Men and Women Writers: Where's the Bias?

This is a topic that tends to come up with frustration on how to explain it, but let's attempt to dissect this a little more.

As you should know by now, I am a female writer and author.  I know there are some fundamental and biological differences between men and women as well as the tendency to be more masculine and feminine.  Being a woman with more masculine traits or vice versa can conflict with society's perception of your identity, but many people who fall into that category are perfectly capable of making the distinction and embracing both their biology and their tendencies.

Some well-meaning people will say that 'there's no problem with how men/women do this' but then admit to what they think are harmless biases that affect their taste.  When writers see this, it can cast odd doubts about whether they wrote 'like a man/woman' and if they should announce it in an attempt to 'warn' their audience.  It's an odd bit of entitlement that some people want assurances on the content of the books before even reading it, especially when a feminine/masculine viewpoint or tone could very well be the whole basis of a surprise premise that could be ruined by assumption.

I caught myself debating.  Sure, I write like a woman, if that means I develop my characters emotionally and they aren't perfect tropes.  Yet, it's silly that such a broad sweep of the brush like that is an acceptable way to lump women together when male writers also use this description without uncomfortable discussions.  

I've seen the argument of inclusion, which is not a gendered desire and also on an individual basis.  Some people want to roleplay a character of their gender.  They call it escapism to retreat into a single character.  Popular books in fantasy are often focused on a main character or two, one male, one female.  When a man does this, I often see it described as his motivation to achieve his goals, that one has value as being a plot device.  In the same turn, if a known woman uses a male and female group, there is the dismissive assumption that it's a romance.  It's not that the male writer did not develop the romance as well, but when a woman writes it, it's a distraction that interrupts the story.

Female writers in fantasy often use initials and the famous example is JK Rowling.  Women going through traditional publishing are often told they can remove any unconscious bias of quality or content by not disclosing they are women.  After all, it's only a female voice if you know it is.  Sure, publishers want to maximize the potential for profit, but they are only perpetuating the bias that there is a gendered difference.

However, when the market at aims at women, they aim low.  I read that a male writer in a female-dominated genre, crime thrillers, said that when he wrote in a woman's voice it was 'simpler, whereas when he wrote as himself it was more subtle and metaphorical.'  Readers in fantasy, however, tend to argue the exact opposite, that men get to the point whereas women work on prose and mood more elaborately.  If you take this to have truth, then it would stand to reason that women writers gravitate towards writing fantasy rather than other popular genres for women because they AREN'T simple writers.  They like to create rich lore and explore characters and motivations in depth. 

This is why I can't stress enough that whether or not you are uncomfortable, diversify your reading.  On purpose.  Choose by taste AND perspective, especially if you've made the blanket assumption that men/women write a certain way. Writers that gravitate towards a certain genre aren't coming with the sinister agenda to tear it down and rebuild it.  You ADD to the existing library, maybe out of a sense that where you've been placed isn't where you go.  So yes, when people assume that you don't go there because their comfort level is challenged, it can be insulting.

I get it, I do.  The YA fantasy genre tends towards women writers that write transparent romance as the entire vehicle.  Ultimately despite that JK Rowling wrote a book that perfectly fit that genre description but it is above par with any expectation you might have had because of the trends that clog it.  It seems like only when an author attains notoriety for being different do we realize that not all books in a genre are the same.

I myself didn't write an 'adult epic fantasy for women.'  I set out to write an epic fantasy.  Because my characters are adults, my premise required them to operate as such.  They use foul language, they have sex without always fading to black...  In a fantasy world with different rules and norms, they also conform or rebel to THEIR society as it pertains to their character and motives. Yes, I think their personal and public lives are relevant and that's why it's an adult story.  Now add 'women' to that and you're attaching a label that places a spotlight onto all other books marketed towards women as 'simple, angsty, emotional.'  I am happy to be a woman.  I am all for not hiding that.  Perceptions do need to change and they won't as long as women are afraid of their voice and their ability to succeed.  However, don't MARKET me as a female author, market me as someone who speaks for the genre, not all women.

I know you might wonder how that affects self-published women like myself who do all of our own marketing.  Well, it works the same way only we keep control rather than worry when our publishers will stop championing us.  The buyer's market is still trying to assume something.  I found it difficult to write a blurb without giving anything away because it's a many-layered beast so I started simply with the first character to make it more personal.  However, because the character is a woman and one that the other characters look up to, I'm sure it set off warning bells.  My alternative that I'm using for the full trilogy release will be vague.  Basically, a group of survivors after a series of attacks, goes on a quest for revenge, only to learn there are much bigger forces at work.  No matter how I try there is simply no way to elaborate that without giving away plot points and I know it sounds trite and common.  I work with it regularly, but to be honest, I never much gave a shit about the blurb myself.  When I didn't have a clear idea of what I wanted to buy already, I'd head over to a genre section and roll the dice.  Didn't care about the cover or the blurb because I've always known not to judge a book by its cover.

However, simpler times...  If these biases existed today, I wasn't hearing them.  Yeah, the internet wasn't a storm of information like it is now.  There's more of everything now, especially opinions.  Because of that there is more potential to flourish, but also more potential to destroy.  What you say and how you say it DOES plant earworms (or the visual/mental equivalent) and harmless statements of 'the way things are' IS harmful to a market that thrives on popular opinion.  The writer's dilemma is often the disparity between the intent of their work and the bias of the market.

And as I've heard said before, most writers are not representative of all of their unconditional parts.  Writers of color are not required to speak for everyone else of color.  Female writers are not representative of all women.  In this way, men do have an advantage because they CAN write without the general assumption that they are making a blanket statement applying to all men.  Yes, I think we can safely say some things are more feminine or masculine and not mean anything harmful.  However, intent and effect are causal and you have to remember that the less descriptive you are, the more room there is to twist it into something harmful.

In this way, I can't blame people for wanting to stay silent sometimes.  Words are things to be carefully considered.  In fact, writers painstakingly attempt to do just that.  It's perfectly fine to stay silent until your words have the power and logic you want them too.  We all have to sort through how we feel and think and not invalidate it in others because it's not how we feel or think.  Being less offended doesn't make you right.  Be unaffected doesn't mean you have the upper hand in logic.  Then again, no extreme gives you clout where assumptions are concerned.  Maybe you did assume something, thinking it harmless.  It's not bad to catch ignorance.  You might even need someone to elaborate so that you are changing your mind based on logic rather than how it benefits them.  

When someone is really about equality and fairness, they aren't trying to kick someone else under the rug.  The aim isn't to have it as good as someone else had it because that just means turning the tables and letting someone else have a turn at being the oppressor.  New generations aren't going to understand taking turns, only which side of a bad decision they were on.  In that respect, you may notice that while I talk about the market bias affecting women, I am also conscious of how it reflects badly on EVERYONE.  

Women don't want to be lumped in as fluffy writers (although if you are and it works for you, no shame in that either) and men don't want to be lumped in as the problem.  When you see me talking about these issues in forums, I am very clear that the bias also exists in women!  The debate here isn't woman vs. man at all so much as market bias vs. women.  In the example I gave, even though men do the same in crime thrillers, the discovery that they are men does not hurt them in the market.  Even women I have spoken with admit that a female voice sometimes makes them uncomfortable because the visibility of female authors has been so low, that a woman's voice isn't something they are used to. They also often believe that any romance written by women somehow clouds the story or that the writing will be colorful but flighty and shallow.  And yes, people will parrot popular books even when it was a lukewarm read for them.  People like the idea of having a lot of people to talk with about a book.  In that way, the success of a book IS about visibility.  If certain books are being dismissed by 'harmless' biases, they fade into obscurity.  Women are not trying to faze men out-- they want to be a part of the discussion because they are just as passionate.

You don't cook delicious food by adding the same ingredient over and over.  It would be boring if a recipe were paprika and more paprika.  We also don't have to add EVERYTHING into a pot.  Strawberries and paint shavings aren't a match.  The problem with trying to debate any topic is that someone tends to love their straw men.  You know what I'm talking about before I even say it.  You express your concern with Puerto Rico and someone pipes up 'but there are starving kids in Africa.'  Yes, and we don't like that either, but start another thread and go to town.  More than one problem can exist at a time and we are capable of caring about more than one, but please-- help people gain some insight.  The world is full of half-baked knowledge. As long as we duck in and out of conversations without any resolution we aren't learning anything but hearsay.  I promise I'm probably already on several different threads already and each one of them has at least one person wondering if they should feel guilty for not focusing on something else...

Phew, I know this was a long one, guys, and the longer they are, the more my focus wanders, but I feel fairly confident it all fits with the post heading.  I'd love to keep some posts short and sweet but it can be quite difficult with layered topics like this.  As a rule, I try to see the good in people.  Experience has made me cynical, but in all honesty, when I can connect with people socially and individually, my perceptions do expand more than attempting to engage a group discussion.  I tend to single people out and ask them questions as diplomatically as possible.  I'm never trying to put people on the spot and make them look bad and while I am direct, I also like to assure them that I am not making my problems override theirs.  It can be hard to do-- the internet is largely full of people who like to put people on the defensive.  My intent is to disabuse people of that.  

That's a good tip I can leave you with today: operate on curiosity.  Try not to join a discussion with the intent of being heard.  Look for answers, look for views, look to unruffle feathers and find someone's rational argument.  People are often afraid to play what they might think of as a passive role, but when you take someone out of their comfort zone, they are more likely to explain why if you don't taunt or belittle a sore spot.  One guy I talked to had mentioned that he was someone that read male-dominated roles so he could include himself in that role.  I was curious to know why he didn't branch out so I started with the assurance that wanting inclusion can be cool, but what made him uncomfortable about a more omnipotent view or a woman's role?  He admitted that he would probably have a field day with a psychologist, but his own trials in life made his need for escapism to eliminate his presence as a reader.  While literally escaping into a book is also a kick-ass premise for fantasy, he was doing the next best thing for him.  I'm never one to judge someone for being weird, so I appreciated the candor.  I wasn't trying to force him to diversify or confront things he would need to see a therapist for-- it was important that he knew that.  What he was doing for himself isn't wrong, but he was having difficulty explaining why he avoided a woman's voice and, since he did attempt to choose his words well, I think he deserved for his words to be heard right and also not perpetuate a bias.  To summarize, ask your hard-hitting questions, but give someone the security to answer honestly.  If you think you're going to dig the truth out of everyone by being tactless, you will barely brush the surface.  When you want to know, humble yourself to the task.

See, this is why I write novels...  I can't really leave on any note without kicking and screaming... with diplomacy, of course. 

On Creativity

I'm sure people wonder just what all I do creatively.  While writing is the thing taking center stage at this point, many of my longtime FaceBook and real-life friends know it goes way beyond that.

You always hear it: I was an artist since the very first time I picked up a crayon.  We all were.  I never say it; it's pretty common.  At some point, a lot of might have realized we weren't very good at it, didn't enjoy it, were shy about people seeing it, and so on and moved on to other things.  I just didn't.  While I've never been particularly boastful about it and I've lacked confidence like everyone else, all an artist ever needed was that other cliché: passion.

I'll see a lot of doubt when I try to explain that.  Well, you probably REALLY wanted to be a better artist or still do, but no amount of passion is making you BETTER.  So what do I add to that?  Attitude? Confidence?  Maybe, but over the years I haven't had any abundance of those.  Natural talent?  Sure, but that doesn't stop people from getting better.  So practice, then?  Well, of course, but people want to know how I draw like I do.  I draw what I'm interested in, maybe.  I even find it difficult to draw on commission at times because of that.  It's never been about the audience, but I love to share.  One thing I have noticed over time is that I have a unique perspective/perception.

I am absolutely terrible at drawing things just by looking at them.  I know that probably sounds off too because I use a ton of visual sources when I'm getting an idea of what I want to draw.  But those are for my brain to shelf for later use.  I'm not teaching myself how to draw- I'm teaching myself how to see and begging my hand to cooperate.  I can't teach curiosity or how to 'see'.  I can teach you on a technical level and you can translate that, maybe discipline your hand.  A lot of people tell me they have shaky hands or some other disability.  I have shaky hands, carpal tunnel and fibromyalgia, things that started surfacing in my mid-twenties.  It absolutely took drawing away from me for a while.  I wanted it back bad enough that I started doing yoga, wearing wrist braces, and strengthening however I could.  I started with just taking long walks, doing light workout videos then built up to PiYo, P90X &X3...  Don't assume this was easy.  It took me the better part of 5 years to work for it, but I WANTED it.  Because passion.

Funny thing is I got better at drawing even when I couldn't because I was still 'seeing.'  I was absorbing things I wanted to try, things I noticed more keenly.

This isn't just about drawing though. I tend to do crafts with very little instruction and just wing it.  I do Perler Bead crafts, basically pixel art and often don't use visual aids.  I started customizing dolls with outfits I designed and stitched by hand.  I learned everything about crochet in 3 months and went to town on that.  I've done dresses for my dolls, elaborate blankets, I can make my own patterns and make things I see on sight.  I'm not keen on math, but I use a shit ton of it in design, pattern making and problem solving.  When I did the ASVAB test in school for career placement, my top job recommendation was coding for the FBI or military.  Bet you didn't know that one...  

If I weren't an artist, I would have gone into science.  People assume that artists are all rattle-brained hipsters, but art is about visual analytics too.  If you didn't know this stuff, it's because I know exactly how it looks reading it.  It looks like boasting and I'm fully aware of that.  It was never important to me.  However, if I'm going to be earnest about blogging my experiences, you should know just what I'm about.  Keep this in mind-- one of my favorites quotes:

No matter how you're tested in any system, I truly believe everyone has something they excel at.  Whether you're too busy, lacking confidence or whatever, it's there waiting to be discovered.  Maybe you won't, but you are full of potential.  Because I have always believed it, even when I had no clue where I was going with it, I just kept on plugging away at what I enjoyed.

I have mental challenges too, but I hesitate to talk about that because in many ways, talking about those tends to make people believe that it 'explains everything.'  Yes, I have a very unique brain, I will say that much.  It sometimes works against me.  While I can be a ridiculous overachiever, it can take a good deal of warring with destructive impulses before I can use them.  I've also learned how to wrangle those to an extent.  I have social limitations and I can get overwhelmed, but we all live with hiccups.  I am incredibly indebted to a father that has made my life steady enough that I don't need medication.  I went that route once before and it was an existence, not a life.

I think it's really important for anyone to understand they aren't alone.  Don't let your setbacks be the thing you obsess on as making you unique.  We are more than our problems.  Yes, huge failure can follow success.  You can never rest on your laurels.  But when you find the 'thing' for you, you will never want to.  You will never ever be bored at least.

In Pillows, No One Can Hear You Scream

I've spent a bit of time looking at demographics, marketing, success and failure, probably working myself into the wrong mindset, but the wrong mindset is one of my superpowers.

I keep reverting back to the thing that matters: I love what I do.  Every. Damn. Step.

I've begun to have a rhythm to my workflow.  The books for this series are written, but it didn't stop there.  I've started two more fantasy stories, a romance novel, a sci fi crime novel and a couple of ideas that sit in my DUMB ASS notebook where I've started writing all the things I forget how to do when I haven't done them in a few months.  I still read them, to edit and to enjoy, and I don't get sick of them.  Regardless of how they sell, they are so ME that I remove my doubts when I remind myself of that.

I'm probably not going to get any badass points for appealing to the market trends, but it was exactly what I needed to express and exactly what I wanted from the genre and the cause.  Yes, I would love to get critical feedback to improve, but hell, I'll still write in my echo chamber and love the forest for the trees.

I've made amazing friends out of female authors of varying success.  Don't get me wrong-- I've tried to befriend the males too but the camaraderie never happens.  Sometimes they're wildly successful.  Then again, some of my gals are too but they seem to see more value in building relationships with other authors.  There's a lot of denial that it's a boys club and I didn't want to believe it because I enjoy epic fantasy, but the fact remains, there are men that will admit things like not wanting to read a female main character, don't like the female perspective, need moar swords, etc.  I respect the honesty but at the same time, fuck all that.  I'm not anti- or pro- feminism but there's been a sickening show of bias in the most prominent fantasy fan groups.  But you know what?  I don't want their audience or negativity if they just intend to use those biases to dampen my ambitions.  They may not be my favorite people, but I'm also not going to pout and cry bigotry because that's a giant waste of time and energy I could spend building valuable friendships and doing what I love.

Ah, the drawing is something I'm more intimately aware of and I don't quite get the same reservations.  I've had a thick skin here because it's always been my first love.  Can't you draw anything realistic?  First time I hear that, I was probably 12 years old and I had narrowed my eyes and told him I draw what I like.  And it's always been true.  I've had so much frustration trying to draw things with that universal appeal but absolutely no affect on me.  So I don't.  I can draw like that, but it feels like trying to draw mechanically with someone else's hand.  I stopped caring if people didn't like my style or thought I should impress people with realism.  I see tons of people doing it and it's undoubtedly awesome, but none of it really sticks with me.  Im still captivated by the anime styles and the influence Disney always had on me and THAT is what moves me.

So from the beginning, I've had to face the fact that I'm not highly marketable.  I've looked after the niche market of one. I have not a single clue how to get feedback and I've stopped wasting time worrying about it.  I maintain visibility.  I post something new every week on every social media channel I signed up for.  I stay positive (but do disclose the reality on my blogs-- it does other authors no good, myself included, to suppress any human doubt or discouragement).  I love my work and I will continue to do it because I have a life goal of filling a shelf with my printed books.  And when that's done, I'll probably want to fill another.

Whatever awaits me, I often have to grab that pillow and scream.  Sometimes to muffle excitement, sometimes to let out some frustration.  Mostly so I don't scare the neighbors. I'm a professional-- frustration is no casual acquaintance of mine.  Frenemies maybe.  Do people still use that word?  Oh, that's right, I'm a fantasy author that adds hundreds of words with red squiggly lines on a weekly basis.  We don't really care what's in fashion.  We build worlds.

So even at my low points, I sometimes have remember why I started this.  Why, at my lowest points, I wiped away the tears, swallowed the pain, and picked up that pen.  Whether you want to see more or not, I'm spamming your book retailers with my catalog.  I promise I'm not giving up.  I've been through hell and I've got plenty left to give.

Collection of Cover Art Uncovered

This is a bonus post I plan on adding the full image of my copyrighted book covers to as the books become available.  You get to see the full uninterrupted pictures in their original glory!

Book 1: Heroes Trilogy Volume 1 (August 7)
The Truth About Heroes: One of Many

Book 2: Heroes Trilogy Volume 2 (September 17)

The Truth about Heroes: Two Sides to Everything

Book 3: Heroes Trilogy Volume 3(February 2018)
The Truth about Heroes: Menage a Trois

 The Truth about Heroes: Complete Trilogy (February 2018)

Book 4: World Trilogy Volume 1 (April 20th, 2018)
A World Reborn: Children of Heroes

 *the final book cover was arranged differently but I enlarged the characters and placed them closer together to give you a better view.

Book 5: World Trilogy Volume 2 (May 11, 2018)
A World Reborn: Higher Reasoning

Book 6: World Trilogy Volume 3 (June 1, 2018)
A World Reborn: Deicide

A World Reborn: Complete Trilogy Edition (June 1, 2018)

Book 7: Universe Trilogy Volume 1 (June 15, 2018)
Each Endless Universe: Close Encounters

Book 8: Universe Trilogy Volume 2 (June 29, 2018)
Each Endless Universe: Dual Decisions

Book 9: Universe Trilogy Volume 3 (July 11, 2018)
Each Endless Universe: Original Sin

Each Endless Universe: Complete Trilogy Edition (July 11, 2018)

Creative Blocks and How to Build with Them

You're always told there are ways to overcome a block in your progress.  Maybe you actually have a Point A and B, a plan to start and a plan to finish, but it's that dastardly middle that keeps you pinned with indecision.

Sometimes it's a paralyzing sort of thing.  People will say to just start putting things down outside of your main project, doesn't matter what it is just write/draw/move but there's this very real block holding you immobile.  So maybe they suggest stepping away from everything, but it's still taking over your mind every chance it gets.

I myself either have extreme obsessive focus or am completely unable to stick to any one thing at all.  Once this was a thing I was conscious of, I let that guide which options were feasible.  When I am ready to focus with razor precision and I have the confidence for the main project, that's the one I'm doing.  Maybe my hyperfocus isn't confident, so I'll take that time to filter either non-fiction into a blog or fanfic when it's a creative bug.  Sometimes it's writing that is the problem altogether.  This goes the same way-- try the main projects.  No good?  Move onto a leisure project.  Sometimes that hyperfocus can last a full 'shift': 8+ hours.  Other times, I might get a few hours followed by the sudden urge to flit around.  These used to strike me as a sudden block, a source of panic, but I've learned to see them as building blocks that help shift my talents to where they are most valuable.

This sort of organized chaos might not be a good solution for people on a deadline.  In that case, I don't really have good advice for you.  I am not brilliant with deadlines and my only strategy is to extend if possible, panic and do your best otherwise.  Rushed work can still be spectacular, but often you'll feel less confident in the results.  Especially if it's your own damn fault for putting it off.

Maybe you had plenty of time, but you didn't know how to build from blocks.  It doesn't hurt to try it.  If you don't have enough options, it's a good time to start some hobbies.  There are a lot of inexpensive and free options and you aren't wasting time when you decide it's not for you.  Finding out both sates your curiosity and helps you become more attuned to yourself.

Ah, but wasting time is a sentiment I am not fond of.  People use it in a very bitter sense to describe failed relationships, failed projects, etc. and it may be a failed effort, but it is not a waste of time.  You might get anal-retentive about time management (your method of building made me WASTE MY TIME for an hour before I could start getting anything done).  Yeah, it's not for everyone, but I can tell you now, I am far more productive than ever.  Ask anyone who hears about what I do in a day and they will call me an overachiever.  Sometimes they feel a tad underachieving, but mostly my victories tend to motivate people.  Sometimes I go months with nothing to show and then I'll roll out ten projects at once and come off as a wunderkind.  Things are done in smaller parts but I am always able to dedicate my total passion and maximum focus to everything I do.

The concept is pretty simple: try until it pulls you in.  Sometimes you have to go a full 15 minutes at a project to decide it's something to stick with.  You might roll your eyes and whine at yourself that it's a waste of time, it's not working then bam, you lied to yourself.  Not everything you can do is going to be something you're 100% about.  Be willing to waste a little time to utilize your potential.  That hour of indecision might lead to a 12 hour working day.

On a side note, I would not advise working this kind of time STRAIGHT.  Be smart about this.  There are studies always reminding people, aim for a 5 minute break every hour.  Don't try to combine your breaks, like deciding you'll just take 25 minutes in 5 hours.  This is how people end up with deep vein thrombosis or those nasty clots that kill you without warning.  Break consistently even if you have to walk around in an impatient haze and shove a handful of almonds in your mouth.  I know how creativity can be an obsession, but your productivity, energy, and health levels will tank over time.  Sometimes it takes years before you realize you reached rock bottom on bodily neglect.  Don't panic that a break will create a block.  If you're a long way from a comfortable stopping point,  jot some notes and you'll have what you need to charge back in.  

Creative blocks suck, but the mandatory ones where you hurt yourself or run yourself into a forced hiatus are far worse.  I had crocheted so much one time that I incurred a painful (and revolting) condition called trigger thumb.  I woke up every morning and pop! The tendon would crack sickeningly when I had to move it to ease the pain of immobility.  I thought it might snap entirely.  And this lasted six weeks.  Six weeks where I couldn't use that hand at all or risk permanent damage.  So next time you swear you are young enough or healthy enough in your current state to ignore any sound advice,  you're wrong.  And I told you so.  File that for future lamentation.  RSIs happen at any age, regardless of your health, and if you rely on your hands for a living, it can cost you even more.

Create responsibly.  Although I absolutely hope you test all other limits of people's imaginations, take care of your mental and physical health first and foremost.

A Weeeeee Bit of Vanity

I don't want to spoil my books or tell people anything to influence the experience, but sometimes I labor intensely to describe them without giving anything away.  The blurb is often said to be the hardest part-- trying to hook interested readers without giving away the juicy bits.  It seems the richer a story, the harder that gets!  We end up reducing it down to "It's about a person that meets these other people, who have this in common, and they face adversity trying to solve this problem..."

I have to admit, I read my blurbs and I'm never satisfied.

My series is set in a made-up world.  It has cultural influences loosely based on places I know about, either naturally or through research.  At first, I had written the first chapter after playing Final Fantasy XII over a decade ago.  If you played the game and thought it oddly familiar you know why.  Princess Ashelia's kingdom is invaded on her wedding day, her betrothed is killed in the attack.  It was a scene that had a lot of impact on me at the time and it's still powerful.  From there, I broke away from inspiration.

You may be able to see inspirations from Dragon Age as well although I had never played the game until I was partway into the fifth book of my series.  I was blown away by how similar my concept was and was a bit chagrined, thinking the comparison would definitely be noticed.  Only I was still using a more adult-oriented Final Fantasy direction.

My fascination while writing these books was the discrepancies between history and legend.  How often those lines are vastly blurred due to a bias or someone attempting to fill in the missing pieces.  When writing lore, I used a very basic concept of gods and their creations, a concept found in a lot of mythology.  In the second trilogy, I borrow very obviously from a semi-familiar mythology but place a very different spin on it...

I've warned people that these books are not for children because I don't fade to black on sex scenes (if I find relevance in their details) and they are all over the map in terms of what people are comfortable with.  I don't hold your hand and tell you what to enjoy or what not to enjoy.  There is no wrong answer.  It's your experience throughout, not just regarding this.

The problem with the blurb is, well, you could attempt to reduce each of my points into one sentence and you end up with something like this: A story that questions the validity of history and legend, inspired by Final Fantasy and Dragon Age, in yet another made-up world.  Oh, and there's sex in it.

I don't have to tell you what is wrong with that.  

Dress it up however you want, it just doesn't cover the richness that ten years of work and doing everything myself might entail.  Instead, I have to pick a theme that runs the gamut of the book and it's the woman you meet at the beginning attempting to lead others against questionable foes and the relationships that develop between them influencing whether they succeed or fail.  She isn't the main character.  The chapters are set up like short stories from an omnipotent and sometimes intimate viewpoint where each character plays the role in both assuming a hero's role (when they don't particularly feel like one) and the fact that luck and forces out of their control set them there with no guarantees they are needed or wanted for the role.  

One thing you learn about heroes is they rarely ever know it and they usually get embarrassed or shocked the first time they are called one.  I hinted at this in the title even: The Truth about Heroes.

I hesitate to tell you more because I'm not here to influence how you think.  I want to invoke your curiosity on how I do this, what relevance this fantasy has, all on your own.  I was hoping only that you wouldn't see it as fantasy and assume it was skin deep.  When you scratch the surface, you start to see the layers.  I did not write with an intense knowledge of the genre or what sells or what to emulate.  I wrote a story based on a passion for storytelling and the confidence in its value.

Please give it a try! From October 1st-5th, the e-book for the first book is available for free and I encourage people to read it and even visit me at Virtual FantasyCon October 15th-22nd where I can answer your questions or hear your thoughts.

I blog, I write fanfic, but I don't have awards or competitions under my belt, something I am seriously considering if not for any other reason than curiosity.   There are many authors that stayed under the radar before they gathered the courage to put themselves out there.  Wow, did I fly in blind, but I have no less confidence that I have a lot to offer readers.  Barring tastes, it is sound work that will only get better.  I plan to dabble in other genres and ideas, but I do hope to keep a steady center in fantasy.  

But muh diversity...

It's been whispered about in fantasy groups about the fiascos concerning the Hugo and Nebula awards and it's taken me some time to catch up on the politics of the situation.  I haven't yet reached the point where I feel some desperate need to collect these coveted writing awards, but the way I'm seeing grown adults bicker about it, I'm also in no hurry.

That sinister diversity agenda...  And I say this sarcastically because I don't see it as sinister, nor do I see it as an opportunity to vilify white men who are constantly being blamed for why diversity isn't being awarded.  I have to admit, I'm far too out of the loop in popular entertainment to weigh in on whether or not there is a conspiracy for or against diversity.  I can tell you that under no circumstances would I be okay with accepting an award just to be some politically correct token female.  I'd like to belive that I've earned it.

I've had the pleasure of reading some of NK Jemisin's blog (I even used her feminization post as a discussion point of my own) but not her Fifth Season book.  In the process of making my own books, I tried to limit my exposure to other work to write my own work.  Everything I've seen from her indicates someone dedicated to the craft and someone who has put in her paces.  She is not a "diversity or feminist" agenda writer.  She does not purposely use those facets of herself to sell books.  All that I have seen of hers even shows that she has even on occasion written for the market.  She doesn't appear to be setting out to wipe out and redefine the genre.  She is a true fan of the genre, she just has her own voice.

I'm not sure where to even weigh in on this.  Sure, the internet is full of racist, sexist, chose your -ist bigots, but I think there is also a lot of bigotry coming out of the social justice set.  There are absolutely people who champion diversity to the point of ignoring quality because there need to be x amount of this oppressed group for it to be objective. In an age of self-publishing, no one is being silenced here and anyone has the opportunity to use their keyboards to attempt masterpieces.

I get it-- the problem is no one is doing it and when anyone attempts it, they are more likely to become a poster child than to have their work looked at objectively.  It absolutely sucks that the quality of entertainment is going down because half-assed directors are trying to cash in on lukewarm ideas.  However, try as you might, you can't fault Jemisin.

I've seen her passion and she's diplomatic and professional.  She defines herself and she's not quick to see the worst in people. She is a part of a society that does not ban her from having a platform, even if there are plenty of ankle-biters accusing of her of something sinister.  Meanwhile, you get these obvious groups trying to game an awards system and telling everyone how to vote.  I can't say for certain without interjecting a bias that I can't conclusively say exists, but they assume that sales or so-called fan feedback somehow shows she falls short of deserving a nomination let alone an award.

Maybe you haven't heard but Amazon is currently being plagued with fake books, people using click farms to cash in on the pages-read system, and false accounts made to plant reviews.  Insofar, the only thing they've been able to police is author-swaps where authors agree to read each other's work and write reviews.  Which I think is a terrible thing to forbid.  Not only can authors establish a rapport and trust with others who understand artistic integrity, but it assumes that all of them will only post favorable or false reviews in exchange for their beta reads.  So things like sales and exposure aren't reliable numbers to determine either quality or who deserves it more.  It's just more gaming the system.

Diversity is always a hot button issue but the truth is, we don't need more agendas.  We need more artists to write what ignites their passion.  We need to consider all things based on their own merits.  Don't read my books just because I'm a woman; read them because I told a damn good story.  

I don't need a hugbox or a safe space.  I've come to the point I am in life because of what I've overcome.  I am who I am because life isn't fair.  I'm never going to accept any societal norm that says someone is better than someone else or demean someone's struggle because 'there are more important things.' that's the way I have always been.  I don't care who you are-- if I can help you, I will, provided you don't feel entitled to it. I don't tolerate disrespect.  I am not going to come on the internet and champion everyone who is perceived to have some disadvantage.  Assuming others need you to speak for them is assuming they are too inferior to do so.  I will stand with someone while they defend themselves but they have a voice.  Also, tell me to shut up and you'll probably be next on my shit list.  Even if you're right, silencing me just lost my vote.

I truly don't know what to think of all the generalizations these days.  When I use a general statement, I like to try to reiterate that I'm painting with a broad strokes and it does not speak for anything but a specific majority that does fit it.  It's like clothes off the rack though.  Some of us don't have off the rack bodies and you're even less likely to find an off the rack mind.

By all means, encourage your friend that thinks their ideas aren't marketable to publish anyway.  Just don't belittle their work by reducing it to propaganda.  Propoganda is so much toilet paper and everyone deserves better.

Featuring Artists

It's not just about self-promotion!  Sometimes you really just want to help out a few friends who could use some traffic and someone to take a gamble on them.  Today, I'm featuring Joe Maley, Matt Roberts, and Ditrie Bowie.  I suggest you check them out and I'll tell you why...

Saturday Morning Cheap Seats with Joe Maley

Straight to the front page of the channel for you.  If you missed my last blog post "On Brain Graveyards", I brought up why you need to give him a serious watch.  He doesn't fancy himself a creative type, but that's also what is endearing.  He's down-to-earth and he doesn't overload you with his biases.  You'll know his taste, how it compares to other movies you might have been interested in, and what you might get out of it.  He might joke about ratings, but you never feel guilty about disagreeing.  I'd love to go on and on about it, but see it for yourself!

Hand One is Dealt by Matt Roberts

or check out his blog Martians Attack!

Matt Roberts is a horror enthusiast and knows his shit.  Despite my being credited for the cover, this is all his show.  It's his first entry as a novelist, but he is also active as a NaNoRiMo participant when he can and the 13 Stories gig. (If you're reading this, Matt, I'm happy to post some side links).  He's always wanted to be a writer and it shows in the dedication and talent.  His blog often features funny videos and rants on his experience as an Uber driver, to name a couple.  I'm not even a horror fan in particular, but I really dig his work.

Fillius Glint by Ditrie Bowie

Again, this is someone who has creative writing in the bag.  Our acquaintance started as classmates at Full Sail where she was earning a degree in creative writing while teaching music at the Savannah Arts Academy.  I've had the pleasure of reading her blogs and she is light, humorous, and contemporary, making subtle life observations that encourage you to delight in the simple things.  She's passionate about charity and even made a page on FaceBook where she helps other writers gain momentum.  In fact, she gave Matt a nice springboard when he was starting out.  Again, I'd love to post more direct links since she has had some great blogs out there.  She's an ecclectic writer so she's everywhere and I'd need a little help narrowing it down!

I don't have a lot of traffic on this newborn blog, but every little bit helps!  I'd love to keep featuring artists that are clearly in it for the enjoyment and whose talent I can vouch for.  

On Brain Graveyards

Often, the reclusive artist doesn't have these amazing stories to tell (outside of the stories they are diligently pounding out on a keyboard already), so the inspiration for a blog post usually has more humble beginnings.  In this case, "brain graveyards" are something that often come up for my creative friends and I and worth some introspection and maybe advice.

First, let me plug one of my friend Joe's current YouTube videos.  Personally, I think videos are something that take a lot of courage.  You not only do you have to have a clear voice and an enthusiastic tone, you have to have a topic interesting enough that you can talk about it with finesse.  I myself am not an avid movie goer, but I always find his insights and banter charming and witty.  He's always been passionate about it and his reviews don't tell you to like or dislike, he just lets you know if it might be the movie for you.  He always has these little tidbits of fact that I enjoy and he's adventurous.  Sometimes he does single shot videos where he researched it and scripted it to add more, sometimes he's with a friend or two and they banter about it.  There's also a rum-laced version.  He's always thinking of new ways to present his ideas and I'm really happy to save his video line-up for a cookie-baking day.

And how can you resist those pretty faces?

That being said, back to the topic at hand-- brain graveyards.  It's a term that can take on a lot of forms, but for the artist breaking into a new endeavor, the struggle is real.  In this case, it often has little to do with the creative.  Your friends and family are along for the ride and you've even picked up a couple of curious pioneers.  You absolutely love your fanbase, but when it's so difficult to pick up more visibility, you start to wonder what you're doing wrong.

And you're not doing anything wrong.  Society is burdened with choice, the market is skeptical, you're probably promoting anywhere you can as subtly as possible.  Still, you're having those times when you aren't seeing the numbers move.  Your work is wonderful in its own right, but what else can you do?

In my case, a lot of my visibility efforts have shifted away from just the posting on social media.  Of course, most of my efforts to put my toe in the water take time to bear fruit.  In October, I'm promoting my first ebook as free for the first five days.  I would have loved to do for a full month, but I will keep using that promotion whenever I can.  This won't be of much help to my friends that are already offering their work for free and just allow people to make donations.  If you are offering your work free and don't have that set-up, do it.  Attach your link to everything.  I have also had an interview with a reputable book blogger, the lovely Cynthia A. Morgan over at Booknvolume, who likes to use her traffic to help other new artists gain visibility.  I will link that on October 8th when it is published.  I also queued up for a virtual convention Virtual FantasyCon, which is a relatively new platform where fantasy authors are coming together on social media to gain visibility and interact with people who might be curious about what new and established authors are doing in the genre.  It's certainly not for lack of effort.  I'm always looking at local writers' conventions and I've considered collaborative efforts as well as fanfic and competitions.  I have a plan, but...

Even I have those moments of doubt.  I am confident in my work, ready to defend my choices and styles and output, but another rare commodity is constructive feedback.  It's hard to ask people to dedicate their time towards inspection and promotion.  Sometimes they're hesitant to tell you what's bad and sometimes they really enjoy it and there's little to say about how you can improve (even though there's no way something is perfect-- some people just don't want to nitpick and cheapen the good experience).  

The brain graveyard starts burying things like confidence and unearths doubts and fears.  While it's not good to entirely bottle those feelings up, you are now a brand, a business, and you have to carefully choose how you voice those doubts.  Blogging is a great way to express your very human fragility, but under no circumstances are you to make your current fans feel less important or valid by screaming 'WHY IS NOBODY BUYING THIS?!'  They aren't 'nobody' and even the ones that did not pay or review, their personal experience and support is equally if not MORE valuable in the long run.  Despite your frustrations, share it with the market, don't downgrade your current fanbase.

Marketing itself is super tricky.  There's only so much you want to hit social media without getting yourself unfollowed/unfriended/ignored for the tactless way you attack people with information.  Post about the harder facts, the releases, the promotions, your gratefulness for the support.  Use your outlets wisely.  There are still people out there that need the thrill of discovery, to believe that finding you was what they needed.  That is never something you can force on people.  When you are doing all of the work yourself, you are often NOT going to be the best advocate.  Of course, you believe in your work, but how much does it resonate with the people you're marketing to?

There are other brain graveyards, pitfalls that stem from your slow emergence.  Those creative blocks, those dips in motivation.  I know it's not so simple as just silencing them, but pick up your preferred method of expression and just start doing.  This is where blogging and fanfic excel for me.  Keep doing things where the only reward is learning and doing.  Remember, the minute your frustration turns to the people that didn't 'fall in line,' you're going to lose people.  They cannot force their friends and family to like you; in fact, they may be the black sheep even among their closest circles and their niche tastes are already tolerated, but not embraced.  Yes, word of mouth is important, but it needs very specific and sincere voice to be of any use.

I absolutely enjoy giving advice on this.  I'm not someone who is above this struggle and I have a lot to learn myself, but I will tell you, you are going to have to discipline your attitude.  People want to see your passion for your work and you can't confuse them by assaulting them with your doubt.  If they want that innermost dialogue, they know where to go.  If they want to see your events, they have the links.  If they don't have time, respect that time.  They're not out to get you or see you fail, they just have their own struggles.  Be grateful when someone says they want to put your book on their shelf in the future.  Thank them, leave it at that, believe that that day will come and not in your acceptable windows.  I know you've probably already told yourself a lot of these things, but read them again and make them into a mantra.  On my tablet, I actually have a memo widget on the screen where my first to-do is :

"No brain graveyards!  You are talented, you are loved, you are necessary."

Because it's easy to forget that.  It's so damn easy to forget the little things, to let it cloud your passion and what you put into it.  It's not because you're stupid or worthless or people hate you.  You are self-criticizing because maybe some practical part of you started comparing yourself to someone else's success or your reasonable expectations gave way to impatience.  Even the most seasoned artists to do it.  Take inventory.  Your inventory may not be long.  Personally, I am proud I have degrees in my field that gave me the knowledge to self-publish and design.  I am proud of the courage it took to say it's finally ready after x amount of years falling in love with it over and over again.  Hell, you can even be a little negative and say "Even though there are technically better artists, I love my style and I want to share it."

Don't sit in dark places.  Name them and put them behind you.  Even without knowing you or your skill level, you always have room to improve, to adopt the right attitudes, to apologize and acknowledge you are still learning.  Do your work anonymously sometimes, find visibility through other outlets that don't have your name on it so you can be a little bolder without worrying about how it affects your brand.

Haaaaa, I realize I am using command words, but it's so much easier to state them as something you can do rather than be wishy-washy.  You have options that don't include giving up.  Grow and learn and don't forget to ignite those passions.  I'm pulling for you!

Literary Shmiterary, Peddle that Smut!

I have to say, it's one of my favorite topics to revisit...

It's hard to establish yourself as a serious author.  Even if humor is your genre, you ultimately want to be seen as one.  It's clearly not a literal term.  Lump it in with words like 'real' or 'dedicated' if you must, but what most of us want is to be visible.  We did the time and we want to share!

Writers perhaps are a dime a dozen.  We live in a time where everyone is 'working on a book' or dumping every errant thought into social media, touting how 'real' they are, one-HUNDRED, cutting-edge, no holds barred!  Only being bluntly honest sometimes has the effect of coming off as so much shallow bluster and bravado.  I'm not talking about writers here...

Whether you choose to go traditional, self-published, or a hybrid, this post is more aimed at the official act of considering your work ripe for a paid market.  Sure, there are also the web-published, 'read it for free, donate if you want' set and even as a published author, I went through the paces of setting up a Patreon.  Maybe you bought my work and you want to do more to help me achieve my writing and/or personal goals.  I certainly won't weigh in on the wisdom of being in the free market and still profiting off of what people think you are worth.  Takes plenty of balls, of the male or female variety, as well.

There's a certain amount of courage involved in setting a price tag on your skills as an artist.  It's a market that people feel most confident about haggling the cost.  People crowd the free book section of the internet or look for a pirated source, all too happy to tell you who does it better and that they can get it cheaper. Despite all that, there is still the stigma that it is somehow easier to work in an area you are passionate about.  Rather than seeing all of the blood, sweat, and tears that goes into painstakingly learning and mastering a skill, they see the few seconds, hours, days at most, spent looking at the results.  Even with my wearable crafts, the enjoyment or trend is usually temporary and often not equal to the quality or durability of the item.

We either follow the trends or ignore them and regardless of that choice, another set of obstacles is ready.  Follow the trends and you're a passionless wave-riding soul sucker out to make a quick buck, but ignore them and you're not business-savvy or you're trying too hard.  There's really a laundry list of accusations that you may deal with there...

Laying out some of the groundwork here, you'll see the tip of the iceberg in the hurdles to writing.  This brings me to my favorite topic: smut in literature.  If there is anything that brings more controversy to the table, it's the interesting and absurd comments that come from this one.  I personally enjoy that bit of liberation in my writing. And yes, admittedly it is much more prevalent a demand in the female audience.  I've discussed this with one of my best friends, that women are geared to get a lot more physical enjoyment from reading smut than in actual pornography sometimes.

This may be a little TMI for some of you, but let's inject some personal experience.  Because sometimes the more erotic elements DO get me a little hot and bothered, I have to be particularly dedicated to going back to edit it many, many times, regardless of whether I am in the mood to be hot and bothered again.  I think looking at it in my most frigid moments really helps me find the literary value past the gimmick though.  Now, if you're a lover of women, either as a woman or a man or some gender-queer variation, then you understand that one of the most necessary elements in our ability to enjoy sex isn't the orgasm; it's the foreplay.  It is not a purely physical state.  We often do derive this state through some visual enjoyment of our partner or some imagined partner, but there is a sort of mental collective that is often built solely on our ability to imagine what we want out of the experience.  It doesn't mean our lovers aren't necessary, if one is present, since there are many things that can be done that enhances what we think we want.  This concept tends to bother the control freaks that want to believe it's solely whatever they are doing that should initiate the pleasure.  However you want to look at it, I personally derive a sort of euphoria from the assistance of words in my imagination, either through my own expression or someone else's words.  I can easily derive similar experiences from porn or another medium, but the point is, women naturally have this built into them.  All too often I see men say that they just don't get it, and I could no more explain the exact biology of it than I can explain the chemistry of attraction.  Men CAN enjoy stimulation through literature and it's not because they are particularly feminine; it's because they have the vivid ability to physically enjoy a sort of voyeurism or placing themselves into the scenario.  Not everyone is capable of lucid dreaming or plagued with night terrors.  It's not something that is missing, it is just an added bonus.

Aside from the usual gripes of smut being trashy or the things I've discussed in previous posts, I also think it's a bit of a shame that it's been cited as a distraction or that regardless of the actual genre it comes off as filler.  While it's often seen as perfectly fine to drone on about cities and landscapes, in a way that often prevents the reader from filling in the blanks on their own, it's a whole other thing with sexual situations.  I currently write epic fantasy first and anything else is what I consider a secondary bonus.  I like to defend that it's just my preferred kind of filter.  There are often just moments where, in lieu of tedious descriptions, I think that the raw interactions between people are far more an exercise in character building.  This isn't always in the form of sex.  I don't write for hours and days just to lead them to the perfect place to fuck.  I mean, it's not unheard of and I wouldn't negatively judge someone for it, but in my case, I also get my lady-boners from building lush worlds and places and creating danger and suspense.  It just so happens that some of the rawest character traits are going to come from how people treat others when no one else is around.  It may seem like some attempt at rationalizing smut, but there's more than a visceral reason for why it is done, even though the visceral can be just as fun.  Like I've said before, I've written or edited sexual scenes that I either wasn't in the mood for or found personally disturbing. The best friend I mentioned before had written a disturbing scene involved blackmail and incest and I found it completely mesmerizing.  It wasn't because I have any love for either, it's because it was done with such calculation and suspense that I couldn't help but see the genius of it.  Sometimes authors hide some neat little tidbits in those dirty little places and wonder if someone is willing or able to dig them out.  Don't be so quick to shut it all down because you've been burned by those gimmicks.

That being said, I am in a wonderful group on FaceBook called Fantasy Faction.  Other than smut, the most controversial topic to follow is often finding that perfect book.  I'll repeat what I said on there: "Why on earth would you want a guarantee on a book?  Discovery and going in blind is part of the magic. Even if a book is hilariously bad, I might still finish it.  But guarantees and warnings? Pbbbbbbt. Get out."  There's quite a bit of dissent on authors choosing a genre that they don't believe fits the mold and I find it odd that there are quite a bit of people that worry about wasting their time when there are 'so many good books out there.'  Look, you will never, ever finish your TBR (to-be-read) list.  You will keep adding to it regardless. It will grow longer than the natural years you have on this earth if it isn't already.  It will compete with your curiosity about social media, texts from your friends and relatives, magazines at the check-out line, and so on.  You will read utter trash and discover hidden treasure.  Take a risk and buy the bad mystery books.  Regift it and tell them to do the same if they don't like it.  Let books find new homes and be someone else's sentimental find.  Don't discount the experience of leaving your comfort zone.

Read the smut.  Even I have been surprised about what some people come up with.  It's come a long way from being utterly trashy.  Hell, even utterly trashy can be a hell of a good read.  You don't have to be aroused.  Sometimes it's good for a laugh or a therapeutic eye roll or a nice shiver of revulsion.  I still believe that a reaction is the best part of the experience.

And may I reiterate that I do have plenty planned with zero smut.  It is also a lot of fun.  I don't purposely inject it where it doesn't fit.  Oh, dear gawd, what have I done...

EDIT: I'd like to add that my bit on how men and women experience sexual interest is a very generalized discussion based on women I've actually talked to and my own experience and intended to shed some light on the marketed targets for that kind of literature.  I'm not claiming to have incorporated studies or assume all people are sexual automatons that function the same way.  There are factors including preference that can change considerably-- preference, meaning physical limitations, sexual positions and motivations including mutual pleasure and power dynamics (who's on top, and so forth).  Because of how massively unique preference can be, I omitted quite a bit of what made me consider my words for this post.  I don't presume to know why most women agreed with me in discussion, but we also disagreed on things like penetration or stimulation of erogenous zones enough that it's moot for general discussion.  The simple fact is that it has become a market that targets women because women are the prevalent consumer, not because we're savvy to some biological secret that excludes men.  Someone in my position, who has often been told my hobbies are for boys or old ladies when I'm neither, would never seek to practice anything with the intent to exclude.

There is room for everyone in every genre and, while we often seek to find our audience, our own findings often come to generalizations.  I'm still writing books for me.  Not for genders or diversity or agendas.  It's still entertainment and a shitload of hard work.  This is just me getting the hang of marketing.

I Like That Shit...

Into It GIF from Ilikethat GIFs

Yeah, yeah!  Me too!

I gotta say, one of them good feels is seeing my library of work gradually growing.  I just can't get over it...  Imma smoosh 'em...

 Smooooooosh...

I can't resist, it's just... it's just...  So much work put into making this happen.  A few hours of entertainment for everyone else, years of painstaking passion and vision for me.  It's kinda like weight loss.  By the time, people notice, they don't see all the hard work, but you have to know how much they put into it.  They can't stop talking about it or can't stop talking about what their next fitness goal is.  If you have a passion in something, you tend to seek people you won't absolutely annoy with it.  Nobody's trying to hear about my love affair with Staedtler and Sakura Pigma Sensei pens... except for the beloved fellow nutjobs that get that tingle watching it move across the page like I do!

A Little Nut GIF from Squirrel GIFs

You know who you are!

I love to share, yeah, but it's just as fun to let people gush over their interests, to bring their own theories and discussions into my work.  I mean, you can tell me I'm trashy and gross and perverted too, but I'm probably going to take it as a compliment.  Not everything I write is of that sort, but this is what a lot of us ladies do.  It has little to nothing to do with girl power or excluding men.  I've had plenty of discussion with my best gal pal and literature is just a good clean sexual outlet for women sometimes and it's a-okay if you don't get it.  I know, it's really confusing when I pair up smart theories and lore with intimacy of the good and bad kind and make everyone figure out what it means to them, but yeah, some of you not only GET it, but you love it!  And thank you, thank you, thank you, for supporting and encouraging that.  Suppression is bad, unleashing the beast and embarrassing a few unsuspecting people is NOT BAD.  It's okay to be challenged and not like it.  I love you for trying anyway!

That being said, it's been a difficult journey learning how to distance myself and be objective with my work.  Hell, as much as I've read it, I sometimes love it and hate it.  I think some of my favorite books might not be my favorite on a reread either. Literature is largely about bottling a mood and as much as I would like to repeat an experience, sometimes the nostalgia just has to do.  I have to admit, I have always chosen a new experience over reliving a good one.  I like to keep the good ones a good memory and attempt to build more from new experience.

Anyhoooo, for all the hard work and isolation, I love my forays into writing groups and fanfic.  It's been a good experience to hit that publish button and anxiously await feedback.  I'll admit, I need some more brutality though.  Sometimes these groups are a hugbox and you grow more when people give pushback.  Don't get me wrong, I love when people are supportive and such, but negative feedback can be done diplomatically and it's a little used art.  Superfans are great, but I like my trolls too.  As long as they're insulting my work specifically to show they actually paid attention, it's all good.  

Talk, Like, a Girl?

I do voices.

Not professionally, mind you, but I'm told I have a nice repertoire of dopey, fun, helium, and accent-thick voices.  Comes from years of reading text aloud on video games or acting out my own scenes in my head (fanfic anyone?).

My natural female voice is deep.  It's always been deep and if you ever heard my mother and aunt talk, you'd see it's probably at least partially genetic.

I say this because anyone can modulate or change the pitch.  My aunt has the theory that most women probably increase octave to seem more feminine or cheerful, but I have other ideas because I'm quite familiar with my own experience.

When I was around 16-17 years old, I got mistaken for a young man a lot.  Not just on the phone.  I was busty but I had short spiky hair and in the winter time, big coats.  I loved dark colors and earth tones, but sometimes I loved a kick-ass green that lit up my eyes.  I was never trying to be masculine or feminine, nor trying particularly hard not to be.  I wore what made me comfortable, what struck my mood, and mostly it wasn't about playing up my curves, but about chains and flannel and anime t-shirts (grunge was full swing and I was prime for it).  It just so happens that, away from my social crowd and around strangers, I was easy to mistake for a man.  I have a couple of funny stories about that after I get through the main point...

The thing is, I learned early that a female with a deep voice isn't as easily heard sometimes.  In fact, when I raise my voice to be heard at a normal speaking volume, I also enunciate and raise the pitch.  When someone asks you to repeat something, it's not always just because you're too quiet.  Sometimes you need to slow your words or, this is the thing, push past a nasal or rumbling sound.  I'll be the first to admit that I can be pretty nasally and it was actually singing that helped me open up past the noise.  But again, to achieve that, I can't maintain my natural low voice.

I don't tee-hee to be more attractive to men or acceptable to women, but yes, I'm guilty of 'feminizing' my voice for the very practical reason of having my words understood.  I know better than anyone how much attention to your words matters when speaking.  I have to tell people all the time that because I have sensitive hearing, you can't talk to me if you're walking in front of me and not turning your head.  The sound of the murmurs in your throat are louder for me then and you sound like Charlie Brown's mom.

In most quiet social settings, I am happy to use my natural voice.  When I decide to do videos, I may attempt to do so as well, but there's only so much I can project it.  I can still hit higher notes than a man without using falsetto, but I can never boom out powerful low notes.  Even us low-voiced women just don't have that development in our vocal chords naturally.  I'm sure we could train them a bit lower, I've made small strides there, but I'm nowhere near James Earl Jones...

What it comes down to is practicality.  I don't mask my voice in shame, I just pride myself in knowing how to use my voice most effectively.  Just like I will take great pains to express myself with writing or drawing, I want the usage to be most effective for the purpose.  If I'm gonna seduce you, I'm hoping it's my intelligence and talent that reels you in.

Okay, now, for the stories.  We'll go back to the first incident of being mistaken as a young man.  I went to a motel with my sister and a guy friend so we could smoke pot and feel grown up.  I'm not even going to dress that up.  My sister and I never went to sleep that night and we had been up watching horse races and laughing our asses off at the horse names.  I could swear one of them was called Fuzzy Nipples.  Pokemon came on when the sun started coming up and my sister and I were kind of over TV by then and we headed to the main office for free coffee.  We were sitting there and speaking really quietly since it was kind of a small lobby and the guy at the desk was still doing business, so even though we were asshole teenagers, we were trying to be respectful.  Wasn't really paying attention until a guy with his hands full had turned and looked at me and said "excuse me, sir, could you open the door for me?"  I suppose most girls would be offended, but surprise was immediately followed by a sort of glee and I said "sure, let me get that."  There was no damn point in making it embarrassing for him and there are worse things in the world than being mistaken for a man.

The second time was my absolute favorite though.  My mom was picking me up in her boyfriend's truck to take me to spend the night in Indiana for the weekend.  Pretty sure my hair was white blonde and spiky then, once again sporting a big navy blue coat.  Out of the corner of my eye, I catch this car following alongside us on the highway and it's this carload of cute blonde girls with flirty smiles, all directed at me.  I show my mom and she starts laughing and I wave at them.  They get all giggly and I pulled my coat open to show my tight flower print blouse hugging my ample breast and their faces fell with that 'am I gay now?' look of doom and the car dipped back out of sight instantly.

I'm not particularly masculine, although compared to some of those Japanese or Korean pretty boys, I could see it.  Some girls like the softer baby faces in men and in that aspect I get it.  When people aren't worried about sexual preference, it can be admitted that I'm just attractive.  I'm not gorgeous, but I can be called cute or pretty.  I look a lot younger than my age, both a blessing and a curse.  I have a very expressive face and I'm told repeatedly that I have a contagious smile.  

I wouldn't 'talk like a girl' just to impress anyone.  Have you ever heard someone think they're pulling off a fake laugh?  You kind of feel embarrassed for them, if not just annoyed.  Despite my love of voices, there's something embarrassing about passing off a fake voice as my own so I don't.  I like to make it obvious it isn't mine and keep it fun.

I have been debating on making videos, as I mentioned before, which is what made this topic click for me.  I've been told that people like to see their up and coming authors talking to them.  Is this for real, guys?  Because I really don't wanna.  If you like me, can't we just do a face to face?  Just buy my work and maybe I'll tour through or near.  I don't have these illusions of grandeur and I guarantee, cameras do not love me and I can't fake it up to pretend we're having a face to face when I'm eyeballing that judgy hole of a webcam.  I'm not going for celebrity status and I am the sort that, if I have time, I will always reply on my channels.  If not, I'm just hard at work on something and may not be checking anything for a few days or week or two.

Moody Blues and Purples

It's funny how creatively I go through so many ups and downs.  How I can be so sure that I want one thing then totally despise it the next.  My perceptions are the things that skew because the work hasn't changed without me knowing.  It's not just creatively-- everything from the way I see my own body to making my supposedly favorite foods.  I'm fickle.  If I waited for everything to be what I perceive as perfection at any one time, I would never be done with anything.

For instance, I am often very satisfied with something I write or draw, but when I suddenly bend it to thinking of how it is received, the comparisons are often unkind.  People won't like the style or the genre, etc.  I've always known that what I do is not for everyone, but I can say with confidence that I was critical enough that it is damn good for what it is-- I can't account for individual tastes and I don't try to.  I write plenty of things that are for wider audiences, but sometimes, damn it, I just want to find who else is like ME.  Who else is swept away in turmoil and romance, who is comfortable in their own skin but awkward around certain people, who has a dark sense of humor, etc.?  That's how I'm starting my journey as an author, self-published, because right now, I just want to see what I'm capable of doing on my own.  Yes, I want to appeal to more people as I go, but if right now I am just appealing to women around my age that like games like Final Fantasy and Dragon Age, then that's fine.  We're not a big part of the population, but we matter too.  So many of us end up writing fan-fiction because we're just not marketed to and that's okay.  We also enjoy taking matters into our hands rather than bitching about it.

As I edit these books and keep drawing, I'm finding that I'm loving to draw slightly more than the million times I'm editing the writing.  Look, I've read my books more than I've reread anything in my life and at some point, as much as I love them, I just look at them more and more critically and yes, it does get old.  I don't like them less, but there's no mystery or suspense like I got when I first started putting words to page.  It has become just work and the drawing part?  Not so much.  The first 15 minutes of starting a drawing session are usually restless times of doubt or frustration, but then I get swept away in it.  Painting for the eventual release of the omnibus art book is still completely exciting.  In fact, the idea of doing the art for the books thrills me more than writing them.  This isn't to say that writing is second banana.  If you know me, you know how much I love writing.  My close personal friends get mini-books every day.  However, even though drawing is absolutely work and problem solving, there is just so much more possibility in presenting visually.  Words can paint different pictures for everyone, but the actual stroke to page isn't exactly a solid commitment.  That's where the intimidation begins in fact.  There is a physical discipline that makes it daunting...  

Maybe math, which is daunting to most people will help terrify you. lol  There are over 171K words in the English language (although we do borrow quite a bit from other languages so I consider that very fluid) and the rules for combining them to form coherent thoughts are rather limited to rules of sentence structure.  Even creative writing needs to adhere to most of these rules to be of any quality.  The combinations are seemingly endless, but from the start of a sentence to the end there are still rules.  Run-on sentences may be some of the longest sentences you run into, but they do have limit. Words are confined by fonts, no matter how many there are to choose from of varying legibility. All of our words are simply combinations of our 26 letters after all.  However, visual control is dealing with way more abstract.  I'll use the digital example since this is my current medium.  A blank page is deceptive.  Were we to completely color it something different, it could be as simple as using a paintbucket Fill, one and done, or we might use a paintbrush from one pixel to thousands and scribble over the space.  Think of where a pixel starts.  To move to an adjacent pixel there are nine possible pixels surrounding it.  However, since there are 360 degrees of movement, you are often touching several points at once while simply creating a line.  It is possible to touch four pixel spaces at once.  When using tools that smooth lines to take away the clusters of movement, you are talking more pixel real estate.  While your brain can topple any visual medium in terms of shooting out pictures, the reality is, those single shot pictures are taking artists anywhere from days to weeks to months to refine, depending on the level of detail because the possibilities are also colors factored into the mix.  There are 256 possible grey combinations alone.  Color combinations available for RGB?  Over 16 million.  Want to see what that looks like if you use one pixel each to express it?  Yup...

Courtesy of Bruce Lindbloom, who is clearly a bigger digital masochist than me.

Now, if you think of even a tiny icon at 100x100 pixels and pound out the math for what it could possibly look like based on possible color combinations, then your head exploded.

It's a wonder I can draw at all when staring into the abyss of overthinking.  But that's just it.  Even when those thoughts are present, you just start doing and yeah, the passion of the moment eventually turns a lot of things into garbage besides the single-minded goals of translating that swirl of head pictures into one snapshot.

Yeah, I'm a creature of logic.  It's unavoidable, which is why I tend to like the chaos of humanity and the ridiculously stupid things we do.  A lot of the badassery in tropes kind of bores me because it is just too neat.  In the same breath, I love how clean martial arts like kung-fu are, how structured and exact.  Trying to make a person like that, no matter how awesome it is in theory, just falls flat for me.  

Even the visual trends in realism are something I only borrow lightly.  I love using a clearly stylized drawing style with only some elements of realism.  Yes, it takes ridiculous patience and skill to do realism, but it also doesn't utilize as much possibility and imagination.  It's beautiful and stunning, but it's still mimicry.  Sure, any style borrows from other styles in many combinations, but there's a certain excitement I get from towing that line between total abstract and structured realism that steals my breath away.  In fact, sometimes I actually have to make myself breathe.  I actually catch myself holding my breath when I'm challenging myself that way.

I'm not going to apologize but this blog post is an absolute mess of topic jumping, but about as real as it gets.  I'm actually juggling doing the final format on my book and made the sudden decision that I want a full color artbook for all three of the first books now.  So I spent yesterday setting up palettes for the characters' hair, eyes and skin colors and deciding to switch to doing full color to save myself from coloring it twice (once in grey, then in color, as I'll have to do for the first two books because they're greyscale...).  Because of this, there will also be changes to the line art and design.  I will be incorporating the tattoo meshes into the sort of lazy placeholder tattoos I did and editing some of the lines I wasn't too fond of.  When I started drawing for the first book and part of the second, I was still a bit like a baby deer, timid about line and form and I've grown more confident since.  I don't just want to do a palette swap for the art books; I want them to get a nice little facelift.  This is something I hope to save for sometime in 2018.  I won't even be releasing book three until sometime as late at the end of January and once I do that, I can start work on the compilation of the art.  I'd love to compile them as coloring pages if there is an interest in that, but I'm not going to do that unless that is the case.  I do want to start work on new drawings for a coloring book unrelated to the books.  My friend wants steampunk fairies and she shall have them!

I do promise that most of my blogs will be more structured and less head-exploding rants on technical bullshit.  I do like to lay it down for people, just how very technical and time-consuming the world of art is.  So often we diminish it down to the level of preschool finger painting or doodling on the corner of a phone book when the real deal artists are dumping 16 hour days, 5 days a week, into one visual project.  And that's on the quick end.  People play with Instagram filters or photo collage things and think it looks pro, but sorry, guys, it definitely shows.  Even when a professional artist 'cheats' and uses filters, there's a very precise way we toggle it to look perfect.  Even when I'm lazy about illustrating, I still spend ridiculous amounts of time on it that no 10 second filter can replicate...

See, I have my creative life planned for years to come.  And I planned zero social life to get it done.  I don't have 40 hour or even 60 hour weeks.  Try 80+.  I don't have guaranteed salary or insurance, I'm completely nuts for choosing this path, but I own it.  It makes me happy, even with the sacrifice of normal human contact.  I have faith that I can reach people, drum up interest in creation and collaboration on a platform of dirt-poor integrity.  We need it again, guys-- integrity.  I'm seeing too many good ideas swirl the toilet because of all the entitlement in entertainment.  Let things suck or not be for you.  Trying to make everything for everyone makes it all suck equally.