Birthday Bash

I'm going in straight for the brag: I make delicious food. Humble check: the aesthetic leaves something to be desired. I don't have the same patience with cooking and baking that I do with most creative things. I focus on taste and texture, which is always the most important, but when it comes to presentation, I'm a prison mess hall slinger.

So since today is my dad's birthday (happy birthday, dad!) I... Damn it, I got boxed cake mix. I knew it was a mistake. There is literally nothing worse and something always goes wrong. Baked up, they looked fine, but it's the first time I've done carrot cake and I had no clue that I should've used parchment paper on the bottom of the pan. Needless to say, the first cake broke in half when it was time to get it out of the pan. Rather than give up, I melted the cream cheese icing and poured it over the top like a glaze instead. Realizing the second wouldn't fare better, I left it in the pan and iced it as is. There's irony here. My dad's eaten enough of my mistakes in life, so this one would literally be a piece of cake. If you've seen the frightening plates of mushed burritos and leftovers he eats, my unpretty cakes are hardly competition.

The birthday preparations weren't all bad. I did, after all, manage to wrap his gift without incident and I made a rather nice and sappy card for him. Little picture of a frazzled guy carrying the planet Earth on his back, along with the message "To the Dad/Pa-Pa who carries our world on his back and a bigger place in our hearts!". That's right, Hallmark; hit me up. I've got all the best words. 

So no more damn boxed cakes though. In my determination to plan ahead, I immediately perused pages of recipes until the ingredients and balance sounded like the real deal then printed it out.

Immediately after sitting it down, my cat She-Ra decided that was the only spot in the house worthy of her to lie on. Not only that, but she thoroughly licked herself while lying on it. After she got up, her sister-brother Seven decided it was her-his turn.

Did I tell that story already? Yeah, we thought Seven was possibly a boy cat. Then she went into heat. Yet we still kinda keep calling her a boy. I would say she's genderqueer, but there's never actually been behaviors typical of a male or female cat outside of mating. All cats are queer as fuck. That's why I love 'em.

So, that's about the start of my day. The little mini-dragons woke me up at 6AM because I forgot to close my door last night. Waking up to my cats attacking the shit out of a cardboard box full of plastic bags is not my favorite way to start the day, but at least I got the birthday prep done. I'll probably go back to sleep for a few hours then figure out the rest of the day. I did start the drafting lines for Totem last night, but I've a lot of reading on my plates too. Play this one by ear...

Love, peace and chicken grease...

Fussing The Way Back to Comfort

It took about 4-5 attempts to rearrange furniture after the fish tank fiasco, but today, I feel pretty content with where things are. Mostly it involved moving a dresser, end table and some craft organizers and in a way that kept my curious cats from making a mess of any new arrangement. They're pretty proficient in asshole architecture so it didn't take long for them to show me the flaws and adjust accordingly.

The drawing display is supposedly coming sometime today. I already ditched the Wacom drivers to avoid any interference with the new drivers for XP-Pen. My cat is contentedly hogging the more accommodating space I made in the window, looking out at the rainy day. I'm vibrating with restless energy and jumping up every time I hear what could be a delivery van.

I have a half-made dragon scarf awaiting the rainbow yarn I ordered to finish it. Along with an assortment of 12mm doll eyes for unpainted doll heads that will become painted doll heads at some point. There are also a few open Scrivener files on my computer: UnHeard, the short stories branching from my current two published series, and another literary fiction project I titled Shared Silence. There are no lack of things to do, but after moving furniture, I'm content to scroll through Netflix and Hulu and enjoy some rest.

Tomorrow I may take the kids to the park or something. They've been cooped up playing video games all spring break, but between me working most of the week, my sister's reparative finger surgery and Dad working too, none of us could get out to do much else either. If not for the rain today and yesterday, I would have taken them to the park so I'm hoping for a sunny day tomorrow.

Death, of any significance in my life, always leaves these awkward gaps. The routines, once so seamless and unconsciously a part of me, are now muddled spotlights where I stand immobile, numb and scrambling for something to fill it. It's not a physical space where certain shapes or convenient liquids end up making it right. It's not a landfill of mismatched things either. Some people make the lovely comparison of the Japanese art of using gold to repair cracks, which is a great mental exercise in healing but isn't a fix either.

I've read that death changes you entirely, that you will never be the same and, in truth, you don't want to be. Would we really have never known that life at all rather than be transformed by the pain of loss? Rather, I don't want pain to be paralytic. I want some sort of closure that keeps me moving. I had a sort of paralytic pain when my dog died but the deaths started to pile on and survival meant I couldn't keep wallowing as I did that time. Even though it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do, I forced myself to both feel and keep moving. When my friend Fermín passed, I finished school and focused on crochet. When my mom passed, I focused on my health goals and kept writing the books I talked about with her. I lived my life and kept my promises to those people, even though they wouldn't be there to hold me accountable.

We must be accountable to ourselves as if we are keeping promises that will be weighed. Because they will be. You will have to face the guilt, shame, disappointment in yourself for failing your own expectations too. You will also have to decide that grief plans made you overly ambitious at times and forgive whatever overachieving plans you couldn't accomplish. Grief can leave you in total darkness or shine a vicious spotlight on you. It's rarely a grey area so you need plans for that violently rocking ship you might be struggling with.

I find comfort in that struggle. I see it as a place to test my strengths and weaknesses, to learn about the new person I will be. It's nothing to fear. A full life often means many drastic changes in the journey to find yourself. Find comfort where you can, but leave comfort to reach for more fulfilling risks.

'Tis the Season

I'm not really the sort of person that gets excited about holidays. That being said, I'm not the begrudging sort that will ever mumble things about them being commercialized, expensive, depressing, 'just another day' etc. either. I've had a few crappy holidays here and there, but I've never gotten to the point where I've ever felt like shaming people for enjoying them.

I do enjoy watching people open gifts I've gotten/made them. I love how excited kids get. Love doing the crafts. Ehhh, not a fan of Christmas music (I was a retail worker too long to get that excited about the month long 8-hour a day piping of the same 30 songs over and over).

What I enjoy now is the time I'm taking off writing and drawing to make Christmas presents. Of course, I'm daydreaming about going back to it and I still slip over to blog or edit a chapter here and there, doodle on the edge of a page--there really isn't a 'break' from that part of life, any more than I can avoid sleep when I really want to work.

There is also the daily workout of keeping an eye out for the packages coming and the possibility of porch pirates, the inevitable Grinches of the season. Fuck those guys in the ass with razor-sharp candy canes. Yet I'm on those notifications and the sound of every vehicle that comes down the street and, hey, it's only for the next week, so I got this.

No Christmas tree this year. Not a sacrifice, though, since having two rambunctious kittens instead is always better. We do have decorations up on shelves they can't get to. We've been doing Christmas crafts and chocolate advent calendars and hot chocolate, so it's plenty festive. Enjoyable, to say the least.

While I'm not the sort to find some inner pool of excitement for holidays, I find that I often enjoy them based on the moods of people around me. When the kids are excited and the sentiment is genuine, I definitely get into it more. The people who are genuinely grateful for the things I make them continuously end up on my list. Hats are usually the quickest make but we're still looking at AT LEAST 4-6 hours of my time on simple hats, with any kind of off-pattern make taking several days. There has to at least be an excited thank-you in the return or it's deflating to have spent the precious time in making it.

On that note, this is why I don't bother with the business side of it anymore. On occasion, I have a couple of regulars that are happy to pay me fair wages for that effort. On occasion, I even gift to them, free of charge, as a thank-you for supporting me as an artist. However, for most people, I do write patterns and encourage them to learn how to make them for themselves. I definitely do not tolerate being told I'm too expensive. Hop on over to Etsy and see where I'm getting my prices. Considering I usually run my estimates right in the middle of the ranges, my quotes were always generous. Why? Because I'm an expert. No, really. I can admit there are some Russian ladies that free-form most of us to shame, but my custom work is original and a work of art so I have always earned the right to charge for materials, time and labor.

Unfortunately, it is also mostly a hobby now. While my art and writing are always competing for my professional attention, crochet isn't something that takes a top spot in competing with that time. I still have yet to figure out how to squeeze in marketing, but make no mistake, I do seriously monetize my work because I take pride in it. I won't undercut or water down a market for a quick buck so I always deeply consider market value in my decisions.

Well, I didn't mean to stray in that direction, but you know, 'tis the season. All four of them. Because you have to know that the creative brain, while also focused, is a ride that jumps the tracks and flies where it will. I don't monetize my blog so you're definitely always going to get what you pay for.

And then some, because I'm a giver.

Winter Loves a Writer

I know not everyone enjoys winter like I do, yet it does suck to be out in freezing weather, even for me. What I like most about braving the cold is the immense satisfaction of coming home, brewing a hot drink and diving under my sinfully soft blankets to hunker down on my computer. Drawing, writing-- wherever the day takes me, I am so much more appreciative and motivated to do creative work once the cold blast of winter is blissfully outside when I'm in.

For my fellow night owl/bears, winter is also a time for lots of dark and even more sleep. Even my more insomniatic days are less troublesome than any other time of year. It feels like a time of recuperation, healing, planning, introspection and really cracking down on work.

If you have furry ones in your house, their heat-seeking cuddling ways are even better too. I don't mind closing my laptop to appease a loving kitten for a few minutes. They're only a few months old and get into everything, but that also means that, unless they're sleeping, they don't demand me very long before they're off chasing the nearest moving target. 

Of course, there's chapped lips and dry scorched lungs and coughing and sniffling and numb asses and stinging thighs--the list goes on, but I always feel like those things melt away. Even when I'm drained or in pain, too tired and sore to do anything but collapse into bed, there's no regret because recuperative sleep is also important. I know that I'll probably be up for a long session once I wake.

On that note, I signed up for an instant job temp service, one that lets me work whenever I want, wherever I choose, and for living wage pay. Many states offer services like these and a lot of companies are grabbing at this method so they can build relationships with workers before offering a good fit employee a more lasting position. Of course, you don't ever have to commit to permanent work, just stick to their commitment and building a good reputation that makes them look good. It's really the Uber of job markets and I'm excited to blend this sort of work into my creative pursuits. Programs like these will help so many people find meaningful contributions without starving a dream or themselves for that matter. I think it's a model that will help hard-working yet unconventional workers a place in society. Like self-publishing, I hope to see it flourish in the future!

In any case, much more creative work planned! I'm doing a sweeping edit of UnSung, adding a few scenes that support a spanning plot and getting those pesky homophones and errors knocked out. I know it will need at least one more sound edit before I decide on the next steps, but with a whopping 250K+ word count, it's a lot of ground to cover. All the same, since its sequel got a 73K start during NaNo, I'm really optimistic about the direction of this series. The real intimidator will actually be the fourth and final book. It's really going to be a wild ride with so many plots weaving to a final resolution. This series is a big one in terms of development, but I've had great practice from game series like Uncharted, Dragon Age and even Final Fantasy.

Yes, I know. Bad serial novelist! Games are not books! But I have plenty of those influences too. I was literally THAT GIRL--you know, the one who dug through boxes of books and read all summer when everyone else was swimming. One of my best summers involved discovering The Sisters of Eluria, The Summer Tree and Sabriel. Still, I've even used screenplays to inspire the way I approach plot. There are many wonderful and exclusive advantages to every medium and I truly labor to utilize what novels best offer. Novels can offer sensory and emotional excursions, for one. They can offer unique transitions and unconventional story telling formats that aren't quite as effective elsewhere.

In any case, enjoy the winter season! I won't insist you get into the holiday spirit and for some people, it's even gloomy and depressing. All the same, I still want all of my cold weather people to maneuver through this time of year with as much enthusiasm as you can muster. Hell, start yourself a nice winter hobby! Take up crochet or knit, write, draw, sculpt, paint, play video games, stare at walls. There's a lot of potential for internal growth in inclement weather, so take advantage.

Cats, Coffee and Halloween

Saturday night, we finally caved to having furbabies in the house again. After losing my dog and cat a few years ago, I just couldn't get over the feeling that getting another pet was replacing them. My sister's cat had a couple of kittens that finally reached weaning stages, so now we have She-Ra and Seven. It's nice to have cats in the house again. They adjusted pretty quickly and they do bring cheer to the house so it was time.

Onto the coffee...

You might also know I got a coffee brewer for my birthday and have since enjoyed the wonderful world of mass brewing, travel mug and K-cup coffee since. My dad's ex-wife, a sweet woman named Carole who told me I've always been the daughter she wish she had, had a bunch of K-Cup coffee in different flavors and types that she sent home with my dad. Not just coffee but cappuccino and lattes-- mocha, peppermint and my favorite, hazelnut. The bottom shelf of one cabinet is now completely my teas, drink mixes, and coffees and that also makes this girl over the moon.

As for Halloween, that's a week away, folks! I've done two of the four planned covers and it's highly likely I'll finish the other two this week as well. They're absolutely beautiful. For the first one, I went half and half, blending a photo with digital painting, but it made me confident enough to just source a photo and paint independently. I went with a simple stock texture background that will just change colors over the series and then each front and back cover will contain half a face with a solid spine between them. There will also be an object behind the title, something in theme with the book (there's a dagger on the first and a lute on the second, but haven't decided on the other two yet). Because I scrapped the original covers that I hadn't really planned, I do plan on posting the cover drawing I'm not using for UnSung sometime prior to its release. It's done in more of a comic style whereas I used more realism for the current ones. I'm very proud of these so far so it will be difficult not to share them right away.

In any case, proceeds for The Magical Book of Wands will be donated to the American Library Association. Preorder this anthology, that I am proud to be a part of, before its Halloween release and help us fight to keep public libraries available. Libraries aren't just for readers. They also provide valuable community services like free internet and children's programs. Authors will not be taking any proceeds so if you still wish to support us, follow our links provided after our stories to find our work or find us on Patreon.

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07H7T24SG

That wraps things up for now. It'll be back to digital painting, scrambling to finish what I can prior to NaNoWriMo and maybe doing some diamond painting. Holy hell, the diamond chips are tiny. I've never done this before and they're definitely smaller than even my Mini perler beads, so there will probably be a lot of swearing. Wish me luck!