My Favorite F-Word

Not that one; friends!

I got to go to a Coheed and Cambria concert last night. It's been over a decade since I've been to a concert and I've never heard their music before. However, my friend Joe is one of those people who has a really good (or at least aligned with my own) tastes in music so I let myself go to be surprised and really enjoyed 'discovering' them this way. 

Before that, another dear friend confided in me over a really stressful issue she didn't feel comfortable sharing with anyone else. Even though there's little in my power I can do, I did offer those things in my power (listening or any action she decided to take that needs a crew). It always feels good to be that trusted person and more so when I can get them out of a situation when they decide to take a big step.

Today, my friend Erika posted pictures of my paperback copies of my latest series, which was even more icing on the cake. It always feels amazing to have your friends brag on you, especially since I don't have those 'participation award' sort of friends that don't act like you shit gold with every step.

I used to be the sort that would commiserate with others over the only two friends they actually have, but that would be a self-effacing lie that discredits the wonderful people I'm grateful to have in my life. Even if I only see some of these people twice a year or haven't met them off of the internet at all, there are simply people in my life that I could consider best friends, loyal friends I share meaningful conversations with, that can't be ranked less than friends. There's simply none of the restrained politeness that you'd assign to acquaintances.

Every once in a while, I can ascribe general positivity to some of my limitations and I can't deny that my friendships rarely stay in the small talk category for long. Both I and them know pretty quickly whether we click or not and we dive right into the meat of each other's lives. There are always areas where we clash but rather than fan those flames, we gladly pass those places up and connect on more common ground. If I am down-to-earth or kind or intelligent, it's easily because I keep those closest who let me be that person without shame. If they seem I am flustered or start to stammer, they don't point it out or agitate it, knowing it will pass on its own. I'll laugh, slow down my speech or stop then catch up and all is good.

It's not that the world around me has to take the lead from me. I know it's just as much self-discipline that teaches me to accommodate others and some will not play nice. Walking away from hostility works too. However, for those most patient, I am also able to be a great friend to them. Even as a retail worker, I tended to reward kinder people with better recommendations, sale items, and personalized information, simply for letting me be helpful. You don't have to exhaust yourself with a false face to navigate the world, just be open enough to let people be themselves. Don't take it personally when a stranger treats you like garbage. It's never personal because they don't know you--it's harder for a lot of people to be honest with those they are closest to so they sometimes see strangers as the better choice to take that out on. In most cases, you find a place between firm and kind. Don't let them step on you but also don't let them make you defensive. Often, I see hostility melt into apology and exhaustion rather than continue. When they're too ruffled to stop, there's the walk away.

And yes, even with customers. In fact, I often go straight to a manager on duty, explain that I walked away and ask them to handle it then I'd excuse myself to the bathroom to calm down. At that point, I'm usually so close to a panic attack that I can hear my heart hammering in my ears but I never ask to the restroom. If I ever have the sort of manager that tried to discipline me for that, it's a job I will walk away from. However, even my worse bosses have not gone to that length. It's no longer than a usual bathroom break and I come back a blank slate, ready to go.

You can't be afraid that the world will punish you for taking the initiative. Knowing how to be a productive worker is nothing you need permission for so don't ask for it. Handle it and show you know what you're doing. There's no benefit to bottling as if they own the air your breathe and over medicating to suppress valid human reactions. People who latch onto how badly you need the job will use that against you sometimes. Give them your best, the best YOU know how, and you might be surprised by how your situation could improve.

There will always be parts of your life you shouldn't take to work, things you'll contain in the moment.

But that's what friends are for, right? 

Why You Shouldn't Listen to Anyone Who Says They Know What's Best For You

Most people know that one of my favorite sayings is "The road to hell is paved with good intentions." Good intentions were especially damning for me since I grew up with a very naive, honest and curious nature, one that needed a lot of tempering to keep people from taking advantage. It's not perfect, of course. Most people who try to manipulate or talk down to me, though, exhaust me into retreating. It's rarely turned into a need for confrontation. Fortunately, as an adult, sticking to my guns has managed to get a lot of people off of my back. I understand what it's like to be young and discouraged by those well-meaning people who think they can tell you how to live a good life and imply that your choices are all flawed.

Unfortunately, even the most critical, cunning and practical people can fall prey to the social structures that condition us to trust family or even those who claim to love us most. There are just some people so disturbingly versed in gas lighting, manipulation, and guilt trips, that the abuse eventually digs deep. However, some of us also learn the hard truths of why unconditional love is dangerous. The concept itself relies on putting your happiness in someone else's hands. We're sometimes taught that it's virtuous and not to question that purity.  It only reveals how broken we are, right? Yet, being a good and useful person is not about constant sacrifice from yourself to build up someone who practices the same selfishness that they scold you for. Being a good and useful person is a definition you come by through introspection, the individual self, and mostly because this is the person you have to face when all of the well-meaning ones have left you with the pieces.

I've spoken of the intricacies of morals before but it embodies the same idea here. In fantasy and reality alike, you see many well-meaning people who are the villains. Sometimes they have intelligent ideas or at least lofty ones, but ultimately the damage they do to others far outweighs any claim as to their own virtue. People who seek to make you out to be the villain are often just willing to completely overlook your good qualities and contributions in favor of their own narrative. Is it really a good idea to entrust your own opinions of yourself and your world to such fragile whims?

On a personal level, I often run into people who assume a lot about me based on very little. On a good and evil scale, I'm admittedly pretty balanced. I can admit where my choices were not my best (okay, pretty shitty and usually due to impulse or haste) and where they did a lot of good. People will even weigh the same action, but cast a different light on it depending on their mood. Good mood? I'm taking care of my family. Bad mood? I'm taking advantage. They aren't wrong. Advantage is taken, but let's be clear-- that is mutual. I am taken advantage of as well, but that is the way of compromise. That neither actual party is bitter or abused by the circumstances ultimately means that the outside observer is stirring shit into a perfectly ordinary stew.

There are many scales that you shouldn't ignore in favor of the others either. There is a scale for how you treat yourself. There is a scale for everyone else. Now, the many scales can get pretty complex once you start realizing that you weigh some things together that should also be weighed separately to remove certain biases, but... you must also protect certain biases. (Why do we protect them? Because biases are where we draw caution from the damage of our own experiences. They should always be weighed but with a grain of salt, not as the main measure.)

The problem with good intentions is that they measure only how someone, often temporarily, feels or thinks. Without knowledge of your experience or mental fortitude, they make dangerous assumptions about your happiness that could in turn make those who care about you miserable. However, if your misery comes back on them, it's just as likely that they will find some fault in you rather than their own bad advice. You must not have done it right or you didn't want it enough. Be wary of those who are quick to blame you this way. For that matter...

This is why it's my personal policy to make decisions where I have no one to blame but myself. I refuse to burden someone with the results of their own bad advice. They can go ahead and wonder, or even be sure that my life would be better if I had listened, but I will continue to be accountable for choices I make. If their advice aligns with my plans, I'll gladly tell them I was thinking the same and if they add any insight, I'll thank them for that. However, pushy advice that shows no understanding or consideration for my ideals is often politely rebutted. "I appreciate the concern but I will do what I think is best for me." It's not my problem if they feel this reply is selfish. Knowing from experience that self-care is best for my loved ones as well, I don't take it to heart when I'm accused of being cold. It's a shame only because they don't know how warm and kind I really am to those who don't back me into a corner. For the people I need to be strong for (myself included), I come through. It is not my responsibility, nor is it yours, to be universally compassionate at the expense of your own community. If you are in a position to be more broadly compassionate, by all means, take it. However, another favorite proverb of mine is "beware the naked man who offers you a shirt." Those who give up what they need themselves often expect you to do the same with whatever they desire... and you might not be able to easily part with.

No one knows what is best for you, and part of wisdom is admitting that you don't always know either. However, sometimes you just have to go with your gut. I've had a lot of experience with people that will look at a blue sky and try to tell you it's pink. And no, not because they're colorblind but because they want you to doubt what your reality is. It's not always well-meaning but it doesn't have to cripple you either. I've learned a lot through abuse and while I'd never thank the abusers, I'm certainly grateful that I could turn shit to gold. I like to think, in some way, that surviving my experiences might prevent a suicide, even save someone who will go on to do amazing things. I'm a fan of blind charity, where I don't need affirmation of the good I do-- just the possibility that my efforts may pay off somewhere.

It's okay if people walk away when you hold your ground. They're doing what they think is best for them. Don't let those people cast doubt on you or make you bitter. There will be other opportunities to meet the right supportive people when there's not a hanging crowd of negatives blocking them out. This is why I have a hard time truly believing people are good or bad as well. People can be good or bad for you, and it's even possible that they can be good or bad for mostly everyone, yet it still is essentially an observation. Either way, sticking around on the belief that you can make them 'better' on virtue of your own understanding... it doesn't happen outside of fiction and even that sort of fiction normally falls flat. Let people go who stray too far from where you're going. You're going to have single friends that don't want to be friends with a mom. There's nothing wrong with them or you-- what's worse is developing the attitude that you're the better person on either side of that fence.

Once more, it goes back to you doing you. By virtue of action, you can be the sort of person that balances out those scales. You can be the person you need to be for you and your loved ones and beyond that. However, you, your loved ones, and the world will not be unconditionally your ally. Get out of your own way sometimes. Sit this one out when you need to. There will be times when you need someone and times where you really just need to learn how to be with yourself.

Try to become an expert on you. That doesn't mean you can't enjoy taking compliments or even hearing out bad advice. I've often let people talk when I notice it's less about me and more about the regrets for choices they've made. Sometimes, my dad gets frustrated with something in his life and tries to make it about me, but these are always the times when I take a deep breath and remind him that whatever is bothering him, it sounds like he could use an ally more than another person angry at him. If he wants to vent, I'm all ears, but--don't be someone's doormat, punching bag, scapegoat. Ever. Especially not if you love that person. The best thing you can do sometimes is walk away. Sometimes just for a few minutes. It doesn't always have to be out of their life. However, if that's what it takes to heal, take those steps.

I wouldn't talk to my mom for three years after a lifetime of letting her hurt me. In those three years, we missed each other. She thought about why I was hurt and when I finally decided I could voice those grievances, we found a relationship of trust and honesty and respect. If I had stayed, she might never have regretted what she'd done because my presence would have always falsely reassured her that it was okay.

You can't take any of my experiences and expect the same results, but at the same time, you might find a new way to see how it works in your life. That's what truly matters. Should I say it again?

You, and only you, know what's best for you.

You Got You, Babe

I might have said in many ways how grateful I am to have the support system that I do (and that it wasn't always so ideal or even present at all). I see many people twisted up over the lack of support, and namely a very specific disappointment in a certain party. Women upset that their fiancés aren't enthusiastic about reading their work, individuals of all ages (even adults) lamenting discouraging or outright hostile parents, people wondering if they should ditch friends that avoid reading it at all costs.

Yet the more you push, the more resistance you will get.

What must drive you, and what you must never become complacent with or spoiled by even when your support is phenomenal, is you. I know it sounds insultingly simple and you'll hear it said a million ways by writers reaching out to support other writers, but you must do you.

Without knowing how you're built to be receptive to change, most people (myself included) will resist the more people insist. I tried to push people to believe in me at one point, but it's time and energy wasted in how I could keep proving I had what it takes. I'm not a joiner and I don't know why I thought I was so rare in that, but I find that most people aren't anxious to swim with the other fish upstream unless the reward for the effort is irresistible.

Well, what effort is involved in just passively sharing your work on social media, or word of mouth? A great deal of people also want to believe we discovered our most treasured assets and there's also a HUGE amount of pressure you're putting on them to be what you want from them. They do want to be your fan in some sense, but they don't want to seem like that simply because of that relationship. They look like a tool and anyone they talk to is suspicious as to whether they REALLY like it. You may be writing something they've never been interested in and even if its genre is close, it still might not be the tone they enjoy. They might see your writing voice as uncomfortably intimate and don't want to know how you bare yourself as a writer to the public. They also see how much it means to you and even the most honest friends might be terrified to jab too deep and send you into depression.

Even though I offer reasons, this isn't a good way to analyze their motives with a game of twenty questions. Really, you have to go passive on this one. Let them come to you but don't be wounded if they pretend ignorance. You probably exhibit sensitivities that make it difficult to approach you. Work on that.

How? Again, this work is about you. Delve into it, refine it, tear it apart, lay it open to critics and bleed. It can take many, many years to get a peep out of the people closest to you. You might want to find cynical reasons or use that writer's mind to weave a tale of their bitterness and resentment for your passion. Pfft. Get over yourself on that. I mean it. I had to. Jealousy is like that spot in your vision that moves when you look at it. Even if there's a chance they are, you're kind of just the annoying douche that pokes their eyeball to try to make them see it.

Like the header says, you got you. That introversion into your work is your retreat to build and wreck and rebuild anyway you want. Don't turn it into a place of overwork or grudgery in some desperate act of chasing perfection and acceptance. You really have to keep the pettiness out unless it somehow works directly as an arc in your work. You're going to make a lot of work for yourself undoing whatever garbage piles up around you unless you work on focusing on the work. You can sit down angry, cracking your knuckles in an effort to prove something to someone, but once you get going, kick that shit out.

I know some of my readers are in a good place. Even better than the place I'm in on some comparative scale even. You can back me up or refine the idea I'm on then. This is going to be more for the inexperienced or struggling ones who just can't kick the melancholy of where they are as opposed to where they want to be or think they should be.

No one can promise you'll shine like a beacon and turn over all your opposition. In fact, when you do well, quite the opposite is a possibility. What you need at every point of time is the state of mind to keep going no matter how celebrated or vilified you are. Be the consummate hero (or villain) and champion your ideals. Don't worry about whether it's good or bad. It's very unlikely you'll unknowingly pass some point of no-return. Mastery is a slow climb and you'll always find places to change tact, to be more present in life or buckle down on neglected writing.

Only you can give you that state of mind. I know you have you. It's your certainty. You won't become disembodied and regrets are beneath you. Start now. Change now. Work now. Keep at it. Fall off the wagon, get back in. Build a better wagon. Burn the damn wagon and get a sexy Italian sportscar. A sense of humor and a creative view on your life? You'll need them. Now kick some ass and consider every new fan, every loved one who joins your cause a little more, an unforeseen bonus.

You have to earn it to appreciate it. You can't expect it, no matter how hard you work. A loyalty prize is a cheap win-- it feels DAMN good to win the unwinnable. 

COLOR-PORN TIME!

I know I'm driving some people nuts with my damn subtleties but bear with me. This is Ashe's color scheme. That is not the same white as Dinsch's. Ashe's hair is more of a cream-tinted white, as his is not the platinum of albinism but just a truly light shade of blonde with a warm yellow base (platinum is a cooler base, which is I leaned on a green base for Dinsch). I rolled the mouse to choose these so no cheap presets would do (although I was pleasantly surprised to see my 'discovered' white is alternately called Albany Paint Brilliant White so someone liked it enough to honor it with a name). I found this medium blue then desaturated it a bit so it actually feels warmer and less electric in brightness. In the story, Ashe's white/blue combo is noted by Rienna since her fiancé shared those traits although she insists that her fiancé's hair is even whiter and his eyes even lighter, so I'd have to hit the palette for him too, create distinctions that aren't just tuned to my insane eyes.

Ashe's eyes take on a true blue hue called cerulean (link only to avoid confusion), and the Crayola version is what I had in mind. 

Side note: Their actual cerulean crayon was my first color crush. I actually had one that was poorly mixed as a kid so the radiant blue sometimes streaked with flecks of deep green. Every time I used it, brilliant scenes of mermaids and seagulls and worlds where the sea and sky blurred together filled my mind. Sadly, I haven't found another with that magic since but it remains vivid.

As for Ashe, his character is almost irritatingly playful. Seemingly simple-minded and shallow, happy-go-lucky and content to follow but comfortable enough to lead. I needed his coloration to eliminate any hint of coldness, to mask the horrors of his past as much as his outer persona did. If anything, he is adaptable and even perceptive, allowing himself to be insulted or confronted, taking no offense to someone blowing off steam. He knows when to be serious, but it is also a shallow mantle, one he doesn't fasten on too tight and is keen to shed as soon as possible. He is black and white in one container, which makes him a truly interesting character to develop.

Now that Ashe had his runway moment, I'll sneak peak the next color-porn feature to come with... Night. Oy. I'm going to be a pain in the ass again, but he's the dark child of my heart and I'm going to have to justify my pain-in-the-ass distinctions again.

Are you the master of your workflow or is there a chip (or chunk) in your armor? Feel free to vent or brag below!

Happy Birthday to my BFF!

I'm also happy to count Emily/Evan Roberts as one of my first fans. She's one of the few people in my life that really gets the complexity of identity and puts up with my garbled mess of a working brain. And I don't mean in some bullshit PC context-- we don't fuck with needing a vocabulary to communicate. She's someone who is just okay with having hours-long conversations about being confused, not becoming less confused, and still walking away satisfied by the experience. Well, wouldn't life be boring if we could just wrap it all up and call it a day? She's a huge part of my own journey towards self-acceptance so I owe her at least a little dedication. Happy birthday! We've had a lot of ups and downs, but you mean a lot to me. We're both swiss cheese brains these days, but that works to our advantage somehow. 

I'll be posting what I made for her birthday in the next few days too.

Solitude, Survival and the Importance of Having Great Friends

Apparently, Blaise Pascal is not just known for being a mathematician but credited for an idea that man's downfall is his inability to handle solitude.

While I can say that I'm no stranger to nor abhorrent to solitude, I can't say it's always preferred. I've been able to stare into nothing and contemplate everything, but there is such a thing as too much. Of anything. Men's miseries are also compounded by an all or nothing attitude. I get what Pascal may mean here though. More and more people seek happiness that is dependent on what you're doing and who you're doing it with, forgetting to connect to the self, to be uncomfortable with your own thoughts and problems and not look to others for permission to be happy.

Evolutionary speaking, we know humans were not built to embrace prolonged solitude, even if some are perfectly capable of enjoying it (usually after a life of being weary with humanity's issues). High infant mortality rates, low life expectancy, disease, etc. made it imperative to not wander through life in a state of prolonged solitude. There's an imperative we don't quite understand to pass on our genes and even studies done on how smell is often part of the chemistry of finding partners. While some humans favored the idea of monogamy, a 'guaranteed' partner for the breeding, it was just as important to be a flexible breeder (the death or separation of a mate or even a lack of fertility or surviving children). Breeding expectations that were imperative for survival are destructive and unnecessary today. That's not to say it's lesser to follow any biological imperative, but we're also a species that has advanced with intellectual potential that can make more informed decisions on whether the results of breeding are worth it (or even the consequences of sexual contact). While I don't think it's morally necessary to be monogamous or that every pregnancy should result in a child, I do think sexual and reproductive choices are still something society is applying too much unnecessary interest and pressure to. Regardless of your feelings, bodily autonomy is a human right that we need to stop treating like a topic of debate. I won't argue your feelings about how you weigh life, but what you do with your morals and body should never decide for another. I bring this up because often, starting a family is sometimes not done for the sake of the child itself but from a fear of being alone. Just like entering into bad relationships is justified by 'not being alone.' People who never realize they were not going to just automatically find happiness in being a parent or a partner only compound their own misery if they still fail to connect with what they really want from themselves.

I'm going to jump around a bit here and there or the three topics at hand will drag on too long to reach a solid point. 

Practices that humans have been doing for 'thousands of years' are failing us in modern times. It's constantly under the microscope that the convenience of social media both makes more people accessible and has made it socially normal to ignore the people in front of us while connecting with people through digital channels. And the ease and convenience isn't making us more secure. In fact, it's making us more inaccessible, more stressed, more dependent on the temporary approval, often of people we don't actually know and who just as easily have no loyalty or staying power. And often we don't look at the name behind those Likes, but just at whether or not the number of Likes validates it. And no, not just in social media. The problem exists in texting and calling, older than the technological boom of the last 30 years in the case of calls. We expect people to be almost instantly accessible and even amenable to our desires and not responding, again, within our personal time frame of impatience, there is often hostility that we once reserved for people we dislike. We can contact the people we love more often and quicker, but it doesn't fulfill what we really need in a social connection and we find ourselves clogging up our days with the microscopic rewards that only cause spikes in depression and ultimately, a feeling of loneliness.

Back to the ancestors, it was necessary for hunting and farming and sex to be imperative when humans were struggling to survive. It often was an arrangement that was unromantic, practical but still required a level of amicability and cooperation. Sure, throughout history, there was courtship and romance, but there were always conditions of undesirability or arranged marriages, just plain snobbery and politics, using their own bloodlines as currency (and some of the freakiest consequences of prolonged inbreeding for that matter). Humanity, as a whole, has ever been misdirecting biological imperatives and expectations, ever miserable in never quite finding what makes them truly happy, sometimes doing little but passing misery to the next person by using moral signaling to mask the crime.

Liberals and conservatives of the extremist variety are BOTH responsible for society's inability to enjoy human relationships, not just technology alone. Modern humans still take the romance, patience, and pride out of being a decent and open-minded person. There are still antiquated attitudes about skin color and culture and using both as an excuse to isolate ourselves. There are also confusing ideas about gender and personality (and yes, as someone who is mentally fluid about gender roles, what people mistake as gender fluidity is just personality, curiosity and exploring your potential as a human-- why complicate it and just make more boxes to further isolate each other?). We don't need more labels for sure. I'll say that again and again. The more sure someone is of their myriad labels, the more miserable they are trying to make complete strangers adhere to them. And often the less time they spend developing skills and relationships beyond this ridiculous pride in being completely average.

It's true enough that the world is simply overcrowded. No, I don't vouch for genocide to 'fix' this. The problem with that is humanity has no gauge for who 'deserves' to live or die because it's either based on emotion or some petty disagreement on what traits are desirable in continuing the human race. It's too emotional or too logical and neither is a solution. Some people who think they have high moral gauges don't realize the hypocrisy when they have ever considered that some people 'deserve' to not exist. It's a lazy thought process because many 'bad people' develop beliefs out of fear, not ignorance, and can learn once you remove such lazy hostility from your confrontations with them. Either way, trying to regulate life is always going to have moral and practical debates that will never reach resolution, nor should they. We already live in a world where romance is dead for most of the population. People wait longer to decide if marriage is a good idea or rush to nullify or divorce when they realize it was a big mistake. Some people are desperately alone, so sure that given a chance, everything would just magically fall into place. Often these people become more undesirable, less self-aware, and lash out. Rather than meet them with the hostility they expect, the only actual way to reach them is to listen. Like most people, they want to connect but are sorely lacking in some aspect of their humanity.

Either way, Pascal wasn't wrong about the importance of 'a quiet place'. Solitude is also something we can suffer from even when surrounded by others. That's not new to our age, only the heightened level that modern conveniences have blown it up. Toxic family or friends, apathetic strangers, entitled people who only try to groom you for a relationship then bail if you make it clear you're only interested in friendship. We have such instant access to distraction and weak social bandages that we are losing the ability to connect and value that connection-- that much is true. Connecting to others and to ourselves-- we're avoiding it or making weak connections, there's no dispute about that.

That being said, I am not a person that 'suffers' from loneliness, despite my 'lamented' (pwahahaha) single status or my long hours of writing and drawing. I am not experiencing the inevitable depressing effect of loneliness. When I am alone, I am still connecting to my inner voice. I stare at fish, look around my room doing nothing. We live in a society that pegs this for laziness or inertia, but at the same time, people are drawn to me because I telegraph this air of contentment and purpose BECAUSE I understand its value. I solve problems, I slow down my rapid thought processes, I start to listen to myself and what I want to give and receive.

I rarely see my real-life friends but those moments are absolutely magical for me and maybe more so because it's neither expected nor frequent. Even many of the people I only know through the internet are incredible people. Because I am so connected to myself, I am never 'wrong' when I have a good feeling about someone. I DO choose 'friends for life' and even my working relationships have that kind of assurance. I study people without looking like a stalker, just subtly absorbing who they really are without exacting judgment. My friends are nothing alike (I've never had a 'type' in any sense, romantic or otherwise-- sense of humor and respect is about it). They have a range of jobs and/or living situations, sexuality, races, religions and so on. No, it's not some subtle way of saying 'my friends aren't only white', but I don't have unconscious barriers that prevent me from opening my mouth when I sense a possible kinship.

These are people that demand nothing from me, either in frequency or status. They know not to take it personally that my work and livelihood often sets me in a place of solitude for months (they also know I'm likely to drop everything when they call to include me because I'm spontaneous and impulsive). I am incredibly grateful that these people are in my life. Some I have known for years, some for a few months, but time doesn't set priority. I'm well over ranking my friends by their 'use' to me. I brag about friends to other friends and let them know I brag about them to other friends too. I would love to name them, but I know the list would grow and grow and grow because I can credit a lot of people in my life now towards my growth and support. Leaving anyone out would devastate me and a long list is something that bristles on my humility. It's never about quantity and I don't want them to feel like names on a list when they're so much more.

There's a lot of love and support that is far more important to becoming a better human than placing expectations on your social acceptability ever could. I had those shallow clubbing days where I was always making shallow connections. I would never go back. We are creatures looking for the balance of dependency and independence-- total independence just sounds like a place of isolation. We need to rely on each other. The internet is great for information, but it will never ever beat personal experience and the subtle cues on faces and bodies a page full of words can't replicate. 

I do think that we will get a grip on this fast-changing world, one way or another, but things will need to change. Attitudes will need to change. We'll need to understand and seek the value of both isolation and great friendships and relationships. I can't MAKE change, only encourage people, lead by example and hope people can find their own way to happiness. That the people they bring into their lives are simply there because they truly enjoy each other's company, not fill a quota to banish solitude or 'complete' some missing part of them. The best thing you can do is be a complete person for any and all of the people in your life.

Kids Never See Me as Unemployed

Once more, I have to give props to kids for their perspectives about life. Yes, there are places where their inexperience or optimism or even open-mindedness may seem naive, but it also helps you shed some of those crusty edges-- the misery we mask as practical or responsible, the way we judge ourselves so harshly.

I've said before-- I hate the humble brag. Yet the other day, I was caught doing it. When asked what my job is I reverted back to saying that my last employer was Petco, but now I'm an artist (and author, duh, but it was my friend Erika that chimed in on that for me). It wasn't a conscious attempt to humble brag but, damn it, that's exactly what it sounded like and one that downplayed a DREAM. Not just a job, not even a reliable career, but a dream that I'm actively pursuing. And yes- it's still in its infancy, still feels surreal. Hell, when someone remembers that I have fibromyalgia (among other things), I almost forget that sometimes myself. Not because I'm not in pain, but because I'm used to defending myself as being 'fine' and my threshold for pain is something I've just grown so used to, it's not something I give any thought to. It just is. Like how kids can put zero thought into the transition between running and jumping on a bicycle and pedaling.

I can't say for certain why I felt so apologetic instead of proud. I work 8-14 hour days on my work. I was actually embarrassed that I had responded with so little enthusiasm-- at least until my friend's son Billy (wait, I think we call him Will now, but I am bad enough with learning one variation so that might take a few tries) was genuinely impressed. I don't mean just with a 'wow' but that instant lift of eyebrows and sudden lean towards you that isn't faked interest. No 'why don't you have a REAL job' or 'yeah, but what ELSE do you do?'

Perhaps a lot of adults forget their dreams or give up on them. Some actually resent people who take different risks and prioritize different sacrifices. Something about society made them believe that anything you wanted prior to age 30 was childish and impossible. Kids (and my very wonderful friends and family) just know me. Long-time friends and family know what I went through to gain that courage, what sacrifices I make to balance my priorities, and so on. Kids, well, they don't know the grittiest parts but they are still capable of understanding something that adults gloss over. 

For kids, dreams are stars, way up high, and know that up through the unknown is scary, unpredictable, but thrilling. For a great deal of adults, dreams are still stars. The nearest one is the Sun, the others impossibly far, and you'd burn up before you ever got there. So maybe a dream does start out as impractical. That we start to learn our expectations are unlikely, unrealistic, and many decide it's not worth it. My dream may have had its infancy, but when I collided with disappointment, doubt, and fear, I readjusted my attitude.

And I get this much; much of the responsibilities we chose to take on, thinking it was just what adults do (kids, marriage, jobs) gave us new priorities. I spent a good 15 years in short-lived jobs, battling my health issues, never understanding why adulting just wasn't panning out. My life, like so many others, wasn't according to plan. I never made enough money to have my own place, never kept a job long enough to do so, jumped in and out of hospitals, lost so many people. I didn't want marriage or kids, but I took on raising my nephews without a second thought. After gaining my second degree in graphic design, I wanted to find a job as a graphic designer, but I never learned how to drive and zero offers were reachable by public transit. Plus, my hours had to fit into when the kids were in school. I couldn't physically work as a cashier anymore. I tried sell handcrafts but I got tired of people undervaluing my work.

Writing started to fill those anxious hours where nothing seemed to fit right. And kids, kids are always the ones that can be completely ignorant of that last paragraph and simply think it's exciting that I didn't just write-- I drew, I formatted, I published. Tons of people write but, as I've said before, everyone 'has ideas' or 'is writing a book'. Some people even publish then get discouraged when they aren't a smash hit and it ends there. Kids see the results and marvel at them. Even without experience to make them jaded, they know it's no small feat. They don't need time or trials to understand insecurity and not finishing what you start. 

You can grumble about kids these days all you want. There have always been hormonal, entitled, reckless, unstable kids, but more often than not, I see kids who make me hopeful for the future. Many of them do more than access social media to bully or gossip-- they're smart and aware and struggling with a world very different from ours at their age. My parents was before the technological boom, mine was on the cusp, these kids are in the thick of this explosion of information and chaos. None of us really get each other and I'm tired of the pissing contest on who had it worse; you really can't compare the sum of anyone's experiences that simply. Still, I see people giving up on these kids before they've even gotten started. They certainly don't whine or procrastinate any more than adults and beneath the teenage bravado, they're scared of what the future might hold too. Youthful arrogance that they can do better might be overblown, but it's like revving your engine before a race-- showy but it puts you in the mindset for the race and preps the vehicle.

I'm rather fond of kids that don't let a jaded world limit their perspective. Whether we completely 'get' each other or not is of no consequence. For someone to be able to assess the value of your contribution without asking you to justify it is the most wonderful, reaffirming experience. So I'll work at it. Someday, I won't revert to the stupid impulse to apologize for working hard to chase a dream. I may need a few brilliant reminders from the most amazing people I know. They don't always know how amazing they are, but that's what I'm here for.

We raise this village. Not one busted cog in the bunch.

The Distance and the Intimacy: The Love Affair with Writing

We're all consumers before we are creators, no matter how much our parents/caregivers might have insisted the massive dumps in our diapers were a sight to behold. Learning faces through the blur of first sight, hearing every strange noise to prickle the ear-- assuming we're born with all senses intact, that is. (Perhaps this is why some deprivation of sense is fascinating to me, but I'll get to that.)

What do I mean by distance and intimacy? Well, not all of us really know that our 'passions' have longevity so there's a time issue involved. Sometimes, and for long periods of time, we may break up with our passions, cheat on them, all the while pining for them. Sometimes a particularly sensitive piece creates a different phenomenon of distance/intimacy. Sometimes we need to blubber and roll in the juices and sometimes we need to be the harsh logical judge of it. We get through the passion parts and then poke, edit, play, indulge, reject, accept-- it's 12 stages of grief and euphoria, but we each fill in the blanks. I've said before-- ebb and flow and some of the best writing I've seen uses the push and pull of development, to align with the very real state of many struggles. Something the characters move on their motivations, sometimes things have to happen to them. Do we take the omniscient look and hash it out in great detail or do we limit it to experience the spotty details alongside the character? Neither one is king when it comes to depth. From any perspective, we can get uncomfortably close or coldly analytical.

There are a lot of aspects to me, for one, that people try to explain. It's especially trendy these days to assume to speak for others, even when the subject is more than capable. I suppose you could narrow down my attitudes to trauma, whether it be my sexuality, my draw towards art and writing, my lifestyle. You could correlate things simply, but there's more to that history than I will ever feel comfortable writing or explaining, especially when it pertains to the 'stressors' outside of myself, the people that did and still can terrorize me if I step over the line. I will not give them that piece of fame, to ride on whatever failures or successes I have in my life with association. If you have bogeymen in your life, give them to your fictions. A memoir is the thing to write if you outlive them all.

That being said, there are 'other' things. Things I stopped trying to understand, things I use and learn to master as much as possible and I don't aim to be mysterious with those so I'll describe this the best I can without using labels that might give you false impressions.

I've struggled with neuropathic issues from a very early age. For no apparent reason or stressor, I've temporary lost my sight or hearing or sense of touch, or had them 'heightened' to unbearable and painful levels. No amount of searching ever gave me answers and in most cases, I was too afraid to tell. I had some wonderful teachers along the way that saw me melting down in my confusion and helped me, no questions, no words. Sometimes it was just a space to cry in their office, sometimes it was me interrupting to go to the bathroom. The counselor, for some reason, really liked me, even gave me her home phone number and told me to call if I needed it, made sure all my teachers knew that I could leave class any time I needed to (on days I bothered to show up, I didn't leave class at all-- kind of an all-or-nothing when it comes to showing up). It's not that these people thought I was suicidal, but looking back, I think they knew my 'other' better than books or doctors had any grasp of back then. They also saw my potential. Another thing I couldn't see without hindsight, but learned to trust some people when they said good things about me.

Because I don't see what's in front of me or, rather, rarely do. I see things more clearly looking back, sometimes beating myself up for how stupid or ineffective I was in the moment. I became adept at trying to recreate the person I wanted to be, to try to learn to be a person that can see the moment or even a little ahead, learn to anticipate the world around me. Somewhere in the invention of myself, I became a storyteller. I never saw a place for THAT (I never could get the taste for lying) in my life, but there was a pocket I'd stumbled on where worlds did wait. Despite all the characters and events happening over 'there', it could still be a lonely place, not a place of inside jokes and the things I could talk about with others who weren't familiar. So I wanted to find ways to show people. I was already building those places, learning to express through art and writing what I struggled to say.

An honest place, one I have trouble lying about too. It's not a place that can actually speak for my desires, doubts or fears, just a gathering ground from my journey in this world. And I don't have these fascinating stories of world travel, but I can simulate it through the means that I have. It's maddening, a bloom of chaos and beauty. It can be safe and warm or frigid and frightening. It affects moods that people can't see the reason for, and sometimes I don't even know why I feel or act the way I do. It can be a real bastard trying to recreate it for the sharing. Yeah, sometimes I thought about giving up because creation and using it to funnel what I don't really understand is never a safe place. It's erratic and it's not structured. Because of that, writing...

Writing holds structure or none at all. The only demand is what you intend for it. I wrote stories for school, but then I wrote stories in school when I was supposed to be doing something else. Just little stories. 'Born to Play Video Games' and 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Kitties'... (I loved the Turtles, but the idea of drawing humanoid cats was just so appealing.) I wrote poems when I fell in love with rhythm and rhyme. It was music and color in words alone. Alongside this passion, always came the impulse and whimsy of 'doodling'. I love that word too, doodling. So often it was said to me in an attempt to belittle it or guilt me for wasting time, but doodling and noodling about-- those things brought me closer to a feeling of rightness. Doodling has brought me closer to some of the most amazing people in my life-- my best friends, family, and my friend's children especially. No matter how much adulting pressures my drawing to be 'more', kids always give me this surreal sense of expertise I forget to see sometimes. They're not comparing me to 'masters' or ticking off all they've liked better; they're capable of just loving it for what it is. (Not unique to kids, by the way-- my best friends always seem to lift me up like this too. Also people who are terrible at lying, but are also likely to clam up if they don't want to hurt my feelings either.)

It's hard to say whether I can make my characters and worlds resonate the same way they do with me. I'm not someone who can see the hook, the blurb, the simplification of the big picture. My love affair with writing and creating is selfish but it wants to be generous. It can feel superficial, it can feel overly deep. Courageous and cowardly. I can't lie, but sometimes I can omit or gloss over, defense mechanisms for survival and a habit I try to break.

I write because... it's too big to contain. Because otherwise it can leak out where I don't want it to. Just like my neuropathic struggles, it's not about the cure, but working with the intuitive treatment of it. Writing is often a sensitive organism, sometimes needing compassion, sometimes needing tough love. Raising kids-- much the same. You treat every kid the same and they lose sight of what could motivate them to improve or change. I don't discipline my nephews the same, nor reward them the same and when they notice this, I explain the circumstances, let them see the logic (the punishment fits the crime and so on). Almost always, a punishment or a reward merits a discussion, but there is also a lot of time for play, contemplation, or things being what they will be. I never wanted to be a parent, but like most labels, it's not important. These little guys grew on me and the one thing I want to give them are tools to maneuver through an unfair, unsympathetic, confusing world.

I write because it's not an exaggeration to say they saved me. I call them my little heroes. I knew it would never be fair for a human being to inherit my issues, but I did need 'new life' to remind me of the one the world tried to beat out of me. I did find myself and it wasn't just through me. It was all the things they helped me see-- family/friends, writing, drawing, music. I didn't need to 'have kids' to learn to look ahead. I just needed to open myself to the 'other' things.

Thinking Outside Your Genre

As of lately, I know my mind being in my work has led largely to talking around it but I'm sure for my writer friends, this is a place where we grab the sails and ride the wind for all its transient and precious value.

However, I have to say it's the work of others that I also feel compelled to account for these moments. Once more, a very valuable relationship I have with another writer plopped a second go at reading a screenplay I'm always excited to see the evolution of and it really propelled me into my current edit with renewed buoyancy. Antonio Maccagnan-- I need you all to remember this name because his work has the sort of depth, humor, emotional depth and versatility that even this crazy world can't ignore. I find his style and enthusiasm to be really instrumental into the courage and confidence that feeds my own work.

It can be really difficult to find a truly sincere camaraderie among other writers and if I can give you more valuable advice from this, it's to look outside of your usual genre for those connections. Or in this case, it's not always a deliberate action you take. When I received a private message asking me to take a look at his work, it was through a FaceBook group that I had joined only hours before and one I hadn't yet even posted in. Perhaps because it was a personal request rather than a general post, it appealed to my curiosity. Yet another takeaway for you-- just like agents aren't fond of being a CC in an email for general queries, your best beta readers are probably going to be the ones you seek out with individual consideration.

For one, there is no immediate feeling of safety or even competition in the mix. When you're not looking for 'experts' in your genre, you're getting truly fresh eyes. They are often still adept as writers with a similar passion for story-telling but they have completely different angles and approaches that can really enhance what you bring to your genre. Rather than looking for new ideas (difficult to near-impossible), you find a new way to tackle themes that can add depth to your piece that falls well outside trend and predictability. Ideas are wonderful to have, but you're going to find your voice is lent more to how you set the stage, the play of dialogue-- all things that aren't locked in the safety of your usual genre.

When you're not looking for someone to echo your thoughts, you even find very valuable exchanges in the disagreements. I don't always feel immediately comfortable offering what I would have done differently, but when you can build that level of rapport where your opinions hold more weight, then it becomes an experience outside of technicality, editing, a true exchange of knowledge leading to insight into your work that is often overlooked by a casual observer.

That being said, I do hope to be able to do some active searching for what my friends are doing this year. If you're one of these friends that I've expressed an interest in your work then haven't said much since, it wasn't just empty flattery. I know that's a thing for some people, but I don't do it. Truly, I have been immersed in my work and my intent to seek out your work is still in my radar. Right now, it's come down to the ones that seek me out and ask my opinion on something specific. Because my focus is very singular, the ones that give me 'homework' and a clear aim are something I find time for first and foremost. Nope, you don't have to beg or get too formal with me, just hit my inbox or comments and if I can fit it in, done and done. It's always an honor when a friend finds my input valuable.

I never want to give the impression that it's easy to build those relationships and for some of us, reaching out is a paralytic thought. If you're not the active seeker then be the one who offers an open door. Gently remind people you want to hear their 'pitch' and work out what you have time for. Gathering valuable relationships isn't scything fields of wheat, it's more like panning for gold. Find peace in the process rather than developing anxiety when things just aren't panning out. Sometimes you have to let go of active searching, switching into a more passive state so you can continue developing the work you want people to look at. If you're frustrated by time spent fruitless, stagnant on a stubborn path of unmet expectations, give it a passive assignment so you can give the active time to your work.

You'll fall into old traps of unproductive states from time to time, but I hope this can serve as a reminder that you're not quitting when you change priorities. You're placing value on your progress, prioritizing the work. Don't cling to what you think should be a bestseller and ignore the potential to expand your future work now. Many writers hustle to put out work consistently for many years before they find an audience. It's not because their work isn't good or they're doing anything wrong. Many of them met up with the harsh realities of obscurity but kept building their vision. Visibility isn't all advertisements, spam posting, and waving your arms around. It's often about standing your ground, moving just enough to make sure the strongest parts are always under your feet.

Okay, sometimes it's flailing...

Like wacky waving inflatable tube man, it can be a little dizzying, but don't forget that there is no lack of direction (and redirection) to keep up the momentum of inspiration and action.

You, too, can do this! And for the low, low price of free (+labor, materials, time, and putting up with your muse), you will rock! You signed up for this so take it for all it's worth. 

On a side note...

I know some writers get discouraged that most, if not all, of your friends and family are not fans of your work. Do remember that this is very typical and is not an indication of your talent or their love/support. I'm fully aware that sometimes family isn't a guaranteed source of love and support. For years, my aspirations were largely scoffed at and I can even admit it was rightly so. I kept notebooks, sketchbooks, never really focusing on anything, never having a complete show for the discipline of what I was doing. People will think you're not serious-- until you publish a book or two or ten, until they start seeing people commenting about your work on social media. Sometimes it takes a lot of visible little victories to start recruiting some of your closest friends. Sometimes the reason for this isn't awful-- many people closest to you are hesitant to enable you to flounder on your potential. They want to see you reaching beyond their safety to reach others. 

Yes-- some of those toxic people won't ever come around, won't ever knock on your door unless you're wildly famous or are even eager to see you fail because they are afraid you'll prove them wrong. I can also tell you that these people are both very few and will also crowd your view of what is actual and what matters. Toxic people are often like ink on your windshield, keeping you from seeing the cheering fans or even the sunlight. They are not the sum of all that's out there. If someone you respect and love isn't coming around, it may be time to take inventory of what you are putting out there. I've found that most of those people aren't hard to win over. The time it takes to accomplish something big is not the correct value to place on their approval either. When you want that journey for yourself, it isn't reasonable to place all of that weight, all of that struggle as what it took to win someone. That kind of assessment will only feed the bitter, resentful troll in your own head. Rather, understand that they might have already known you had it in you but didn't want to lay the weight of that on you to add to your failure if you couldn't come through.

I know the people that didn't ride my ass, either in opposition or support, when I struggled to perform weren't cruel. They were cautious of how vulnerable that process was for me and even trusted me to find my way. I can appreciate that no one tried to hold my hand because I needed both of them to type (and even when I draw, the non-dominant hand was useful for the hotkeys on my tablet). What speaks volumes is that their silence turned into words of pride for me, buying my books and even calling me an 'author' in conversation. Or like my bestie Emily says, a 'sensei'.

All in all, your passion-people are out there and they're probably not going to be who you expect them to be. The work is what will draw them, for better or worse, so don't apologize for the time and energy you need to spend to make that happen. Let your family and friends take on their important role as is and don't expect them to take on the fan role. More often than not, they'll have the important role of helping you through the ups and downs so you're not blowing off steam everywhere else and turning people off of your work. Their impartiality can be important in reminding you that you're still valuable outside of your work, that indeed you are still a pretty amazing person regardless.