Death to the Humble Brag

I know it works so as long as it does, it will never die, but let's be honest-- most of us are sick of it.

It's one thing when you are able to see the good and bad in your work. Sometimes I will post something I am proud of and will say so, but add what I'd like to improve. I feel like it gives people permission to say what they like or don't like about it.

That's not what irritates me.

I'm referring to the tendency for people to downgrade their abilities, post a passive positive comment someone else told them, or some other attempt to avoid just directly avoiding putting a spotlight on their massive ego but still constantly needing people to stroke it. Writers, we all have it. Creatives in general. If you didn't love what you do, you wouldn't do it. I'll be real with you though-- if I catch someone doing it, especially on the regular, I will avoid their work like the plague. If there's one thing I don't like, it's being manipulated. I like GoT because a good friend who knows what I'm into recommended it and they were right. I also can't stand The Hunger Games because Battle Royale did it better. I sometimes agree with the bandwagon, I sometimes take the long route to avoid it. There are a lot of reasons I'll try something, neither of them involve internet Like Whoring.

One thing I can agree with in current news is the intense feeling of freedom I get from cutting out social media for chunks at a time. I used to enjoy it more when it was jokes and sharing interests, but it has since become ad spamming, constant debating, passive aggression, and public masturbation. I love using it as a tool, but it's really lost its flavor otherwise. All the better that I'm not dumping time into it recreationally.

My only real point here is that I would love to see more honesty in people's work. You don't have to trick me into being interested in you or if you're really that interesting. Writing as really helped me meet some amazing people, but there's a downside too. Then again, I'm not the biggest people person. I could make a nice long curmudgeonly list that gets longer by the day.

In the spirit of honesty, I'm glad to say I have the ball rolling on my own projects again. If you haven't already, give my excerpts a readthrough on my site HERE. Keep in mind that these are adult stories (or at least late teen-- I've been reading this sort of thing since I was 12 so that's where my compass is). Feel free to give feedback. The first series is set in stone, but I love to interact and know what parts are working for people for future projects.

Pick up the fourth book in my first series, A World Reborn: Children of Heroes, or start from The Truth about Heroes and work your way up. If you're looking for a darker read, check out the UnQuadrilogy. Keep in mind that purchasing the print copy guarantees the ebook copy for free. I know print is pricy for PoD so I like to make things as affordable as possible.

Taking a Break

I don't do that enough, that header thing up there. If you're any kind of creative (and all it takes is the enjoyment in making things to be one), then you have probably hit one of those stubborn spells where you just don't want to give up until it's done.  Sometimes it's putting together that impossible piece of Ikea furniture that can help anyone relate to this.

With these monster projects, it's just not feasible, which might very well be the reason why the fanfic scene hit a point of annoyance for me right now. I'm not in instant gratification projects when it comes to sharing (the work, yes, but the output is secret until it's done) and I can't relate so I don't try to.  I need to take breaks.  No matter how much I burn the midnight oil, I have to multiply that by two months to get a draft into something I'm proud to start petitioning for a market. On a side note, I love fanfic, but I realized it's something for me and not something I want a fandom for.

Which brings me to a thought I've been considering.  I would love to do a webtoon.  There, I said it.  It's one of those things I can do for free that doesn't have to be a huge undertaking. It will give me a chance to share my art and short visual stories, gain exposure that could generate income if it is successful. That might be a nice in-between project in the years to come that lets me ease back into comic book art once more.  I do have a couple friends that have asked me to do comics with them, but it's also something I don't have the equipment to do quickly unless the art quality is low or the process is tedious shouldering all of the art myself.  

After doing everything myself for my first self-published vanity project, I'd love to be able to delegate some work to other people and have time for more projects I actually want to do-- namely drawing and writing.  I can do the technical part, sure, but I'm not fond of it.  People who love it should do it and I'm more than happy to hand it to someone who actually doesn't have the blind devotion to it that I do.  Let them catch things with their cold icy reflexes.

I've resigned myself to giving up some control to let UnNamed be more market-friendly, let it get the attention it deserves.  I wrote nine books, fanfiction, blogs, a few other incomplete (so far) drafts in other genres to get UnNamed where I was confident it would succeed.  

As I've said before, I've always known that my first series was rough.  I knew it broke the anal rules of 'show, don't tell' and more besides, but it would have been pointless to completely rewrite them when the ideas were more important.  Maybe it's because I'm a comic book fan writing a book.  I don't give a shit if you tell me what to see-- I can override that with my imagination and never held it against an author.  I did however keep that in mind for UnNamed.  I kept a lot of things in mind for the market, but ultimately, it has to keep me entertained too.  There is me and people like me who will not have what we want if we write for everyone else because it's what we're supposed to do. Writers claiming 'rules' are pretentious.  Someone's success does not dictate yours.  I pore over advice blogs a lot, but some of them just border on ridiculous when applying common sense.  Chapter length equating success? Purple prose vs. short and sweet? At some point, you are assuming way too much about taste.  Bookmarks are a thing, skim what you don't like, or just move on.  That's what people do and some advice kind of just seems condescending and pointless even for beginners.  Hell, even harmful for people of all skill levels that DO take things literally.  

I'll say this again-- it's extremely oxymoronic to be subtle about writing advice.  There is no point in giving it unless it is literal.  Explain the shit.  Vague advice is fucking pointless.  And you know I mean it because I used my dirty, foul, uncouth emphasizers which clearly show my lack of intellect, if you believe everything the internet tells you.  

In any case, authors have a range of goals and definitions for success, I don't have to tell anyone that (or maybe I do because assumptions don't do a lot of good). 

What was I even talking about?  That header tells me I took a weird turn into the wrong part of town.

Who plans blogs anyway? (Not me...)

In any case, breaks are super important, whether I like them or not.  Sometimes 'breaks' are mini-projects, not just stopping to eat or relieve myself or the basic needs like exercise. Did the same thing with crochet, where I always had two big projects laced with smaller ones to get some smaller gratification from sharing things that were done quicker. I find that this applies to any current obsessions.  Some people are completely absorbed in one project.  Good on you, but that never works for me.  I keep my worlds ready in containers and can easily reabsorb multiple places. Then again my childhood was about waiting for people who didn't show up, so call it a survival skill that I could always slip into many places at once.  And while it does boggle my mind when people literally only do one thing ever-- what do you other than write? You mean there are other things?-- it usually becomes a little clearer once you learn about their lives.  Some people who are creative hold long, boring day jobs and are lucky to get an hour or two of what they really like to do.  I was there once.  Still had a million hobbies that I spread thin, but to each their own. Even then, take breaks! And I will keep hoping for the day that the economy really works for people someday. Without going into politics, I do believe it is possible to stop touting the 8+ hour work day as viable.  I've seen some good articles on the productivity of people.  Only thing stopping it is corporate greed.  Sorry, capitalism, you're crippling human progress.

Okay, back to my editing.  I love bloggy breaks, but I really had no point but to ramble. I kinda need to do that sometimes.  Whoever had the advice to use a blog as an author rant, I love you.  Really.  Because there is zero gratification in taking it to the dinner table with family or starting shit on social media.  This is the absolute best outlet that still lets my friends and family choose to be a part of it. Or lets passive-aggressive randoms drop hints about stalking me. Whatever. (See what I did there?  Counter terrorism...) No, seriously-- I just don't want people telling me what they consider appropriate. Agree to disagree on morality, always...

I did say back to editing. I'm turning into my mom on the phone.  Good-bye can signal another 30 minutes of talking. Man, I miss that though.

Mwah!  Keep writing... or doing all the other things.

Ugh, When you Love the Thing and Can't Stand the Fandom

In all fairness, this only happens about 50% of the time in my experience and there are always red flags for me when most of a group is female. I try to be direct, end up offending someone sensitive, they turn passive aggressive and then to 'subtle' insults. Not that subtle or clever though.

Fanfiction.  I love doing it for fun.  It was never meant to be serious. I gave it a go with a group.  My joking around was always well-received, but let's be clear.  Many of these groups say they aren't but they are hug boxes.  Big ole ego-filled hug boxes.  You start to get a feel for that dynamic from the first when the same three or four look-at-me types post asking for discussion but not opinions, look at what I can do self-inflating posts on hits (when you can easily score 10 hits off of one person with a poorly loading tablet), and no actual pushback. The only thing I can honestly say didn't irritate was people posting their links.  Totally expected.  What I hadn't expected was the same phenomenon I faced in college where some people want to hang with creatives, but pretty much ask people to walk them through damn near every scene they write.  You can say it's optional, but the frequency of these posts dictates otherwise.

I turn to fandoms to avoid the drama and politics of the real world.  I turn to fandoms for intelligent discussion.  When I can't meet that criteria, I move on.  Sometimes I end up adding a few friends before I go, but sometimes I just wipe the slate.  I would never presume everyone in a group is all the same, but I have a demand on my time and that means quickly weighing the value of things to determine whether they actually help me grow or hinder me with irritation.

It's sad, but it has to be said too: I am posting this publicly, which means anyone can see it.  If you are 'stalking' me and take umbrage to my assessment, even though I've been kind enough to not name names or specifics, kindly fuck off. I normally attempt to be diplomatic, but I do not take kindly to internet harassment.  This blog is for recording experiences, favorable or not.  Doxxing, harassing, or negging, whatever tf you want to call it, is unacceptable. Go ahead and blog about what a horrible person you think I am on your outlets. This one is mine.

These fandom spazz-outs though; I've had this happen with anime.  It's happened with dolls.  Hell, even crochet groups can run into speed bumps with people taking offense.  I don't deal with it.  Life is way too short, too precious, to let random internet faces bring you down.  By all means, let them lift you up, but it's not a marriage and you can terminate things that are destructive to your personal goals.  It doesn't make them bad people, just bad for you.

Yeah, I've lost a lot of people I care about and it made me see that being the best me means I had to change a lot.  It means I've had to be stricter on some aspects, gentler on others.  It means recognizing people and actions that are toxic for me.  It means finding strength by understanding vulnerability. It also means not tolerating people who don't care whether I succeed or fail.  You shouldn't put up with it either.

Professionally, I have goals that require a lot of discipline.  Creative fields are subjective, volatile, terrifying.  The most commercially successful are both loved and hated.  Making friends is terrific, but I suspect I'll make plenty of enemies too. Art attracts obsession and mania.  This is part of the reason I briefly addressed some of the issues with fandoms-- when people feel strongly, clashes have more impact.  Often with fandoms, I find the best course is finding people who don't immediately balk at your approach. Find a handful of people who you don't rub the wrong way and build each other up. Don't linger and try to iron out kinks.  More often than not, it's just like petting a cat in the wrong direction. People decide pretty quickly whether they like you or not.  Don't waste your time-- there are plenty of people out there who are going to love your take on things...

On a work note, my goal is getting UnNamed up to speed by this weekend.  Got a campaign to start after. It's a lot of work, but daaaaamn, nothing gets me higher than the zone!

Moody Blues and Purples

It's funny how creatively I go through so many ups and downs.  How I can be so sure that I want one thing then totally despise it the next.  My perceptions are the things that skew because the work hasn't changed without me knowing.  It's not just creatively-- everything from the way I see my own body to making my supposedly favorite foods.  I'm fickle.  If I waited for everything to be what I perceive as perfection at any one time, I would never be done with anything.

For instance, I am often very satisfied with something I write or draw, but when I suddenly bend it to thinking of how it is received, the comparisons are often unkind.  People won't like the style or the genre, etc.  I've always known that what I do is not for everyone, but I can say with confidence that I was critical enough that it is damn good for what it is-- I can't account for individual tastes and I don't try to.  I write plenty of things that are for wider audiences, but sometimes, damn it, I just want to find who else is like ME.  Who else is swept away in turmoil and romance, who is comfortable in their own skin but awkward around certain people, who has a dark sense of humor, etc.?  That's how I'm starting my journey as an author, self-published, because right now, I just want to see what I'm capable of doing on my own.  Yes, I want to appeal to more people as I go, but if right now I am just appealing to women around my age that like games like Final Fantasy and Dragon Age, then that's fine.  We're not a big part of the population, but we matter too.  So many of us end up writing fan-fiction because we're just not marketed to and that's okay.  We also enjoy taking matters into our hands rather than bitching about it.

As I edit these books and keep drawing, I'm finding that I'm loving to draw slightly more than the million times I'm editing the writing.  Look, I've read my books more than I've reread anything in my life and at some point, as much as I love them, I just look at them more and more critically and yes, it does get old.  I don't like them less, but there's no mystery or suspense like I got when I first started putting words to page.  It has become just work and the drawing part?  Not so much.  The first 15 minutes of starting a drawing session are usually restless times of doubt or frustration, but then I get swept away in it.  Painting for the eventual release of the omnibus art book is still completely exciting.  In fact, the idea of doing the art for the books thrills me more than writing them.  This isn't to say that writing is second banana.  If you know me, you know how much I love writing.  My close personal friends get mini-books every day.  However, even though drawing is absolutely work and problem solving, there is just so much more possibility in presenting visually.  Words can paint different pictures for everyone, but the actual stroke to page isn't exactly a solid commitment.  That's where the intimidation begins in fact.  There is a physical discipline that makes it daunting...  

Maybe math, which is daunting to most people will help terrify you. lol  There are over 171K words in the English language (although we do borrow quite a bit from other languages so I consider that very fluid) and the rules for combining them to form coherent thoughts are rather limited to rules of sentence structure.  Even creative writing needs to adhere to most of these rules to be of any quality.  The combinations are seemingly endless, but from the start of a sentence to the end there are still rules.  Run-on sentences may be some of the longest sentences you run into, but they do have limit. Words are confined by fonts, no matter how many there are to choose from of varying legibility. All of our words are simply combinations of our 26 letters after all.  However, visual control is dealing with way more abstract.  I'll use the digital example since this is my current medium.  A blank page is deceptive.  Were we to completely color it something different, it could be as simple as using a paintbucket Fill, one and done, or we might use a paintbrush from one pixel to thousands and scribble over the space.  Think of where a pixel starts.  To move to an adjacent pixel there are nine possible pixels surrounding it.  However, since there are 360 degrees of movement, you are often touching several points at once while simply creating a line.  It is possible to touch four pixel spaces at once.  When using tools that smooth lines to take away the clusters of movement, you are talking more pixel real estate.  While your brain can topple any visual medium in terms of shooting out pictures, the reality is, those single shot pictures are taking artists anywhere from days to weeks to months to refine, depending on the level of detail because the possibilities are also colors factored into the mix.  There are 256 possible grey combinations alone.  Color combinations available for RGB?  Over 16 million.  Want to see what that looks like if you use one pixel each to express it?  Yup...

Courtesy of Bruce Lindbloom, who is clearly a bigger digital masochist than me.

Now, if you think of even a tiny icon at 100x100 pixels and pound out the math for what it could possibly look like based on possible color combinations, then your head exploded.

It's a wonder I can draw at all when staring into the abyss of overthinking.  But that's just it.  Even when those thoughts are present, you just start doing and yeah, the passion of the moment eventually turns a lot of things into garbage besides the single-minded goals of translating that swirl of head pictures into one snapshot.

Yeah, I'm a creature of logic.  It's unavoidable, which is why I tend to like the chaos of humanity and the ridiculously stupid things we do.  A lot of the badassery in tropes kind of bores me because it is just too neat.  In the same breath, I love how clean martial arts like kung-fu are, how structured and exact.  Trying to make a person like that, no matter how awesome it is in theory, just falls flat for me.  

Even the visual trends in realism are something I only borrow lightly.  I love using a clearly stylized drawing style with only some elements of realism.  Yes, it takes ridiculous patience and skill to do realism, but it also doesn't utilize as much possibility and imagination.  It's beautiful and stunning, but it's still mimicry.  Sure, any style borrows from other styles in many combinations, but there's a certain excitement I get from towing that line between total abstract and structured realism that steals my breath away.  In fact, sometimes I actually have to make myself breathe.  I actually catch myself holding my breath when I'm challenging myself that way.

I'm not going to apologize but this blog post is an absolute mess of topic jumping, but about as real as it gets.  I'm actually juggling doing the final format on my book and made the sudden decision that I want a full color artbook for all three of the first books now.  So I spent yesterday setting up palettes for the characters' hair, eyes and skin colors and deciding to switch to doing full color to save myself from coloring it twice (once in grey, then in color, as I'll have to do for the first two books because they're greyscale...).  Because of this, there will also be changes to the line art and design.  I will be incorporating the tattoo meshes into the sort of lazy placeholder tattoos I did and editing some of the lines I wasn't too fond of.  When I started drawing for the first book and part of the second, I was still a bit like a baby deer, timid about line and form and I've grown more confident since.  I don't just want to do a palette swap for the art books; I want them to get a nice little facelift.  This is something I hope to save for sometime in 2018.  I won't even be releasing book three until sometime as late at the end of January and once I do that, I can start work on the compilation of the art.  I'd love to compile them as coloring pages if there is an interest in that, but I'm not going to do that unless that is the case.  I do want to start work on new drawings for a coloring book unrelated to the books.  My friend wants steampunk fairies and she shall have them!

I do promise that most of my blogs will be more structured and less head-exploding rants on technical bullshit.  I do like to lay it down for people, just how very technical and time-consuming the world of art is.  So often we diminish it down to the level of preschool finger painting or doodling on the corner of a phone book when the real deal artists are dumping 16 hour days, 5 days a week, into one visual project.  And that's on the quick end.  People play with Instagram filters or photo collage things and think it looks pro, but sorry, guys, it definitely shows.  Even when a professional artist 'cheats' and uses filters, there's a very precise way we toggle it to look perfect.  Even when I'm lazy about illustrating, I still spend ridiculous amounts of time on it that no 10 second filter can replicate...

See, I have my creative life planned for years to come.  And I planned zero social life to get it done.  I don't have 40 hour or even 60 hour weeks.  Try 80+.  I don't have guaranteed salary or insurance, I'm completely nuts for choosing this path, but I own it.  It makes me happy, even with the sacrifice of normal human contact.  I have faith that I can reach people, drum up interest in creation and collaboration on a platform of dirt-poor integrity.  We need it again, guys-- integrity.  I'm seeing too many good ideas swirl the toilet because of all the entitlement in entertainment.  Let things suck or not be for you.  Trying to make everything for everyone makes it all suck equally.