Working Out is Working Out

 Got a tiny weight drop on the scale finally, which is always a relief after no gains or losses for two weeks. I didn’t doubt that I was making great choices, but since I’m pushing 40, I am aware that hormones may be up to some tricks with progress. Like I’ve said before though, I am aware of what can cause weight loss halts and don’t get discouraged. My body needs to heal from stress both mental and physical along the way and weight doesn’t just want to melt off simply because you’re overweight. The body doesn’t just shed it all in relief, not until you can prove it’s not temporary. It takes a while to convince so many chemical processes to trust it’s a good idea.

Anyways, I have a few projects I want to try to knock out this week. Small ones but things to help me engage in creativity without a huge commitment right now. I still have to finish wiring the lights in a diorama I have finished. I received a template for a doll sized purse that I want to try out. I also bought some resin to try my hand at making some doll eyes.

Working on Endramena and Maxim, my two favorite dolls, is always a maybe. He needs armor and she needs a lot of jewelry and embellishments. Both need their hair finished. As much as I want to see them finished, it’s also very intimidating since these are dolls I envisioned years ago when I started drafting their characters and also a book that I have not finished and published. The pandemic weighed heavily on me, but it was ignoring my health that ultimately led to a wrench in creativity. As I restore my health, I want to ease back into good habits so those intimidating projects are just a maybe right now. I’m pushing the smaller bites for now. The big projects will get to swallow me completely again someday but I can’t afford to have it take too much of my focus while I’m struggling to build the stamina to see them through. 

Not to sound like a broken record but this will always be a challenge with my ADHD. Unless I am very mindful, I can’t catch or tame an obsession and it will take away my concept of time or energy or self-care. Impulses can easily override common sense. Plans can easily be dashed to pieces so I work best with flexibility. A life style change has to have interesting variables to remain in my routine. Routines that feel too rigid are often abandoned. The three solid years I spent obsessed with writing and publishing, I don’t really recall any of it. It felt like a handful of weeks and still mesmerized me that I did all that in so little time. And not at all surprising that I simply walked away from it for a while.

It always comes back. Writing is one of those obsessions that always returns. Drawing is the same. Crafting too. I would love to develop mastery in the traditional sense but it’s almost impossible to tell my brain not to bring in a new interest. It always convinces me that it will only enhance my other skills. It isn’t wrong. I am usually even better at drawing after not drawing for years. It’s never about practice and application but life experience and perception. My brain always retains what I never lost passion for.

So I will chip away at the small curiosities while I plug away at a healthier me. My mental state also benefits from the physical changes. But unlike last time, I will not allow a physical health obsession to lead to creative drought, then trade places later. From the onset, I am minding every day to integrate both aspects. So that when it’s time for an obsession, it is already a habit to mind the other necessities.

I do have some doll heads to paint as well. Those can be a pain, if only because I have to do a layer, seal it outside, let it dry and set, paint more, etc. However, since I can’t just sit the whole time, it’s actually a good habit, using both focus with creativity and movement to take breaks. The biggest wrench is being both in the mood and having good weather for sealing. Much trickier!

Healthy Journey

 Getting right to it, this isn’t the first time I’ve become dedicated to weight loss and lifestyle changes. And really, until you’ve been doing it consistently for a few months, you’re never sure it’s going to stick at all. The beginning is so full of discouragement; hunger, moods, the days where you can’t move because you pushed too hard exercising.

When you keep a log, which you should in some form, you truly get to see where things start to change. It’s not always going to be in the form of weight loss or perfect habits, but it’s there. In fact, I haven’t dropped any weight in two weeks at this point and I’m not freaking out. Why? Because, in the past two weeks, I’ve not only hit every daily minimum goal I set on FitBit, but on more than half of them, I doubled or even tripled those minimum goals and in some cases I have been meeting larger goals that I wasn’t getting close to before.

I’ll elaborate on this more. FitBit does a system called Active Zone Minutes, which I consider my primary goal every week. Divided up into a daily goal, it asks you to get your heart rate in one of three Zone categories: fat burn, cardio or peak. I hardly ever hit peak times but those also aren’t mean to be prioritized and don’t ‘count’ for more than cardio. You get one Active Zone Minute for a fat-burn heart rate and two for cardio. On my slowest days, fat burn can account for all or about 3/4 of my AZM. On my most intense days, it can be flipped to where cardio covers 3/4 of that balance. Essentially, when you reach cardio, you need less time but more effort to reach that goal.

Now, that is the most involved stat. The others that I keep on my dashboard are calories burned (which calculates both sedentary and exercise to let you know how much you’re using daily), step count (which I keep on 10K for the goal— a secondary goal that I don’t always enforce), stair count (really just how many times you go up a full flight of stairs daily), and miles. Adding that I’ve learned that my 5 mile default goal actually takes a little over 11K steps so if I’ve made the 10K goal, I can decide whether I want to go ahead and push it a little more before the day is out.

Now each day is different and I figure out what I’m up for once I get there. Strength workouts get the heart rate up faster and are shorter workouts but I’m also more likely to push muscles too far and really limit exercise the next day. They’re not my favorite days, actually, and at this point I only do them 2 or 3 days a week. If I do a strength workout, I don’t aim for 10K steps. I usually follow up with careful stretches and hop in the shower (you’d be surprised how many active minutes you can get just from that bit of hygiene— I make it a point to tack on some extra minutes by keeping my heart rate up with a shower!). 

Now cardio days are where I end up walking or jogging, going for stamina. Jogs, of course, don’t need to last as long and doing them in bursts is just as good as doing it the entire time. I’ve managed to build my endurance to where I can do a brisk jog for 20 minutes at a time. And yes, that took time to build up to; I started with 5 30 second bursts with one minute of walking in between to 5 one minute bursts and 30 seconds walking. One minute went to two and then three and then I actually jumped to 12 minute jog/2 minute walk twice then a 6 minute jog and 3 minute cool down to finish. Every time you push, you think there’s no way you can do more. So you go back to a spot that isn’t as much but was hard at the time... and suddenly that place is actually too easy! So, it’s not a setback to say I’m not pushing today. You’ll get a huge boost in confidence when you can do far more than you could a week ago. That’s the kind of measure you will need sometimes.

A little off track there, but a jog can cut the 10K step count down to a little over an hour where a brisk walk will take an hour and a half (and yes, you can still get fat burn minutes with a two hour stroll; you never need to stick to only moderate or vigorous workouts to maintain healthy goals).

So while I would LOVE it for the scale to drop, I have been consistent in my diet and workout. Some days I have been eating less than I should, but not in any alarming sense; I’m still getting at least 1500 calories but my tracker tells me that’s about 500 calories short of where I need to be... and eating less than you should can sometimes trigger protective mechanisms in your body. You might be losing fat still but inflammation from digestion or muscle recovery will keep that number up. I can visibly SEE I’ve lost weight in my face, chest and shoulders as well and I do build muscle faster than the average bear...

I don’t do measurements but I know from experience that those numbers are... weird for me. I am able to lose 60 pounds and not drop a single pant size. Most of my weight, at any time in my adult life, just likes to sit in my hips, thighs and ass. I’ll lose inches everywhere else and that will go nowhere. It can be motivational for some people to take measurements but, for me, it’s pointless. There isn’t actually a goal or a one-size-fits-all goal for that one unless you’re a model that has to be a certain size to fit clothes and... I’m a stretchy clothes kind of gal. I don’t even know my damn number size because everything I buy has a variable letter. So that one is just not a priority; I’m looking at variables to measure health and that one just doesn’t.

I won’t delve into diet too much here. I eat a combination of food I enjoy and sometimes it’s just a healthy choice. I don’t hate it but I’m not gushing over it either. To have a good relationship with food, it works best for me to moderate but indulge. Restrictions are not happening and sometimes even substitution is a bad idea. If ‘healthy pizza’ is a joyless piece of cardboard, it doesn’t absolutely nothing to satisfy the craving. You’re better off eating a slice or two of the good stuff than crying over that edible (?) frisbee of despair.

I know what I’m in for. While it’s possible to reach my weight loss goal of 150 by the year’s end, that’s super ambitious and may not be realistic. And once I get there, it’s not a finish. I must still maintain an eye on exercise and diet or that weight can slip right back on. I’m not going for speed this time. I want these habits to be sustainable now so I’m not starving for the freedoms I took away later. The weight loss goal will have perks too though. I’ll get to embrace those minimum goals of activity and eat more on maintenance (not a LOT more, but maintenance calories are still more forgiving).

I try not to look too far ahead. You have to embrace where you are and not look too wistfully at what you aren’t. You have to find what you’ve accomplished when you feel stuck and find comfort in personal progress. Stop telling yourself where you need to be or coming down on yourself when you’re not where you wish you could be. For most of us, doing everything you should do for certain results just doesn’t happen. It’s not necessarily because you didn’t do enough. Sometimes you’re doing too much but you’ll have to wait to see the benefits. (Also, don’t make it a habit to do ‘too much’ because it’s NOT a healthy habit and could lead to disease and disorder.)

And this last bit goes for people like me; try not to obsess on it. You will absolutely need to prioritize more than diet and exercise. You will need to get your mind onto other things you enjoy. You will need to consider diet and exercise as a part of a full life and not turn it into the central existence. If, like me, you are doing this to help build creative energy and stamina, then like with exercise, you’ll have to test your creativity regularly too. Last time the weight crept back on, it was because I had denied creativity and fell back into it obsessively after depriving myself of it too much. If you don’t make it a PART of your life, the parts that go missing can overwhelm  it later.

You might need to reflect on diet and exercise a lot in the beginning, but as you find your stride, you will need to learn to trust what you’ve learned more. Ease up on it and make sure you’re keeping your goals and priorities balanced. A healthy lifestyle is only as healthy as your overall well-being.

Time to Ramble!

So, it’s been over a month since I even thought about blogging last and I have no idea where to start. I am fully vaccinated at this point and I keep buying ‘just one more doll’ to the point where I’m certain my bedroom will eventually be entirely filled with dolls and cat toys at some point in the future.

I have been very sporadic and unplanned when it comes to projects. Even my weight loss plans are completely impulsive. Consistent but still impulsive.

In the three months since I’ve started, I’ve lost a little more than 12 pounds. For the past two weeks, I’ve been fluctuating between 208-210 pounds. I’ve been drinking over 100 oz of water a day, working out from between 18 minutes to two hours, and eating between 1200-1500 on most days, no more than 1800 on a cheat day.

Two hours of exercise though; sounds like a lot but those are just days when I don’t want to do cardio or strength and opt for a more relaxed but still demanding 10K steps a day. I know some of you are saying, whoa, I can math and 8 eight-ounce glasses is 64 so why over do that too? Well, I do sweat and workout more so the minimum recommendation is an ounce of water for every 2 lbs of weight. Say I’m 210; that’s 105 oz of water. And yes, at first, it makes you pee a lot but eventually your body doesn’t flush it so fast and maintains more of it for sweat and increased activity. As for diet and lower calories, I don’t restrict what I eat. I can eat garbage but that puts a huge dent in the calorie count so most days you will make better choices just so you can eat more. And sometimes I’ve maxed out the calories I’m hoping to stop at but hunger hits with a vengeance. I keep Quest protein bars on the ready. About 200 calories, but they are balanced on the macros and full of nutrients so it doesn’t throw me into a huge binge/craving mode.

Let me add, there is no non-frustrating way to lose weight. I’ve tried it all and you really start to crave all that weight gone just so you can get those more satisfying maintenance calories. When losing weight, you’re aiming for 500-1000 less calories than you’ll use in a day just to drop one or two pounds in a week. I’ve gone super strict to try to drop weight fast but what usually happens is that my body will panic and I won’t lose or gain at all for about a month. Plateaus from hell if I get impatient. I tried intermittent fasting and even three day fasts and I can’t be around people because I’m so miserable, moody and sick those days. I’ve tried workout challenges and schedules and there always comes a workout day that I end up skipping because I simply loathe doing it again.

So this time around, I’m doing the slow crawl. No stupid restrictive diet, no set workout schedule, no panic bingeing or pushing my workouts to the point of pain. It means that I might not make my weight goal until the end of the year or into the next, but it also means, I won’t drop a ton then plateau for a long time repeatedly either. I do not weigh myself every day anymore either. I try to only do an official weigh in every Friday and whenever I’m just curious. Daily weigh ins were pointless and didn’t help at all. My weight will rise and drop several pounds for no apparent reason I can’t correlate. It’s probably hormonal or metabolic, who knows, but they don’t match up with how much I eat or exercise. I’m doing a lot better by just listening to my body and not turning any aspect of it into an obsession. Obsessions tend to burn me out too easily once they pass, but if I do this with too much ambition, I end up dropping every good habit because I’ve so long deprived myself of any joy in life.

I need this to be sustainable so that when I go into maintenance mode eventually, I don’t overindulge to feed the famine. I need healthy habits to be sustained so that I have the energy and motivation to meet my creative needs. This has to be the trifecta of mind, body and spirit or it will get put aside once again.

It’s never as simple as calories in and out. While that is a measure for the loss of fat, it does not factor in muscle gain, how your body stores fat (and how quickly it panics to hold onto it), your metabolism, any genetic predisposition or the possible existence of disease that may hinder weight loss or cause weight gain. Be wary of any ‘health experts’ that come with one-size-fits-all solutions or even those that can ‘tailor your diet and exercise’ based on a few simple questions. If you’ve tried quite a bit with food and exercise and are frustrated, skip the weight loss systems blowing up your social media and get a doctor to run some tests. Make sure you know where you are with blood pressure, blood work, deficiencies or disease before taking more drastic steps. You can end up wasting hundreds or thousands of dollars for little more than a placebo. If you know what your specific deficiencies are, get those medications and supplements specifically. 

It’s really tough for some of us to lose or gain weight. I’ve learned that while it’s tough for me to drop a lot of weight, that I also maintain and burn for a long while before the weight creeps back on. I did not gain a pound after I slipped back into old habits for a full six months. Unfortunately, two years later, it crept back on fast. My body is really slow to realizing a big change has occurred. While that sucks for good habits and progress, it’s on my side against bad habits. I just can’t let it slip like I did this time.

No drastic goals here. Just want to drop to 150 lbs and maintain it below 160 from there on out. I will not need to monitor as much as I am now forever. There will come a time when I’ll only weigh in every week or two and I won’t count calories as strictly. I can focus on minimum exercise needed rather than weight loss deficits. Slowly, frustratingly, but determined to do this sustainably.

A History of my Personal Doll Collection

 Out of curiosity, I looked at my order history on AliExpress to track when and what I ordered and was actually quite shocked to see I didn’t even begin to buy my larger dolls until late 2019! I thought maybe I’d accumulated them over a few years, but no, not even two years since I began. It’s startling just because of how much I’ve put into the journey, how much I’ve learned and progressed. If you know me, though, you also know I forever underestimate just how much I absorb and do when very passionate about something.

The first thing I bought was a Bomelon head, female, grey eyes, pink lips. I remember the first large doll I wanted to try was going to be my project to create my character Rienna. I though the Bomelon bodies looked generic so I didn’t buy the body right away. I actually ended up finding a company called DreamFairy and I liked the bodies but not so much the heads. 

I didn’t know much about the differences in scales and that the heads didn’t fit but this was also part of the reason I wanted to start with a cheaper vinyl/silicone doll than resin. However, I talked to the DreamFairy seller and they offered to send me the attachments used for their heads to try and it worked. I was able to anchor the heads on that way. Also noting that the plastic version is technically hinge-jointed and not really ball-jointed, the difference being that BJDs are typically strung together. Another learning curve I wasn’t ready for.

In the process of making Rienna, I decided to get another Bomelon/DreamFairy hybrid, deciding I wanted to also use this sculpt to make another character, Talia.

I’ll kind of zoom ahead a bit here and there or this will be a pretty long post. I had the money so I also decided to acquire a generic 1/4 scale female doll and a 1/3 scale male, both plastic. I love both of them but I never named them or had any particular designs in mind for them either. However, they were important in helping me develop my comfort levels before taking the next big step.

I really wanted a mature and gorgeous adult male type doll at this point. The generic male was... pretty, but I was looking for more maturity. I ended up fixated on a Soom ID72 Hyperon sculpt. I also took a gamble and went with tan skin, although I was warned that darker colors were harder to get consistent results with. But I really saw my Maxim character in him so he was... my first official resin BJD.

Almost immediately, I found his adventurous counterpart Endramena in the Iplehouse SID Mari sculpt. Also, tan skin. Both characters grew up on an island nation, beaches and sunlight so it wouldn’t make sense to make them pale.

I hadn’t planned on getting any more dolls for characters in that story but ended up seeing Kaffir in the Soom SuperGem Dia sculpt.

I’m probably getting the order a little off at this point. I also acquired my Fairyland Minifee sculpts, Karsh and Celine, around the same time but I had saved up a lot of money working and it was around the start of the pandemic so I  had bought a bunch, didn’t realize my job would be shut down then stayed conservative about buying any for a while. At least until sheer boredom and desperation made me desperate for more.

The next doll I wanted was the Soom SuperGem Epidia, in dark brown skin. I developed a curiosity for skin types at that point but also had my eye on the Soom Zinc White Archer centaur sculpt and... got him too. 

At that point though, my family started making plans to move, so I stopped buying doll stuff for maybe six months to save for furniture and things we’d need there. Annnnd I already had more to pack than I cared to. It was easy to save when I thought about reducing what would need to be packed and carried. I actually ended up getting rid of quite a bit, just to avoid that as much as possible.

When I got to house number two, I didn’t even think about purchasing any for a long while either. Mostly, because I was sick of looking at boxes. Annnnnd then, well, my last post happened. Ordered six more diverse sizes and colors and sculpts of dolls. Once more a scattering of Soom, Iplehouse and Minifee because clearly I have a type. The diversion being my first Smart Doll, who... is not a BJD either, but a vinyl/silicone type with an articulated hinge skeleton.

Of course... I also have a collection of nendoroids, Barbies, and other generic dolls and even just heads that I’ve acquired along the way, but I’d need to have my order history open as a reference to track all of that. 

My collections have kept me hungry for projects, even when I haven’t had the drive to actually do them. I actually like that so many of them aren’t just book character projects or even get names, because they are there to alter according to mood. I’ve gone a tad overboard but not to where it’s a hindrance. It’s more like overpacking a bag. It’s a strain on space but you don’t truly regret having more than you need; better than having less.

I look forward to seeing what the latest ones become. As I work on Endramena and Maxim, they’re my free-play dolls. I can change their identity or look at any time. They’re not married to a specific idea.

There may be more still but at this point, I don’t foresee it. I’m quite knowledgeable on the selection of dolls out there and I don’t have any teasing me on a wish list. I’ve answered a slew of impulses and I feel a calm I haven’t felt in a long time. 

Time to enjoy the fruits of that journey.

Doll Days

 I had said I was done buying dolls last August, after I got my Soom Zinc White Archer centaur. Even once October came and another house gave me more room to grow, I hadn’t thought about buying more. New furniture and stocking a new house with creature comforts was on the top of the list.

But I was having a hard time working on any of my project ideas. As much as I love the new place, nothing is perfect and it’s even harder for someone like myself to adjust to big changes. It can be overwhelming on the senses and lend to a creeping anxiety I’m not even wholly aware of until I would snap at someone.

I decided I wanted a smaller doll, a 1/4, so I picked a Soom Soa. The seller even offered different skin colors so I chose a light purple. I knew I didn’t want to do custom clothes for her, since she wasn’t based off of one of my characters; just wanted to make her dark and lovely.

I had been going through Etsy and ended up buying a doll dress and even found a talented woman who did a custom color for one of her clothing sets so I got both. Without realizing the expensive dress did not fit any of my dolls because I didn’t see it was for a specific sculpt.

So. I ended up ordering a 1/3 Soom SuperGem Topaz to fit it. I didn’t have a wig or wefts I liked for her so her wig is still on its way.

 

So Endramena, who I originally wanted to try the dress for got the next best thing, the pant set that will be decorated later. The Soom Topaz will end up resembling my character Eden, who was my ice Queen well before Disney’s Elsa would be who she is forever compared to.

I had joined a doll group that is recast friendly and still fell in love with all of the Smart Dolls people were posting. She’s not actually a ball-jointed dolls at all but a soft silicone and vinyl sculpt with an articulated skeleton. Plus, it’s an anime style doll. Since it was once more ticking boxes of novelty... I ended up getting Athena.

And she has new clothes and shoes on the way, once more unplanned as a character.

I... wish I could say I was fulfilled at that. However, I got it in my head my purple girl could use a green alien rabbit boy buddy. At this point, I’m aware that I sound like I’ve completely lost my mind. I actually can’t remember which sculpt he is, a Lapin from what I do remember, but yeah. He’s on the way.

... Along with what I consider a ‘grail’ doll, which is doll community lingo for one that’s been sitting on your wishlist for some time. An Iplehouse EID Bichun. He’s the only one of the batch that I didn’t get a faceup for so I’ll be doing that myself.

But wait! There’s more... but this was kind of like a cherry on top. I happened to find a small but fully articulated baby dragon. So yeah. That had to happen. I’m still a fantasy author so I can’t do without my dragon.

That’s it though! But I can’t promise I’m done anymore. I still really want to do my dragon lady Esmerelda in doll form sometime. There are some characters I do purely as sentimental favorites, some that I just pictured as looking so awesome, I want that physical model.

And I’m not casting my bets that my stories will blow up to the tune of licensing figures and such. Why wait? Why bank it all on people loving what you love enough to see that day come? Why not make it happen?

And little by little. Endramena now has a headdress, but there’s still quite a bit of work left in doing her wig and outfit. I’m doing her book debut outfit, a swath of blue and gold, her shackles the jewels and adornments fit for a princess... but giving her no true joy at all. All the same, I believe this look suits her better than she knows. I gave her headdress the look of a dragon-themed helm so the stunning beauty of it wouldn’t hinder her on a battlefield. I’ve always adored the idea of the deadly beauty, using the unique strengths of feminine power to turn the tides. She doesn’t not need to stop the sword; just disarm the warriors to do her bidding.

As for Maxim, her one-armed guardian, he’s got quite a lot of accessorizing to go too. I did trim his wig so I need to secure it to his wig cap and then flock the close cut parts of his hair to his head. The flocking that I purchased before, while supposedly black, looked dark purple in sunlight so I ordered a few more small pots, hoping one will be a true black.

So, some of my dolls are a work in progress. Some are quite finished. Kaffir actually got his face-up and body blushing done since I moved here too so that’s one at least. So aside from Endramena and Maxim, the Bichun sculpt is the next biggest challenge. I went with premade outfits and wigs for my impulse dolls. 

I actually like that I have dolls with no set purpose. They can make for good models and help me with trying new things. Many of my character dolls will not be changing out of costume. While I do like to make their costumes removable just in case, they represent a realization of my writing projects.

If I had a whole room to dedicate to making every character I think up, I would. On days when I have no drive to function, just seeing them keeps me afloat. It’s not so much a materialistic nature as having the right stimulants to ground me.

I adore every part of where my talents want to manifest. That I can captivate anyone else is a bonus.

Time to Vax!

 I’ll admit, when March 19th rolled out the next round of candidates for the COVID vaccine, I was bummed a little too hard that it was for adults 40 and up... I’m only a few months away from 40! Come... on! But good news quickly followed; anyone 16 and up would be eligible on March 29th.

I got fire ants in my pants by the time March 28th arrived and went ahead to see if I could go ahead and schedule my appointment. At first, it was a bit overwhelming so I stuck to Kroger pharmacies. Only one was available in my search radius so I jumped on it and... scheduled!

Today was the date of my first shot and I was also happy to hear I was getting the Moderna vaccine. After researching all of them, I felt this one was more aligned with what I wanted. It had side effects I was already familiar with from getting my adult vaccines caught up two years ago and I liked where the effectiveness sat, as well as the mRNA. It’s likely my nephews will eventually get the Pfizer one, since that is the front runner in clinical tests for those under 16 at the moment, so we’ll have some diversity in the findings for herd immunity.

I have plenty of personal reasons for rushing to get it done. A process that gives hope for a return to normalcy, the amount of people around who still don’t wear masks, having a very temperamental immune system that sometimes dodges the big seasonal illnesses and other times makes me sicker than others for longer periods of time. Overall, I want to contribute to the goal of herd immunity. It’s worth the risk of stepping up. Enough of us have to step forward to race against the development of mutations and variants. I know my own family is less likely to ever do it unless someone they actually know steps up first. It’s less that I have always been a leader and more that I am not content to just follow.

Fully aware that no matter what choice we make these days, someone is always quick to pin you as a sheep. My friends, I have never been a sheep. I’ve had to mask to attempt to belong my whole life and I make a terrible sheep. I’m definitely not a wolf under the wool; more like a weird ass cat. One that started off feral, discovered they liked the domestic life but still gets the urge to explore the outdoors from time to time. But that’s okay; I won’t fight anyone on being a sheep/sheeple. It also secretly delights me that some people do perceive me as belonging. 

In any case... yeah, at this point, it’s about nine, ten hours since I took the plunge. There’s an expected soreness in my upper arm and... I’m so glad I’m not around people because my ass gas is absolutely foul right now. I feel a little fatigue and started to get a stuffy nose and dry cough, BUT. An allergy pill cleared that up quickly. That’s right, folks; don’t panic, it’s also allergy season! 

There may be more discomfort overnight and well into tomorrow but the worst of it should pass by the afternoon (the 24 hour window). A totally expected occurrence for a vaccine. And this mRNA one is actually pretty cool. It basically delivers a genetic message (hence the m and RNA) on how to build these S (spike) proteins like the coronavirus has. It’s basically instructing the cells to build these training dummies and wake up the antibodies, then identify them as the enemy. The first dose is the training phase. The second dose is then the real deal; the body is trained to go, so the simulated S proteins are reintroduced so that the buff and ready antibodies can go to war. This is why the second dose tends to get the most severe symptoms; however, we’re talking a day, maybe two, of discomfort while your body perfects its immune responses. If all goes well, the virus tires out and dies in the bodies of the ready hosts and there is little to no chance it can mutate or spread to weaker hosts. However, if the variants/mutations win too hard, then vaccines must be boosted and we must fight harder to achieve the hope of herd immunity. We must close as many doors as possible to weaken the virus’s ability to spread, mutate or even exist, so we need risk takers to step up.

I might have been one of the more cautious sorts in the past, but I am eager to restore my life to some sense of normalcy, to not put others at higher risk, no matter how much the sacrifices have inconvenienced me. I will continue to wear a mask as long as the healthcare system asks it of me. You could tell me my vaccine is 100% effective and I can’t get it, but there’s no guarantee I can’t spread it to the unvaccinated or immunocompromised. 

I’m not a saint either. I would not give a shit about spreading it to some asshole that hasn’t taken it seriously but it doesn’t work that way. There are people who genuinely cannot get vaccinated or are too compromised for it to work and we don’t get to choose who ‘deserves’ a dose of reality. But here’s the truth, it doesn’t cost me much to be safe. I’ve grown accustomed to wearing a mask when I go out around others. I’ve always been reasonably hygienic about hand washing and minimizing spread. Assholes can laugh all they want but I am kind enough to lose sleep over the harm I might do others. 

I mean, I’ll still smash my fist into the faces of anyone who crosses boundaries with me, but that takes quite a bit of pushing and you will not see it coming. For the most part though, I exist to get along with anyone. A bit of a hippie with a hell switch. 

All the same, today marked a day of hope. In a few weeks, I’ll endure a bit more discomfort, and maybe a couple weeks after, enjoy a sense of safety and even more hope. I’ll keep my fingers crossed that enough people see sense and we can beat this virus. If freedom is truly what my fellow Americans value, they’ll see this virtue of science as their ticket.

Before I go, I do want to add that it’s become increasingly clear to me that nurses don’t quite have adequate medical training; they are first and foremost trained in hospitality. I say this because I have heard quite a few accounts of nurses saying they had to get the vaccine but would not have if they knew they’d get such side effects. This is a real red flag that not all workers in the medical field have valuable knowledge in science or how vaccines work. Now, I do know that many nurses do have stellar education and advanced medical training (depending on their certification and experience) but despite the incredible respect I have for anyone in the current medical client, I highly urge people to take such statements with a grain of salt. Not a single one of my friends/colleagues who know their shit in the medical field has said this or any other vaccine is not worth the risk and inconvenience of an expected immune response. In fact, they are relieved they’ve experienced the discomfort, embracing it as a sign their immune system is prepared. While many caregivers may appear to be in a position to influence, be very careful not to form your opinions based on unfounded fears or discomfort. Due diligence with verified sources only! I hope that you are sensible enough to not be lured in by colorful or powerful languages. This is fine when reading fiction, but facts? Facts are often not going to regale you. They will sometimes even bore you, but that is reality. Sometimes, the truth is quite predictable and even isn’t the answer you want to hear. Science is truthful enough to admit it does not have all the answers but will tirelessly keep searching. It doesn’t fill in all the holes immediately because it needs to make anyone feel better.

Embrace the unknown. Take risks. And try to do no harm!

Journeys Can Happen in Reality Too

 Two, maybe three, weeks ago, I decided things desperately needed to change. 15 pounds crept on while quitting smoking, bringing me way too close to my heaviest weight. Believe me, I’ve started to feel it— moods, mobility and motivation have all tanked over the past few months especially.

In a sort of desperation, I ended up ordering three more dolls— a 1/4 Soom Soa in lavender skin, a 1/3 Iplehouse EID Bichun and a 1/3 Soom Topaz. I’ve also slowly been chipping away at doll accessory projects, but for the most part, I’ve been practicing grounding, which is where I clean and organize and just walk around and touch things, enjoying what I have and looking for peace in it.

Anyways, the desperation to change started at seeing 222.6 lbs on the scale. Ouch. 200 was toeing obesity and this is cannon-balling right into the deep end. I am happy to say I weighed in at 215.8 this morning so it’s been slowly and safely going in the right direction.

I decided to use a popular lifestyle app called Noom to help this time. It uses a psychological approach to help you identify and correct destructive habits without restricting you or letting you batter yourself with negative thoughts and words. Nothing is bad or off-limits, just something to be more cautious with and moderate. Instead of saying you can’t have something, it encourages you to include it once or twice a week or find healthy alternatives where you can indulge in bigger portions.

I paid for the diet and exercise add-ons, though I’ll be honest, I’m not interested in the diet just yet. Food prep can be daunting and I may ease into that later. For now, I’ve been focusing on healthy water additives, low consumption of tea and coffee, protein bars, small breakfasts and lunches so I can have a more indulgent dinner. With exercise, I either turn to the custom plan they gave, just go on long walks to increase my step count, or do some vigorous house work. I’ve also been easing into a program that increases strength and mobility through stretching. While the eventual goal is more vigorous exercise and a daily 10,000 step count, Noom warns that trying to be aggressive with a habit results in big setbacks and crashes, which is okay; you can recover from those and set more realistic goals to grow into.

When you’ve got a couple hundred bucks riding on it, it’s a bit more motivating too.

In any case, I wanted to offer some advice to those who hit a plateau, something that always seems to work with me. Low calorie diets can be SO discouraging. I get hungry or get these monster cravings that beg for bad bingeing, which could possibly lead to guilt. What a lot of programs don’t emphasize, that does work for some of us is... cheat days. Now, I know personally that 2300 calories is maintenance calories for me. If I need a day to gobble up 2300 calories, I consider it a guilt-free indulgence. Why? Because sometimes, after days of low-calorie discipline, that scale goes absolutely nowhere. Sometimes I even gain a pound or two. Rather than get aggravated, I go ahead and eat more. Now, if you only believe in what plans tell you (the whole calories in, calories out deal), then you think it’s sabotage and you’ll just gain more. Wrong. After my last big calorie day, I lost two pounds on the weigh-in the next day. So what happened? It’s likely I went TOO low calorie and kicked my body into starvation mode. My body started to hoard calories and slow down my metabolism. I might have been burning more than I was eating, but I was also kick-starting processes like gas build-up, bloating and even inflammation. Now, I still stuck to *mostly* healthy foods (I say this because pizza was also involved) but there is a good chance I was way lower in protein and carbs than I needed to be to feed my metabolism as well.

And this always works for me. 1-3 days after a bigger calorie day, there will be a rather sizeable weight drop. Every week or two, I incorporate at least one maintenance calorie day where I drop the low calorie discipline. It almost always nudges a plateau back into weight loss mode. I say almost always because it’s not always immediate, but I can definitely correlate the big losses to at least 3 days after those days where I relax my diet.

It’s also true that low-calorie is very temporary. Once I get to around 165 lbs., I may shift to 1700 calories. 1200 can get me about 2 lbs a week of weight loss, but by then I’ll be more active and can still lose that much through diet and exercise combined. Right now, I’m relying primarily on diet while I slowly increase my ability to exercise more. When I reach my goal weight (150) I may decide to maintain at more than 2000 or keep aiming to lose a few more. I don’t want to go lower than 135 but that’s pushing it. 150 is super healthy for me and 135 is very strict to maintain. I may just wish to maintain a healthy weight and enjoy concentrating more on my creative projects.

Ultimately, that’s why I want to go on this journey. I want the energy and motivation to create again. I want to churn out books and art and crafts and doll projects. I miss that and I could kick myself for letting my health slip again. At 167 pounds I was on top of the world, but it was too easy to let the weight creep back on over 2-3 years. Ideally, getting to 150 then being aggressive if it creeps up to 155 is where I want to be. But goals change and I’ll play it all by ear.

Annnnd yes, I want a blog called the Unconventional Author to be more literally about my journey as a writer, squeezing in my other hobbies too. While technically any practice of writing qualifies, it’s not the ideal. I want the energy and drive to indulge in the actual practice of writing and publishing books again. I already have my work cut out for me, digging through my notes and drafts for the half-done UnHeard book, when I go back to that.

And it will happen. The pandemic has thrown me off but I’m hoping I started something three weeks ago that will get me back on track. But that means staying in the present and proceeding accordingly. Right now, accountability is what I need to focus on to reach those later goals.

I’ll get there. The move has brought on a lot of environmental changes to work to adapt to as well. This is why I can’t push change too fast. There are more factors than just what is going on inside the body and mind. The big picture and the details both have parts to play. Rather than demanding they all receive attention, I must carefully prioritize and focus when possible.

Annnd hell, I’ve got ADHD so focus is a five-fucking-letter word.