'Spring' Cleaning

I'm part bear. I wish it was polar bear but alas, it's one of the sluggish in the winter sorts. All the same, I got the bug to 'start fresh', one of those checks my ass can't cash. I was a rather grumpy bear by the end of the day. I got up at 6:30 AM and noticed there was a two hour delay at my nephews' school. Rather than go back to bed, I got up and cleaned the fish tank. It pretty much set a course for the rest of the day. 

Made a healthy breakfast. I'm a wizard with eggs so it's never a sacrifice for my taste buds. Coffee came with it because the magic is never satisfied without it. Then of course, I decided every bed needed clean laundry. When it was finally time to take them to school just after 9:30, I hadn't sat down at all because I decided to chop and prep every vegetable in sight. Coming home with a frozen face and the unusual sensation that I could still feel my eyebrows, I launched into boiling lentils and prepping soups, all while hand-scrubbing the kitchen floor and the greasy dust that likes to coat neglected kitchen surfaces. I fancied taking a nap but it was noon before I looked at a clock again and there were still two loads of laundry on queue. Pipe dream...

So I got to sit down for maybe an hour solid before it was time to take another cold walk to get the kids. Dad had offered me a ride but no way-- I'd been lazy two weeks straight so I needed to break out of that. Got back and made one of the boys hot cocoa before wandering up to the store. I finally sat down but got up again since Dad made dinner for everyone. I hadn't touched any of my creative work, but there was some satisfaction that I had tackled prepping every lunch for the week and having a clean house. There's more to do tomorrow, but I had the realization that this was exactly why I was glad to get out of retail jobs in the first place. 

I pulled the back of my knee. I've done it before but usually during the vigors of circuit training, not housework. At this point, I became a grumpy bear and ended up hibernating... For all of two hours. 

The boys have another two hour delay in the morning and most likely will on Friday too. Tomorrow, I'm going back to creative work because, as satisfying as a clean house is, all I can think about is more sleep and making progress on my work. I still want to run the vacuum and a couple of menial things. These winter breaks just seem to end up giving me a lot of false starts and resets that take some time to balance out. 

 I'm not a spring cleaner. When the weather gets nice, I want to frolick in the sunshine, not choke on clouds of lazy winter neglect. The fish tank needs cleaned every two weeks at least and every other tank cleaning usually yields another day where I remember why I don't work retail anymore. At least with housework, I don't get shit for my pacing or breaks. As if I'm able to do either with any sanity, but mentally it's just different when it's your choice.

Creatively, I had done quite a bit of file sorting over the break. That won't turn into a mess until I start my next massive editing or design phase. So a month tops. January and February will most likely herald a third book and the combined trilogy released as a text only paperback. I'm being flexible here since I'm part bear. Everything in me wants to sleep until spring. Everything else wins and I end up trying anyway.

It might seem like my mother's death was some kind of positive. I can assure you it wasn't. Something rattled loose and I've used it positively, but it also has me teetering on the edge. Stopping for anything unsettles me. I often overwork myself because I don't want to wallow or mire myself in destructive loops. That's not something to admire. I am certainly proud of what I achieve but there is plenty of misplaced guilt there too. If anything taught me how to handle pain, it was fibromyalgia and  that was touch and go on my will to live too. 

I am happy that I can be productive. I am thrilled that I have something to share. I am humbled that so many creative minds tend to come from layers of pain. 

It's terrifying, it's wonderful, it's life.

Until it's over, I intend to extract every ounce of meaning from that.

Sometimes you just have to begrudgingly treat each day like a fresh start.