Kind of an Update

I usually do waitressing on Thursdays every week, but lately (like today), I've been taking Mondays for my cousin instead. Which I am all too happy to do, actually, because the difference has been about $15-25 higher in tips. So once again, in an effort to avoid a bedtime-ruining nap, I'm back to blogging.

So what's new? I'm feeling up to some amigurumi this summer, so I went yarn shopping for some colors I don't have. For those who don't know, amigurumi is the term for dolls/plushies/etc. knitted or crocheted. They often resemble popular characters. I won't be using patterns. I'm pretty versed in fiber sculpting. I'll be doing an older Ezio from Assassin's Creed for my nephew Dameon (we both agree his aging goateed blue outfitted form is the coolest) and a Gloomper from Don't Starve (another video game) for Marcus. I ordered it cheap from AliExpress so it might not even come for another month, but I'm making a list of other possibilities. I've had a lot of request for dragons, mermaids and other fantasy themed ones, so those are possible. I'm trying to keep most of them in the 6-12" range so they'll be fairly quick projects to squeeze in between drawing and writing.

A recent dragon neckwarmer I did; not amigurumi

Which is the next decision. I started doing a design that might be on my business card. I've designed business cards in the past but they've always felt conformist and sterile to what I'm actually about. So this time around, I'm drawing one of my bad ass, scantily clad ladies that will be emerging from the pages of a book. What prompted me to do this now is that I met a man where I work, Joe Styer, who saw my books and was interested in me doing some fantasy art for a friend of his. In exchange, he's using his professional expertise to help me build a professional website. So I decided that my business card should follow the colors of the site and wanted to get that going to match those up.

Just a peek at the draft...

Again, this is why I say it is so important not to sit on your work for too long. Absolutely edit it thoroughly and get it in the right place, but keep in mind that it becomes a portfolio. You probably think people are going to look at it as the best you're capable of, but the people you actually want to work with will more often recognize it as a part of your potential. Get something out there and prepare to talk about it honestly.

As for writing, I poked at what I'm currently thinking of as literary fiction. Not any impressive word count but I can tell you that, so far, it's about a young girl whose mother seems like a caring extrovert, but is actually a mentally ill woman who mostly takes it out on her. She has a younger brother who is still too young to notice anything and her mom suddenly springs a rather huge bomb on her daughter: she married her boyfriend and the man has a teenage son and fraternal twins, a boy and girl, she hasn't even met and they're moving into his house. She is forced to move into their home and a stuffy new prep school, all under the thumb of her unstable mother. Not really sure the aim of this one. Short story? Novel? Romance? Thriller? I'm not yet sure, but drafts don't necessarily contain those elements in stone so I'm going to let it grow organically.

I'll either work on that one, my UnNamed spin-off, or poke at Piscine, my sci-fi mystery. UnHeard isn't quite ready for progression yet and I'm okay with that. If don't pick it up before NaNo this year, it will once again be my NaNo project. Since I've been releasing the books in that series for my mom's birthday each year, that's always a good place to crunch the drafts and crack down on editing after anyway.

As for its partially finished cover, that's on the drawing list and is done as quick or sluggish as I care to make it. Likely followed by going ahead and designing the fourth while the momentum is up. I've had Eredin's face in my mind for quite a while, so it'll be exciting to get that done regardless.

And now I'm out. Bedtime is here. Thanks for killing time with me!

Idle Days of Reflection

It's easy to assume that my days are pretty normal and uneventful. Despite the fact that removing more comfort zones from my everyday life has given me more recent material to color in my creative life. Friday, I wallowed in bed, rueing the natural cycle of womanhood and avoiding any emotional triggers that I know I'd naturally overreact to.

Yesterday, I worked a shift at King's Island. I laid low most of the day, putting together plates of chicken tenders and French fries, a shy smile when people thanked me. They said I could yell back when I was running low, but I always went back to them and politely asked them to make more. Towards the end of the night, some asshole decided to get a hair up his ass about the French fries. It went something like this: he said they were raw, I shrugged and honestly told him they were cooked the same way all night, he mumbled that I was a jerk, I felt myself smirk like I usually do when I'm irritated, this pissed him off enough to assert that he knows what a cooked French fry looked like, I bit back a mental remark on that not exactly being a skill no one else had but instead said I believed him, he mocked me--I shit you not, he actually did that little kid thing where you change your voice and poorly pronounce what the other person said--I looked at my sister, who told me to just stop talking to him, I took a deep breath to calm the adrenaline and went back to tell the chef to handle him, I went out back and smoked a cigarette until the guy left. Now, I could have put this story as separate sentences, but the whole situation was one idiotic run-on sentence. Guy tried to ruin my day, was really just an entitled redneck who didn't succeed. What assured it never got worse was that the chef very calmly told me that I don't have to deal with that at all and could defer to one of the regular employees. Even though the guy tried to say I refused to cater to him, these people I had only worked with a few hours knew that was bullshit and each of them even took the time to tell me they didn't believe him, that they saw I was very courteous, and he was just an asshole. He was yet another shithead that thinks himself better than a service worker because he's on the other side of the counter. And yes, while these people will pretend you're right, each and every one of them is talking about what a shitty human being you are when you leave.

I made some money to go towards my next creative purchase and went home glad to curl up in bed to watch Avengers Infinity War.

Because, yes, today I went and saw Avengers Endgame. Don't worry; no spoilers here. It's a long movie and not my favorite of the Marvel ones, but still has the Marvel Charm throughout. I still enjoyed the time I got to spend with my family and getting to see a movie in a theatre. It's a rare treat that I enjoy more because it's rare.

Still recovering from working yesterday, and I mean this in the purely physical sense. Nine hours on my feet, very little moving around, which only makes me appreciate my three hour waitressing shifts all the more. I don't like to sit or stand very long. I can handle lying down or walking, but since lying down has very little appealing job possibilities, I prefer the walking jobs. I can lie down while I crochet but obviously, the only posture good for writing or drawing for hours involves proper sitting with regular small breaks--if you don't want to end up crippled over time, that is. If carpal tunnel, eye strain, back problems and strain injuries are your cup of tea (if you're just young enough to arrogantly assert that you work in the dark, hunched over, for three days straight and survive off of energy drinks and ramen--enjoy your future health problems, by the way), then by all means, keep telling yourself that bad work habits don't pile up. In fact, lamenting the abuse when you're older will also make you less shitty of a writer so there's still a trade-off.

Don't worry, young'uns, I'm not hating on you--just relating exactly the sort of disgruntled shit older people warned me about and were annoyingly right about. But we all learn the hard way because it's one of those stupid human tricks that we lather, rinse, repeat until we're either wise or one of those sad old dipshits that refuses growth or wearing clothes that actually fit.

I never set out with a point here, but idle days need idle tasks. In this case, a bit of reflection is well enough to feel like an accomplishment. I like this phase of my life. In retrospect, each of them is worthwhile, but in the spirit of living in the moment, this one feels like it fits me best. I pick my battles better. I put my head and heart in better places. My struggles aren't overwhelming me because I give enough of myself that people do know how to help me. I do have some things I'm working out, but I can't imagine a day so ideal that it wouldn't paralyze me in shock. I will always need a challenge to keep me in motion. It's just with hope that I aim to keep them manageable.

Because there is no universal force that only gives us what we can handle. Sometimes we have to pick the right time to fight or flee and forgive ourselves when the response we chose was probably not the best one. What wasn't our best is just a lesson. Although, I might add, that you don't get to forgive yourself the pain you cause others. If you're an asshole, apologize. Whether it's five minutes or five years after the fact, whether they deserve it or not, you don't get to gloat on your failures and absolve yourself. It just makes you likely to repeat the same dumb mistakes because you never properly humbled yourself to the consequences. 

And for fuck's sake, stop posting that shit on social media. Some people leave a trail of their shitty toilet paper crumbs in public spaces and wonder why no one respects them. That. Seriously, if you treat public spaces like a job interview and save the asinine garbage for the angry tear-stained pages of your little handwritten diary with the lock that doesn't actually keep people out, the world would be a better place.

Or keep a blog. So that only the really dedicated will open an outside link to see what you're spewing. Am I ever glad that social media skipped my teenage years so there is little evidence of the dumb shit in my teenaged past. There was at least some time to form the good habit of putting some space between my reactions and what I ended up sharing.

There Are Worse Things to Be than a Disney Princess

My hair was strawberry blonde when I first bleached it. Why I thought bleaching hair a few inches short of my ass was a good idea is a mystery. Not-so-great decisions usually accompany periods of increased anxiety. I kept it in a braid so it was less obvious how much of a calico blonde I was.

The second time I dyed it, I got most of the darker red out and started using purple shampoo. In case you have no clue what the hell that is, purple shampoo is formulated to deposit pigment that takes the brassy red out and neutralizes all warm tones. Cooling it makes it a more silvery rather than yellow blonde. My nephew's friend started calling me Rapunzel. Yup, blonde hair, braid, got the reference.

This time, I went full attack. Full cover bleach, pure white toner. Sigh, okay, toner is also a 'huh?' for some people. You add a chemical toner to a weaker developer and it does much the same thing as the purple shampoo. Whatever default a dye leaves you in, a toner will repigment it where you're aiming. You can get these in all ranges of colors, they foam up like shampoo and you leave them in for maybe a half hour.

Anyways, it's Elsa. I've gotten many compliments... From kids. Because my hair is mostly snow white and trapped in a loose braid with those tendrils that don't stay in the braid. I wasn't really aiming for that, but I got comfortable with the braid over the past few months and I'm not out to avoid it simply because Disney hijacked it.

I used to dye my hair damn near crayon red and I got 'Little Mermaid' or 'Ariel',  the first if that person was trying to seem too mature to remember her name.

8 year old me would be psyched. I would memorize Disney songs then run outside to sing them with my friends. I'm not going to pretend to be embarrassed simply because PC groups want to turn being a Disney princess into an anti-feminist or white inclusive fantasy. Nor do I care that it's sometimes considered an insult, since I'm a 37 year old woman so shouldn't I grow the fuck up?

Here's the difference. It's not what I set out to accomplish. I found my first white hair and rather than mourn it like most people would, I was ecstatic. I wanted to go platinum! It's not my attempt to recapture youth. It's my attempt to embrace aging. Braids aren't just a young girl thing and it can't be helped that I have a young face. I'm not mortified by the princess comparisons.

I'm an artist. Comparisons are how people have always tried to break me down and if I let it get to me, I wouldn't have pursued anything. Creative pursuits are open season for critics that, even if they could do what I did or might have even done it better, still can't do what I do. Sometimes, all you have to back up why you do what you do is that you don't for yourself. While I don't owe everyone that story of my first grey hair or the braid, I'm well aware that no matter if I do or don't give them the long or short version (if I don't shrug them off entirely), people tend to fill in all the blanks or take their own creative liberties. In fact, the more thorough my story, the more likely the person is to be suspicious that I'm lying to cover up my real goal of looking like a Walmart Disney Princess, because why not also throw in that I'm always wearing pajamas if I'm not in a work uniform.

Crazy world we have, where people are so adamant about redefining what girls should want to be. Just the other day I saw this winner:

Sigh... Even though, yes, overwhelmingly, the princess trend took off. But it wasn't forced on us and some of us even played with our brother's GI Joe's without our parents smacking them out of our hands. My generation did have a lot of princesses, but we also had Wonder Woman, She-Ra and Xena Warrior Princess. We had plenty of strong women characters but princesses were more popular to young girls begging for toys.

What irritates me is this idea that women would be more like men if we were allowed to be. In truth, sexuality and identity is neither that oppressed nor that fluid for everyone. Some people know they're straight or gay pretty clearly. Some people know which side of gender roles they feel more comfortable in. I mean, it does suck for the rest of us that aren't so neatly in those comfy niches, but part of what drives me isn't expecting a niche to form for me. It's my ability to adapt, to carve little dimples for other wanderers to find peace with being different.

Every little girl won't want a general either. Don't discount the princesses nor forget the value of warrior princesses. We can't lose masculine and feminine entirely. Those are someone else's comfort zones. I'm not out to take those away from people just because I'll never have a niche like that. Transsexual men and women often find comfort in the polar opposite sex to the one they were born into. Regardless of how you feel about their appropriation or adoption of gender roles, reducing all humans down to what is appropriate (rather than harmless choice) is not the solution anyone could think it is.

Of course people will bend what is good into something twisted and foul. Setting up unreasonable 'safeguards' doesn't really make it harder for predators to find a way. Desexualizing women role models doesn't make rapists forget that women have vaginas. What message really needs to get out there is that what is typically considered masculine or feminine is not a cage for boys or girls. People will judge and people will attempt to define things for everyone's (no one's) benefit but it's also okay for those roles to exist.

Some of the harder issue lie in Latin American culture, where the superiority and inferiority of masculine and feminine is hardwired into the language so much that we're getting the Latinx label so that neutrality doesn't create labels to assume such gendered ranks. I don't pretend to understand this entirely, but yes, culturally, North Americans have the most wiggle room in these gender politics. Everyone in the world wandered here to escape some form of oppression, yet the divisions aren't so easy to whittle down. Here, we're carrying all of those biases and still clinging to some shitty old cultural baggage.

It's not easy, deciding where princesses and warriors and generals fit. In my own experience, those types don't wait for permission--they go with their heart, their guts and their instinct and make their path. Pretty or gritty, she'll find her way.

Crazy Rich Asians: Everything I Love about Asian Drama

Movie reviews aren't my shtick. At one point, I would have called myself an anime/manga otaku and I still love a good solid Korean drama (or Taiwanese, Chinese, Japanese... They're rife with heart), but movies are often a rare treat for me.

With this one, there was the PC hype. There was also the low key dissing about how it only covered the glorified rich culture of Singapore and excluded the everything else.

I have to assert that all of it was missing the point I got out of it.

Rachel Chu enters the scene, beautiful, down to earth, smart, knowing nothing about the man she loves, Nick Young, where his family is concerned. But we see her, the economics professor, dishing out a lesson in human psychology that will come to a head later. There will be spoilers...

We then see her meet up with her enamored boyfriend, a man who never gives us the impression that he's hiding much, even by omission. He's not doing it for her own good or even his. He looks at her like she walks on water but we see time and again how they always seem to know how to catch each other. It's mesmerizing to watch without ever seeming sappy or overly perfect. We see a man who takes this woman seriously, yet knows how to enjoy his life with her.

She probably seems like she's walking into his invitation to his cousin's wedding completely blindsided, but even when she realizes things are much bigger than she thought, we are also reminded that she knows people. There's no tearful shouting of being lied to, because she shows a resilience to all that comes her way, both with emotional honesty and critical adaption. She's not made of steel and her eyes become liquid with her feelings but she doesn't wilt.

Before her introduction to the illustrious Young family, she visits her friend Peik Lin where they first drop the bomb on just what she's stepping in. She doesn't panic--she is even game for Peik Lin's risqué new-money fashion closet when Peik Lin calls her simple red dress a good choice for the Little  Mermaid's Sebastian.

I'm not going to analyze scene for scene so I'll skip to some other key points.

Meeting Eleanor's mother gave me the dread that this woman might be like every other Asian drama rich-mama and be a passive aggressive bitch. Michelle Yeoh could definitely pull it off, but she never quite got that dirty. Instead, we see a woman who both wields old traditional beliefs and the heart of a woman who never was quite fully accepted by her husband's mother. She seems as if she might become petty, but she doesn't push, only stands her ground, an element we also see in Rachel. Rachel never makes the mistake of trying to meet this woman on her level. Instead, she takes a cue from Peik Lin and finds her own way to the front. It isn't malicious or petty either. She leaves the cold spots and stokes the warmth instead.

Astrid is one of my favorites of the bunch. Despite the snooty careful way she carries herself, she immediately shows a sort of adaptable kindness too. Her husband Michael seems like a lucky man, but instead, we see his insecurities try to push Astrid into believing he cheated on her because she is too perfect. She doesn't take the bait. She not only shows she is a real human being, but she tells him that he is a coward and she can not make him into a man. She tells him their home is his, but as far as their child goes, the child will be the one to decide how much his father is a part of his life. She does not leave broken, even though we know she loves him no less. She takes out a pair of the earrings she hid to conceal her wealth for his sake and puts them on calmly, a light of self-possession in her eyes.

There are no heroes or villains, even though it is ultimately a love story, we see real people. Beyond all claims of destitution or wealth, we see people who navigate through it, some tempted and shallow, some oblivious and wise, but the strengths and weaknesses we see only make it more obvious that we would be foolish to judge anyone. These people grow and change, for better and worse.

It is the mahjong scene after Rachel makes up her mind to leave that brought on the waterworks, because here we can sense that Rachel is about to show his mother Eleanor her full bloom. It is an honest scene where Rachel is both teaching and learning, a way to show both the honesty of her character and the reason why she has every right to gift the world with the profession that makes her happy. I wouldn't say she plays Eleanor like a fiddle at all. No, this is where she reaches in to understand Eleanor even as she gives her softness. She needs no walls because all is left on the table. As she shows, there is no winning when it hurts the one you love.

I won't give up my thoughts on the ending. It all culminates into the big finish and I wanted to stand and clap through the veil of happy tears. While many critics will pick at the cultural aspects or revere them, I've never pretended to know enough about Asian culture to go that route. I've simply been enamored by the cultivation, the spectrum, of humanity through entertainment. I adore and loathe some aspects as an outsider who can quite easily and honestly say that I am never opposed to the interpretations of lives I haven't lived. I could never speak for white people, women, asexuals, etc. though I'll borrow the labels from time to time when I think they might shed understanding, avoiding them otherwise. I don't need to be Asian to appreciate the beauty of this movies, both in the story and the wonderful cast that brings it home.

Crazy Rich Asians is a must-see. If you want funny, emotional, interesting, smart and never a dull moment, it's all here. No movie, no matter how it tries, will ever be able to encompass every cultural aspect. This is, on the surface, a Cinderella story. Beneath it is a tapestry of humanity. People with the requisite personalities that are ever subject to the growth and change of life.

See it.

Clean Bill of Health (Mostly)

Even though I blogged about it more thoroughly on my health themed blog, I feel like it's a message that all people, especially my sometimes reclusive and reluctant creative friends, need to hear: find a way to invest in annual wellness checks.

I don't spit out advice without offering a personal touch so let's start there. I recently had blood tests done to see if there was any hidden metabolic issues or something lacking. As it turned out, I came back with a vitamin D insufficiency but otherwise a pretty impressive range of normals otherwise. While I'm relieved that nothing major has been factoring in to pain and fatigue it did feel silly to have overlooked vitamin insufficiency on my journey to finding diet and exercise that works for me.

So here's the nitty-gritty. Over 40% of Americans are Vitamin D deficient. You've probably heard of it called the sunshine vitamin because that's the most readily available way to get a dose of it--UVB rays soaking into your skin. To properly absorb it, you must expose a lot of skin, not just your face and arms. This also means that people with sun sensitivity are not likely getting any adequate absorption. Sunscreen can negate the absorption as well. However, sunlight isn't all that healthy in many areas of the world so you run the risk of skin cancer.

As for diet, it's not that plentiful in most American diets, especially since you're not always consuming properly labeled fish. Cod liver oil, salmon and tuna are your best sources, but egg yolk does have about %7 of your daily value. Not so fast with the eggs or fish though; fish is one of the least inspected food sources and eating more than one or two eggs a day runs the risk of skyrocketing your cholesterol levels. And the yolk is the part you get the vitamin D from.

So how much should you ingest? My doctor recommended 500-1000 IU a day. However, I take a multivitamin that contains 1000 IU and it still led to insufficiency. Multiple verified medical sources actually suggest between 1000-4000 IU to boost an insufficiency, so I take an additional 2000 IU through supplementing, knowing I could be getting additional IU from walking outside and my occasional fishy meals. It's not uncommon for a doctor to prescribe a booster for more dangerous insufficiencies, up to 15,000 IU, over the course of a couple months. While Vitamin D overdoses are super rare and take a long time to show symptoms, deficiencies will eventually lead to kidney and liver damage so there's plenty of room to supplement without worrying about overdoing it when underdoing it is more dangerous.

Wanna hear something more shocking? It's not my pasty white friends that are most affected. 70-80% of Hispanic or Black Americans are deficient. Just like you've probably heard the lie that darker people don't burn or get skin cancer, it's similarly false that they absorb sunlight better than their fairer skinned neighbors. If you haven't had blood work that tests for this, get to a doctor and find out!

Another common deficiency that I've started supplementing with my multivitamin is magnesium. Since it boosts sleep quality, energy and the absorption of vitamin D, it's another one that couldn't hurt to add. You do have to be careful about dosing of many vitamins (depending on whether they are water or fat soluble) so don't just pile on a ton carelessly. Vitamin C and B12 are among those that tend to have a ridiculously high threshold that's hard to overdo, but do the research AND consult with a doctor to decide what might be best for you.

Oh, and back to D--sufficiency plays a huge role in not just kidney and liver function, but also energy and pain levels as well as immunity from illness. I've given you quite a bit to conduct your own research on but, again, talk to a doctor. There are times when even my extensive research countered the actual facts. Some information is widely spread and believed, to the chagrin of medical professionals.

Apart from this, I'm happy to say I'm all caught up with vaccines as well. One thing that does irk me is the anti-vaxxer movement. I do believe that if you exercise the right to refuse, then you are a public health risk and should similarly isolate yourself. Because there are so many with auto-immune disorders who can't be vaccinated, certain allergies, or are just too young to be vaccinated, it is a civil responsibility not to spread preventable disease if you are physically able. If your religion or batshit crazy research insists you sit out, then kindly sit all the way out of society.  No, I'm not going to cite the thousands and thousands of articles you can sift through to understand. Yes, if a booster is more risky, doctors are happy to dose your vaccination singly over many visits. No matter how enlightened you think you are, the anti-vaxxer bullshit started with Jenny McCarthy unearthing a bullshit and revoked study done by an aging man desperate for a famed discovery. I've seen plenty whack jobs posting their copy-pasta citation circus and they often lead to conspiracy or facelifted sites that look almost exactly like legitimate ones, but are one letter off or unsecured.

My stance aside, find a way to get tested for basic health. In my adult life, prior to the ACA, I was only ever eligible for any kind of insurance for less than a year. The ACA and hopefully an eventual path to universal health care for ALL Americans made it possible for someone like me to get adequate care. Deteriorating health, especially at a young age, could be devastating to anyone who doesn't have privileges lined up. It's frustrating to work hard in non-standard flex jobs that never make affording insurance possible. There are many people who face levels of poverty I can't even imagine. I may have no assets or investments, but my family has made it possible for me to work for what I need to follow my dream. Maybe someday I'll be able to afford my own bills.

In the meantime, I'm grateful that some politicians see how essential healthcare is. I'm truly sympathetic that some people fortunate enough to have steady jobs have yet to be provided with free healthcare. As much as I envy the middle class, I'm not smug that lower-middle and poverty class citizens are provided for. Do understand that it's not stellar. One dental check-up a year and only extractions and fillings are covered. Only certain drugs are covered and essential services as well. It's still a coverage that ensures they aren't suffering but it's below adequate for prevention and wholly inadequate for more serious illnesses.

Why is it worth it? Well, it wholly eliminates any excuse not to work, barring discovery of a crippling disability. It makes taxpayer money actually work for the people, not just the salaries of those claiming to be doing so. Even if you don't think health is a right, at least concede that making it a privilege only creates laziness and excuses under the guise that it can't be afforded. Eliminating insurers power to prioritize people's health or pharmaceutical companies to gouge on lifesaving medicine... Do I really need to go on?

Health is everything. It's your moods, mental clarity and ability to function. Don't fuck around with that.

What You Might Need to Hear About Self-Care

Trends aren't necessarily a good or bad thing. Yet when the call fires up for self-empowerment, the steps you take still need careful planning before the courageous charge. Keep some things in mind before you set off.

Don't do it alone.

The 'self' part tends to come with the mistake of isolating yourself or even driving off every temptation or piece of advice that seems like an obstacle. Not every addict benefits from outright rehab either. A support system is just as necessary as the resolve to change. Even when someone seems like an obstacle (that friend that always ask if you want cheesecake when they know you're on a diet), it's likely that you might benefit from a cheat day (some do) and they may be the perfect guilt-free companion when that day comes. Yes, some people may sabotage you intentionally. Cutting out toxic people can be a good thing, but don't be in such a hurry to tighten up your circle that you go full Game of Thrones on your social life and end up with no one to vent to. Instead, work on pulling people in who strengthen your goals, people who boost your confidence enough to see who is actually toxic. Either way, don't shuffle people like cards. Finding a great support system is done slowly and organically and people should still earn your trust and respect, not just share your goals.

Check your ego.

One of the pitfalls of self-care is overconfidence. Rather than humbling yourself to change, you start developing blind spots about how well you're doing and how much you deserve. Yet because you've hastily packed up all your vulnerability, it crumbles out at the first sign of resistance. Self-care is just as much about knowing where you trip up, where you fail, and correcting them, fortifying yourself probably for the event it's just not as rosy as you think. If one ravenous binge or one bad review can topple you so badly that you wallow well beyond it, then you're letting your ego have too much weight in your world. If you don't deserve anything at all, what then do you need to keep doing what you do? 

There's more than one way to be selfish.

I won't tell you what's right or wrong here because your conscience is the guide here. Is it okay to hurt others with your goals? Are you really hurting them or are they just afraid of the possibility that you or them might get hurt? Does the risk make the resulting reward or failure worthwhile? People might accuse you of being selfish or assume they can tell you what is best for you. They may be right, they may be wrong. When someone opposes your goals, it might not be any of their business, but it might be worthwhile to find out what they're afraid of. While it may be selfishness on their part, talking about it could further prepare you for the possibilities to come. I've found over time that the right kind of selfish for me is when I stop being so defensive of my choices and adjust to my failures. While giving up is not an option, the amount of time or energy I devote to an idea may take on some changes. Just like how my writing and drawing sometimes takes a back seat to making money. That goes more than one way. Dreams aren't free and I need equipment to make things go smoother. 

Shame is part of the game.

It doesn't matter how 'enlightened' society is. A certain amount of doubt and difficulty exists that motivates us. While constantly being attacked for weight or choices or non-choices can paralyze anyone, some of us are also motivated by those who are a little too blunt. Now, I'm not saying that the person we're crushing on calling us fat and ugly is motivation to get surgery and change for them. Sometimes you just see one too many strangers eyeing your muffin top and you just as silently make a vow to change. Sometimes people pull faces without meaning to, judging us prematurely and jabbing us a little too painfully. Shame digs old wounds and creates new ones, but attitude is what decides what we do about it. You might not be able to bring yourself to change for anyone or anything, and you don't have to, but we can't stake all of our happiness and hope on wanting everyone to school their shit. However, if the shame you feel is something you want to change, turn it into something that will push you. Like a rubber band on the wrist to punish urges you don't want, train yourself to manage shame.

There will be consequences.

Some of them will set you back while other times you'll be skyrocketed ahead. It probably sounds tedious but checking your progress, and learning when to adjust, will help you put perspective on choices and consequences. The world is also not going to revolve around you nor halt at your feet. People might smother you or abandon you, so there must always be a part of you independent, even detached, from expectation. Reach out when you need to. You might feel too vulnerable to risk bringing someone in (or tell them to fuck off) but not all parts of self-care mean you can listen to yourself. Nothing grows in a vacuum, though you may need to hear your own thoughts before letting someone in.

Fake it 'til you make it.

Despite the devil's advocate memes shitting on this, it's only because it's being deliberately misinterpreted. It doesn't mean to smile while people feed you shit. It means it's okay to take jobs that don't give you absolute joy to save money. It's okay if your hard work doesn't propel you into fame. It certainly doesn't imply that you should wait around for people to realize how awesome you are. It means that, even when you feel demoralized or frustrated, you shouldn't shut people out with your melancholy and woe-is-me, that you're being the person you want to be NOW rather than shining only when everything is well. It opens you to attracting opportunity and energy and people who see what you're about, shedding expectation to show YOUR inner light. You aren't just doing this to please others, but to be true to yourself. I've said before that creating is damn near impossible for me in low moods, so if I can trigger a state of happiness through smiling and laughing and talking, then it doesn't matter how 'real' it is; it only matters that I send out what I want to bring in.

Location matters.

You don't have to go to a gym to motivate yourself to work out. You don't have to type at your writing desk. You don't always get the best rest on your comfy bed. Home isn't always where you pay the bills. I can't stress enough that environments of comfort are not always what is best for us. In fact, when something is off and we can't figure it out, sometimes the answer is a change of scenery. Even if it's just a long walk you haven't taken before or sleeping on your friend's couch, while it may not be your first choice, you might find that inspiration and bliss comes most often from depriving yourself of familiarity and comfort. Sometimes that gym membership or monthly subscription can enforce the pressure of time limits that will stifle ambitions, in the same way that it can be motivation for another. Don't commit to comfortable habits. The things that you desire most can be taken for granted and it may take distance to appreciate them... or you may discover a new preference.

No one can tell you how to do it best.

From the outside, people might gauge what is failure and success differently, but ultimately you must weigh your own feelings and perceptions. Let others weigh in if you feel like you're spinning in circles, but have patience in the discovery of who you want or need to be. Be willing to give up a process that isn't working or take a risk. What you definitely don't want is to pine for something but never do anything about it. There is not much in life that I truly regret that doesn't involve inaction. Some moments pass and become what-ifs forever. You'll need the good, the bad, and the ugly to move towards your goals. Remember that you cannot control how you are received, only how you respond and keep going.

Because I want you to keep going. I want to see who you can be when you believe you can give both to yourself and to the world. I want to see a world where everyone believes in their own self-worth enough to boost each other.

Get You Some D

Calm down; I'm talking vitamins here!

I mean, now that I know, it seems silly and frustrating that no one thought to test me for a Vitamin D insufficiency years ago when I first started showing symptoms of fatigue, muscle pain and nausea. It's more worrisome that pages and pages of diet and self-care sites never really thought to address it either.

Seems obvious now. I'm photosensitive, meaning more than 10 minutes of direct sunlight gives me uncomfortable blistery rashes and pink skin. You can get vitamin D from two sources naturally: sunlight and fatty fish. While I love seafood, it's an expensive diet where I live. I ate quite a bit of salmon and tuna, likely why I'm insufficient rather than deficient, but I've also taken a women's multivitamin for years.

For western diets, that's often still not enough. So I did the next best thing and supplemented D3, an addition that is only a week in.

Here are the details: we should be getting between 1000-4000 IU of vitamin D daily. My multivitamin has 1000 and each tablet of my supplement provides another 1000. Right now, I am taking two, about 3000 IU daily, allowing me to get some from diet and sun as well. It takes about 2-4 weeks of supplementing for energy levels to be impacted.

Because energy is one of my primary issues, I did more research. While a B-Complex is on the top of the list, a multivitamin usually sufficiently covers that. Instead, I decided to supplement another common deficiency that could be contributing to sleep and anxiety issues: magnesium.

It may take a while for this to help me raise my energy levels, to improve my health and moods enough to make an impact on diet, exercise and creative pursuits, but it does wake me up to how insufficient weight loss pages are in addressing just what your multivitamin is doing and factors that may need more attention than a catch-all vitamin can remedy.

And precisely why blood work and consulting with a doctor are a good start. My insurance was garbage for a long time, so it wasn't something I was simply stubborn or blasé about. Also why I can't emphasize enough why universal healthcare is such a huge factor in a productive country. Rather than griping about how people who 'don't work for it' can receive basic healthcare, gripe about why anyone has to pay for it, why the exorbitant taxes we pay are being dumped into shit our country doesn't need rather than the betterment of all. I don't like to fixate on political crap, but our politicians get paid a rather handsome sum to provide such mediocre use of what we trust them with.

Health is all. Bar none. Don't scratch your head, wondering why nothing seems to take. Test your metabolism, possible allergies, vitamin levels. It's almost embarrassing how simple the problem may be. While I can't say for certain this will vastly change the wear and tear over the years, I at least have hope that it may be what has held me back time and again. It may be that I can work more, both doing what I love and making money to afford to do so. 

Ultimately, I want those to be one and the same. That it isn't doesn't defeat me. Things take time and I don't twiddle my thumbs in wait. Do what can be done in wait of what can't yet be done.