I'm Not My Number One Fan...

And, bear with me, you aren't really your best fan either. Maybe in terms of who gets sleepless with excitement as your work unfolds, who actually puts pen to paper (figuratively since most of us type these days)-- sure, you can be the ultimate first adopter. However, I'm exploring a new way to look at it, a sort of level-up for the long haul.

First off, my number one is an honor I want to let my readers believe they enjoy. They aren't necessarily, but very well could be, the actual first to buy and devour my work, eager for more, but it's my hope they both believe they're worthy of the spot and are just as eager to share that spot. I'm not writing solely to drive my ego so, while I'm driving the vehicle, fan input and even personal ranking is not something I feel is imminent domain.

Leading to my second point, I am the driver of my destiny, so I wear enough hats. How many hats is enough and why not wear them all? It's not a certain number, just a feeling. I wear similar hats to that of the fan, but when I can't be the most enthusiastic fan, I have to be able to choose the right hat for the job. Fans, no matter the lengths they'll go to paint their naked bodies in arctic weather, are still meant to be passive observers. Fans, you are candles in the night, both ritual and beacon in so many ways, but when I suit up to be a writer, the role of fan is too passive (as it should be) to affect the actual act of working? You can wear the same stinky socks for a week in the name of luck and less laundry, but it is still my job to move the words. So too will I look to you for inspiration at times when I struggle to find my stories.

Third, it's just not a good idea to share hats. Actual concerns about head lice not being the factor here, there's too much of an elitist thread in posing myself at the top of a hierarchy I made in the first place. I don't need first chair, first place, first comment, to secure my presence. It would be really fucking weird if I didn't have enthusiasm for my work anyway. Needing to lead my own fan pack is not a vote of confidence so much as a desperate plea. Certainly, I would be honored to be asked to give my blessing to make a fan club for my work official, but that opportunity is lost if I take the reins on that aspect of it as well. So in some ways, being stingy and selective with my hat collection as a budding writer is important to building some opportunities of higher value overall. Again, giving room for fans to build from their own experiences affords them an angle wasted on me.

Semantically, of course a writer still has to be their number one fan. Yet there are days I just don't like myself much where I still need to grab a hat and get to work. Some parts of writing aren't about passion. While fans assign themselves different responsibilities as well, from passion to precision, I still remind myself that I can't take on a passive role.

To embrace a cliche, these books won't write themselves. In that case, my writerly hats take precedence over that sentiment. Hey, number two ain't so bad, right? It's still the shiiiiiit...

The Way You See the World

There are some parts of self-discovery combined with studies where the knee-jerk reaction is resentment, defiance. Studies, no matter how extensive, are always isolated to their unique circumstances, yet some are immediately observable without confirmation. The 'why' of these conclusions is by far the most fascinating so, no matter how you feel, trudging on to look at where you land is how you'll make firmer assessments of yourself.

In case that's too vague, look at it this way. You read a study that says most people that aren't you are better at what you love to do (men have better visual attention to detail and reaction time). The knee-jerk reaction is that men would be better artists and gamers. However, when you actually read it rather than decide the world hates women, you see that we're talking micro-measurements in depth and reaction time. Do these studies account for the competitive nature of the subject? Do they look for the lifestyle or career choices that would put someone at a practiced advantage rather than natural? These are questions that may skew the results. Societally, some traits are simply hidden when undervalued in their communities. Men are less likely to admit they kick ass at crochet. People in poor neighborhoods are less likely to be praised for being good at chess. Not to mention, a competitive nature could be more distraction than a boost to focus in some cases. This is why it's important to look at how thoroughly these studies really dig.

However, in my case, I already knew my disadvantages. Doesn't mean I didn't experience the defensive rise of objection, but it's not a rarity. There are some people that can't see 3D effects in 2D formats. Having eyes with two different vision levels is one such reason but there are other brain and sight impairments that factor in. In my case, the world isn't really 3D to me. 

It's not a disadvantage, not really. I've always had an easier time of drawing because the world is shapes and shadows and lights but if I catch something or don't flinch, it's more luck than skill. 3D animation looks different to me because I see the more sophisticated color palettes, effects such as ray tracing which capture the movement of light on simulated objects nearly perfectly flat as opposed to struggling to translate them as such. However, a lot that moves is also lost on me. I miss a lot of what people call badly done effects in movies. Call it a choppy mental frame rate, but I knew 3D modeling would be a colossal challenge for me because I would have to micro adjust like crazy every time I moved the sculpted model.

That's not to say I could never enjoy sculpting or modeling. It mostly means that my standards and perceptions wouldn't hold up to elitism. As with most creative pursuits though, it's still blissfully (and woefully) subjective and you're often either a hack or a genius as fast as the critic blinks. Not seeing as 'masters' do doesn't necessarily put you at a disadvantage. A different perspective can mean a different workflow. You can make amazing music when deaf because of studies in music theory. A missing element also means removing it as a distraction. If everyone who is considered a master has a common workflow, that doesn't mean there aren't pioneers ready to crash through the walls and rethink how it's done. We're often seen as collateral damage at first, but if we stick with it, amazing things can happen.

Over time, my worst self-criticisms just don't keep me down very long. Being the exception to what is considered the rule can be isolating, a source of pride, insulting, motivating... maybe it's old school, but the way I grew up, it was always in noticing gendered differences, both biologically and societally, that I found the most comparisons. Things like racial/cultural behaviors are social and learned. You start to see that general perceptions are the crutch of invention.

Some people stumble on this one. Biologically, race is real. Forensic anthropologists can tell your race and gender with skeletal remains alone. Artists can regale you on the finer points of anatomical structure. It's not just a skin color. Living in different climates and altitudes and so on, have shaped us. Gravity and habits shape us. Whether you like it or not, the Y chromosome tends to produce those long eyelashes women want and male pattern baldness is inherited through the maternal genetics. Nowadays, even racially isolated areas carry migrants of other races and tourists will always be our best economic boosters. Isolation makes cultures stagnant yet people still develop tribal mentalities.

That being said, it's still possible that we acclimate our views not solely on accurate perception but rather by the things that leave the biggest impression on each of us. In an area where mostly Japanese people live, you're not likely to noticed there are Chinese, Vietnamese, etc. there as well. But if an Asian person is the only one of their ethnicity that walks in, you're likely to mentally attempt to discern which regional Asian features they most resemble. Our brain does tend to blend like objects into patterns to locate exceptions. It's true enough that with ethnicities outside our own, all of another actually does look alike unless we are making a concentrated effort to override that primal adaptation.

Brains by default are ignorant, but that's not a dirty word. There are some things that we can reprogram if we find it worth the effort. You could parse those priorities into ethical, moral, etc. standards, but as an individual, this is your call. See the world, experience the world how you will. Choosing a livelihood counter to your ability may be fruitless or very near to impossible but I think we all know to some extent why it might be worth pursuing against the odds.

Somewhere out there, I see someone who probably has the same if not similar issue that I had to come by the hard way. I wonder, if we can remove those obstacles, let someone else skip some steps, could we offer others a chance to realize more in their lifetime? At the same time, there is just no way to really understand some lessons until you've lived them in your own body.