Do Not Disturb Until Spring

So the book editing is done and I even platinumed Dragon Quest XI... in lieu of the arrival of Kingdom Hearts 3 today. Yet another game that I had to have on release... with no plans to actually play it right away.

Even with this game here, I still have to devote time to work. My gaming friends with a 9-5 are always stressing that they spend every possible moment on a game they're excited about, but... that's exactly how it turns up for me too. Only my discipline has to be self-imposed for the weeks leading up to my book release and that may mean spending more than full-time hours putting it together before I get to 'clock out' and play.

Remember when you were a kid and had to stop playing video games to go to school and you thought being an adult meant playing 'whenever you wanted'? Even for a freelancer, it doesn't quite work that naively. I don't work for x amount of hours for x amount of money. Often, I even work xx amounts of hours for 0 amount of money, but it doesn't mean the discipline can be looser or 'whenever I want'. I actually have to take those times where I am most productive and jump into work then. If I tried to predict the hours something would take and cram those all in before the deadline... well, chances are I would under-predict the time about threefold and do most of it sloppy, rushed and stressed. No, working 'whenever I want' is usually not when I want to work. When I'm wide awake and energetic and happy, the last thing I want to do is sit at a computer and yell at how stupid technology is until I get it to work how I want it to.

By the way, I'm that bitch that likes to email companies about how they can improve their interface. Although I'm rather diplomatic since I can sympathize with overworked developers often not having the luxury of sleep or normal working hours.

So, even though I would love to binge on KH3, I have some book covers to tweak, print and ebook formats to arrange, conversions to test, and then I can hit that Publish button and take one of those fake-cations to finish the game.

Very likely I won't have the discipline to just relax and play a game and will pick up the draft for my third book to take over my life again.

Work and play offset each other. I need balanced doses of both contribution and consumption or it drives me fucking mental. I laugh when people pull a 'must be nice' with me. Nice? People don't know the half of it. The trick to survive being the tortured artist is to paste on that retail-smile and keep it up.

I'm a fish in a bucket trying to stand out in a sea with really fucking amazing fish. I'm not doing this for As in class or in a contest handing out participation trophies. If I want to make this work, I also have to keep in mind that it may never work. The main source of misery in this world is people who create guarantees out of a life with no actual guarantees. There is no miraculous safety blanket keeping the big bad world from you. There is no guarantee your rise in a company makes you indispensable, your company will thrive or your dream job won't sometimes be your worst nightmare.

One thing that's almost always worked for me is taking a social media diet. When I notice my feeds getting too negative, I disappear for a few days. Even if you're not an empath, that shit can get to anyone. lol Hell, I see a ton of people who just get bent out of shape just watching the news. I can see that too, since I never watch it but it was on in the dentist's office earlier this month and I was in tears before the tooth torture even started.

Which I feel like I should say they did a spectacular job and I'm over-exaggerating. It was no day in the park, but my dentist and his assistants were great and attentive and were amazing at reading my stoic little twitches when something was hurting. It still sucked and was terrifying to hear my teeth cracking, the temporary facial paralysis... you know, that stuff. But I knew what to expect going in and it wasn't extra or surprising.

Anyways, I'm out. Sleeping tonight, no school for the boys tomorrow with this polar vortex windchill coming through, so I get to sleep in and get to... the whatever. The list. The one I keep randomly throwing out there because I keep blogging when I'm forgetful and tired.

The Quiet Ones

We're often called 'tough eggs to crack'. Sometimes you turn around with that feeling that you're being watched and, even though we only locked eyes when you turned, the intensity and thoughtfulness might have seemed creepy or invasive. We don't talk much, not because we have nothing to say, but because there's so fucking much to say. Asking us to talk is likely to be met with more silence or some disjointed thought. 

We're not exactly waiting for a prompt, permission to speak. We're not always riddled with anxiety unless we're getting condescending, patronizing or hostile vibes. We get called amenable or down to earth. We're quick to judge but aren't strictly judgemental. We're mistaken as perceivers because we're not aggressive but we often arrive at decisions fast though readjust them just as quickly. We can think you seem like a stuck-up bitch then like you by the end of the night. We seem indecisive at times but it's often because we don't have enough information to make a decision.

Quiet Ones tend to live in the grey. Nothing is wholly good or evil, though we certainly choose sides in the darkest and lightest spots. We're not colorblind, figuratively speaking, Sometimes we're even hypersensitive and it's not just an emotional extremity. Sometimes we hear, see, smell, taste and otherwise sense too well or not at all. We're present but we're somewhere else. We seem like impossible multitaskers but we're more environmental ruminants, able to engage or ignore at random.

We want you to see what we're passionate about but don't press it. When you give us a chance, you might see our potential. We aren't actually selling you anything, we're investing in our dreams. (Semantics. Sorry, not sorry.) We can never hear enough how much you admire our work.

Okay, this isn't some sort of pronoun coming-out, but clearly I fit the bill and many other people mistaken for being quiet do as well. Most people don't actually have a crippling impairment but are instead just looking for an authentic entrance. We're not the ''how bout those Knicks?" people but we're the "I never knew a red wine could be so sweet!" sort. Most quiet people aren't looking for the quick and easy joke, but the hidden gems. We want to see you gazing at the moon and bring up the Chinese moon landing, the first successful attempt... And they're growing cotton up there! If you don't make a face and call us weird, the next question would be whether the government will actually honor all that real estate on the moon that NASA was selling or if there will be land disputes once terraforming happens? And no, it's not always that staggeringly nerdy; sometimes we see carrots on the party platter and remember reading that carrots were originally purple. Okay, that's nerdy too. I'm bad at this...

Point being, my kind aren't apt to leave you feeling our work is predictable. We make the most attentive friends. We're self entertaining and don't tend towards neediness.

Now I definitely sound like I'm selling something. Friends don't let friends blog on no sleep.