Building Community

I’m going to start with a solid opinion here, but it’s a sentiment that’s not rare: there is nothing admirable about being a miserable fuck.

I realize some people might take this personally or feel they’ve inspired the sentiment, but everything isn’t about you, whoever you are. In this case, it’s a blanket statement to introduce what is actually ‘wrong’ with the world today.

Americans have become ‘hustle-obsessed’. They literally forego working in jobs they enjoy or are actually good at and passionate about because of some misguided idea that this is a contribution to society, their family, etc. However, there is absolutely nothing more important to everything and everyone you prioritize than the quality of your time. Loving your contribution is just as important in the equation.

But, Krista, if everyone only did what they love, who would work all these ‘shitty’ jobs that keep society going? If you’re arguing this, you haven’t really thought about the whole picture. I worked with a woman who earned an MBA, had the tools and brains to start her own business if she wanted, so why the hell would she want to work at a Petco? When asked that, she laughed and added with such unwavering confidence, “I love this job and wouldn’t think of doing anything else.” Now, I’m sure some people have this very narrow view of this concept. Well, service jobs are much ‘cushier’ than, say, shoveling shit at a zoo or working on an oil rig. But here’s the thing: what most of us might consider a job that no one would work unless they ‘had to’, there are some people who truly take pride in doing the dirty jobs that most of us don’t want. We don’t need to force people into desperation and poverty, to take jobs they hate because ‘no one will do them’ otherwise. 

What society doesn’t need is cyclical suffering and misery. As a society, we need to gently lean towards utilizing technology towards encouraging more of the more widely ‘wanted’ jobs, not the desperately-needed. This looking down on people who enjoy jobs you think no one wants is a problem, but not the focus I’m after in this post. It’s a small chip in the bigger pile.

What I hear a lot these days, wherever I go, is how communities just don’t work together like they used to. The problem with this is that this NEVER comes from the mouths of people who actually DO work in and with their communities. 

One thing I actively started using social media for was joining the group pages of small towns. There is no shortage of posts about food pantries and clean-up events, but you see the same problem in the follow-up posts about these events: only a handful of hopeful, helpful faces are in the many photos.

But I had to work. But it was my day off and I just wanted to relax. But it’s simply too inconvenient to make the effort. What it comes down to is that if *you* do not make the effort to make it a priority, then you can’t be surprised that you don’t see how hard others are working to create the unity you simply expect.

It’s possible for us to rebuild strong communities again. While the pandemic goes on, it’s an unfortunate but necessary truth that events are a lot more limited for the time being. But it’s not impossible. 

For one, we each have to understand that attitude is everything. Building a safer, happier community means knowing your neighbors to some degree. If you want the luxury of a neighborhood crime watch, the ability to feel like your kids are safe and looked after when they walk around town, the fun of a neighborhood block party, you have to make whatever community events are available a priority. Organizers can lose hope and stop trying if no one ever turns up, but you can really invigorate them just by showing up. You don’t have to be an extroverted ball of sunshine. The best thing about organizers is that they are usually very intuitive when it comes to assigning people roles suited to them. If you’re a shy introvert, they’ll usually hand you a tool and give you a solo job. If you want to be in a more involved job, they’re also usually good at hearing out your ideas to make the event run more smoothly.

The whole mechanic behind community events is encouraging people to fall into roles they’re both suited to and might actually enjoy. If that’s not your experience, then what are you doing to make a more successful event? What would you do different? Events only improve and attract more people to future efforts with valuable feedback.

But you have to be there. Working hard may be part of your passion, making it difficult to attend often or at all, but there are other ways to contribute to the success and frequency of community building events. Most people might assume I’m talking about throwing money at it, which is often very welcome to, but sometimes they have a list of supplies they’re trying to gather and going a little further by ordering or purchasing and delivering what they need is often massively appreciated too.

There are many valid reasons why people don’t/can’t go or find some way to help, but if you’re the sort that complains about how this world has gone to shit, it’s time to give yourself a reality check. Attitudes may suck, but there are plenty of people still making the effort and it’s not because they don’t have day jobs. Participating in community is a priority because they want safer, happier and more interesting neighborhoods. I’ve seen volunteers show up, disheveled and tossing down a box of supplies, and still pasting a hopeful smile on their tired faces.

As a society, we are sick. Mental illnesses are prevalent, people are angry, scared, bitter and disillusioned to the potential for good. But among the unrest, people are still making it a priority to turn this around.

And yes, I used to be one of the miserable fucks. I fell for this broken sentiment that simply working hard or smart somehow put you on the right side of life. However, over time, I also learned that I destroyed whatever contribution I thought I was making with simply suffering and ignoring the lack of quality in this contribution. My family suffered, society continued to suffer, no one was healing. 

Moving to a new town really motivated me to think about this more. I set out determined to make sure this was a town I could love to live in. I was actually motivated by the grumbles of how ‘bad things have gotten here’ to do what I could to see how I could make a difference.

Seek and ye shall find. One of the first local cafes we visited is run by a very passionate and motivated man. He helped organize the Christmas Walk, one of the first events I saw posted when we finally settled in. While talking with him in his restaurant, he talked passionately about reviving a sense of community here and it ingratiated me to the idea. I added the cafe to my FB group page and started liking his quirky videos, commenting that I love his energy, ideas and menu. In turn, he added me and noticed from my profile that I’m a crafter and he just so happened to want to organize a craft show.

I jumped at the chance. At the moment, I’m antsy and nervous enough just being out of work and craving the motivation to do more. When a group of us met at the cafe to discuss how we’d set it up, my sister also mentioned I’m a graphic designer and that I would be happy to make a logo and flyer for the event.

It’s a lot of work and so small in the span of things, but I hope we can inspire each other and this town to keep up with efforts to build that sense of community that so many feel entitled to. I hope more people will want to work for those entitlements. 

The irony being that the same people that grumble about the undeserving receiving entitlements is that often expect the exact same thing from community. However, if you aren’t ‘paying into’ what it takes to make things happen, you’re just a different kind of freeloader.

It’s never too late to decide you truly haven’t been doing enough for the life you want. Humble yourself to that and build pride through changing that attitude.

And hey, I’m socially awkward and introverted, but it takes all kinds to make a community. Open yourself to the opportunity for making that difference.

Plague Trump

It’s not often that I’ll ever talk politics. Like religion, I consider the topic one deeply personal and never a gauge of the character or decency of the person.

However... Trump is a disease. I don’t mean this in a wholly political or personal sense. With great reservation, I set out to do unbiased research on the blind fervor behind his cult-like following. I say this because I know this line of research will be fraught with the sort of brainwashing and deeply cruel tactics that traumatized me as a child and teenager. However, I also know that, because I know the deeply subtle manipulations of psychopathy so well, I am also uniquely equipped to insulate myself against it and hash it out for people who don’t have defenses against the manipulation.

We can’t tackle what makes this cult-like plague possible without mention of QAnon. Thankfully, most reputable sites, rather than censoring this content and potentially forcing vulnerable people to seek more damaging outlets to know what it is, post warnings about the possibility of QAnon being akin to a terrorist or cult-like mentality if it continues to manipulate as it has. For those who don’t know, QAnon essentially is an idea that liberal Democrats are essentially a force of ‘evil’, a cabal of Satanists that run a widespread organization that deals in child trafficking and even cannibalism and ‘they’ are warriors of good, preparing for The Storm, where thousands of these evil elitists will be exposed and Trump himself will ‘save the world’ in doing so. Of course, these concepts, with vocabulary straight out of pure fantasy, simply welcome veteran conspiracy theorists, who attempt to combine their own outlandish rabbit holes into this ‘community’, so it’s really quite difficult to say what all QAnon ‘members’ (aka bakers) are actually buying into. There are all sorts, anti-vaxxers, flat-earthers, creationists and many other easily debunkable concepts run amok for them to pick and choose from.

Like cults, groups like these prey upon the fear, isolation and disenfranchisement of the ones they target. It would be easy to dismiss these people as gullible or stupid, but in so many cases, these people are simply vulnerable, in pain. However, the deeper they go, the less you can sympathize with them. The way they dehumanize opposing views, seek vengeance, and put others in harm with the delusion that they are the good guys saving the world is where the real harm comes in.

While you can’t truly give Trump the credit for this frightening manipulation, his own actions have easily enabled these vulnerable people to believe he is ‘on their side when no one else is’ and even speaking to them ‘in code’. That’s right; he’s not just an idiot who is terrible with words, he must be speaking this way intentionally so that the really ‘smart people’ are getting the real message.

Like cults, the idea is to hook people based on common fears, make them feel unique and like they belong. Rather than simply issuing the truth, QAnon makes it ‘a game’, a hunt through cryptic messages, codes, meta tags, and photos. Not only are you ‘uncovering the truth for yourself’ but you're contributing your own (paranoid and delusional) spin on it. This endless scavenger hunt is an exercise in madness, both further isolating you in a feverish chase of paranoia and even subtly shaming and guilting you into working harder to ‘save us all’. Your punishment and reward systems are so intertwined that you begin to crave the abuse as much as the paltry prizes. Like anything you end up spending time and resources on, it gets harder and harder to pull away and rationalize with the information because you don’t want to cope with how much you have wasted to get there.

To be honest, it’s an exhausting spiral of thought but I truly felt the need to give you the gist of this and how it applies to my own experience. You can easily find safe ways to explore cult mentality, vulnerability, QAnon and so on. 

The oddity of my own experience is that I joined a local FaceBook group for the town I just moved to. Someone had posted about wearing masks, which I found to be an intriguing opportunity to find if there were some more like-minded liberals here in a Trump-loving town. Although I was respectful, if not a little exasperated that I would have to explain science to adults, I happened to question why we should ‘thank Trump’ for a vaccine (that they would likely refuse anyway) when so often his ego-driven rallies were super spreader events.

What followed was veiled insults, bullying and intimidation so I blocked the two women doing so. However, no less than six other women actually jumped in and defended my arguments as factual and not personal attacks, even though they had devolved it into such.

The next day, I was surprised to see that I had been banned from the group, no explanation. However, it’s not hard to deduce that, although I hadn’t broken any rules, the admin either did so to prevent any zealots from retaliating against me or they themselves had an issue with liberals finding common ground here. Two very different possibilities, but since I was given no reason, the latter is more likely. Although liberals are clearly outnumbered here, it’s very apparent that keeping them divided serves the fear and paranoia of zealots better.

Everyone I have met and talked to here is kind and amazing. But the internet is a very different creature. I do very much hope that the plague of paranoia, fear, and authoritarian control that is Trump is squashed with Biden stepping in. We truly have to seriously address what vulnerabilities exist to make so many turn to hate, distrust and blind faith in a man so unworthy of it.

America is hurting. Healing is a hard road ahead but we have two plagues to address before we can build a better country for all Americans.

Adjusting to the Move

 Prior to the move, it’s pretty clear I was bustling with nerves and excitement, promising to take pictures and post updates and make a few laps around the world.

Clearly, that was too ambitious; let’s face it—I’m pooped.

While my dad was away on his ten-day vacation, the rest of us were chipping away at unpacking our own stuff, ordering new furniture to put together and keeping the mess as manageable as possible. For about a week straight, all I did was all that and sleep. Even when the workload started to slow down, there were still orders trickling in and organizing to do. Every box unpacked looking like a messy explosion was a necessity of seeing everything laid out to then make its place more organized.

In my bedroom, there was the bookshelf, the desk and the bed frame. I also water sealed the desk surface and installed those childproof bumpers (which make excellent wrist rests). I used an extender pole for a duster to hang a couple of tapestries on my tallest wall. There’s still a bit of clutter, but I know that over time, I’ll become more efficient with the space and aesthetic. For now, I’m just glad I can move around the space and find what I need. Moving through a maze of boxes was not as fun as it sounds.

I got bookshelves for both Dameon and Marcus. For Marcus, I got a floor rug and a gaming couch, but gave Dameon my recliner and also bought him a shoe rack. Dameon needs some curtain rods put up and they could both use some stuff put up on their walls, but their rooms were easier to set up.

My sister got a vanity, a storage mirror, a TV stand and a dresser. I had cancelled a bed frame for taking too long to ship, but then it turns out it did ship, so my sister and I just put it together anyway so she could use it. Her room is pretty much done at this point too.

Dad has spent the past few days going through his ridiculous hoard of boxes, but he has that mostly sorted through too. He just keeps way too much that neither gets used or displayed so it ends up just taking up space. I wouldn’t say I’m a minimalist but I’m definitely not that much of a pack rat either. I’m usually the person you can ask for a specific tool and there’s a good chance I have one. 

For the past few days, I’ve really slowed down though. Today, all I did was set up a new Ecotank printer. My Canon decided to hang up on a 5200 error after only two years of use. I said fuck it and bought an Epson with a 4 year warranty. Hopefully I get more mileage on this one. It’s agitating how technology just ‘mysteriously’ stops working after a few years. Even though I find good bargains, it’s still irritating to have to replace things. It feels wasteful to go through appliances and devices so fast.

A couple of rainy days are ahead so I’ll take it as more opportunities to relax. I do have some residual soreness from the weeks of constant moving and carrying. The faster I can heal and function better, the sooner I can start to fully utilize all this wonderful potential space.

It’s actually pretty difficult to relax after working so much. I feel a sort of restless need to ride the momentum, despite my protesting body’s opposite response...

I do look forward to focusing on more creative projects. But I also look forward to exploring the new town and working towards other goals, like improving my health. All in good time!

Closed Home, Opened Future!

 So, yes, everything went well for the closing for our new house on Monday! We’ve been rather busy, packing up more boxes, Dad taking stuff over by the carload, more packing and sorting, more loading, rinse, repeat. It’s been an exhausting but exciting process. We’re almost down to just the big furniture which will need a UHaul to finish up. Not yet sure if we’ll get to that before Dad goes on his trip in a little over a week, but I do think we’re at least getting the beds over there and beginning the unpacking process at least. The closets are fully fitted for filling at least. I can also go ahead and order a bed frame and bookshelf sometime soon. If I need any other furniture, I’ll figure that out along the way.

Unfortunately, I’m exhausted so I’ll leave it at that for now. There will be more pictures/posts ahead, but I’m patient with the process. I’m just glad it’s all moving forward!

Big Days Ahead!

 I have a bit of sorting to do with Dameon still. Just going to bag up the clothes we went through that he doesn’t want and then start going through the toys/collectibles today.

Tomorrow is closing day! Dad will do a walk-through to make sure the house is good to go, sign a giant stack of paperwork and get the keys. We won’t start the moving process until he returns from a trip with friends this month, but that’ll give us some time to do all the final packing and be ready to start the big haul.

Dad said he’s been doing some driving through and around our new town and is already drooling about how beautiful it is. I can’t walk for the walks and drives ahead to familiarize myself with all of it. I even went and added some of the local FaceBook groups to my feed, get a better feel for the bad and the good for people there. Apparently, the worst problem I’ve seen is FedEx’s tendency to deliver to the wrong addresses there. Our house's mailbox is actually on the other side of the street, so I’ll be adding some special delivery instructions to deliver it onto my porch whenever possible. The house number is big and clear on the house, but it’s not super close to the road. 

I constantly daydream about what life will be like there, the way I’ll arrange my room and decorate and make it our own. Nothing too fantastical, but I have snippets of our tour and where we drove in and I’ve pored over maps to see which ways I’d like to explore. I’ve always dreamed about an abstract home, somewhere between rural and suburban life, and this will be a surreal reality to come.

Not to say it won’t come without adjustment. Change is always a little scary too. Some of us live our lives afraid to make change and I can’t say I blame anyone for that. Some changes mean you can’t go back to way things were and, when the new situation is worse, it makes it all the more difficult to trust making big changes again.

Yet I remember how difficult it was to hit ‘publish’ on my first book. I drafted and edited and riddled with the cover and proofing, backed up to make adjustments required, learned all of the pitfalls of word processor formatting. I kept meticulous notes so that future efforts would be more streamlined. Yet as the excitement built, that dread crept in.

What if people hate it?

It wasn’t a dread that I cared to let build so I squeezed my eyes shut and clicked. 

The harsher reality is that most people didn’t care to read it or even know it existed. But I moved on. More books, each coming with some new challenges in the ever-changing processes. I didn’t even get my first review until this year, a very in-depth one, but I lapped it up. Feedback is golden, especially in a time where people consume and move on, rarely ever taking the time to interact with those who made the work they take in. I adored the honesty and the criticism and strive for more of it, good bad and ugly, in the future.

I would still like to organize to get some booths at local conventions, but in light of the pandemic, I’m not certain about making too many plans in an unknown future. Events are still being cancelled these days and I don’t want to accumulate any space-hogging racks or displays too far in advance. I’ve kept many suppliers bookmarked, ready to order when it’s time, but in truth, there’s still much work to be done and my muse is playing hooky these days. I know I’ll have to reread my previous two books in the series and comb over my notes to proceed. It’s too easy to forget when nearly a year has passed without drafting it. When you have a brain constantly processing many ideas, you have to be in a place to discipline it once more.

In any case, this moving adventure takes precedence. I’ll likely be straddling living between this house and the new one until the end of the year, fiddling with nesting in a new room and settling in. It may just be the sort of task that has my muse sniffing around in curiosity once more. There are also plenty of crochet and doll projects in process, so there’s really no telling where I’ll go from here.

Truly, it’s not a bad problem to have.

Some of That Good News!

 So... it’s pretty much final; we ARE getting the house! The appraisal came back higher than our offer so there will be no unforeseen costs to get in the way. The seller has to install railings leading out of the back of the house to be up to code, but it should all be ready to go by the closing date, October 5th. My dad, sister and I are getting on the same phone plan (none of our current services work out there) since we know for sure now.

I can’t tell you what a relief it is. I’ve been on edge and relentlessly researching the whole process, just hoping we wouldn’t end up losing that house. The last real obstacle was whether the loan would cover the cost. In case you missed when I explained it before, the appraisal has to come in at the offer price or above for a lender to cover it. You can still get the loan when it comes in lower, but you have to pay the difference upfront to the seller. This is on top of the down payment for the loan (2-3% of the sale price) and closing costs (vary by house value, but usually between 4-10K).

As much as I’d love to ramble on, I think some video gaming is in order! And tomorrow, definitely a packing day! I’m so motivated again!

Reflection

 My nephew Thomas is coming over so I’ll likely keep this short. (Likely.) However, in this chaos of boxes and anticipation (the house appraisal results come Wednesday), I just felt an odd wave of... gratefulness.

For friends, for family, for the oddball groups I’m in on social media. Dolls. Crochet. Money saved. Projects in waiting. Healthy kitties and their many random cuddles. Daydreams (but not my weird night dreams) and dream goals. Plans, as fickle and unstable as they can be, and prospects.

It could be because I’ve taken a stimulant after days of not taking any (when feeling under the weather, the last thing I want is something keeping me awake). However, the focus without being overwhelmed is always welcomed and carefully used when it does hit.

I do feel better today but since Thomas will be here, I’ll reserve my need to clean and sort for tomorrow. Although it wasn’t above me in the past to invite someone over and restlessly clean in front of them while I talk a mile a minute, most of my nervous energy has become internalized over time. Sometimes it works in my favor, sometimes not at all. So I’ll allow myself another day of relaxing (kind of... I still tend to pace while having conversations).

Really, I want the day to come where I can post ‘yay, we got the house!’ but until we’re holding that key, I just can’t do that. Things can happen and even that moment is the start of another big process. I keep picturing actually being unpacked and settled in as the ultimate finish... but yet another beginning to a chapter I hope will mean flourishing in a new place.

I’ve spent some time adding the new city on FB to see what’s up. I’ve studied the school and the area. Lol their claim to fame is a 1954 sports team that won state champion, a feat because they were a tiny school up against much bigger ones. I’m not really a sports person, but I felt a weird twinge of pride for a city that isn’t really mine... yet. I am eager to explore a new place, learn a new area. It almost feels like planning for a vacation with none of the urgency of fitting everything you want to do within a week or two. It’s the caress of a slow-spreading adventure. 

I want this. I need this. I anticipate it wholeheartedly. Yet still, I feel like I can’t release the leash yet. I’m sadly used to disappointment, of things not happening, of having to pick up the pieces. But for this time, I dare to dream and hope it comes to pass.