Reflections

 I forgot to mention a few things but my health concerns were consuming for a while there and I’m just now finding the time to reflect on some things.

First off, it’s been a year since I’ve moved to the new house. There were some challenges. The windows and baseboards are not all properly sealed so we got ants and ladybugs over the first winter. For the meantime, we’ve been treating the yard and spraying preventatively and haven’t seen them around. We’ll still need to seal and I may do that in the next month or so but it’s not a huge issue. The cracks don’t leak hot or cold air so they’re superficial gaps.

Another challenge is that the new house is on a main road so the traffic is much noisier. However, I invested in some really comfy earplugs (Happy Ears; definitely recommend!) and I sleep like a baby, no matter how much traffic is outside.

I was also upset that the nearby Hog Rock Cafe burned down around Thanksgiving and the owners bought the space next door, supposedly to rebuild. It was a noisy venue that attracted a lot of traffic and I do NOT want to live next door to that. Fortunately, there are stricter noise ordinances so close to these residences and there are churches close by that are not quick to approve liquor licenses. As much as I hope they can rebuild, I don’t want it next door and hope they simply lease the space to quieter shops and look for a business area more suited to a bar/restaurant venue. It would be awesome even if they decided to go the food truck route. I’m sure they could even lease picnic areas to draw a crowd to better spots for events. They aren’t allowed to rebuild where they were (I think being a historical building, they got to break a lot of rules but the same doesn’t apply to new structures), but I think this is a good opportunity to be enterprising and rethink the format. They do still cook at the VFW up the street so the passion really seems to be with the food and I’m positive they can make it work another way.

I don’t think the fasting alone is responsible for my increased energy and better moods. I started taking L-Tyrosine and Dopa Mucuna after seeing claims to benefitting ADHD and neuro health. Although I’ve also read that one actually reduces the potency of the other (oops) after one day of trying them together, I had no bad side effects and really felt better. Could be a fluke, a placebo effect, but I’ve continued to take them together and they seem to give me energy and better moods without damaging sleep.

I also decided to do some ketone urine testing while fasting and learned that by the end of a 36 hour fast, my ketones are higher than they need to be for weight loss (by quite a bit). Even if the strips are inaccurate and always read high, this reading would still be over the .5-3 reading that is beneficial for weight loss. While I may still do rare three day fasts for autophagy, (like every 3-4 months rare) I’m actually going to do two 24 hour fasts this week and see if the ketone zone stays where it’s most effective. The fasting app I use did do some rough calculations early on and indicate I  might reach ketosis sooner than most.

So I do have some genetic benefits after all, I just happened to have bad instincts for a long time. It took genetic testing and blood tests to be able to pinpoint things (like digestive sensitivities, high fat tolerance but low carb tolerance, sodium resistance and high caffeine tolerance). However, it’s very encouraging to be able to better pinpoint what habits actually work so I don’t stay in a frustrated loop, unable to figure out what to try next.

I think I mentioned finishing one of my dolls. I don’t have the prettiest picture of her but I’ll throw some pics at the end. It’s still a giant pain in the ass posting pictures on the mobile version of this blog site. I’d love to eventually post some staged shoots but I still need to finish her bodyguard and would love to be able to photo them together.

I’ve only been picking at projects this week but my dad has been sick so I’ve stepped up to keep house and keep my nephews consistent with school. Very busy and tiring but rewarding, but my own good health has made a huge difference.

Oh, going back to the fasting for a second, I wanted to point out that I am reducing my fasting days rather than extending. It’s usually our knee jerk reaction that when a plan isn’t working, we need to do more, but I find it very important to note that sometimes you need to do less. Eating disorders and other serious health problems can come from the instinct that our efforts aren’t ‘enough’. I don’t always know the right questions to ask when I hit a roadblock but, by chance, I stumbled on ketone testing while fasting and got some valuable insight. While the longer fasts can lead to better autophagy, the better health pursuit is still weight loss right now. Aiming for 165 is an overall health priority. I don’t need to lose more weight than that for purely health reasons so I can return to extended fasts more often when I get there. I’d like to see a consistent 1-2 pound loss a week, no more and no less, so shorter fasts may be in order. However, having tried daily 16:8 or 20:4 fasts that were awful experiences for me, I would still like the sort of eat-stop-eat experience rather than constant time or calorie restrictions.

I know I should probably do separate blogs since I’ve strayed from the writer/author theme on this for at least two years but I’ve tried separate blogs and I neither stuck with them nor was able to keep them more organized. I’ve given a huge wealth of writing information I’ve learned and tried, advice always framed to help you find what works for you and not assume my way works for everyone. Instead, I decided the creative chaos can live in one spot. Because my interests come in these big block phases, separate blogs would often get neglected for the months or years I pursued something else and more often than not, my very few readers just want to easily follow my cohesive journey. I may rebrand this from Unconventional Author to Unconventional Creations, something more cohesive to the many journeys I’ve taken, but I’m not sorely in need of new projects for now. I would like to finish my smaller projects before taking on more ambitious ones.

Graphic design… I haven’t lost any of that knowledge. I haven’t been clogged up with clients and mostly do small free projects but I am always quick picking up the reins and churning out sleek and sharp projects. I still use all of the programs focused on in college and haven’t gotten rusty. On occasion, I have very specific unique needs and learn new things quickly and retain them very well. Sometimes I program Actions so a task I might want to use again is a click away. 

Really, I love how my brain works when I can harness it. It’s not conventionally organized but there’s a method to the madness that gets me where I need to be and never feels like failure. Or at least failure isn’t the end and I press on to success.

Now any and all pictures I’ve promised…

Flexible Fasting

 One thing that I’ve learned in incorporating fasting into my lifestyle changes is that the weekly goal of two 36 hour fasts is not a hard rule nor does it need to be. Sometimes my body is just over it at 24 hours and that’s okay. Trying to push it can cause it to become too obsessive in my thoughts, cause pain or discomfort, and intensify cravings or probability of bingeing. After fasting, there is a high probability I’ll eat two days worth of calories in one day, but I’ve also learned that that doesn’t negate the benefits of fasting. I’m experiencing better health, better moods, and more satisfaction than sticking to a calorie restrictive diet. My sleep is improving. My muscles feel stronger and I just feel lighter on my feet, more apt to break into dance or have bursts of energy or inspiration.

Today, I even worked on one of my dolls a bit more. I’ve chiseled out some clearer plans for assembling her outfit. I detailed her shoes a bit and started work on one of her arm bands. Pretty much glue tests that I hope hold but if they do, I can start to decorate the metals with gems. Jewelry can be fiddly and frustrating though so I really have to be in the right mood for that too.

As for fasting, it does have some downsides. The worst, for me, are the liquid bowel movements. On the upside, they do look like they’re keeping me cleaned out, but it also means I can neither trust a fart nor ignore the need to go for just a few minutes. There is no safely holding it in until I’m done with something. I can either gracefully go when the urge hits or risk shutting myself. There’s really no way to sugar coat this. I simply have to accept that my digestive system gets either lazy or over-efficient. Once I break the fast, there is usually at least one more liquid or semi-solid BM but after that, it’s back to being regular. It’s very likely that the sodium I drink to keep electrolytes up in the culprit, but it’s very necessary and I’ll take the down side. I’m not working in a job where this is an issue, so now is the opportunity to deal with it. Also, this is an exchange for the migraines, stomach upset, lethargy and crankiness that comes from not keeping electrolytes up. When a whole handful of side effects is eliminated in exchange for one, there’s just no contest. I am able to do more on fasting days with electrolytes maintained so I’m not completely useless those two days either. It could become an issue for my social life if I have to hide from people those two days all the time.

The only other downside I’ve found is that I have zero alcohol tolerance. It makes me feel like garbage, I don’t recover fast and it’s not worth it. I’ll be avoiding drinking alcohol as long as I’m fasting regularly like this. If I reach a point where I’m only fasting once every week or two, maybe I’ll take a drink here and there but there will be no more than that. I can’t say I’ll miss it though. I’m just not a fan of being drunk anymore; it inhibits any hope to work on anything and makes me lazy. Maybe other people can enhance their creativity or drive with it but it does nothing for me there. Mostly just makes me moody and frustrated with myself.

So I’ll be chilling through this day until I can break fast in the morning. Almost at the 24 hour mark and it’s been a decent one. I usually like to start around 7:00 but this one started last night around 8:30. Not a big deal since I’ve been sleeping in until noon most days this week since my nephews are on fall break. Still, don’t want to fall asleep before 1 AM tonight or I risk waking up early and counting down until I can eat. Much better feeling if I can wake up having cleared the full time.

I will be weighing myself in the morning too. I usually only step on the scale every two weeks. This seems to make the weight that much more satisfying or gives me an allowance if I needed to be less strict. This has to be a flexible process so I don’t like to get too laser-focused on any of the details. If I want this to be successful as a lifestyle change, maintenance will mean it can’t become something I dread. Any point of dread means it needs serious evaluation before it becomes burnout and neglect. I’ve been there and when I reach square one after long term neglect, it’s a very bitter pill to swallow. And as I’ve learned each time, what worked before may not work again. As we age and change, our bodies will demand different processes sometimes. Much easier to make small adjustments while healthy than have to slog through all the pain and frustration of starting over.

More on Fasting

 I’m closing on a fifth week since I’ve started attempting two 36-hour fasts a week and I feel it’s time to be a bit more thorough. For one, this was not my first choice and if you have any sort of metabolic or chronic conditions, history with or risk of eating disorders or are not fully grown (for young adults, this can mean into your early 20s), methods of fasting may be difficult or completely dangerous for you. I began my curiosity with fasting because the standard methods absolutely did not work after six months of experimentation and strict diets were causing disordered eating and bad habits. Always ease into dieting and exercise plans or you risk frustrating fails or injury. Remember that fad diets can be very risky; keto can drastically elevate blood pressure and cholesterol and it is only doctor approved for the treatment of epilepsy in children. Any success for weight loss in adults is not guaranteed and is never recommended beyond six months. If you want a restrictive diet, the Mediterranean diet is the most recommended by doctors. If you’re searching for some starter points, that’ll save you hours of searching right there.

So, disclaimers and research aside, fasting is genuinely helping me. I am not tempted to fast beyond two 36-hour fasts; I am not miserable doing them but the guilt that comes from cheating on a diet doesn’t exist because the only rule I have is not to intake more than maintenance calories (which at my current weight is about 2400-2600 calories). That is usually only an issue the day I break a fast when my body can really crave carbs, which are almost always calorie busters whether they are healthy carbs or not. I experience less chronic pain, get better sleep, have less anxiety and depression and my digestion really improved. These effects were almost immediate from the first week I began to try fasting. While ADHD is neither positively nor negatively affected, I am less stressed out by either the lack of focus or hyperfocus. I am more laidback overall.

Not gonna lie; I am super sensitive to smells when fasting and I think about food constantly, but it isn’t frantic. I start to create mindful menus, contemplate how I want to break the fast, make grocery lists or just let my focus wander or obsess on the mundane. I don’t try to force myself to prioritize. I become more aware that healing my body means offering more trust to my mind and honoring its needs. I can lose my grip and be more emotional than rational and trust myself to calm down again. It’s surreal since I’ve always resisted feeling for fear I would go too far. I’m discovering that I’m more capable of relief from their release and have more control of their duration and don’t let them wander down darker pathways.

I do trust in medicine and science and research so I never found a reason to pursue ‘clean’ methods of dieting or fasting. In considering fasting as an option, I looked in to pros and cons and specifically how it had been studied in women, of different ages and genetic backgrounds. Most diets are only studied in targeted groups (mice or men, in most cases) and not in women who menstruate or are in stages of menopause. This is why I advise you to stick to simpler plans of balanced dieting, slow elimination and gradual exercise. You have to learn which disciplines work and fail to attempt alternatives. If you’ve never fasted before or have done more than missed a meal or two, it can be stressful. Stress can intensify side effects. It is recommended to start with small intermittent fasts; 12, 16, 20 and 24 hours then possibly 36 or 48. Anything longer than 72 and regardless of how healthy you are, you will need to involve a doctor, if only so they can schedule regular tests for blood, urine and stress, give you a baseline for what you need to supplement for extended fasts.

Keep in mind that some ‘fasting diets’ actually allow up to 500 calories consumption on fast days. So not fully fasting but still being able to experience some benefits of fasting for weight loss at the least. I actually avoid calories to get bursts of ketosis and autophagy benefits. You really have to research what you want out of fasting and what’s at risk to achieve those goals, weigh them accordingly.

I’ll add more of my journey later. For now, it’s promising. I am very careful to adjust to any possible negative issues. I don’t want to sugar coat anything with the potential for risks. All diet and exercise changes can be high risk for some, so while anyone can recommend what works for them a little too eagerly, always be skeptical and careful.

Fasting for Health

 Fasting is a word that used to cause me unease. I grew up with a family obsessed with being thin and a whole host of eating disorders and bad relationships with food because of it. I was always subjected to those underhanded compliments or outright insults because I ate what I liked and was a little heavier and thicker than they were. However, until my late 20s, I always had a healthy BMI. I’ve gone into this before, but in summary, taking mood stabilizers numbed me and all I did was sleep and eat for nearly a year and put on a shocking 80 lbs in doing so. Needless to say, I was pretty skeptical of doctors and medication for a long time after that as well.

I’ve also said this before, but don’t be afraid of anyone in a position to help you; just be prepared to advocate for your own problems and solutions. Don’t do their job for them, just make sure to suggest things if they don’t arrive there first. Respect their years of expertise but also remember you’re the foremost expert of your symptoms and concerns. You’re not going to make them your best ally if you’re overriding their training. 

That was a little aside but the main idea is this; what made fasting a viable option for me. I’ve spent the past seven months rigorously attempting to lose weight and be healthier in general, which I’ve also gone into the failures and frustrations in previous posts. I exercised to the point of pain and exhaustion, ate strictly in terms of calories and macros and types of food, but I was constantly fluctuating between 208-212 lbs no matter what I did. For a woman of my age and height, this amounts to being stuck with, in no uncertain terms, obesity. I teeter on the edge of overweight at 185 so this isn’t even close to ‘a little’ obese.

To say I haven’t made any strides wouldn’t be true. I’ve clearly built muscle and flexibility and areas like my face, shoulders, lower arms and stomach have shrunk a bit. However, my upper legs and upper arms, where I tend to hold most of my weight, haven’t budged at all. I do have better energy and moods but I still have pretty low days that are much rarer when I’m at my healthiest.

So I researched fasting. You’ll get a lot of mixed info, from both regular fasters and even medical doctors. However, I really dug into possible side effects, positive and negative, and came away with a renewed attitude towards the fasting process. First and foremost, I looked into accelerated autophagy, a process through which, once your body has depleted glucose and is burning more fat, your growth cells begin to speed up and streamline your immune system, getting rid of old, dead or inefficient cells and replacing them with new ones. This can also attribute to anti-aging. It sounds too good to be true, but it’s actually quite difficult to reach this stage; you can get there between 24-48 hours of fasting but studies seem to lean towards its peak being between the 48-72 hour mark. The second day of fasting is always a real test in discipline, even when you’re being safe and keeping your electrolytes up…

So reaching these burn stages between 24 and 72 are ideal. There are no real advantages I’ve seen to doing more than a 3 day fast and beyond that, it is highly suggested it be medically supervised. There are some pretty bad side effects and they are akin to what is termed ‘keto flu’ if you want to look at them. It’s a rather varied list like cramps, aches, decreased energy, diarrhea, etc. Long term or excessive fasting can lead to the opposite of good health; increased risk of diabetes, lowered immunity, kidney diseases, cardiovascular diseases and starvation complications. This is why long term frequent fasting is advised against when you’re not supervised or at the very least, testing your blood and vitals.

What really got me curious, more so than autophagy (which they’re really looking into as a possible treatment for chemo patients), are the improvements to gut health, hormonal levels and digestive issues, all of which really seem to be my setbacks in losing weight. I also like the idea of relaxing on tracking food intake for two days every week and feeling less guilty when I want to eat more.

You do need to go easy when breaking fasts of 36 hours or longer though. Refeeding  syndrome is a possibly deadly issue where you shock your system by eating too much too fast after your digestive system has slowed down or shut down once it’s used to not getting solid foods. I haven’t found this to be an issue personally. I’ve had issues like diarrhea and constipation while I’ve been adjusting but these have been expected and very temporary.

At this point, I’ve done a 3 day fast, a couple 20-24 hr fasts, and a couple full 36 hour fasts. It gets easier but you will constantly think about food if you don’t stay distracted. You will notice just how many food commercials are on TV (if you don’t pay for ad-free services). However, I’m happy to say that my weight currently sits between 204 and 206 now so it is currently dropping again. I was not expecting huge losses and I never wanted that to happen. There are a lot of bad side effects that come with dropping weight too fast and I definitely don’t want them. It’s not a huge health concern to do so so I won’t. I’m not at risk for diabetes at this time and my weight isn’t disabling. 

I will continue to fast for 36 hours twice a week for the next month at least. If the results and side effects are not worrisome, I may continue to do this for six months to a year. Every three months I’d like to do a full three days and will not be fasting at all the remainder of that week. I have also seen advice not to fast during menstrual periods, as it can cause shedding and toxicity issues as well as intensified cramps.

I have been very careful in my research since fasting is starving yourself, no matter how you word it. However, I am going to be very careful with duration, my weight loss and any symptoms I don’t like along the way. This can only be for the sake of health and I must be aware of any dysphoria or unhealthy body image perceptions. Anorexia and bulemia are NOT options here. There may be some maintenance fasting, for autophagy or weight maintenance, beyond this regimen but I am not taking this lightly. I am aware that, having tried everything, this is simply the last and safest resort towards sustainable results.

So I’m optimistic. I will be supplementing electrolyte nutrients (also discussed before) as well. I have no desire for a ‘pure’ water fast. Those just aren’t medically sound, especially with my health and hormonal issues. I feel like I’ve certainly researched enough to handle this with confidence and care and look forward to seeing where this goes.

Phases and Setbacks

 I’ve gone into details before about my struggles with becoming healthier. Over the past six months, I binged on exercise and dieted on healthy foods, carefully tracked. I lost 12 pounds in the first two months, then nothing. I bounced between 208 and 212 for four or five months. There was no way that more exercise or less food was healthier and it wasn’t a sustainable lifestyle change to do either so I was stuck. I never had luck with intermittent fasting or macros specific dieting either so I’ve looked into… scarier alternatives.

Fasting, which is essentially controlled starvation, is one of those alternatives. It’s always sounded like a one way trip to an eating disorder and it’s territory full of unhealthy assumptions and ‘clean’ elitists/purists. I’d tried an extended water fast in the past and it was torture. Headaches, hunger, no energy, it was like voluntarily giving myself a bad cold. However, I’ve looked into what sort of fasting is medically supervised and the key difference is that they push for the balance of electrolytes.

To my understanding, this involves four key elements; sodium, magnesium, potassium and calcium. Having hard tap water (filtered with carbon but still hard), calcium deficiency is never a problem and also why I never supplement it, fasting or not. Sodium was a trickier exploration. If you overdo it, take too much too fast… there will be diarrhea. Drinking salt water is torture for me, no matter how little you add, it’s never diluted enough. I’m this case, I opted for the suggestion of bouillon. Purists might balk at it since ANY calories ‘break a fast’ but then again so does anything but water. They argue about discipline but for a great deal of people interesting in positive fasting benefits, bro-ing it out over raw-dogging the water is pointless. Only spiritual fasting seems to impose the self-torture of starvation. You can achieve accelerated autophagy approaching it more reasonably. Bouillon will not spike you out of a fast and will contribute to maintaining energy and well-being throughout. I’ve read countless medical articles on this (and not the ones trying to sell their fasting formulas; you can never trust a site trying to sell anything, as they will embellish on the truth).

Which leaves magnesium and potassium, which boost each other and regulate sodium intake better. Again, you have to look at the kinds of sodium and magnesium that might work best for you since the ways they are bound seem to alter their benefits and absorption. I opted for magnesium malate and potassium citrate.

Insofar, I did a three day fast, and two 24 hour ones. I set out to do 36 hours but I’ve been more wary about looking for symptoms that they aren’t beneficial to continue. I did the 3 day fast to know what I was getting into and it made me certain those will be rarer. I’m going to aim for two 24 or 36 hour fasts a week. It’s lumped with intermittent fasting as an option but I feel like it takes the guesswork out of calorie counting for that period of time, which is a relief. At first, I was ravenous coming off of a fast, but over the past two weeks, it’s become more manageable. I am welcoming healthier foods into my diet naturally rather than trashing the pantry and inserting nothing but rabbit food. The fasts give me more wiggle room to indulge, not right away but the day after at least.

I wasn’t sure it would work, but it’s motivated me to keep up with daily workouts and has helped with my physical progress and pain levels. I’m not getting huge results with weight loss but I was 209 pounds at my doctor's visit a week ago and 205 this morning. I haven’t seen 205 yet so this is a promising low.

I was miserable all the time on a restrictive diet and I think that stress was only gripping onto my weight. This sort of fasting is giving me both careful discipline and a break from the tracking and restricting. I have more freedom to eat and it becomes easier to make better choices with that freedom. I can essentially fast to reset my digestive system and cell regeneration.

It may or may not help with losing weight. I’m not going to go to more drastic or miserable measures to do it. I just want to be healthier, to have better control of my mind and body. It is always a balance though. It is too easy for these desires to become obsessions, to become controlled by the need for discipline and lose sight of the goals for health. I carefully track my fasts. I’m not going to keep extending them to see how far I can push when it becomes easier. I will not exceed 2 36 hour fasts a week, with maybe a 3 day fast every few months (and not doing the shorter fasts at all that week). 

It’s the benefits of fat burning states and autophagy I am most interested in. I’m not interested in super low-carb diets to upkeep ketosis. I’ve seen too many studies where ketosis heightens the chance of diabetes and other chronic conditions. If you’re not getting your blood tested frequently with these things, you’re pulling some big risks. Which is why I opted for short fasts that I give myself room to bail on. In six months, I’ll be getting a check up with my doctor to have bloodwork so I don’t want to see any startling negative changes from overdoing it unsupervised.

I just wanted to make a change that might reduce stress and achieve better results. What worked before doesn’t work now. I exercised intensely daily and ate very little. I dropped weight fast and gained muscle but it was too miserable to maintain and I completely abandoned it altogether. Trying to do it that way again because it ‘worked’ hit me with the cold reality that I’m older, my hormones are different and it won’t work like that anymore. 

So I’m going to give this reset concept a go for a few months. I do yoga stretches daily as well as some cardio boxing or weight exercises. I still exercise but more intuitively than habitually. I see and feel improvements that don’t push me to injury and setbacks. I’m regaining energy, mobility and better moods. As long as these positives remain, I know I’m on the right track.

I know this isn’t the most interesting news, but I’m very certain that my creativity will stay blocked until I learn to balance it with good health practices. I won’t be able to focus on that aspect of myself when I’m physically miserable. Mentally, I check out too. I keep hoping there will be a triumphant return to my creative productivity but that will require looking after my physical health. You need energy, stamina and motivation to be creative and I’ve been sorely depleted by these two challenging years. It will take some time to get that back and I can’t force that. Stress hormones don’t reward you when you get too pushy. They’ll just shut you down.

So here’s to finding that balance again. Small doses of all the right things. We’ll see.

Ice Cream and Crying

 I don’t really want to get into what’s happening right now. The storm hasn’t passed and the blubbering that happens when I’m ravaged by emotion makes for something too incomprehensible to clarify for others. Just know that I always thought ice cream and crying was some bullshit that TV and movies invented that doesn’t work (like that weird thing where someone dies and they push the eyelids closed; I tried that with my dog after he died and they don’t close like that, at least not right away. I didn’t try for hours to see if that changed) but, ahem… it works. Even when it’s some shitty keto diet coffee chip ice cream because the nearby store doesn’t carry my Haagen Dazs brand coffee. I didn’t cry until I couldn’t breathe, if only because it’s really hard to eat when you can’t see the spoon.

My cats are worried about me too. They’re following more closely than usual. They can probably feel my higher than usual anxiety. They’re not cuddling or anything but they’ve been keeping me in view all day. When I went to the store, they were right at the door when I came back so I know they waited there the whole time. She-Ra always does it but Seven was there today too.

I’m going to try to explain the facts, sans emotional blubbering. I suspected my sister started using again. Midweek, she came home, talking more rapid than usual. Dad says alcohol but I know better. I can always smell alcohol on her and she’s been avoiding it because she’s on a diet for her liver, which is possibly cirrhotic. Anxiety has been high around here for months, between Dad’s constant restless bitching and my sister going back to work and the boys going back to school, things are changing a lot, maybe too much, and I’ve been trying too hard to be the glue that can’t possibly hold it all together. So I’ve been gravitating back to just trying to hold it together for me and the boys, just hoping I can keep them out of all the bullshit. I want so badly for them to rise above it and be so much better than this.

And that’s where I have to stop because I always get choked up worrying about them. Look, I really don’t know if they know how bad things are. They can probably feel it more than they’re letting on but I really don’t want it to touch them. I hope I can even give them what they need to get out and never look back. Not even for me. Which means I’ve never been expecting an award for doing this, or any repayment for good deeds either. It’s okay to just slip back into the muck as long as I can get them the hell out of it.

I know that sounds bleak but I haven’t given up on me either. I still hope and tread water too, trying to pull my own life together against the odds. But if that means holding my breath and going under to make sure my nephews don’t sink too, that’s where I have to be right now. I just can’t soar high and think they’ll be okay until I can come back for them. There isn’t any leeway for them if I look away for a moment. I can’t trust anyone to put them first. I can’t let them ever think for one moment that they’re in this alone. I’ve been there and even as an adult, it still traumatizes me.

But that’s ultimately why I’m a bleeding-heart liberal. I know how bitter and terrified and bleak it is to be left alone in hell. We can do better for other people. Other people don’t have to suffer just because we did or ‘that’s just the way it is’. That’s not a world I want future generations will ever think of as normal. It’s not normal. I know there are people who put their kids first, families who didn’t abandon them. We can’t sit around and fucking normalize abuse and trauma and pretend like being crippled is just the way we should all be. It’s ‘life is unfair’ when things are bad for someone else and ‘it’s only fair’ when we’re the ones disadvantaged. I care because someone has to. Being a selfish asshole is never okay. 

So… eat ice cream and cry sometimes. I thought I was on the verge of a panic attack or maybe a heart attack but that weight has lifted. Somewhat. I’m at the crux of situations that could get much worse. But all the more reason to start self-care now. When I absolutely have to step in, I know I’m the last resort so I can’t fail. If I make that weight too heavy, I’ll fail too. This isn’t about a prize at the end. My burdens won’t just fall away as I ride a rainbow into utopia. I could suddenly make a million in book sales and it doesn’t change that I’ve got a dysfunctional family and nephews I’m trying to keep well above it. Money just doesn’t change all the pain and challenges. It will never be enough glue to keep the ship afloat. I want to be successful but I’m also very damaged. Being rich and famous won’t make people nicer. People will still be selfish. But damned if I don’t keep looking for those niches, those little pockets of air, to take one long cleansing breath before diving into murky waters again.

Keep. It. Together. Ever wondered why I use the name Kita sometimes? Keep It Together, Always. I can unravel a bit but I’ve gotta gather it up and keep pushing on. 

I Quit!

 Two words that seem so high drama, but lemme assure thee, not quite so serious. I’ve stuck to my resolve to stop using social media. For the most part. I think Quora counts as social media but I mostly use it as a sort of random fact finding rabbit hole, just steering clear of the social-media-esque drama that seems to leak everywhere. It just seems like the easiest platform to avoid the worst of it and still enjoy pop culture and random knowledge tidbits. Although, I should probably use that one less too because…

Procrastination and severe mood swings. Could be some subconscious build-up to turning 40, but I suspect it has more to do with the permeation of spam, ads and poor targeting algorithms aimed at fucking over our already pandemic-assaulted psyches. Ads always seemed full of scammers or ‘maybe you’re too fat’ or religious ads. As for that last one, I don’t know if the algorithm pretend atheism is the same as a religion and they’re all the same or if it’s proselytizing to us poor misguided heathens, but it’s constant and predatory. For every three posts that may or may not be a friend I actually want to hear from, there’s a nail in the head to the self-esteem to knock you down. I tried just going into the Watch category or sticking to groups, but the random stream of videos tended to throw in a depressing one here and there (you like funny cat videos? You’ll love this one of a cat near death that gets healthy again!) or the groups just got catty over politics or identity, the exact opposite of what I want when looking for inspiration or amazing hobby work. 

I… really just don’t want to find the handful of people I care about across the social minefield anymore. There’s this thick poisonous cloud of entitlement to opinion and undeserved ego to find any real grain of truth existing in humanity. People have devolved to insisting they’re telling the ‘truth’ fearlessly and unfiltered, but it’s bullying and posturing on a level you’d never take it to with a stranger in real life because you never know who’s carrying a gun ready to pop you in a sudden rage for saying shit that hateful. People have begun confusing strong emotion for absolute truth. But our realities are overlapping less in these confusing power fantasies online.

Honestly… I’d rather be lonely and isolated in my room than engage in a very unhealthy online popularity contest. One of my real life friends, Matt, has been very vocal about ‘quitting social media’ but I keep seeing this slew of notifications prior to leaving myself and then a blog about “friends” that hurt more than a little. He doesn’t read my blog so he won’t see this anyway. I wanted to reply directly but I couldn’t remember my damn Wordpress login and gave up.

On the upside, he simply called me a friend and not a “friend” as he tore down the others listed. He basically said he wishes we talked more (sentiment shared) but is still bitter that I agreed with another “friend” that he was too negative. He was. And is. And I know depression is selfish because I’ve been extremely depressed over the course of the last year. Fucking hell, that means I absolutely cannot fucking let the blind lead me, the also-blind. We would walk each other off of a cliff so he can be mad at me, but I can’t help him; I do not have the strength to handle rejection. I’m old-hat when it comes to depression, which means I know how common it is to either avoid people or push them away like an asshole. I’ve learned to do the former because the latter always makes it worse. You end up on the asking forgiveness step of a 12 step program when you regret what a monstrous ass you’ve been. I just have to hope he figures that out because I cannot reach out. A strong wind could scatter me right now. I cannot mentally handle being told I’m not enough or how to make someone feel better.

I don’t want anyone to worry reading this. I know when I’ve reached critical point and I know it means an emergency room visit and possibly a psych ward stay. It’s been years but I know the signs. When I get too numb or start fantasizing about death or saying goodbye, I go get checked. I know I can’t get better on my own and need medication. This isn’t a fault I can help or blame myself for. It’s a chemical overload and it takes a chemical kick. I politely tell the doctors I do not want talk therapy, which makes it worse because it’s not triggered by rational thought. I would have to invent something that makes sense to them, when I honestly never know what triggered it. I’ve been confused by it since I was a preteen and it’s not more clear to me now. It might have been accelerated by traumas but the triggers don’t make sense. I can be perfectly happy and suddenly slammed with an irrational anxiety.

I didn’t mean to make this a mental health post though. I feel like sometimes I’m more honest because I used to feel like no one felt like I do but know that other people’s honesty helped me realize that’s not true at all. Modern times have screwed up a lot of people. People aren’t coping with the speed of change or how fast we’ve outgrown an outdated history. Technology and especially social media used to be an exciting haven of discovery but became toxic with all the posturing and ‘honesty’. We are being less honest.

So that’s why I quit. I want to say yes to a normal life again. I want a healthy body and a healthy mind. I was getting very, very sick and I’ve had to make some drastic but very gentle changes. I am still fragile but I’m finding strength in my habits and plans.

Be a quitter too, if you’re ready. You might find that you are more yourself, more honest, when you’re not fishing for online approval. Connecting with people or passions more in the present. We need to share reality again, but we can’t do that solely in virtual spaces. There is no courage stronger than looking into each other’s eyes and using our mouths and spoken words, our tones and inflections, to truly speak. 

There’s hope. In balance, in compromise, in progress. Reach for it. Heal yourself and heal each other.