When a Line is Open to Scrutiny

"Always remember, someone's effort is a reflection of their interest in you."

You see those one-liner quotes all the time that SCREAM 'guilt trip' everywhere these days. You instantly realize there's no way to offer a rebuttal outside of a lengthy objection.

So from the first, this quote ignores the reality of 'obligation.' It's difficult, if not impossible, to fit in every priority in your life into a day, of course. Sometimes it's hard to fit anything in for months. Your obligations are your efforts, first and foremost. Some relationships take extra steps, extra time, and not remembering to check in on people just isn't a mark of their value in your life.

As a writer and artist, my days are gobbled quick. I have certain 'routines' that I go to the effort of keeping up. When I hear my nephews awake in the morning (usually the sound of a keyboard or a bathroom door), I get up and poke my head around the corner with a cheerful 'good morning'. Breaks are often those times where I wander away from my work to eat, catch a nap, research something I feel my knowledge is weak on, poke my head around a door to see if my nephews want to talk or eat a meal with me. I love them and they are a priority, but there won't be many 'fun days' because the greater effort pulls me away from critical points in the process.

"It only take a few seconds to text 'hi'." Psh, you don't know a writer very well. My 'texts' are rarely less than a paragraph. And I'm a 3 AM kind of thinker sometimes, so you tell me how most people feel about a 'hi' at 3 AM with their notification volume still high.

My 'interest' in you is always something I will meet halfway. I let my friends kidnap me with zero notice and largely because I have the 'every three months' kind of friends. We're adults-- jobs, obligations, and I can tell you that a 'lack of effort' creates an 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' situation to the max. So I have to wonder, when I see a statement that needy, what are the expectations? Is there a demand for more time (which we'd all love to have) or a need to be entertained? No, I don't know what it is, but it certainly doesn't speak for people who have realized that chasing a dream requires sacrifice to things like a social life or a presence.

Admittedly, I am the person that doesn't contact first. I do feel some guilt about that, but there is also the humility of not rubbing it in people's faces that flexibility is something I get to enjoy at this stage in my life. My friends often have scheduled jobs, children (that understandably come first), and obligations I endeavor not to add additional pressure to with my own interest in them. However, this 'flexibility' is given the myth of a 'free' lifestyle when there is very little freedom in the pressure to be accountable to your work and yourself. Facing the same attitudes when I did college online, let me strengthen this concept for you. When I started college, I made a note of about 30 names that I saw consistently start and move through the courses with me. One or two started disappearing after months at a time. When I graduated after two years? Three names. I was also a consistently top scoring student and the C students were often baffled that the course minimum requirements of 2-3 hours a day plus 'doing all the work' made them average students. Even with a part-time job, I was putting in at least 6-8 hours of time towards my daily projects. Flexibility is not something casual attitudes will handle with success because many people go into it with the attitude that it will be 'easy'. What it means is, that instead of the standard full time job of 8 hours a day, I can home in on those 3 hour productivity bursts spread through at least three periods throughout my 24 hour day, to maximize the output and... to sacrifice 'days off' or even 'relaxing evenings'.

So no, effort is not the result of interest. I often start working with a lack of interest, just the energy and the understanding that momentum builds from a starting point so I can't always do what needs to be done with a full tank of enthusiasm. I often take small pleasure in finding what the people I am interested in are doing by passively browsing their social media, making a comment here and there. I always have interest for them and even a longing to see them, but it's also precious to me when we just happen to run into each other and we're free.

Right now, I'm not. I greet my nephews, who most of the time have me and only me around, but I am also a passive constant until they feel a spontaneous, low-effort urge to poke their head around my door. Drafting 160K words was something I knew would bite into a couple of weeks of focus. That's not to say people can't stop by, but it's not the time of luxuries where a 'hi' is good to go in becoming a four hour long chat session or a plan is organic to what I need to do first. I might even be quieter than usual because my brain will keep going to my work (that I can't talk about and have make any sense) or... I'll babble on some nonsensical inspiration, completely excited that I've found something to talk about. I'm at peace with this place-- forward-moving and interesting. However, 'effort' outside of it is a passing thought, a poke around the door into your life and a step back into the things I know I can't put off without regret.

Of course, I don't want my friends to feel like they are the only ones putting in all of the effort, but if they make me a priority, I give them the benefit of my best return effort. This is where I'm at. And maybe I'm a little dreamy, hoping for a day when I can be the one sailing into people's lives to whisk them away on adventures, but in the meantime, you're forewarned. This is what I need to do now. And what if there's no tomorrow? Sorry, I'm just not big on YOLO philosophies or the idea that you have to cling to people for fear of not having those guarantees.

Before my mom passed away, I got to spend one amazing day with her in the sunshine, give her her birthday present early, a skull bracelet I crocheted. When she was admitted to the hospital, I got that bracelet back when I left with a bag of her things the day she left her body behind. My last day with  her was spontaneous, devoid of the fears of what might come and I wouldn't have it any other way. I don't go through life wondering what my last memory will be of you nor what yours might be of me. The last two years of her life, effort amounted to a message from her asking if I wanted to come over, me saying yes, us watching game shows and talking about our lives-- the books I was writing, things we read in a magazine article, hilarious commercials from the 1920s. Never once did she guilt me about effort or entertainment or availability. As much as her and I have put each other through, I lost my soulmate when I lost her. It's impossible to tell me that any relationship worthwhile requires enormous effort. Perhaps I am perpetually single because compromise just doesn't fit into my priorities though. Work, mastery, skill requires effort. Relationships are where your heart goes to breathe and will always work best when done naturally.

Also, don't guilt your loved ones with cheap memes. Pour your heart out to their face. It denotes a lack of courage and a lack of creativity to do otherwise. I don't know who that quote was made for when I saw it(not for me, but I could take a guess) but I guarantee if you care that much, you're going about it the wrong way. Unless resentment and misery is the aim. Then you're just being toxic.

Annnnnd if you ever wonder WHY writers are verbose, it's because we know that even a well-thought out work leaves room for interpretation. We just endeavor to close up the gaps a bit more each time. It's a process.

"I Can't Be Friends with a Bigot"

One of the woes of the information age is that, more often than not, we are more likely to witness the oversharing and impulsive thought diarrhea of even the most quiet and thoughtful people (present company not excluded). Every once in a while on my social media feed, I'll see the proud announcement to the effect of "I deleted people because this happens and these people I've known for years showed their true colors."

Back up for a second. What was the offending moment? A tasteless meme? Two vague sentences? Over time, I don't know about you, but I've started to brush these things off. I have a ton of friends on either side of the fence and both liberals and conservatives can jump on the train of tasteless, parroted opinions with no explanation as to what resonates with them or why they posted it, but if I know them for any length of time, there are other things to consider here: are they blurting that shit out and getting us in trouble with people in public or is this just internet noise?

I'll start to avoid friends or ditch them altogether if they are the kind of moron to say the n-word around strangers. If they do it when it's just and me and them, I speak the fuck up and tell them, however they feel about (or however they choose to use it), either stop doing it or stay away from me. The thing is, most people my age have learned what things can and can't be said to have a normal friendship. Even a scatterbrained cunt like me can remember which friends I can vent which ideas with. There are some friends where religion and politics are completely off-limits. Short of the revelation that someone is in a hate group or actively harming other human beings outside of feels, simply having an opinion I don't like is not going to terminate a friendship.

I know it's not popular for white people to notice color, but there are some older black men in my neighbor that clearly don't like white people. I hate to tell you this, but it's harmless and it doesn't stop me from waving hi to them every time. Not all racism is practiced hatred, just a strong unchallenged opinion. The worst thing you can do with a bigot is leave them to the ignorance of their opinions. These people don't need an echo chamber to say 'all x people are like this.' It might take a while, but sometimes you have to plant the seed to help someone consider extremities of thought might have exceptions. He doesn't need to know everything about me, or like everything about me, I can just be the white girl that waves to everyone. He can think I'm stupid or naive and it doesn't hurt my feelings.

I. Do not. Invest. In the opinions (or attitudes). Of anyone. But myself. There is no 'guilt by association' because I can and will speak up for myself and, as an adult, I've had no trouble doing so. I also make it a point to pick my battles, so sometimes when I stay silent, I've decided it's simply not worth it. People don't win arguments like they think they do. Unless the information presented is able to change someone's mind what THEY consider the better for them, you're just yelling into a pillow.

I know that sometimes my blog may turn someone off of their opinion of me. Despite all attempts at being both diplomatic and honest (it can be done), the reader will probably have some unavoidable hang-ups. The fear of being disliked should never silence you, should never prevent you from introspection and interaction. If there's one thing you should gather about me is that I'm both a tireless know-it-all yet still flexible of thought. My opinions are sometimes similarly unchallenged, no matter how much I endeavor to be sure that facts support them. Because I am imperfect, I also accept that people will challenge my comfort levels and knowledge.

Sounds crazy, I know, but you can be friends with a bigot. Their immovable opinions brought to light are usually not terminal to a friendship. We all draw lines in the sand-- I for one am not sticking around when the white hoods come out. However, I am seeing very flimsy thresholds for tolerance that border on bigotry themselves. I myself have always joked I am anti-Republican, but lo and behold, I do have Republican friends. I know because it came up when we first met and got comfortable enough to ditch the small talk. Yes, there was that moment for me, and likely them too, where a wariness settled in with that 'oh, you're one of THOSE' warning signs. However, the conversation didn't end there. I didn't quiz them up, demanding to know their stances. I truly enjoyed their company and their level of conservatism was made clear in our interactions. No flag waving, Bible-thumping, peeing on my leg at all. If I wanted to be ignorant, I'd throw that in their face and accuse them of all the ills of their party affiliation. However, I saw a human being working to enhance their way of life, their ideals, in the same way my beliefs and stances support my own.

Let me go back to the 'true colors' assumption from the beginning. This is the same fallacy of thought as considering alcohol a 'truth serum'. What people say in high emotion (or inebriation) does not reflect their 'true colors', I'm sorry to say. I was the sort of teenager that screamed 'I hate you' to my parents when I was sputtering for how I really felt, before I could FORM the true thought. I didn't hate them, I was just frustrated that I lacked the vocabulary just yet to tell them they didn't understand where I was coming from, was still struggling to understand it myself and being forced to do it right then was impossible. Sometimes, as humans, we are reactionary, inexperienced with a moment we are made to act or react in, but there are consequences to the sort of mistakes you can make in certain company. However, what I didn't know then was that pushing people away to be in my own head was NOT conducive to understanding. Making a habit of keeping people out of a process involving people is not going to give you the vocabulary you struggle with. While many of us need time to organize information to form the complete thought, we may need to humble ourselves to asking questions and reaching out to really satisfy the goal, then politely excusing ourselves to hear the thoughts in our own heads.

I usually stick to writing tips, but this does lead into concepts I touch upon in writing from time to time. There are countless quotes about the value of living life to enhance your writing, that you don't grow as a writer if you don't grow as a person, that chaining yourself to your desk is an act of immobility of thought. Bigotry and isolation does negatively affect your work unless your journey to confront and correct it enriches the conflict of your story. Yes, I am guilty of weeks of getting lost in writing, but one thing I enforce is breaks and sometimes just a short walk around the neighborhood. Some writers are terrified that tossing off their muse to take a break when the scene is just getting good means they risk losing that flow. 

Has that happened to you? In my case, it's always just the opposite. While writing UnNamed, I got interrupted by an unavoidable alarm when my head was just exploding with inspiration-- time to pick up the boys from school. I was in my head the whole walk, working out the scene I was itching to write, still mumbling in response to my nephews, and by the time I had gotten back to write, the ideas had only expanded. Even though it was a grey day, there was something meditative about the scenery, both familiar and real, that only fed the images and ideas in my head. I can't say for certain, but that scene might have been less than it was if I hadn't pulled away to consider it. It wasn't an emotional scene where hanging on may be more valuable to the impulse of that emotion. It may be worth adding the simplicity of that-- an emotional scene may need you to chain yourself to the moment, a thoughtful or logical scene may need the distance of thought.

Since I branched into talking about how flexibility of thought and circumstance blends into my writing, it's really time to tie up the post. It may be worth it to stick it out with a 'bigot'. They might be a conflict for you worth exploring. However, I do NOT condone what amounts to emotional abuse or some dangerous extremity that might being you to actual physical harm when they blurt out x word around the absolute worst audience. If you find that someone is consistently just ruining your moods, not giving you any grounds for inspiration or outright destroying it, don't stick it out. Sometimes, sentimentality can make us blind to just how bad it has gotten (hell, there are shows I watch well beyond enjoyment because I 'give it a chance to pick up'). I would never advise getting too deep into a toxic relationship. However, wave at the guy giving everyone the stink eye. Give stink eye to the loud bigot in line at the restaurant. Pick your battles, get a little uncomfortable, change some minds (especially your own).

Ah, but seriously-- don't lecture strangers. My blog is a good place to toss around ideas, but I'm not forcing anyone to listen or read. Creating a hostage situation to be heard is wasted wind to inflate your ego. Dial it back-- try leading by example. When people can see what actually works, they'll want to imitate that. Writing tips are often like that for me. Depending on how they are presented or considered determines whether I will give them any weight.

I haven't planned any posts-- I've been writing some scheduled posts, this one and one coming up concerning another look into gender and sexuality topics and why it's absurd that it's 'okay' or 'not okay' for a man/woman to write certain characters. Again, more musing than research. Typically, I reserve research for instructional posts (like the ones I did for formatting and cover design).

Looking into what I want to do for future posts. I'd love to do more instructionals-- no diplomacy needed and it lets me tap into my actual skill set.