Sometimes You Need a Little Motivation

Simply put, I'm monitoring many aspects of my health. I've gotten back some wonderful blood test results that were... Maybe a little TOO comforting. However, my LDL (bad) cholesterol came back as borderline high. It's not the worst news since the offset of HDL (good cholesterol) is well within a healthy range. This means that it's not a huge red flag, but my love of eggs and dairy needs to be cut down.

I consider it a great thing. I've been wanting to find motivation to improve my mental and physical health, I haven't quite had the strong push I needed to be more aggressive with the physical. Since I started Cymbalta on a low dose, I've stumbled on some side effects that concern me: vivid dreams that startle me awake but are instantly forgotten, for one. I also feel a kind of detachment to my surroundings and it takes longer for me to motivate myself to move. Sometimes I catch my breathing being too shallow, a little dizziness and being tired. While it definitely helped remove lethargy and nerve pain, it seems a little too intrusive on the rest. I decided not to take it today and message my doctor to see what she has to say. I can always switch to Lyrica if this one doesn't work out. I really, really don't want to pretend I'm okay with any medication that trades too heavily on my goals, but this could be just due to my low drug tolerance and something that could taper off.

I veered off a little but the cholesterol test had me dropping workout videos into a playlist and pulling out my old P90X3 schedule. I want to pick that back up on Monday, see if I can get back into circuit training. This hot, volatile summer has made me lazy in more ways than one and I know that one way I can restore my energy and drive is to drop a few pounds again. Which also means that I'll be using every drop of energy trying to restore it. It was losing a bunch of weight the first time that motivated me to be creative again, but I know this time, I'll have to maintain both to feed the other.

Though my memory isn't always great, I do know that each successful trip into healthy, happy days always began with being scared shitless. Spraining my ankle on a tiny curb and a high blood pressure scare set me into exercising. Looking at files and files of unfinished projects scared me into being creatively ambitious. While it's very difficult for me to maintain focus, I'm hoping that medication can improve that in time too. 

But I don't like it. Even 'non-addictive' medicines don't comfort me because it's not the physical reliance that scares me as much as the insistence on half-assed habits that wreck some other aspect of health. I can't just obsess on diet and exercise if it means ignoring my creative progress, and vice versa. Yet it's very difficult for me not to obsess on the one thing making me happiest. I just have to learn to consolidate my health into a layered motivation, being conscious of all the things that will make sure happiness isn't a phase of euphoria in one and neglect of something else.

Being conscious of that isn't an epiphany. There were obstacles that left me scattered and grasping for answers. Yet now that I'm well and truly afraid again, the little rebel in me is gearing up to fight for what must be done.

Don't be afraid to be scared. Be afraid that nothing scares you enough to seek change.