When We Look For Advice, We Aren't Looking for 'Experts'

If just looking for experts in a field was a surefire way to be like them, to have just a little taste of their success or find the perfect method. Yet pour through their blogs, videos and podcasts and even those who aren't selling pills, webinars and their time/expertise (the ones with freebies) are often dishonest, if only because they don't mention one thing at some point.

They honestly have no clue how they made it.

Each of them spout hard work, opportunities, but again-- if they don't throw luck in there, it's not quite honest.

Fans could easily tell you what they like about your work. Trolls can tell you why they dislike it. Between those extremes, you may get a more level-headed assessment but that doesn't mean you'll find the definitive answer there.

Now, I didn't go looking for the magic pill to write this. Maybe ten or fifteen years ago, I sought out this elusive magic and learned that even when something works, it may not work again or time will alter how something affects you. Adaptability and personal tolerance are factors, not just chemically, but physically, mentally, emotionally. If you have a doctor/friend/guru that truly cares about you, you'll face several adjustments to your journey or need a new mentor altogether when you feel they're just not jibing with what you need. You may need help, you may need isolation and reflection. 

I did go hunting for current videos/blogs/etc. offering advice. It wasn't so much to find something new to try. More often than not, they're echoes of each other, but if you're lucky you might find one using a unique voice or just a little tweak from what you've tried, something that might actually be the breakthrough in your doubts that keeps you going. 

When we look for advice, sometimes we're just trying to touch base with parts of ourselves buried under a muck of other priorities. We're looking for the meditation to find what we want to be doing. Some of us are fine with delving into fiction and wandering until we stumble on what we didn't know we were looking for. I have the habit of looking for non-fiction articles, a quick fix before I get into creation.

This is largely why I've never taken to the 'how many books have you read in x amount of time' fad. I don't keep track and lately, I haven't read books. If I sit down to read a book, it has to be concentrated on in one sitting or a handful of days consecutively or it gets lost when my brain discards it in favor of what it thinks it needs to work. Reading, as a writer, is important. However, the marathons aren't the only efforts that count. Look at track events in the Olympics that are done in the blink of an eye. There are years of discipline jammed into small parcels. It's a great place to learn how to condense big ideas.

While I do look at novels for methods of the long game, I always feel my attention is engaged more when authors aren't aiming for high word counts with poetry and filler. It's the kind of author I aim to be now. However, I also like to write those detail-heavy stories (romance is one such place that uses this) that let you exercise your ego and penchant for observing and capturing every detail. I sometimes read what I'm not at all fond of just to assess why I don't. It's easy to write what you don't want to read when you don't make the conscious effort to avoid it. Your brain just sometimes flows with the familiar, not whether you should or shouldn't, but you can always train your brain to pick up on it later.

Yeah, I could write a blue streak about why women are drawn to 'romantic detail'. The gist of it being that many females are more biologically attuned to haptic stimulation, and any pursuit that simulates control over touch can be not just an aphrodisiac, but a high level mental stimulus. This is also connected to why women tend to be drawn to repetition (puzzle and simulation games, 'you've read one romance, you've read them all.'). I wouldn't say it's a rule, all you 'not one of those women', however, it's a fascinating read in female psychology how sex, for women, isn't always just about sex. Even being a non-traditional female, it turns out I do share and utilize feminine-dominant traits and I'm not at all ashamed of that. I'd love to go into this subject someday but this isn't the day.

'Experts' aren't the only ones with insight, is what I'm getting at. I'm no self-proclaimed sexpert or psychologist but I bet you could pick anyone's brain on something they've been intrigued about and come up some more unique takes on your theme involving it. Look for stimulus. It's amazing for writer's block too.

Kids Never See Me as Unemployed

Once more, I have to give props to kids for their perspectives about life. Yes, there are places where their inexperience or optimism or even open-mindedness may seem naive, but it also helps you shed some of those crusty edges-- the misery we mask as practical or responsible, the way we judge ourselves so harshly.

I've said before-- I hate the humble brag. Yet the other day, I was caught doing it. When asked what my job is I reverted back to saying that my last employer was Petco, but now I'm an artist (and author, duh, but it was my friend Erika that chimed in on that for me). It wasn't a conscious attempt to humble brag but, damn it, that's exactly what it sounded like and one that downplayed a DREAM. Not just a job, not even a reliable career, but a dream that I'm actively pursuing. And yes- it's still in its infancy, still feels surreal. Hell, when someone remembers that I have fibromyalgia (among other things), I almost forget that sometimes myself. Not because I'm not in pain, but because I'm used to defending myself as being 'fine' and my threshold for pain is something I've just grown so used to, it's not something I give any thought to. It just is. Like how kids can put zero thought into the transition between running and jumping on a bicycle and pedaling.

I can't say for certain why I felt so apologetic instead of proud. I work 8-14 hour days on my work. I was actually embarrassed that I had responded with so little enthusiasm-- at least until my friend's son Billy (wait, I think we call him Will now, but I am bad enough with learning one variation so that might take a few tries) was genuinely impressed. I don't mean just with a 'wow' but that instant lift of eyebrows and sudden lean towards you that isn't faked interest. No 'why don't you have a REAL job' or 'yeah, but what ELSE do you do?'

Perhaps a lot of adults forget their dreams or give up on them. Some actually resent people who take different risks and prioritize different sacrifices. Something about society made them believe that anything you wanted prior to age 30 was childish and impossible. Kids (and my very wonderful friends and family) just know me. Long-time friends and family know what I went through to gain that courage, what sacrifices I make to balance my priorities, and so on. Kids, well, they don't know the grittiest parts but they are still capable of understanding something that adults gloss over. 

For kids, dreams are stars, way up high, and know that up through the unknown is scary, unpredictable, but thrilling. For a great deal of adults, dreams are still stars. The nearest one is the Sun, the others impossibly far, and you'd burn up before you ever got there. So maybe a dream does start out as impractical. That we start to learn our expectations are unlikely, unrealistic, and many decide it's not worth it. My dream may have had its infancy, but when I collided with disappointment, doubt, and fear, I readjusted my attitude.

And I get this much; much of the responsibilities we chose to take on, thinking it was just what adults do (kids, marriage, jobs) gave us new priorities. I spent a good 15 years in short-lived jobs, battling my health issues, never understanding why adulting just wasn't panning out. My life, like so many others, wasn't according to plan. I never made enough money to have my own place, never kept a job long enough to do so, jumped in and out of hospitals, lost so many people. I didn't want marriage or kids, but I took on raising my nephews without a second thought. After gaining my second degree in graphic design, I wanted to find a job as a graphic designer, but I never learned how to drive and zero offers were reachable by public transit. Plus, my hours had to fit into when the kids were in school. I couldn't physically work as a cashier anymore. I tried sell handcrafts but I got tired of people undervaluing my work.

Writing started to fill those anxious hours where nothing seemed to fit right. And kids, kids are always the ones that can be completely ignorant of that last paragraph and simply think it's exciting that I didn't just write-- I drew, I formatted, I published. Tons of people write but, as I've said before, everyone 'has ideas' or 'is writing a book'. Some people even publish then get discouraged when they aren't a smash hit and it ends there. Kids see the results and marvel at them. Even without experience to make them jaded, they know it's no small feat. They don't need time or trials to understand insecurity and not finishing what you start. 

You can grumble about kids these days all you want. There have always been hormonal, entitled, reckless, unstable kids, but more often than not, I see kids who make me hopeful for the future. Many of them do more than access social media to bully or gossip-- they're smart and aware and struggling with a world very different from ours at their age. My parents was before the technological boom, mine was on the cusp, these kids are in the thick of this explosion of information and chaos. None of us really get each other and I'm tired of the pissing contest on who had it worse; you really can't compare the sum of anyone's experiences that simply. Still, I see people giving up on these kids before they've even gotten started. They certainly don't whine or procrastinate any more than adults and beneath the teenage bravado, they're scared of what the future might hold too. Youthful arrogance that they can do better might be overblown, but it's like revving your engine before a race-- showy but it puts you in the mindset for the race and preps the vehicle.

I'm rather fond of kids that don't let a jaded world limit their perspective. Whether we completely 'get' each other or not is of no consequence. For someone to be able to assess the value of your contribution without asking you to justify it is the most wonderful, reaffirming experience. So I'll work at it. Someday, I won't revert to the stupid impulse to apologize for working hard to chase a dream. I may need a few brilliant reminders from the most amazing people I know. They don't always know how amazing they are, but that's what I'm here for.

We raise this village. Not one busted cog in the bunch.