Most people know that one of my favorite sayings is "The road to hell is paved with good intentions." Good intentions were especially damning for me since I grew up with a very naive, honest and curious nature, one that needed a lot of tempering to keep people from taking advantage. It's not perfect, of course. Most people who try to manipulate or talk down to me, though, exhaust me into retreating. It's rarely turned into a need for confrontation. Fortunately, as an adult, sticking to my guns has managed to get a lot of people off of my back. I understand what it's like to be young and discouraged by those well-meaning people who think they can tell you how to live a good life and imply that your choices are all flawed.
Unfortunately, even the most critical, cunning and practical people can fall prey to the social structures that condition us to trust family or even those who claim to love us most. There are just some people so disturbingly versed in gas lighting, manipulation, and guilt trips, that the abuse eventually digs deep. However, some of us also learn the hard truths of why unconditional love is dangerous. The concept itself relies on putting your happiness in someone else's hands. We're sometimes taught that it's virtuous and not to question that purity. It only reveals how broken we are, right? Yet, being a good and useful person is not about constant sacrifice from yourself to build up someone who practices the same selfishness that they scold you for. Being a good and useful person is a definition you come by through introspection, the individual self, and mostly because this is the person you have to face when all of the well-meaning ones have left you with the pieces.
I've spoken of the intricacies of morals before but it embodies the same idea here. In fantasy and reality alike, you see many well-meaning people who are the villains. Sometimes they have intelligent ideas or at least lofty ones, but ultimately the damage they do to others far outweighs any claim as to their own virtue. People who seek to make you out to be the villain are often just willing to completely overlook your good qualities and contributions in favor of their own narrative. Is it really a good idea to entrust your own opinions of yourself and your world to such fragile whims?
On a personal level, I often run into people who assume a lot about me based on very little. On a good and evil scale, I'm admittedly pretty balanced. I can admit where my choices were not my best (okay, pretty shitty and usually due to impulse or haste) and where they did a lot of good. People will even weigh the same action, but cast a different light on it depending on their mood. Good mood? I'm taking care of my family. Bad mood? I'm taking advantage. They aren't wrong. Advantage is taken, but let's be clear-- that is mutual. I am taken advantage of as well, but that is the way of compromise. That neither actual party is bitter or abused by the circumstances ultimately means that the outside observer is stirring shit into a perfectly ordinary stew.
There are many scales that you shouldn't ignore in favor of the others either. There is a scale for how you treat yourself. There is a scale for everyone else. Now, the many scales can get pretty complex once you start realizing that you weigh some things together that should also be weighed separately to remove certain biases, but... you must also protect certain biases. (Why do we protect them? Because biases are where we draw caution from the damage of our own experiences. They should always be weighed but with a grain of salt, not as the main measure.)
The problem with good intentions is that they measure only how someone, often temporarily, feels or thinks. Without knowledge of your experience or mental fortitude, they make dangerous assumptions about your happiness that could in turn make those who care about you miserable. However, if your misery comes back on them, it's just as likely that they will find some fault in you rather than their own bad advice. You must not have done it right or you didn't want it enough. Be wary of those who are quick to blame you this way. For that matter...
This is why it's my personal policy to make decisions where I have no one to blame but myself. I refuse to burden someone with the results of their own bad advice. They can go ahead and wonder, or even be sure that my life would be better if I had listened, but I will continue to be accountable for choices I make. If their advice aligns with my plans, I'll gladly tell them I was thinking the same and if they add any insight, I'll thank them for that. However, pushy advice that shows no understanding or consideration for my ideals is often politely rebutted. "I appreciate the concern but I will do what I think is best for me." It's not my problem if they feel this reply is selfish. Knowing from experience that self-care is best for my loved ones as well, I don't take it to heart when I'm accused of being cold. It's a shame only because they don't know how warm and kind I really am to those who don't back me into a corner. For the people I need to be strong for (myself included), I come through. It is not my responsibility, nor is it yours, to be universally compassionate at the expense of your own community. If you are in a position to be more broadly compassionate, by all means, take it. However, another favorite proverb of mine is "beware the naked man who offers you a shirt." Those who give up what they need themselves often expect you to do the same with whatever they desire... and you might not be able to easily part with.
No one knows what is best for you, and part of wisdom is admitting that you don't always know either. However, sometimes you just have to go with your gut. I've had a lot of experience with people that will look at a blue sky and try to tell you it's pink. And no, not because they're colorblind but because they want you to doubt what your reality is. It's not always well-meaning but it doesn't have to cripple you either. I've learned a lot through abuse and while I'd never thank the abusers, I'm certainly grateful that I could turn shit to gold. I like to think, in some way, that surviving my experiences might prevent a suicide, even save someone who will go on to do amazing things. I'm a fan of blind charity, where I don't need affirmation of the good I do-- just the possibility that my efforts may pay off somewhere.
It's okay if people walk away when you hold your ground. They're doing what they think is best for them. Don't let those people cast doubt on you or make you bitter. There will be other opportunities to meet the right supportive people when there's not a hanging crowd of negatives blocking them out. This is why I have a hard time truly believing people are good or bad as well. People can be good or bad for you, and it's even possible that they can be good or bad for mostly everyone, yet it still is essentially an observation. Either way, sticking around on the belief that you can make them 'better' on virtue of your own understanding... it doesn't happen outside of fiction and even that sort of fiction normally falls flat. Let people go who stray too far from where you're going. You're going to have single friends that don't want to be friends with a mom. There's nothing wrong with them or you-- what's worse is developing the attitude that you're the better person on either side of that fence.
Once more, it goes back to you doing you. By virtue of action, you can be the sort of person that balances out those scales. You can be the person you need to be for you and your loved ones and beyond that. However, you, your loved ones, and the world will not be unconditionally your ally. Get out of your own way sometimes. Sit this one out when you need to. There will be times when you need someone and times where you really just need to learn how to be with yourself.
Try to become an expert on you. That doesn't mean you can't enjoy taking compliments or even hearing out bad advice. I've often let people talk when I notice it's less about me and more about the regrets for choices they've made. Sometimes, my dad gets frustrated with something in his life and tries to make it about me, but these are always the times when I take a deep breath and remind him that whatever is bothering him, it sounds like he could use an ally more than another person angry at him. If he wants to vent, I'm all ears, but--don't be someone's doormat, punching bag, scapegoat. Ever. Especially not if you love that person. The best thing you can do sometimes is walk away. Sometimes just for a few minutes. It doesn't always have to be out of their life. However, if that's what it takes to heal, take those steps.
I wouldn't talk to my mom for three years after a lifetime of letting her hurt me. In those three years, we missed each other. She thought about why I was hurt and when I finally decided I could voice those grievances, we found a relationship of trust and honesty and respect. If I had stayed, she might never have regretted what she'd done because my presence would have always falsely reassured her that it was okay.
You can't take any of my experiences and expect the same results, but at the same time, you might find a new way to see how it works in your life. That's what truly matters. Should I say it again?
You, and only you, know what's best for you.
