This, Too, Shall Pass!

And who can argue with Gandalf?

I know, I know, that's not what he says. Welcome to my head. When I use this little four word pep talk, I absolutely see this epic scene where Gandalf goes toe to toe with the Balrog play out in my head.

It's certainly effective when the nasty fingers of doubt, the darkest parts of my soul, the things I'll swear with bravado are behind me because 'I'm stronger now.'

I'd love to say that is why I'm drawn to writing fantasy, that it's simple escapism. It's true enough that it's therapy in disguise, but it's not just there when I'm sucked into the darkness. In fact, nothing is in the darkness and fantasy is not always sitting there with its hand out, telling you it will all be okay.

You'll find that writing groups and author circles are often full of people that will remind you that this state of being is unexceptional. More often than not, the thick of it is also paralyzing and you'll see people panicking as to what they can do so that it doesn't slip away.

More often than not, I won't talk about those dark times and I won't reach out to anyone either. It's usually a good sign that I'm coping if I do. Often it's the silliest thing that tilts me out of those stupid pits of hell; the motivational Gandalfs or the British voice of reason (because oddly enough, a good dry insult is comedy gold for me).

This post isn't really going to go deeper. There are plenty of posts that will dive into the personal aspects of rock bottom, but since I'm writing about it, I'm just not actually there. It's like the absurdly wealthy trying to convince you they remember what it's like to be poor. Our brains are actually trained to ditch that shit as soon as possible. Even if we remember it quite clearly, survival instincts file it under 'let's not go there again.'

Last week, I was actually functioning while in a bad physical and mental state. I managed to do some coherent editing and meet my goals. It's probably because of that stubborn insistence that I'm not still in that state of mind. Do I want to talk about it? Not really because it doesn't have a catalyst, some current tragedy to explain it. It just happens. Well, aren't I ineffective when in that state? Eh, probably, sort of, but let me tell you, if you can still manage to pay attention to what you're editing in that state, it's probably pretty amazing stuff. It definitely means that some things have to be looked at again when I'm less foggy, but here's the thing-- it's actually kind of valuable. While ideally, I like to edit when I'm neutral about my work and when I love it, there's a gold mine in when you're sure you're going to hate your work. You're becoming your own objective audience-- you've got your superfan, your passerby, and your troll all right there.

I'm not really hiding anything; I'm just manipulating my own feelings into something usable. Armed with Gandalf, a sense of humor and a story, I'm ready to trample my trolls.

In case my people are wondering, I tackled an impromptu screenplay edit and finished editing the first part of UnSung. Tomorrow, I'm going to read an origin story first before tackling either proceeding with UnSung or doing some cover art. Either way, I'm armed with some pretty solid weapons in the fight ahead.

Do what you gotta do and keep writing.