Next Generation

One thing I've always been careful of is not impressing my interests upon my nephews. I know many parents do this with all of their so-called wisdom and good intentions involved but that sort of attitude  did me no favors growing up. We tend to put laser focus on what we perceive to be the mistakes of our upbringing. Not always to go to one extreme or the other, but the tougher job of balancing it out.

I've always been very proud of my hobbies, interests and skills so it certainly doesn't do any good to tuck them away shamefully. However, things like religious beliefs as well as interests are something I minded how I was responding to their curiosity of it. There are extremes that can happen. You can push too much and cause a rebellious aversion. Or they will be inclined to please you, to become miserable with the need to exceed your expectations. It's not even exposure to or misrepresentation of my interests that I was careful about but the level with which I wanted them to feel comfortable asking me, both as an authority figure and a friendly confidant.

Just saying it that way makes it seem like I was overthinking it, I know, but it became important that when they did show an interest, my reaction was neither false nor blunt. When they draw pictures, I didn't just gush and throw it on the fridge, I did little critiques, pointing out what I specifically liked most and asking them what they were thinking or feeling or had in mind. When they write a story, I throw in little facts as I read it out loud, teach them new words, ask them where they see it going if it wasn't done. Even when it's not something I'm interested in or know about, I find ways to question them, to see what they enjoy about it rather than persuade them to like or dislike something the way I do. Age doesn't carry much weight with me in terms of learning something new and I'm happy just to see something from a new perspective. Creativity already affords me a place for ego and control so making a focused effort on directing it elsewhere to share it is the key to finding growth externally.

That being said, they've started REALLY watching anime recently, a pastime that was precious to me for a chunk of my life, and one they know inspires my art even though I don't watch it (on occasion I still sing Japanese theme songs though). Not just the usual like Pokemon or Yugi-Oh but lately it's been One Punch Man, Attack on Titan and My Hero Academia. I was around their age when I started watching it too although until Sailor Moon came along and I was reading Animerica magazine, I'd never heard the term anime. The earliest anime I watched was Voltron and then Ronin Warriors. I'm old school otaku and I can talk about ones like Perfect Blue, Ranma 1/2, X(/1999), Galaxy Express 999 and Hana Yori Dango, but I haven't actually watched anime in over ten years. Not since I started watching Korean and Taiwanese dramas (and even that is becoming scarce). On occasion, I'll watch the amazing 3D anime style movies they're making. Captain Harlock and Final Fantasy:Advent Children are some of the most visually beautiful to date.

Their love of anime is for them. I'm not scrambling to jump back in and regale them with tales of my fandom, although they do ask from time to time and I'm happy to answer. It's even more satisfying and gratifying when they stumble into my interests the same way I did. Hidden treasures are the sort of things I strongly believe must be found for yourself. Some of my favorite books and movies were obscure picks that helped me form some of my most lasting friendships. I found other unique fans through my interests, through the hunger and struggle to find more.

Their generation and mine are separated by a bigger divide than previous generations. I knew a time before Internet made everything easier and was the first generation to really appreciate the wonder of such a modern technological explosion and embrace it. They don't ride bikes and have sleepovers and play hide and seek with friends until dark. I wouldn't say I pity them because I almost envy that they live in a world with so much potential. It's also scary how very easy it is for use to become abuse, for all this convenience to be ignored or taken for granted. It's a world also failing to keep up with change, with social justice creating divides, technology destroying meaningful social interaction.

In my case, technology didn't really cripple me. I never was reliant on social activity and was always more likely to have my nose in a book or hunkering down for weeks at a time just drawing or writing. Technology also made social interaction easier. It can be disorienting to come out of a creative binge and wonder if your friends all hate you now. Instead, I can give hundreds of people updates within seconds, let them know when I'm available or they can send a message without worrying about if it's inconvenient. Technology is creating a sort of restless void in this generation that we're virtually helpless to do anything about. I joke for them to go outside, knowing they're about as inept at what to do outside as their grandpa is with using a computer.

I'm wandering a bit, but it's nice to see them find interests in areas that formed me. When they read my stories or want to draw when they see what I'm working on or wander into anime, it always feels warming. There really should be a word for it, but it's that tingling sensation that centers in a halo around my brain and shoulders when something is just perfectly right. I could summon it as a child when I played with dolls but it comes back when I see them playing or studying or drawing. It's a sort of magic with a nostalgic flavor to it, but it's pure serotonin and dopamine. You just get fucked up on happiness and contentment to the point of weightlessness. I get it in odd bursts while creating but it's rare and fleeting-- enough to keep looking for it, but not enough to expect it. It's very zen in nature  yet very distinct and isolated. You don't really feel it wear off since the after-effects just linger as contentment too.

Because things are so different as time passes, I have no magical insight into the perfect way to talk to them about things. It's a great discipline and practice that I consider how to deliver it honestly and without pressure to agree or rebel. I'm happy that even through they are two very different kids, we can all have fun, ask each other questions and respect our differences. It's more difficult as they grow. Things like peer pressure and hormones might cause some big waves, but I labor under the assumption that being myself doesn't mean enforcing it. I've had friends that mirrored me far too much and ones that weren't interested in anything I liked. In my experience, it's best to find a median there too.

Balance is a bitch. Yet I've always seen extremes as intellectual laziness. It doesn't require you to think for yourself, just parrot the most popular points. If you want to have a chance at finding the wonders of the world, you balance. You succeed and fail, you take risks and exercise caution, you invent and improve. When you're bad at something but enjoy it, there's usually some variation of it where you might excel. You can be an expert in your field, but you lose that edge when you think you are above curiosity and flexibility.

The next generation isn't doomed. Or rather, we're all uniquely doomed at some point but can refuse to be defeated by it. My life laid bare doesn't make me the ideal role model by any means, but without those mistakes, I also wouldn't have the value I do now. I never saw myself as a suitable parent, yet in my unique circumstance, I became just that. This generation will have its own challenges, but I believe they have just as much power as any to make something of it. Flexibility is a valuable passive quality. Because of that, I can't teach my nephews how it works. I can lead by example and let them decide its value.

An anecdote before I hang this one up. My nephew is tired of his school friends all hanging on his backpack after school but doesn't want to alienate himself by putting his foot down. I agreed that it's really hard not to sound irritated or mean when it's happening and hard to bring up without sounding like a buzzkill. Since he's usually very assertive, I decided humor might be the right approach. I told him when they grab it to say 'ew, you just touched the booger strap!' And gave him permission to say I picked my nose and wiped it there. Not that I expect that this is the exact way he'll handle it, but I wanted him to see it doesn't have to be solemn or awkward and you can use being a bit weird to your advantage. I didn't want to just tell him I'd be the bad guy or that he'd just have to suck it up. I hear adults say condescending shit like that to each other all the time and it's lazy. I'd rather plant the seed that the best solutions aren't always direct or blunt but creative.

My order is coming in the mail this week. Crossing my fingers that the new charger will mean a working laptop again. I never realized how much less productive I am without it until I had to do without. Going to have a hell of a time saving for a battery if not!

That Was Then, This is Now

One thing I did not do, unfortunately, is keep a lot of the old poems and stories I started years ago. A great deal were thrown away, taken, lost-- I didn't exactly lock them down and I never really noticed that people tended to help themselves to my drawings and writing. I'm not too terribly upset about it because art is ahead, not behind. Nostalgia can be fun, but I definitely keep better track of my work now, at least in terms of saving multiple copies and leaving a digital footprint.

I'd love to be able to share some of my embarrassingly bad older work with you, but whatever remnants I have left would require a bit of digging. I might make a week of that next time I dig through storage, just scan up a bunch of story snippets, pictures, etc. to throw at a retro post.

I can give you a preview of what it was at least. I wouldn't say I was bad at writing ever. Inexperienced, yes, but I never had a lot of difficulty communicating my thoughts and feelings with writing. That's one of its greatest appeals, actually; it gave me a place to amend my speech blunders and decide how I really thought about things.

Stories were written as radio plays at one point, I remember that. My sister had some book on writing radio plays and it's a format that favors conversations. When you're young especially, there's far more appeal in character interaction than the environment or other aspects. It's very like screenplay writing, only you don't need to consider the props, and the direction is tailored towards describing what the audience can't see.

Oy, and anime was a big influence, so the conversations were a lot of cheese. In fact, my first book had to get a LOT of conversations redone because they were simply too awful. When I decided to turn it into a book, I decided I still loved the plots, still loved the writing style. It's very direct and doesn't dance around, which is something I did not really get when I was younger.

Bad, bad, bad romance. Like most teenage girls, I was in love with the idea of love. In love with controversy and conflict, but it mostly came off as whining and pining and courting assholes and entitlement. Almost all stories just kind of dropped off after they kissed or had sex because the chase was gone and so was my interest. At that point in my life, the longevity of love just looked boring and anticlimactic so I had no clue how to continue. When I would reread it to try to see where it could go, I'd end up seeing so many inconsistencies, zero plot, or just loathing a character so much, I had no desire to save it.

What's different now? Well, I've always loved words, but I've absorbed a lot more and I'm not afraid to use them. I try not to go full nerd, but I do have a love for procedurals and medical shows, so I'm not shy on word use. They say not to flex your ego too much, write simple, don't show off, which I do aim for, but I'm also against dumbing down. Writers are often told to also avoid a string of 'very' verbs, to beef up your synonyms. This comes naturally to me, so no, I don't always have to crack open the thesaurus, and often the perfect word is one I might assume in more common use than it is. In most cases, I do make sure the context holds up regardless.

I don't feel the need to always rhyme in poetry, but rhythm is important in my writing. I like to break flow, use something more lyrical in writing, like with limericks or haiku. The rhythm is there, but it's subtle and doesn't suffer when scattered. I'm also not a total pantser anymore. I enjoy planning and dropping in more complexity. I like planting plots that will grow later, hinting at things, popping in cameos without being too campy.

No more anime small-talk. Number one, I'm not Japanese and I've lived a life full of inspiration and unique and shared experiences as myself, not a character in an anime or a subculture of otaku fangirls. I don't aim to write as a white woman, but I certainly don't entertain that my knowledge of Japanese, Korean, Taiwanese, Chinese culture is planted firmly enough to make it a choice that is authentic to my voice. I do take the influences they've lent to my art and plotting because that IS an authentic angle. However, I'm not looking to just mirror more magical girl bullshit when my foray into fantasy is about interpreting my ideas, not the overdone trends.

It's no longer about MY fantasies either. When I decided to write something to be shared, I removed the sense of ideals. I wrote about things that make me uncomfortable, I wrote about relationships I didn't understand, I researched things I knew very little about. Writing is not just about an ego-dump or a flexing of brain muscle, it's also about what can be learned and explored. I don't need to control everything and the characters don't all have to be extensions of me or inspired by my friends or related to anything in reality at all.

What's the most different about my writing is that I don't insert a bias. I don't expect the writer to like the characters I like or hate the ones I hate. I write characters that blur the lines because the idea of perfect ordered morality is sheer indoctrination of thought. In my youth, I made it clear that you should love or hate a person and often even made a big show of when you were supposed to feel the opposite. Hey, the bad guy is so good now! Never mind all of the horrible shit they did because the heroine loves them now so you should too! (Still a better love story than Twilight, even if it sounds almost exactly like it...)

To be honest, I don't find it that useful to look back on how I used to write or how I used to draw. I can't really say time makes me better. Time changes my perspective, what I want out of my crafts. We do refine things, learn our style and our voice, but we're also a product of what we like at any given time and once those tastes change, it's not that the old was 'bad' just that it's not appealing to us anymore. A lot of people dig my earlier stuff, so it's just self-criticism that colors those backwards glances.

Downing on what you were or liked is a defense mechanism, but you don't have to do that to get 'better' either. I can appreciate that part of my development, can understand it was part of forming my current tastes. It's not necessary to downplay what I drew or wrote or felt, so even when I say I cringe, the teenage me is also reminding me that "I don't understand me!". Probably why I tend to connect to kids. I get it. People don't understand them. I didn't and don't understand me. I don't get why I was the way I was as a teenager, I don't get me now, but I'm also a lot more accepting of the things that were necessary to survive and thrive. What I have left of those days is what it is. I move forward, with writing, with art, with discovery. I get why other writers and authors and creatives in general are okay with not obsessing on finished work, even forgetting it. There's always more to do.