Why I’m Not Friends With ‘Them’

First off, there is not a certain group of people I’m deliberately not friends with. It’s never been in my nature, and in fact, in most people’s nature, to exclude this way. We are all aware these days that hate is a learned behavior based on experiences. 

Surprisingly, I don’t automatically block people on social media just for being a Trump supporter, though I’ve been accused of such. Well, what do all the people I’ve deplatformed from my life have in common?

Well, they’re abusive, quite simply. Sure, it’s mildly annoying when I have friends that can’t shut-up about Trump or Democrats in general but I’m really a left-leaning moderate. I don’t get personally offended by generalizations of parties or candidates. I get annoyed by opinions presented as fact, but the common thread for what constitutes as the last straw is simply those who revert to personal abuse.

It’s not a coincidence that they often happen to be Trump supporters because those in deep are in brand for the bully they idolize. Somehow, the pattern of that being in common somehow makes me intolerant against all Trump supporters. While that support is annoying, I still have friends that say so on occasion. Thing is, they’re still decent people and that support doesn’t encompass their identity or personality. We have some very different ideals for what we believe is better, but we remain civil. Our silence against what we find annoying in each other is not subservience or weakness, but respect.

And here’s the crux of it: no one has to tolerate hate, to let other people make them miserable, just for some fucked-up idea that everyone should have a platform. You are free to have a platform in America; you are not free to force everyone to endure it. You are free to laugh that I am a snowflake or a bitch or a libtard or a Democrat, which is easy to do since neither of us are invested in each other.

However, I see it as responsible and mature. And if you think I am toxic or making you miserable, I will also accept you blocking my voice for your own well-being too. What isn’t working are the personal attacks, the sudden shift from finding out I’m not a Trump supporter to calling me names, blaming me for the false info they conjure up about Democrats, treating anyone as if they are subhuman when they fall short of some rigid, personal moral compass of their parroted cult mentality.

Why would we pretend the high ground means giving a platform to abusers? This isn’t ‘cancel culture’; I’m not telling everyone else they’re a piece of shit and demanding they get fired or blocked or exiled. I am prioritizing my own mental health, not deciding how everyone else should feel about them.

I don’t care what you believe in, what you’re born with, any of that; how you treat people determines if I will tolerate you, whether I even want to get to know you. I have similarly block extreme liberals, racists of all races, misogynists, bigots, homophobes... and really, I’m not PC about it either. You can joke about anything with me, but shit gets dark quick when I can tell you’re absolutely sincere.

I’ll be vulnerable enough to admit I’ve sustained a lot of mental abuse in my life. If you’ve seen psychological horror movies, that’s a reality I’ve lived. I’ve been stalked, sexually abused, gaslighted and tormented by psychopaths. I’ve had relatives who abuse the societal expectation that we should forgive family to deepen the abuse. I’m not ‘triggered’ by its presence in entertainment either. The reality is much more intense. What I will NOT do is let people manipulate others into tolerating their abusive mentality, to endure the misery they deliberately cause then act as if they are innocent. 

It stops being about your politics, your age, your race, your gender, your religion, your orientation, your privilege or lack thereof. At any point, the absolute only deal-breaker is simply how you treat someone.

One thing we learn to look for is not always how we’re directly treated, but how they treat the waiter, the mailman, the delivery person, the cashier. It’s a red flag when a cat or other pet seems to instantly hate someone sometimes too. Over time, people have realized they feel better stepping away from social media... however, they miss the positive parts too. Instead of blaming the program, we learn to utilize the features, to get rid of the sources of our persistent misery, to trim our friends list down from the days we just added everyone indiscriminately, to join well-moderated groups that focus on our interests and passions, to watch videos the algorithms learn we want to see more of. And yes, the ads and videos both learn your positive preferences more as you decide to focus more positively.

Eventually, your positive choices do begin to lift your moods, reflect more on what social media shows you. Rather than be a doormat for the ‘freedom’ of assholes to wipe their feet on, you get to share what you’re good at and care about and hear more gratitude, learn more about what you love and improve your skills.

It’s never a skill to tolerate abuse. You will never get better at it or grow from it. You’ll never be the bigger person under the shoe of a smaller person. It’s a waste of time and effort, to always accommodate a stagnant mindset that never allows you to express yourself either. Whatever is kind and loving and forgiving and good will never shine under constant shade.

So yes, I will instantly block you for those offenses. I’m not going to worry about if statistically I’m blocking too many of x group because what if I look like a bigot? Those who matter already know the actual reason. I did not overcome my struggles to keep reopening a cycle for abusers. I know how to recognize who is toxic for me and won’t subscribe to it. 

Abusers have egos that won’t allow them to understand that. Despite the fact they would do the same for themselves and those they love, they simply aren’t willing to believe they do anything wrong to anyone else. They are not willing to accept the simple fact that good people can not like them. They draw lines that always pass blame, define others as good or bad under no uncertain terms, and have to control every situation. In fact, they’ll even say they aren’t abusers because none of those things describe them.

The scary thing is that abuse has become so normalized in regular social interactions that the offenders sometimes aren’t consciously aware of how shitty it is. That’s why it has become such a danger to ‘feed the trolls’. Even attempting to gently correct the slight can cause someone to get defensive and blow it up worse. People gaslight each other easily; A says something, B gets offended, A says it’s a joke instead of just apologizing and says something more offensive. It’s rarely a joke if you have to condescendingly say that it is. Even if meant as a joke, it failed. If you want to laugh off your failure, admit that you suck at gauging your audience and move on.

I could go on and on about how much pressure we’ve been putting on each other as a society, to always say or do the ‘right’ things but never apologize when you fuck up, but I’d be typing all night. Essentially, we just have to be more in tune with which people are just good or bad for us personally. As an American, my countrymen truly need to stop redefining and confusing everything, from morals to freedom to what it is okay to feel. Individually, too many of us are expecting others to confirm to our personal realities, which is a demented fantasy. You can’t treat others like NPCs because you’re the true hero of the tale. 

Yeah, I’ve strayed from the heading topic as usual, but let’s all reevaluate just how much we expect people to cooperate with our bullshit. And how invested we are in bullshit that blinds us to why people might not want shit to do with us.