Magic Pill

There are few diagnoses that ever led to solutions for problems in my life. Bipolar Type II, sure, fibromyalgia, ouch, GERD, eh... The list went on with little relief, each one not really explaining where my energy and focus went and why treating them wasn't making them come back.

ADHD. Didn't really think that was it. I internalized unexplained anxiety, causing mood swings and lack of impulse control. I wasn't an outward exhibitor, largely because surviving in my environment meant a poker face and suppressive methods. Rather than becoming more socially adept, I was becoming increasingly frustrated with not being able to get it. Any of it.

However, I was willing to accept anything a doctor could tell me, get back on medications and be honest with myself. It wasn't until I started taking Vyvanse that I started really seeing myself. The body aches are less. The focus and energy to actually do things I love is back. I'm working on projects more often and having less anxiety about the unfinished things, just enjoying what I'm doing in the moment. With ADHD, there is a tendency to either have no focus or an intense stubborn focus on one thing. I'm both more flexible with having to put something down and less anxious about starting things.

I'm not going to say it's a miracle, but it's promising. A little stimulant is helping me wrangle my brain without the fear I'm becoming too numb or losing myself. It's helping me get back what matters most.

Vyvanse isn't for everyone. I've known some who do better with Adderall. What comforts me about Vyvanse is its lower addictive properties. If longer term side effects are negative, it's less damaging to withdraw from it.

I've been the frustrated Guinea pig in the past but my resolve to be honest about my problems, even when I'm confused, is making a big difference. Public knowledge of ADHD, autism and mental illness is making doctors more aware of what to ask confused patients. Because I'm very intelligent, ADHD was overlooked. Of course, ADHD was once attributed to hyperactive children who struggle with tests. Until markers like focus were examined (I aced tests but skirted around homework. Did class work well but never studied.), doctors were missing what made me awkward, sensitive and frustrated. Teachers were struggling to understand the extremities.

I talk about this because every story can help someone make a breakthrough. People CAN find a way to live their best life if they can learn to balance their chemistry. Now, I'll never be normal, sometimes inappropriate, always socially awkward, but when something can blow away the fog and pain that doesn't make sense, what is left is room for what I want.

I always wondered why Adderall didn't speed me up like it did my peers. But now it makes sense why it was just making me feel the normal that people talked about.

I hope Vyvanse is a lasting solution. I've had very little luck in the past, but a whole lot of hope. Maybe now I can start to do more normal things, like drive a car or go on a date. Okay, maybe just drive. I've never been that interested in dating.

Anyways, back to crochet for tonight. Quite a bit to do before Christmas!

Adding an edit here, something I don't often do. I am very optimistic but when it comes to drugs, I feel the need to be more responsible about my observations.

Mornings suck. When I wake up, I immediately take a handful of medicines to shake off the feeling of being 80 years old. Sour or cramping stomach, body aches everywhere, lethargy. I walk the boys to school feeling like I'm hiking up a bumpy mountain. It takes about half and hour to an hour for everything to make me feel normal and it's almost euphoric to get there. Keep in mind, that euphoria isn't somehow making normal people superhuman and happy. If you don't need drugs like Adderall or Vyvanse, you might feel more focused or hyper, but your risk of dependency and the downside of negative side effects more than someone who does. Because people who are using a drug they don't need are abusing it, and that comes with all the things addicts are often in denial of.

I don't mean to lecture my readers, but it's so important to understand the messages we hear about drugs. At the grocery store up the street from my house, a man was overdosing on heroin in the parking lot. We live in a world where people are chasing false highs at alarming rates and the denial is even greater.

So I hope you understand that my magic pill is simply helping me function on a normal adult level. I'm not free of problems and anxieties, I'm just in a place where my body stops giving me so many false signals. I'm experiencing benefits like impulse control, focus, energy, things people take for granted. I can't blame people for taking things for granted because everyone is struggling.... All the same, where I mostly function as a scared teenager, I've been able to come out of my shell a bit to do things the rest of the world does easily.

I feel incredibly lucky that I can work with doctors who care. Right now, that is largely due to being on poor people's insurance. I can't stress enough how much ALL Americans, even ones who can afford it, should not have to pay for basic or life saving medical needs. So I'm going to close with that. Medicare for ALL. Americans can't be our greatest if we aren't healthy!

Sometimes You Need a Little Motivation

Simply put, I'm monitoring many aspects of my health. I've gotten back some wonderful blood test results that were... Maybe a little TOO comforting. However, my LDL (bad) cholesterol came back as borderline high. It's not the worst news since the offset of HDL (good cholesterol) is well within a healthy range. This means that it's not a huge red flag, but my love of eggs and dairy needs to be cut down.

I consider it a great thing. I've been wanting to find motivation to improve my mental and physical health, I haven't quite had the strong push I needed to be more aggressive with the physical. Since I started Cymbalta on a low dose, I've stumbled on some side effects that concern me: vivid dreams that startle me awake but are instantly forgotten, for one. I also feel a kind of detachment to my surroundings and it takes longer for me to motivate myself to move. Sometimes I catch my breathing being too shallow, a little dizziness and being tired. While it definitely helped remove lethargy and nerve pain, it seems a little too intrusive on the rest. I decided not to take it today and message my doctor to see what she has to say. I can always switch to Lyrica if this one doesn't work out. I really, really don't want to pretend I'm okay with any medication that trades too heavily on my goals, but this could be just due to my low drug tolerance and something that could taper off.

I veered off a little but the cholesterol test had me dropping workout videos into a playlist and pulling out my old P90X3 schedule. I want to pick that back up on Monday, see if I can get back into circuit training. This hot, volatile summer has made me lazy in more ways than one and I know that one way I can restore my energy and drive is to drop a few pounds again. Which also means that I'll be using every drop of energy trying to restore it. It was losing a bunch of weight the first time that motivated me to be creative again, but I know this time, I'll have to maintain both to feed the other.

Though my memory isn't always great, I do know that each successful trip into healthy, happy days always began with being scared shitless. Spraining my ankle on a tiny curb and a high blood pressure scare set me into exercising. Looking at files and files of unfinished projects scared me into being creatively ambitious. While it's very difficult for me to maintain focus, I'm hoping that medication can improve that in time too. 

But I don't like it. Even 'non-addictive' medicines don't comfort me because it's not the physical reliance that scares me as much as the insistence on half-assed habits that wreck some other aspect of health. I can't just obsess on diet and exercise if it means ignoring my creative progress, and vice versa. Yet it's very difficult for me not to obsess on the one thing making me happiest. I just have to learn to consolidate my health into a layered motivation, being conscious of all the things that will make sure happiness isn't a phase of euphoria in one and neglect of something else.

Being conscious of that isn't an epiphany. There were obstacles that left me scattered and grasping for answers. Yet now that I'm well and truly afraid again, the little rebel in me is gearing up to fight for what must be done.

Don't be afraid to be scared. Be afraid that nothing scares you enough to seek change.

Nerd Pretty

First off, I'm going to come right out and say I'm not beautiful. I know it's subjective and I'm not about downing myself either. Realistically, I have a classic look and can even be cute or pretty at times. I'm not here to lament being thrust into nerd culture because I needed an escape from looking like a cave troll. Maybe that's what makes some of the trolls of nerddom bitter-- that it was somewhat of a choice but more of a compulsion. That I COULD have been 'cool' because I'm not genetically unfortunate, maybe (at least aesthetically). At worst, I really haven't met that many people that give me shit for being a geek/nerd but when it happens, it's weird as hell.

No one is 'too pretty' to be a nerd. I realize you'll find a stereotypical pocket of elitist social rejects that think the only exception to the culture are the hot cosplayers that get hired to dress like their spank fantasies. Want but can't have and still bash them and other nerds-that-didn't-have-a-choice or some dumb shit excuse. Even when you can find countless devoted hotties, male and female, that genuinely enjoy the fandom (outside of being fit and hot) across social media, you'll still find this disbelief. They actually do more than spend thousands of hours making costumes for anyone else because they're actually fans that are doing it for themselves. Yes, maybe it turned out to be a lucrative fluke, but do yourself a favor, fuck off with the m'ladies and kind-sirs and talk to them like people and you'll find some actual fans.

Granted, you still get the 'nerrrd lol' girls who put on fake glasses and hold controllers wrong. It's mildly annoying but ignorable. However, this also set nerd girls back for a while, giving the treasure trolls license to think they could legitimize whether attractive girls could be nerds at all. They can and are and no one needs a gatekeeper to decide enjoyment. Elites are why games and fandoms die. You need the curious noobs to keep the numbers up and keep it afloat. Really, if a pretty girl wants to fake-nerd, enjoy the meme and be glad the name is crossing boundaries. We really can't be mad at 'impostors' because, like it or not, we depend on casuals too.

Here's another thing: most guys I've met, even when surprised, don't need any convincing and are thrilled when 'legitimate' female fans come along. Not all of them automatically set out to court me like I was destined to be their future wife (although you do get one here and there that clearly wants to skip over friendship or has expectations and it gets creepy, scary and even demanding, controlling and abusive if not shut down). I feel for the social rejects, but I think sometimes they get too comfortable in their escapes. They crawl out, demanding fantasy from reality and lose sight of why it's worth it to learn reality with an ounce of what they apply to the fantasy.

It's a strange mix out there, but even when girl gaming culture became widespread, there are still strange assignments I run into. Still people thinking I'm a casual Candy Crush kind of gamer. Young boys don't question young girl gamers but are pretty shocked that someone their mom's age actually loves PS4 and will forego sleep to marathon a great game. My generation of female gamers, if we didn't give up gaming for careers or families, are still seen as a rarity, something that may always raise eyebrows. The box just follows me, but I never minded it even when the occasional troll set out to de-legitimize it because fuck Halo and Call of Duty. If I want to shoot things, I play Uncharted. Preferences exist within a fandom and knowing a little about everything doesn't trump being preferential in a smaller sphere. Again, this is a nerd/geek distinction. Nerds tend to be strict fact-hoarders where geeks are content to latch onto certain aspects and lock it down. I'm willing to concede many people probably know more about a lot of things I love more than I do, but it doesn't take away from the many hours I spent investing in it for very different reasons and results.

I'm using games as the example, but it does go for comics, anime, books-- largely when my tastes don't fall into the pink feminine genres, bypass the happy medium, and end up in he-man territory. My tastes are everywhere and I'll always encourage people to try genres that wouldn't be their first choice. There's a lot of fun to be had in not being a genre purist. There's also gates to crash, trolls to butt heads with, and... quite frankly, I do hesitate to cluster with fans.

I'm sure you've come across it, but sometimes fandoms can kill the love for something. There's really nothing shittier than losing the love of something for being told how you should love it.

I could go on with all of the aspects of fandom/geekdom/nerddom that suck, but really, it's the aesthetic part that really only ever makes me self-conscious. People have to suspend disbelief when I warn them I'm a geek (sometimes a nerd). I don't really wear the uniform and I am not entirely socially retarded. I've been accepted just to be rejected when I don't want to be romanced either. My sexuality is something that makes every area of my life more complex. I'm not rejecting advances, waiting for a 'better' choice and it's hard for people to wrap their head around that too.

Ultimately, I don't care if you doubt that I'm a geek/nerd. Call it a privilege, but it's a compliment that someone is not automatically hostile, that it IS a choice to be a fan or a hermit or whatever label you throw at it. I'm happy that I can adapt and that I've also been able to continue my passion for things without needing permission. I don't feel the need to prove that I'm a bigger fan. I enjoy the hell out of Cons. I raise nephews that will never ever think that a girl gamer/fan is a weird thing.

I don't really need to fight the assholes on this because they defeat themselves over time. I would say I pity them, but that's condescending as fuck and they know damn well what they've chosen and what they have to deal with. They've found a niche for their outcast status and they also can't hoard it. In fact, deep down, they know they need people to love it despite their attempts to chase people off. In some ways, they probably think they're forging and tempering future fans, testing them to see if they have what it takes to carry the torch.

I'm cool with that. Perceptions tend to be stubborn, but they're not the end of the world. I know nerds/geeks really lamented how 'cool' nerd culture became, but we'd never have the explosion of fantasy and sci-fi on Netflix without the mainstream demand. And you can't say it's all watered-down garbage. The underground has seen the light. Game of Thrones has incredible computer graphics and one of the most amazing soundtracks. People either love it or hate it (and that goes for the books-- and not mutually exclusive) but each one keeps the torch lit for the next genre hits to have a chance.

Let's face it-- nerds don't really spend all that much time assessing other nerds. We've got fandoms to absorb, after all.