When a Line is Open to Scrutiny

"Always remember, someone's effort is a reflection of their interest in you."

You see those one-liner quotes all the time that SCREAM 'guilt trip' everywhere these days. You instantly realize there's no way to offer a rebuttal outside of a lengthy objection.

So from the first, this quote ignores the reality of 'obligation.' It's difficult, if not impossible, to fit in every priority in your life into a day, of course. Sometimes it's hard to fit anything in for months. Your obligations are your efforts, first and foremost. Some relationships take extra steps, extra time, and not remembering to check in on people just isn't a mark of their value in your life.

As a writer and artist, my days are gobbled quick. I have certain 'routines' that I go to the effort of keeping up. When I hear my nephews awake in the morning (usually the sound of a keyboard or a bathroom door), I get up and poke my head around the corner with a cheerful 'good morning'. Breaks are often those times where I wander away from my work to eat, catch a nap, research something I feel my knowledge is weak on, poke my head around a door to see if my nephews want to talk or eat a meal with me. I love them and they are a priority, but there won't be many 'fun days' because the greater effort pulls me away from critical points in the process.

"It only take a few seconds to text 'hi'." Psh, you don't know a writer very well. My 'texts' are rarely less than a paragraph. And I'm a 3 AM kind of thinker sometimes, so you tell me how most people feel about a 'hi' at 3 AM with their notification volume still high.

My 'interest' in you is always something I will meet halfway. I let my friends kidnap me with zero notice and largely because I have the 'every three months' kind of friends. We're adults-- jobs, obligations, and I can tell you that a 'lack of effort' creates an 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' situation to the max. So I have to wonder, when I see a statement that needy, what are the expectations? Is there a demand for more time (which we'd all love to have) or a need to be entertained? No, I don't know what it is, but it certainly doesn't speak for people who have realized that chasing a dream requires sacrifice to things like a social life or a presence.

Admittedly, I am the person that doesn't contact first. I do feel some guilt about that, but there is also the humility of not rubbing it in people's faces that flexibility is something I get to enjoy at this stage in my life. My friends often have scheduled jobs, children (that understandably come first), and obligations I endeavor not to add additional pressure to with my own interest in them. However, this 'flexibility' is given the myth of a 'free' lifestyle when there is very little freedom in the pressure to be accountable to your work and yourself. Facing the same attitudes when I did college online, let me strengthen this concept for you. When I started college, I made a note of about 30 names that I saw consistently start and move through the courses with me. One or two started disappearing after months at a time. When I graduated after two years? Three names. I was also a consistently top scoring student and the C students were often baffled that the course minimum requirements of 2-3 hours a day plus 'doing all the work' made them average students. Even with a part-time job, I was putting in at least 6-8 hours of time towards my daily projects. Flexibility is not something casual attitudes will handle with success because many people go into it with the attitude that it will be 'easy'. What it means is, that instead of the standard full time job of 8 hours a day, I can home in on those 3 hour productivity bursts spread through at least three periods throughout my 24 hour day, to maximize the output and... to sacrifice 'days off' or even 'relaxing evenings'.

So no, effort is not the result of interest. I often start working with a lack of interest, just the energy and the understanding that momentum builds from a starting point so I can't always do what needs to be done with a full tank of enthusiasm. I often take small pleasure in finding what the people I am interested in are doing by passively browsing their social media, making a comment here and there. I always have interest for them and even a longing to see them, but it's also precious to me when we just happen to run into each other and we're free.

Right now, I'm not. I greet my nephews, who most of the time have me and only me around, but I am also a passive constant until they feel a spontaneous, low-effort urge to poke their head around my door. Drafting 160K words was something I knew would bite into a couple of weeks of focus. That's not to say people can't stop by, but it's not the time of luxuries where a 'hi' is good to go in becoming a four hour long chat session or a plan is organic to what I need to do first. I might even be quieter than usual because my brain will keep going to my work (that I can't talk about and have make any sense) or... I'll babble on some nonsensical inspiration, completely excited that I've found something to talk about. I'm at peace with this place-- forward-moving and interesting. However, 'effort' outside of it is a passing thought, a poke around the door into your life and a step back into the things I know I can't put off without regret.

Of course, I don't want my friends to feel like they are the only ones putting in all of the effort, but if they make me a priority, I give them the benefit of my best return effort. This is where I'm at. And maybe I'm a little dreamy, hoping for a day when I can be the one sailing into people's lives to whisk them away on adventures, but in the meantime, you're forewarned. This is what I need to do now. And what if there's no tomorrow? Sorry, I'm just not big on YOLO philosophies or the idea that you have to cling to people for fear of not having those guarantees.

Before my mom passed away, I got to spend one amazing day with her in the sunshine, give her her birthday present early, a skull bracelet I crocheted. When she was admitted to the hospital, I got that bracelet back when I left with a bag of her things the day she left her body behind. My last day with  her was spontaneous, devoid of the fears of what might come and I wouldn't have it any other way. I don't go through life wondering what my last memory will be of you nor what yours might be of me. The last two years of her life, effort amounted to a message from her asking if I wanted to come over, me saying yes, us watching game shows and talking about our lives-- the books I was writing, things we read in a magazine article, hilarious commercials from the 1920s. Never once did she guilt me about effort or entertainment or availability. As much as her and I have put each other through, I lost my soulmate when I lost her. It's impossible to tell me that any relationship worthwhile requires enormous effort. Perhaps I am perpetually single because compromise just doesn't fit into my priorities though. Work, mastery, skill requires effort. Relationships are where your heart goes to breathe and will always work best when done naturally.

Also, don't guilt your loved ones with cheap memes. Pour your heart out to their face. It denotes a lack of courage and a lack of creativity to do otherwise. I don't know who that quote was made for when I saw it(not for me, but I could take a guess) but I guarantee if you care that much, you're going about it the wrong way. Unless resentment and misery is the aim. Then you're just being toxic.

Annnnnd if you ever wonder WHY writers are verbose, it's because we know that even a well-thought out work leaves room for interpretation. We just endeavor to close up the gaps a bit more each time. It's a process.

Thinking Outside Your Genre

As of lately, I know my mind being in my work has led largely to talking around it but I'm sure for my writer friends, this is a place where we grab the sails and ride the wind for all its transient and precious value.

However, I have to say it's the work of others that I also feel compelled to account for these moments. Once more, a very valuable relationship I have with another writer plopped a second go at reading a screenplay I'm always excited to see the evolution of and it really propelled me into my current edit with renewed buoyancy. Antonio Maccagnan-- I need you all to remember this name because his work has the sort of depth, humor, emotional depth and versatility that even this crazy world can't ignore. I find his style and enthusiasm to be really instrumental into the courage and confidence that feeds my own work.

It can be really difficult to find a truly sincere camaraderie among other writers and if I can give you more valuable advice from this, it's to look outside of your usual genre for those connections. Or in this case, it's not always a deliberate action you take. When I received a private message asking me to take a look at his work, it was through a FaceBook group that I had joined only hours before and one I hadn't yet even posted in. Perhaps because it was a personal request rather than a general post, it appealed to my curiosity. Yet another takeaway for you-- just like agents aren't fond of being a CC in an email for general queries, your best beta readers are probably going to be the ones you seek out with individual consideration.

For one, there is no immediate feeling of safety or even competition in the mix. When you're not looking for 'experts' in your genre, you're getting truly fresh eyes. They are often still adept as writers with a similar passion for story-telling but they have completely different angles and approaches that can really enhance what you bring to your genre. Rather than looking for new ideas (difficult to near-impossible), you find a new way to tackle themes that can add depth to your piece that falls well outside trend and predictability. Ideas are wonderful to have, but you're going to find your voice is lent more to how you set the stage, the play of dialogue-- all things that aren't locked in the safety of your usual genre.

When you're not looking for someone to echo your thoughts, you even find very valuable exchanges in the disagreements. I don't always feel immediately comfortable offering what I would have done differently, but when you can build that level of rapport where your opinions hold more weight, then it becomes an experience outside of technicality, editing, a true exchange of knowledge leading to insight into your work that is often overlooked by a casual observer.

That being said, I do hope to be able to do some active searching for what my friends are doing this year. If you're one of these friends that I've expressed an interest in your work then haven't said much since, it wasn't just empty flattery. I know that's a thing for some people, but I don't do it. Truly, I have been immersed in my work and my intent to seek out your work is still in my radar. Right now, it's come down to the ones that seek me out and ask my opinion on something specific. Because my focus is very singular, the ones that give me 'homework' and a clear aim are something I find time for first and foremost. Nope, you don't have to beg or get too formal with me, just hit my inbox or comments and if I can fit it in, done and done. It's always an honor when a friend finds my input valuable.

I never want to give the impression that it's easy to build those relationships and for some of us, reaching out is a paralytic thought. If you're not the active seeker then be the one who offers an open door. Gently remind people you want to hear their 'pitch' and work out what you have time for. Gathering valuable relationships isn't scything fields of wheat, it's more like panning for gold. Find peace in the process rather than developing anxiety when things just aren't panning out. Sometimes you have to let go of active searching, switching into a more passive state so you can continue developing the work you want people to look at. If you're frustrated by time spent fruitless, stagnant on a stubborn path of unmet expectations, give it a passive assignment so you can give the active time to your work.

You'll fall into old traps of unproductive states from time to time, but I hope this can serve as a reminder that you're not quitting when you change priorities. You're placing value on your progress, prioritizing the work. Don't cling to what you think should be a bestseller and ignore the potential to expand your future work now. Many writers hustle to put out work consistently for many years before they find an audience. It's not because their work isn't good or they're doing anything wrong. Many of them met up with the harsh realities of obscurity but kept building their vision. Visibility isn't all advertisements, spam posting, and waving your arms around. It's often about standing your ground, moving just enough to make sure the strongest parts are always under your feet.

Okay, sometimes it's flailing...

Like wacky waving inflatable tube man, it can be a little dizzying, but don't forget that there is no lack of direction (and redirection) to keep up the momentum of inspiration and action.

You, too, can do this! And for the low, low price of free (+labor, materials, time, and putting up with your muse), you will rock! You signed up for this so take it for all it's worth. 

On a side note...

I know some writers get discouraged that most, if not all, of your friends and family are not fans of your work. Do remember that this is very typical and is not an indication of your talent or their love/support. I'm fully aware that sometimes family isn't a guaranteed source of love and support. For years, my aspirations were largely scoffed at and I can even admit it was rightly so. I kept notebooks, sketchbooks, never really focusing on anything, never having a complete show for the discipline of what I was doing. People will think you're not serious-- until you publish a book or two or ten, until they start seeing people commenting about your work on social media. Sometimes it takes a lot of visible little victories to start recruiting some of your closest friends. Sometimes the reason for this isn't awful-- many people closest to you are hesitant to enable you to flounder on your potential. They want to see you reaching beyond their safety to reach others. 

Yes-- some of those toxic people won't ever come around, won't ever knock on your door unless you're wildly famous or are even eager to see you fail because they are afraid you'll prove them wrong. I can also tell you that these people are both very few and will also crowd your view of what is actual and what matters. Toxic people are often like ink on your windshield, keeping you from seeing the cheering fans or even the sunlight. They are not the sum of all that's out there. If someone you respect and love isn't coming around, it may be time to take inventory of what you are putting out there. I've found that most of those people aren't hard to win over. The time it takes to accomplish something big is not the correct value to place on their approval either. When you want that journey for yourself, it isn't reasonable to place all of that weight, all of that struggle as what it took to win someone. That kind of assessment will only feed the bitter, resentful troll in your own head. Rather, understand that they might have already known you had it in you but didn't want to lay the weight of that on you to add to your failure if you couldn't come through.

I know the people that didn't ride my ass, either in opposition or support, when I struggled to perform weren't cruel. They were cautious of how vulnerable that process was for me and even trusted me to find my way. I can appreciate that no one tried to hold my hand because I needed both of them to type (and even when I draw, the non-dominant hand was useful for the hotkeys on my tablet). What speaks volumes is that their silence turned into words of pride for me, buying my books and even calling me an 'author' in conversation. Or like my bestie Emily says, a 'sensei'.

All in all, your passion-people are out there and they're probably not going to be who you expect them to be. The work is what will draw them, for better or worse, so don't apologize for the time and energy you need to spend to make that happen. Let your family and friends take on their important role as is and don't expect them to take on the fan role. More often than not, they'll have the important role of helping you through the ups and downs so you're not blowing off steam everywhere else and turning people off of your work. Their impartiality can be important in reminding you that you're still valuable outside of your work, that indeed you are still a pretty amazing person regardless.