I Think I’m Ready Now…

 I didn’t want to get into the habit of droning on and on about the ups and downs of recovery; I’ve fallen into redundancy with blogging in the past and it’s something I’ve wanted to avoid repeating. But it hasn’t been easy.

I’ve gone from energizing highs to aggravating lows. One thing that has made the past month harder than usual is that my ADHD meds have hit a desert. But I’ve also been better off without stimulants, my heart rate and sleep and hormones better so I’m thinking I need to address trying a non-stimulant med. My focus has been absolutely shot and my frustration with fighting impulses and sudden memory loss are still too much to manage well on my own.

But it’s my weight that is bugging me the most. I’ve lost some inflammation for certain but I can’t quite deal with how alien I look to myself. When you spent most of your life being fit and normal weight, being overweight is disjointed and obesity is horrifying. I can’t move the way I want to and I can never summon enough energy I need creatively. I NEED to lose weight to meet the goals that actually matter to me. If it were just being fat, fuck it, let it be. My blood and other tests have been stellar, but it’s the feeling of being trapped in a body that isn’t working the way I demand from it that can’t continue.

I was going to just chill through until the New Year, but now I want to start the day after Christmas. I’m not planning anything for the new year so I’m going to go ahead and start bringing on the pain of change. I can’t be content in this body so alien to me and now that the tumor is gone and the large incision fully fused, I want to get going. I set a workout schedule, conservative because I did this before and learned what not to do if I found myself a square one again, and I’m going to go for it once family time is well-spent.

I do feel more myself but this body is something I can’t be content with. I have to work harder to repair the damage done. My surgeon gave me this golden chance to fight my way out and it’s too good to waste. It’s truly time to fight to win myself back. To feel strong and confident and eccentric and bubbly again. I have a lot of bad-ass ideas yet to set loose in the world and a life to live to the fullest. It’s the only one again and my little speck of existence. I want to treasure every moment but it will always fall short unless I care for the shell I’m in. I want to feel bold and beautiful and match the energy of my mind and spirit again.

I’ll get there but I have to be ready to hurt and fight through the trials. And things in this world sure love to try me so I should be at my best to give it right back.

Nothing Special?

 I don’t have anything particular in mind but I definitely have some life changes worth noting.

On the positive side, my weight is coming down on its own, I’m able to do a full range of lifting and bending and stretching. I’m not constantly dealing with aches and pains. The pressure that was concerning in my left eye is normal again. I’m able to get more exercise by the day. Been keeping up with crafts and crochet but some of it is gifts I don’t want to spoil by posting where it can be found, so a lot will come up after the holidays.

Negatives: still have the eye floater and now astigmatism in the left eye, near sighted in the right. I’ll need progressive lenses to see better. No idea what to do about the floater but my insurance probably doesn’t cover it. The toe I had injected last year is starting to ache again; may need an alcohol injection to kill the nerve. Perimenopause is a bitch so insomnia and hot flashes seem to be an annoyance some nights. My diastolic BP is higher than my doctor likes but I’m very much going to attempt to make changes and fix that. My BP has been higher since the ovary problem came to a climax and I expected it may take time for it to come down so I’m not worried about it at the moment. I’m not experiencing the concerns that come with BP problems like shortness of breath or racing heart rate.

I’m still working on projects that help me balance creativity and stamina. Although I’d love to go back to writing my books, getting those big ideas swirling around onto the page, it’s difficult to concentrate on using a computer much right now and the eye floater is behind this. I’m still hoping it’s temporary or I’ll have to find some way to afford getting it zapped or drained. I do have plenty that needs to get done where it won’t be an annoyance so I’m going to continue working on my health and hoping some of these negatives can be shed with this newfound ability to use my body. Before, I felt like a voodoo doll, just stuck from every direction so there was no ‘do this to fix that’; I was restricted so bad that normal rules didn’t apply. I was gaining weight not eating for 5 days, unable to bend or do anything without pain that didn’t match the actions.

And now I’m starting to recognize my own body again. When I get signals, they mean something and I can fix the problem and feel better. I ended up isolated because no one could help me and people felt helpless. They couldn’t feel my pain and doctors couldn’t help me validate it because they weren’t taking the effort to look. Cycles of futility that made me fade into depression and anxiety, unable to enjoy anything, hanging on by a thread by hoarding projects I couldn’t start. I felt like I was twice my age and ready to be done with all of it. I was a wraith, a husk of a person. The return to finding myself has been exhilarating and fun. I feel the bubbliness and electric wit coming back more naturally, not pushing through a dense mask of desperation.

I can’t wait to show all the bits and pieces of these projects! I can’t wait to find more ways to advocate for women’s medicine and ADHD and hope. Whether I’m just helping one person or many get a boost, it’s truly what makes me me. I’m always learning how to hear others without losing myself, that sacrifice cannot be something that always drains you, that it must feed you to be your best self in some way. I anticipate, for once, a really optimistic year and truly hope for things to keep trending towards good fortune. 

Writing to My Past Self

 This is an exercise in reflection that we sometimes stumble on at some point in life and one I wanted to put out there. What would you say to your past self if you had the chance to save yourself regrets later? 

Dear Krista,

Throughout life, we’ll often be convinced that there are ways to do things that are best for everyone; ignoring them and going with your gut will be the thing that saves you.

I’m not writing to tell you my regrets or to change anything. No matter how tempting it is to think about going back to fix things, keep this in mind. I like who I am now. I’ve become a creative powerhouse and the friends I have are ones I never have to worry will hurt me. I overcame being sick and misdiagnosed and realized that changing anything could take away from what formed me. There was never any time wasted; not on being sick, or toxic people, or being unable to pursue things and just daydreaming of better things. 

One important thing I can give you is this and deep down you always knew; you can’t go back and change what you regret, but if you learn to love yourself, then all of it was just a journey to who you are. Don’t worry about not liking things about who you become and start preparing yourself for amazing others and even yourself.

Just don’t forget to listen to yourself. 

Love,

Future Krista

P.S. I’m still thinking about the line of dolls you came up with. That’s a good one…

Random Life Updates!

 I actually had a few things on my mind so I couldn’t make a less vague header if I tried but the random doesn’t have a tie-in theme at all…

First up, been crushing Baldur’s Gate 3 since the PS5 early release on September 2nd and it’s been quite some time since I’ve been excited to play a game like this. I didn’t really know what to expect but it has all of the elements of some of my favorite games to grind; the story-shattering consequences of choices you make like Witcher 3, the alchemy and book hoarding of Skyrim (different but reminiscent), the fluent fantasy feel of Dragon Age (the romances, whimsy and sometimes deep darkness; there’s a lot of dabbling BG3 does to remind me of DA throughout) and the turn-based strategy of the pixel graphics days but without the grid based movement, it makes battles feel much more fluid. My main gripes in the battle system are that there are some awkward pauses that feel like it might be frozen, some difficult choosing the topography when moving a character under or on top of an area (I feel there should be a dedicated button or if there is and I’m dumb, it should have appeared in the tutorial tips that I turned on for that reason), and it’s a little too easy to fire at nothing and waste an action when you thought you were in Move mode. There should be a sort of smart mode where it disables actions when targeting a space where it’s pointless to use it. Of course, you should always be able to toggle an action and shoot at nothing if you really want to, but let’s have interfaces that by default do not assume this. Brings to mind Assassin’s Creed where you’re trying to climb buildings and you’re pretty certain you’re angling towards the next jump and grab point when your assassin instead pulls a ‘goodbye cruel world’ jump to his death. In a game like BG3, even on explorer difficulty, a wasted action can be life and death when you’re up again a boss that can waste 2 out of 4 characters in a single turn. Which also is usually a quick end because you’ll waste actions reviving but not full healing them and not actually getting to hit the boss much while scrambling to keep reviving them. But there are some mechanics that, while frustrating, also keep things interesting. If you don’t revive a downed character, they become actual dead. You’ll need to revive them with a res(surection) spell, Revivify scroll or hopefully you got Withers in the ruins near where you begin after the alien ship crashes (you’ll need to get past the sarcophagus and trigger a fight; he’s in the sarcophagus in the room that triggers an undead battle when you find it). I love that you can massively destroy chances to recruit some characters or have to to get other characters to join. It makes characters feel dimensional because, let’s face it, we all have friends we can’t get to like each other and some that just seem to hate each other but can’t help but admire each other once clashing shows they have more in common than they thought. Gale’s a troublemaker and I’ve been keeping him confined to camp after he murdered my whole party with his stinky aura but at the same time, I want to get back to him on another play through. Incidentally while trying to play the good guy, I murdered most of the Emerald Grove people and while I quit that file in a huff of disappointment, I now want to go back to it and use the opportunity to recruit Minthara, since I’ve made my good girl unintentionally evil when I managed to accidentally steal in front of Kagha’s posse and trigger a massacre. This is also where I learned to quick save obsessively before each and every interaction and entry into areas because my impulses prove that good intentions are indeed not always intended and impulses can spell disaster (as well as the crushing realization that your last save was too far back for your liking).

But I didn’t intend this to be a BG3 review or I’d have said as much so I’ll leave it at that and move along.

I keep injuring my damn thumbs trying to craft and get my life together after surgery but I have thumb braces to put on for the worst of it. I stopped taking a multivitamin for women because I don’t need as much iron now that I’m not bleeding. However, I’ve been wiped out since, energy just gone, so I ordered a senior multivitamin with high B12 so I can get energy and immune and brain levels back up again. You never realize how well things were working until you stop.

Which kind of puts exercising on the back burner because my attempts at cleaning house have tired me way faster than usual so it’s pretty obvious I’m not going to do well with anything else. I woke up exhausted today and after attempting to clean and getting further wiped out, I downed my nighttime allergy pills and magnesium and hoping I’ll just fall back asleep in the next couple of hours. Sleep has been garbage since I quit the multivitamin too. I need to not do that again.

I’ll eventually get back to writing and doing more but already I’ve been doing much more than the years before, so I’m not keen on going into overdrive just to do EVERYTHING again. I don’t need to do everything; I just need to keep doing what’s doable and hoping that includes things that I had to leave half-finished. I do still like to adopt new things; we can’t adhere to old plans only when they constraint us far from the impulse of inspiration. Always leave room for those.

Craft Updates!

 Don’t worry, all, no TMI content on this one so let out that pent-up breath! This time around I’m just going to put some plans out there for the months ahead. Ideally, I’m looking to nail down all of this in the summer, maybe fall if needed, although some projects are sort of stretchy and are intended to be added to selectively, but I’ll clarify that shortly. This week, I visited my sister in Cincinnati and we saw the new Ninja Turtle movie during the early release showing and got some cool swag, ate at Lake Nina (pronounced like NINE-uh; that famous fish log though, yum!) and did the Penguin Encounter at Newport Aquarium. My first outing since surgery so it was exhausting but fun! I’m relaxing now that I’m back home, but I do have a few things planned to fill quite a bit of time.

On the graphic design side of things, I’ll be finishing up a pop-up card design to publish on Cricut Access and doing some photo editing for a picture my sister wants to get blow up. Craft-wise, I am finishing a house-warming present for my friends Erika and Phil for their new house and I have a few crochet plushie ideas to explore. I also have three small wooden coffin candy boxes that I am going to turn into Halloween style mini dioramas, which may take some time to work out, and a cat café diorama idea using my Obitsu11 dolls and Miniverse DIY parts. I will also be adding a few custom dolls, furniture and decor and walls, doors, signs, etc so this is one I wish to build on meaningfully rather than rush to throw together. Some bits will be built if I can’t find what I want pre-built or in kits. I don’t intend to rush this one.

But those are my priority projects. I do also hope to finish some lingering doll projects that got left behind prior to my health issues and get back to writing and drawing, but many of those were abandoned because they require a stamina and momentum that will take some time to rebuild. Living with that tumor inside of me caused years of damage, mentally and physically, and I will need persistence and patience to rebuild my health. I won’t make the same mistakes of the past where diet/exercise and creativity can’t coexist due to obsession with one or the other. I did build a lot of self-awareness during recovery that I must nurture with vigilance to maintain the balance of both. Working together, I can rebuild those to be a powerhouse again, but it will be challenging and I will experience some frustration and tough decisions. I’ve given the people the impression that my lifestyle is easy and there will be no masking from here on out. Whether or not I am pleasant or not, many people will assume what they want regardless so I find that preparing to be underestimated usually gives me the satisfaction of embracing my own decisions, no approval needed.

But as usual, I will definitely continue on my quest to make women’s health issues more visible and press for them to be taken seriously and treated with urgency and respect. I will explain this as many times as needed that while I will continue calling it ‘women’s health’ because it is a biological branch of medicine, this extends to those that have a uterus that can have these issues and in some cases, even those with estrogen or other biologically feminine-dominating hormonal issues that can relate. Although identity and medical facts are separate issues, they are not exclusive from discussions that can help treat the problems women, trans-women and trans-men may intersect with and share (nor does it mean that problems unique or exclusive to these subgroups is of lesser priority as long as the aim is to increase safe treatment, proper knowledge, and health in all groups included in this under-studied and under-prioritized branch of medicine). We can argue the vocabulary but this is secondary to context and intention; in context of an individual’s case, I do use preferred terms but for the sake of medical clarity, superfluous language unnecessary towards proper treatment can be a hindrance to timely treatment of a suffering patient. I am in a support group that balances the two without issues with hostility for mistakes in preferences and I don’t tolerate trolling accusations of phobia when hostile extremists want to get butthurt over what is generally accepted in spaces where others are free to kindly correct assumptions.

Anyone who knows me knows I am caring and kind but I’m not a pushover for strangers who try to pretend like compassion is a competition. I hate competition so you can have the participation trophy. I just want to fill my life with sharing and inspiration and helping and empowering. Not to lord it over others but because it simply makes me feel good. Selfless and selfish working together is good for accountability. Don’t let anyone tell you they can’t balance well.

I will attempt to keep progress pictures along the way, some I might just hoard and post together in one post or album all at once. I never needed gratification to keep me going along the way. Anything worth doing is its own gratification throughout.

TMI: or For Women Who Want to Know Our Bodies

 A rare thing but I’ll start with an addition to the header and a disclaimer… 

This topic also applies to AFAB (assigned female at birth), basically anyone with a functional vagina and/or sexual drive. This isn’t exclusive to identities, but for the biological health of all. I can’t apply this specifically to trans-males undergoing hormonal treatments to introduce male traits since some parts of this topic cover a spectrum that leans towards estrogen-dominance. Female reproductive organ health is still a field full of unknowns and even speaking with others with female organs and health professionals alike cannot always provide a clear understanding or definite answer and I do my best to sort out if causation = correlation or if women who simply have similar experiences are dominating a conversation and the outliers may be hesitant to play the devil’s advocate or even be able to have visibility in a flood of responses. (I have been thinking of polling some questions and asking the answerers to color code their responses; red for yes, blue for no, or purple for inconclusive/undecided.)

Lengthy addition but the disclaimer will be shorter. This post will include my own experiences with sexual pleasure post-surgery, so some family or friends or sensitive people may not wish to proceed from here. This is your chance to bail so don’t come at me with anger or disgust because curiosity gets the better of you. On the other side, if you’re turned on, feel free to keep that to yourself. I’ll remind you that I am ace and unsolicited sexual advances are not welcome. This is for information purposes for women that have had similar procedures and are worried about how they will function after. Information should not be so difficult to find and the only way to relieve some of the anxiety of the unknown is to know the real-life experiences and possibilities.

As a refresher, I had a right unilateral oophorectomy, bilateral salpingectomy and a Novasure ablation, all things I’ve detailed in previous posts if you’re scrambling to figure out what those are. Plain speak summary is removal of right ovary (ovarian fibroma with presence of cysts), removal of fallopian tubes, and burning away of the uterine lining (radio frequency through a mesh net). These procedures were meant to restore the regular function of the remaining ovary, reduce the chance of menstrual irregularities and make sure the ablation did not cause a condition where the scarring extends into the tubes and causes excessively painful cramping. Because of this, along with the size of the ovary (11x11x4 cm in the final report), this is considered a major abdominal surgery and incurred a lot of uncertainty in the risks involved and the quality of life after.

Before getting into the sexual function category, I’ve mentioned previously some immediate benefits like the absence of bladder urgency, abdominal inflammation reduction and mobility restoration (or I pee normally, my stomach shrank and I can reach my feet again; sorry, but I’m not good with the plain speak but I do try not to exclude anyone. I also like to use my natural intellect and not dumb-down like I’m ashamed. And no, I don’t think those with smaller vocabulary comprehension are stupid or lesser, but I take pride in my self-education and think sharing it honestly is true to myself and gives others an opportunity to hit the books like I did). In any case, I wasn’t certain which benefits were due to surgical ileus (which is where your body limits unnecessary functions to focus on strengthening the immune system and healing process) or sticking around so I was hesitant to celebrate too early; glad for the relief but not unrealistic about them being a cure for chronic issues. I do still have acid reflux issues, bouts of insomnia, a slower healing issue in the largest incision, and a struggle for more than small bursts of vigorous energy. I do need to lose weight but I struggle to be cautious when I truly want to dive into a routine. I have no desire to count calories or restrict my diet but I do make mindful steps with portions and nutrition.

Well, that ought to scare off the thrill-seekers or at least make them work harder to skim for the juicy stuff so let’s get to the sexual function. Prior to surgery, I had issues with bad odor, rashes from pH imbalance, unpredictable and frequent bleeding and absolutely no libido. I’ve disclosed before that I’ve never had a super active libido (I could go months without stimulation/self-pleasure but generally, it was weeks apart) but when I was in the mood, I would have a couple dozen orgasms in about 30 minutes to an hour with the first in under half a minute because I would be fully aroused prior to the urge. I’ve been doing this since my early twenties; clitoral vibrations with a finger inserted to feel the spasms which also heightens the intensity, just feeling your own orgasms. Experiments with fuller penetration and different approaches to different erogenous zones but this was ideal and important in understanding why people might believe women don’t enjoy sex. Some of us just have very specific needs and are best able to fulfill them on our own.

I can’t say I would miss a libido particularly since I never invested my identity into it or consider it time wasted to lose it. For some women, it is important and I did wonder what would change about it. Whether or not it’s important to you, I do think my discoveries might offer insight to recovering women which is my only motivation here.

First off, I no longer have a strong or unpleasant smell so I’m not rushing to clean myself off. I do have limited lubrication but I think this correlates more with perimenopause. This isn’t a huge deal breaker and if you’re not familiar with KY insertables (a smooth gel capsule you insert via applicator like a tampon that restores natural lubrication for 24 hours), this is a super simple solution for that and also managed to dilute strong discharge and tame pH irritation. All things to note. Little to no discharge but little to no irritation. Aloe based creams work for the ‘little’ irritation but if you’re allergic, hydrocortisone will do the job. I actually find orgasms are much easier to reach and I still like the half hour to an hour duration, which means more. Again, because there’s no odor and little discharge, I feel cleaner and more refreshed, not like I’m cleaning up a crime scene. So worries about hormonal changes after major surgery crippling you completely are debunked here. And you’ll find most women do report positives, especially with removal of ovaries and/or uterus or anything other combination that stops periods. Periods and cramping tend to put a damper on, well, everything. I don’t miss the two days every month where I didn’t want to get out of bed, barely slept, and had to lay only on my sides and get up every hour to make sure I didn’t have a crime scene to clean up.

I don’t feel like ‘less of a woman’. If anything, our issues there stem from letting people define what we are. Understanding that my time on this earth is short even when it’s long, defining what fills my life gradually became dependent only on what makes me feel good and whole; helping and inspiring people, showing people a woman is a person capable of self-defining, always following my curiosity and sharing my discoveries to contribute to the efficiency of others passionate about pursuing those interests too.

I do know that once I release my words or art or products into the wild, I sacrifice some control of how they are received or treated but I’m also not responsible for honoring disrespectful, boring or unwanted feedback. Yup, sounds bitchy but only if you were expecting me to roleplay a fantasy I have no interest in. For those who understand or offer clever insight, these principles are mutual and the conversation enlightening and fulfilling.

But anytime I talk about sexuality or function, I have to throw down ground rules because some people try to cross lines of consent anywhere they can. Lay down some traps, scare off or catch the predators then I can get back to focusing on what precious time remains on the priorities I care to contribute to.

Maybe a trauma response, maybe a product of ADHD, I won’t deny those, but it’s my experience that if you’re not direct, if you’re giggly and fun and liberated, some mistake these things for naïveté, an invitation to flirt or a vulnerable target for perverse behavior so I have that knee jerk tendency to fully explain I’m having none of that.

When I do build any informational databases, I will be leaving personal anecdotes out of it but in these alpha stages of gathering info, I’m more forthright with my own experiences, on my own blog, in the interest of making it perfectly acceptable for women to relate personal experiences to others. Guiding a database with my personal experiences only just seems like a suspicious narcissistic display of ego and the searches we go on often have specific personal needs where each person needs to feel like it isn’t biased. Personal experiences are helpful but not for those seeking the most direct medical factual information, whether plainly or in medical terms.

And because I’m rambling a bit on the edge of insomnia, I’ll leave it at that. My intentions are only to provide some relief to suffering women (in all forms and identities but biologically relevant) so I do hope to pick through my own ramblings and assemble them more succinctly into a coherent form in the future. This blog is clearly not for my most organized and flawless epiphanies. Nor should it be! Social media is certainly less coherent but has its uses too. Blogs are for blunders! Just in a more ‘who is reading my diary’ kind of way. 

Everything to Everyone

 I’ve delved into aspects of my identity with vulnerability in the past but what seems to fascinate people the most about some of my lifestyle aspects is the why. It would be easy to dismiss it as being ‘born this way’ and in some ways, it can simply be boiled down to the personality or even how character develops it. It probably seems like I’m purposely choosing controversial and less understood stances (asexual, atheist, etc) but these labels are less a part of my identity and more permission to distribute my priorities differently. 

And yes, I could write a book on asexuality and the implications of mental disorder or trauma, but the same could be applied to most people’s sexual proclivities. Many people just closet the aspects that aren’t socially acceptable and still pursue them but have the nerve to feign the moral high ground. Some might be strongly influenced by trauma but since the spectrum of how a sexual abuse survivor ranges from abstinence to promiscuity, there’s no definitive way to accuse trauma of being behind every ‘alternative’ to the biological drives of procreation. In the same way, childless people can love children and even dedicate their lives to developing and improving the lives of children. And you know I’m going to cite Dolly Parton here as a prime example. There are many reasons why people’s sexuality is considered fluid and we all have motivations that determine its priority, ability to satisfy/pleasure, complete biological imperatives, hold social standing or create a sense of community and survival among others. It’s one of many flags that people can champion you for or hold against you, depending on how they want to justify their feelings towards you, but ultimately, you are the one that has to bear the consequences of those actions.

Talking about choice is iffy territory for preference, if only because some preferences are very much hard-wired while some of us reinforce it as a choice to avoid the social pitfalls and obstacles it presents to other goals we have in life. Ace (asexual for short) is both a constant and a choice because I’ve never been entirely certain. I do feel a little tingly when people are intimate in shows and movies and I have had a fascination with how sex can sometimes give away some pretty telling character traits. Yet I’ve experienced the ‘cold fish’ or detachment sensation when I’ve had people try for intimacy. I learned how to self-pleasure in my twenties and it created an awareness for the freedom of knowing how to rely on myself to maintain my libido and know how to seek what I want… then move on with my life.

I won’t go to TMI with that; I talked about it in great length when I released my first series of books which contains a great deal of bursts of eroticism yet never managed to be the central focus. It is comparable to how I think of these experiences, that asexuality was never meant to be a wall to keep people out or a challenge to be the one to break through. It just defines a lifetime of retrospection and introspection; I didn’t want to depend on anyone, either casually or monogamously, to fulfill this need. I didn’t want it to consume my time or energy or risk my health to pursue a physical connection. I certainly didn’t want an accidental pregnancy or an STI. My priority was to develop as an artist, a crafter, and to make that the hub of my social fulfillment.

And I feel like this needs to be said; too many people make the joke of asexuality on the biological level like there is no other interpretation of those word parts, despite a- meaning ‘without’ and sexuality being the PREFERENCE not the gender. Unless they also think bisexuality means hermaphroditism. And why stop there! Heterosexual would mean you’re the opposite sex of what you are born as (welcome to the trans community, straights!) and homosexual would be the new default since they would be the sex they were assigned at birth! You understand what is meant with this vocabulary and you’re either stupid or willfully ignorant if you hear some say they are ace/asexual and you assume they can reconfigure their sexual organs at will or need.

Atheism, to me, is a statement that I have no desire to engage in rituals or practices dedicated to a god or gods that don’t exist. I don’t doubt that people do believe in one or many but I’ve certainly studied religion to an extent and found it never could fulfill the promises it made. I feel the euphoria in my own creation, own the frustration of my own failures and mourn death because I will only have those memories of those lives and no existence as me beyond this one. I treasure this life and the lives of others because it’s tragic and precious and I do all I can to live alongside others and improve all of our lives because that is something that creates purpose in me. I’m not the kind and sensitive person I am because I fear what comes after life. I am this person because I treasure hope and goodness and harmony. I know that I am guaranteed nothing and many things will be grossly unfair and, like most humans, I will grasp to control situations that have no rationale or security. But I cannot believe in something on faith alone. I can believe in myself and sometimes other people but I have learned to wait for emotional upheaval to pass, then decide and take action. It was incredibly freeing to give up the ramblings of prayer to speak to myself and find the compromise between emotion and logic. Mythology is fascinating and I love to use it in fantasy, but I do not incorporate it into how I judge others or feel secure in the unknown.

Others can take these concepts and more and happily incorporate it into identity. Some do it healthily and others destructively. But my labels are minor aspects for me. My primary identity is creativity. I strive to develop how to communicate my perspective to study what I am capable of doing in the time I have. I have been sick for years and even in despair cling to hope I’d be able to thrive creatively again. I am still physically recovering but with a sense of optimism that once felt desperate and unrealistic. But I also never imagined I’d have a bladder that doesn’t rule my life and ever not feel twice my age. Whatever else life is or becomes, I know I will often redirect people from their confusion about my priorities, at least until I can satisfy them that there is much more to it than trauma or aberration from the norm. I am not here to convert others to my way of thinking; I stick around to remind others there’s a place for it.

Understanding can be hard or even impossible to reach, but I have always said that I am fine with acceptance. I don’t need you to reach uncomfortable levels of reflection to see things my way, but I do want to not be subjected to this idea that I need to be saved or fixed to coexist. Simply put, I can’t actually change minds against their will and that’s not my intention. As with all things, I just want to shed light on my humanity and the other nonconforming aspects as not inherently good or bad. We can’t paint others with the brush we use. We have to give others the ability to present their own stories.

It’s never that hard to imagine what other people would be without things we consider central to our existence. If we can remove condescension or accusation to ask why, we might be able to clarify. But always remember, no one owes it to you to explain the often abstract concept of a label. Google can answer that. If you want to know what it means to that person, most find it equally fascinating to give an answer.

We can’t be everything to everyone. We CAN define how our priorities can equal a completion of person.