  Probably not, unless you got a lot of Likes and everyone agreed with you.  Maybe you even had someone disagree with you reasonably and even when you ended it with yet another 'let's agree to disagree,' was it worth it?  Maybe so.

Still, it wore you out and all you did was sit at a keyboard and change zero people's minds.  You do that enough times and that proverbial straw breaks the camel's back so, what?  You announce that you're going on a hiatus from social media or swirl around like a shit tornado and tell people if they think a certain way, just delete you.

One day, I started looking back at my wall, at mouthy little rebel Krista and she wasn't unique anymore.  She sounded bitter and pathetic and she wasted a lot of time caring about shit she probably shouldn't have spoken up about.  It's not that we should all stay silent, but I started to see how very ineffectual it all was. If you're discouraged because you think nobody gives a crap, you are right.  And so very wrong.  You see, many people care about the same issues that you do, only 50 more of their friends are bitching about the same exact thing.  People are taking the irrational yet logically presented rants of longtime family and friends and burning all the bridges over it when they used to just grumble behind each other's backs at Thanksgiving dinners (which is now also becoming un-PC because let's also get offended about holidays we never celebrated in context anyway--  unless you ARE religious, most holidays were already just 'get drunk and pig out' days).

We are not becoming more conscious. We are becoming less tolerant and more offended.  It doesn't make us right or wrong, but it's absolutely making us a hot mess.  So yes, I stopped bothering with my main feed.  A hard thing to do because some of my friends are still the nostalgic sort that want to share what their families are doing, adorable animal videos and the kitschy crap that used to make social media worth rolling our eyes over.  I hop over on occasion to say 'hey, if there's anyone left in post-apocalyptic FaceBook, I am really excited to share my work!'  And it's a shame that I can't donate to all 50 places all hit by natural disasters and I'm never inclined to share which charities I do give to besides.  I do want to know how I can actually help fellow human beings and without being told I chose wrong.  Instead, I stick to my book, crochet, and doll groups because I haven't the capacity to spend all my time as a puddle of empathy.  You may already know this, but I'm not that empathetic unless I know you personally.  Nothing personal...

Are we better people if we make ourselves miserable trying to care about everything or all the 'right' things?  I think you know the answer.  

Yours truly was a total asshole (and I love you if you want to say I've always been sweet, but I wasn't myself and I wasn't sweet).  I wasn't that productive when I was doing all the right things.  I went to work, came home miserable, ordered a bunch of shit I didn't need on Amazon to feel better about feeling shitty, was too lazy to do a damn thing other than get worked up on social media.  Ffs, I had a lot to give and here I was, fucking it all up and pretending it was making me socially acceptable.  Since I hung that out to dry, I went to college. Started making incredible friends on the friendlier parts of social media, and holed up to focus on the shit I was good at and forgot how to enjoy for so long before that.  I stopped sniping at the kids in frustration, starting getting along with my parents more.  Learned to do advanced crochet, started collecting dolls that I hadn't outgrown as much as I thought, started listening to disgustingly saccharine pop music and picked up a drawing pen (incredible quality-- how was it not dry from neglect?).  I started working out and stopped snapping at people because I wasn't sacrificing for the 'greater good' anymore.  I had more to give as my time filled with things that meant something to me.  It was fucking terrifying, giving up steady work and dedicating my time to raise my nephews and bust my ass being an artist again.  I would take the terror over the tedium any day.

I don't consider the lessons or time that passed in misery a waste.  I think we all need to learn some things the hard way.  And yes, the age of information sucks.  Sometimes.  But it also keeps me connected to wonderful people, lets me share my work, makes research and curiosity instantaneous, and gives all of us a chance to start over.  I might cringe at that tidal wave of mood swings from the past, but I know how to focus through the paranoia and angst and find those valuable things that I can use to truly give something this world needs.  I don't have the cure for cancer or a universal reform that will solve the economic problems.  I have a drawing pen, some ideas, and an unfailing resolve to be the kind of person the world needs most.  And you?  Be your best self always.

Being Ecclectic: Everything is a Fall-Back Plan?

There are a lot of Jacks-and-Jills-of-All-Trades out there.  It's hardly unique in a modern culture where anything you care to learn is a YouTube tutorial away.  I'm sure people who don't fit the bill even think it must make life easier to be good at or at least absorb so much.

It does.

But not really.  When you're tirelessly educating yourself, your humble brag switch is broken.  There is absolutely no way you can share everything you do and be believably modest.  Even with your ego dial turned down, your excitement is often plenty enough to spark envy. It's probably even impossible to NOT share because of all of the hard work you put in.  Hell, you could probably sit on it for a decade, but it eventually needs a home, whether it's in the spotlight or not.

And yes-- multi-talented people of all kinds are thought to always have a "fall-back plan." I'm sure you've heard sayings along these lines though: jack of all trades, master of none.  Even people with diverse talents tend to still gravitate towards an attempt to master one or two things.  Some of them would love to have always known that ONE thing they wanted to do and instead ended up being good at a lot of things. Good, but maybe not great or excellent.  They might be better than average but competing with the ones in the top of any field might hold certain disadvantages.  Because of this, they do have insecurities and confidence issues sometimes.  Admitting that something they thought they might love doing just isn't working is difficult.  Sometimes they have no clue it's not worth it until they try and square one never become a comfy place to be.

You're an ass to some of the people who inspire you.  You can't just do what someone you admire is doing.  It's not that you're trying to do it better, but even when they think it is, your excitement or lack of confidence even will be seen as deceptive and insulting sometimes.  Maybe you got it down on your first try and it took them years to get it. You're an ass. You might not mean to be, but when you emulate someone, it might demean their hard work.  You can't possibly expect them to be happy for you.  They'll try at first, but you got in their lane.

There's no attempt to vilify either side here.  It's about instances of human understanding and misunderstanding.  The gist of it is that it is yet another perception or idea that keeps putting people in boxes.  Don't know about you-- sick of all the boxes myself. 

On a personal note, I have gone through massive phases of change trying to find where I fit and I've worn too many outfits at once sometimes.  Spent years hopping around unsatisfactory sales jobs.  Went to college--no one thought I'd stick with it but I did.  Afterwards I thought everything would be different.  I tried freelancing and crochet crafting and so much about art fell flat in those places for me.  I kept them as hobbies.  I'm sure many people think writing and illustrating will be more of the same.  Can't say I blame them.  However, writing carried me through the hardest times of isolation and pain, gave me purpose, something I can do when I can barely move.  It was always there-- it's just newborn in visibility.  Honestly I thought it all sucked for a long time.  I scrapped a lot that went south.  The dialogue was cheesy (think bad anime), the characters were shallow, the prose was colorful but a chore to get through (think purple). The series that I am releasing?  I didn't like it for maybe 6 of the 10 years since I started it.  For some reason, I kept getting drawn back.  I think now though that maybe it was a story that was waiting for me to mature into seeing it through.  Maybe someone who always knew what they wanted to be was never going to see it through, but I'm glad I did.

And now I get to be the asshole author that won't shut-up about it.

Everyone's a Critic

So I began a new process this week in my quest for being a published author with zero budget-- the art of beggaring reviewers to critique my work.  You can find compilations of lists online sorting reviewers by genre (a list I'm happy to share for anyone interested).  Spent an entire day sorting through one such list, just going by genre and availability.  There are all sorts of caveats, and rightly so, since it can be difficult to make the waiting list for a freely offered service, especially when all you have to give is a free review copy.  Some will strictly list genres they prefer, some will annoyingly put All Genres (and then tell you you've wasted your effort).

Some insist you fill out a contact form on their site to ask first, some want you to go ahead and attach a copy.  These are the ones that I whiled away most of my time on since it's not a uniform list.  I was happier for the ones that were just an email, a request that you send a copy, no guarantee for a review.

Now, one thing I like to get is critical feedback, you know this.  However, one such reviewer, instead of just denying the application silently, felt entitled to send a message that very briefly informed me they read whatever sample floats on merchant pages and just sent 'your writing is clunky and too telling.  Your book won't be a good fit for me.'  Not only is that an incredibly ambiguous assessment, it was wholly unnecessary.  It only gave me the impression that this person valued their tastes as expertise and feels it necessary to impress themselves upon someone who is making an earnest effort.  I hope to fill the market with such clunky and telling books in the future regardless.  What I could appreciate here is that I'm glad this person jumped ship early and spared me whatever purple prose of a negative review they intended to feel entitled to.  It may be their time I ask for, but let's not forget, my risk and time was certainly not small either.

Another email I got back simply said they'd review it within seven days.  Cool.  I can appreciate hearing back when it's productive.  Most reviewers posted that they wouldn't notify you either if they decide to read it or if they post it.  I only picked reviewers that said they'd give honest feedback and again, most said they still wouldn't give less than 3 Stars on their system because 2 stars is akin to being nearly unreadable and 1 Star means they absolutely couldn't finish it.  As an artist, I'm no stranger to rejection letters, but if I'm going to hear back, I'd rather it be productive or not at all.  I'm just not fond of what amounts to spam and degradation in some pseudo-official capacity.  Stay out of my lane, girl...

Most artists grow a rather thick skin to criticism, but it does exact a toll.  You often see those reports in the news of the 'perfectly happy artist showing no signs of what led to their overdose or demise.'  Don't read too much into this; with all the grief I've been through lately, I'm still determined and not at all complacent towards the reality of the ups and down.  Still, I get it.  When you put yourself out there as a professional, part of your brand is likability.  Letting people see you moping with your doubts can hurt your marketability.  It's not to say you aren't experiencing real happiness, gratefulness, success.  There is just always that undercurrent of anxiety when you are constantly banking on the instability of trends, personality, and taste.  Your fans can turn on you at any minute, your sales could drop, your smile can slip.

First and foremost, critics be damned, I started this journey to make friends, not fans.  I didn't obsessively study the market to find what covers sell and I didn't emulate popular authors to write.  I didn't overhaul my art to reflect the trends toward realism.  I simply put a piece of myself out there, knowing the vulnerabilities it would leave me open to.  You might call it brave or reckless or risky, but I felt complete for having done all of this my way and not always working under the mentality of 'I bet people will love this.' Sure, I love to hear it when they do, but I spent years sitting on my talents and ideas and it was time to take the risk.

I want to say that I apologize if you get sick of hearing about my anecdotes and stories, but remember, I'm a reclusive sort of introvert and much of my experience is about self-reflection and internalizing.  I do hope that my experience with this journey brings me out of my shell more, gives me more to share.  It's still so newborn!  Only two months since I published that first book and, wow, the things you learn in so little time.  Also consider that I do not talk about myself in all the endless month and years I spend working on stories and novels.  This might be your only exposure to my writing thus far and whatever I've said about myself is miniscule in comparison to the time I spend developing characters.

On closing, I might understand what that reviewer had been hinting at.  The beginning of my book is very purposely abrupt and, yes, sometimes I absolutely describe a character right out of the gate, especially when it has a profound effect on another character.  I also realized that I may not have published my final edit where I had made some minor corrections to word choice, particularly a couple that I found in the first sample chapter.  I've gotten better about sorting my files since and I will have corrections to make when I release a compilation.  If it's my style she doesn't like, she's out of luck.  I don't fill my pages with flowery prose.  There are some exceptional writers out there that I could only read once because they used too much filler for my tastes, so I nipped that in the bud.

Like I said, everyone's a critic.  Me too.  You just won't ever catch me brushing someone off in less a paragraph.  And like my dear friend said, no matter how good something is, you'll always catch someone trying to find something wrong with it.  

Don't invest more consideration into any criticism than the time spent on making it and you'll be fine.