Christmas Sprint

so, this morning was a quick stop at Dollar Tree and Walmart. Wrapping supplies I missed on the first trip, way more gift tags than I can use in a decade (they stuck together), a retirement gift for Margie (one of the waitresses I work with at Sports Page) and some Christmas shirts to wear to work and hopefully encourage customers to throw some some nice tips our way in the spirit of giving. Much needed after the slow business and small tips of the past week.

But hey, I do enjoy the customers and work so I don't grumble about bad tips to them or treat anyone differently for being cheap. It happens and often we do get generous tippers to balance it out. Most days anyway... Still not worth griping about. It's rare I find a job I actually like showing up to.

So with all that out of the way, it'll be some Christmas cleaning. We always do the big wrapping event on Christmas Eve, so there's that. Why wait for Spring to make the nest a comfy clean place? Same reason why New Year's Resolutions aren't something I peg change on. Sooner is always better than later. Circumstances are something we have to adjust to in life. Plans are great, but things come in the way and we can't let ourselves be defeated before we've given it the best chance to begin... again and again, if needed.

I always have plans to write or draw or craft, but what is done is a thing that often has to be in the moment and organic. Forcing things can work, but more often than not, there is a time I have to respect its pull. It can be graceful or a whip crack. It is what it is.

Back to the grinds, whatever they may be!

Merry Christmas!

Didn't know if I'd find time away from the unboxing of gifts and general excitement, but here I am, ready to write.

It's not the same as hitting up my stories, but I'll take it!

I got plenty of cozy PJs from my family, or what I like to call my writer's work uniforms. All the more a treat since I do put on other work clothes to earn money my newbie writing career isn't cutting... Yet. I did get a spiffy new pair of Skechers from my sis for all the walking I do.

Being an UpShifter is a blessing too. You'd think showing up new to a job would be stressful, but it's actually quite the opposite. Insofar, these places are so used to us and the learning curve and grateful for the help as well. It's always in the back of my mind that even if it's not a job I want to do again, I easily don't have to sign up for it again. Sure, I'd rather write all day, every day, but because it's always a choice, I don't have to pine for the next day off on a schedule that was chosen for me-- if I want a week of starving artistry, I can take it. Or I can work all week because money is great too.

I was upset to hear that some UpShifters don't take it seriously. Some walk off the minute they get an assignment or do a poor job. I hope that this is a rare occurrence since I'd hate for programs like this to fade because clients can't trust us. Luckily, UpShift doesn't give us a bunch of chances for that kind of nonsense. Don't take the privilege seriously and they boot you for good. All three parties-- the client, UpShift and employees-- are protected well from shady practices. This means if the client tries to screw us over, it is investigated as well. No one is immediately guilty but offenders are not given a slap on the wrist.

Still, back to the good because it's too good a day to ruin! I know this doesn't sound so joyous but I have a dentist appointment coming up to get these janky teeth fixed. First day of the new year and I'm looking forward to getting rid of this persistent tooth pain. I'd like to focus on health and happiness again this year. See if I can revive my metabolism, put better fuel in my body, so I can be my best as an artist and worker. 2019 has a lot of lofty plans I hope to tick off so let's get it on!

Christmas Magic

Comparison is often a gauge for how we rank a day. Christmas is one such popular holiday where people have some bias as to what constitutes a good or bad Christmas. Never mind the starving kids for a moment and allow yourself to just go on a personal bias. It's way too easy to ruin your day by virtue of sweeping comparison. In order to enjoy any day, it often comes down to your expectations for it.

And yes, it's often a damning milestone holiday but it doesn't have to be. I've gleefully worked Christmases when my family didn't have anything planned. My childless, single self was able to remove expectations and at least be grateful I was healthy enough, free enough, to work for those double or triple rate wages. We're not all disgruntled workers ripped from the arms of our sobbing family. Work on Christmas is a great way to validate goals on a day where most businesses are closed and most people have someone to celebrate with.

That's not to down on my family. It's often through grief that holidays were just too hard to put on a happy face for. Sometimes you know you're just going to be a wet blanket. Lonely days are great days to find a new hobby. Instead, I'll see those posts about lamenting being single or without family or broke etc.

So why don't he choose joyous times to announce it? Misery loves company? I wish I could say it was that simple. I think I was just being plain stupid (yes, I've been one of those people that does it). Was it some subtle ploy to be included or spoiled? That's likely. However, if you really feel you don't want to be alone on the holidays, start talking earnestly to your friends about plans. If someone has room in their day, ask to pay them a visit. Find a group or an event-- if you're depressed, there are low-key options like concerts or performances. If you're down on your life you may not want a highly social event, especially with the usual round of high school reunion questions where people ask questions they want to brag about themselves.

I get it. The established live-in partner, the steady job, the family-- the less effort the better. However, when you don't have the luxury, don't waste it on the lamenting. 

It's okay to have a shitty holiday. Don't get so low you want to die, but understand that it's okay to not have a social media worthy day to share. Over time, I've even become very private with the quality of my days. I don't want to notice patterns or lock in moods that don't really represent what I'm about. Really-- be at peace with highs and lows but don't get stuck there. It may be a good time to reassess your expectations.

By the way, and just my opinion, it's extremely creepy when people lament being single. Not only is it unattractive, it also tells people you have expectations for a person you think you deserve. People aren't prizes for good behavior. Finding someone is often a side effect of self love and sheer dumb luck. 

Come on-- if you're my age, you damn well heard Jasmine on Aladdin throw it down. She is NOT a prize to be won!

I'm going to have a great Christmas this year. Not only because of gifts but because my family is getting along, we have food to eat, and I wanna see their faces when we finally do get to see them open our thoughtful gifts. No-- this ain't no Charlie Brown Christmas. We busted our asses to buy or make gifts and managed not to stress out or lose sight of holidays being fun.

Make your own magic. It doesn't have to be the best nor does it have to be the worst. I lost my Grandma two Christmases ago (to the day) and my mom two months later on her birthday. I've had hard holidays. It doesn't mean the world stops. If you can't have the best ever, then it may take effort.

Or none at all. Fuck it. Make it another day. A day of rest and reflection. A day of food and sleep. A day of great wages. Treat yourself.

From my family to yours, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! Enjoy all the other holidays of your choice at leisure.

Christmas Comes

Things crocheted yet another weekend of working awaits. Yet as the work is done, the dream only strengthens. I feel my worlds beckon and it's almost time to absorb myself in those places they offer once more.

I think fondly of my flagship series. I wonder what it can become once I find it a wider audience. It's been the crux of a massive change in my life. Like becoming a college graduate, becoming a published author is something I carry with me always. It's one of those titles I kind of want to blurt out every time I meet someone. I had the courage to turn a long time dream into a medium I could share. I was able to become more than just another person who is writing a book. Not that I'm not always writing a book-- even when I finish one, there are five more in various stages of completion.

Right now, I'm anxious to let everyone see the gifts I made them. Crocheting is tough on hands, time and delicate fingers, not to mention posture. Yet the time I put into it makes me proud to suffer and sacrifice to make these things, to make people happy through what makes me happy.

The creation process is just as much frustration as it is joy. I can't tell you exactly what makes self abuse through creation so irresistible but I'm always looking a few steps ahead, anxious to make it something tangible. There are these tiny moments in there where I perfectly understand the insane magnetism and it must be those moments that make the hundreds of hours worth it. Yet when people use words to say they can't do what I do, I still don't quite understand why they consider it focused or disciplined or that they're too restless. Creation is chaos, turbulence, always transforming. I'd understand it more if they said that taming it is like trying to scoop dry sand with a fishnet. You can eventually pile it up with what you've got, but you'd get there quicker if you think of what needs to happen to make it work better. Wet the sand and the castles fall into place (although honey or glue are a few tricks of the trade too).

Anyways, look forward to a relaxing Christmas and then the return to writing and editing. Castles to build, after all!

The Reason for the Season

I'm positive that not a damn person likes being told how to celebrate a holiday, less so that we have to at all. Yet we're always going to hear dipshit phrases like "War on Christmas" and "It's Murrry CHRISTMAS, not X-Mas or Happy Holidays!" herpy derpy durrr and flippy dee derp. Even though the number of Christians is out-numbered by atheist and 'other', as a nation, the rest of us have always humored all of the Christian holiday traditions usually superimposed rather deliberately over the original pagan traditions they stole from.

I love Christmas. I even enjoy the nativity scenes and Jesus songs, even though I was brought up on the Santa side of things, a fact that didn't change even when I'd fancied myself a Christian through this little gap of my life (from around 8 years old to around 15 or 16, but don't hold me to accuracy because my memory of how old I was for anything is not the best). I have no idea why, but I even found something I wrote when I was younger still, maybe 4 or 5, that said "I love God and Jesus." I was probably told to because Christianity was always the predatory norm. I vaguely remember my mom seeing it and me asking who God and Jesus were after the fact and her laughing. Like most kids, I was pretty trusting, especially if it came from an adult.

So the idea that Christian values are threatened has always been laughable. Despite the fact that religion was indeed where morality saw the first written history, nothing actually skewed my morality quite like religion. I actually have a 'friend' or two on FB that often posts some of the most appalling, hateful shit then, in the same breath, justifies it because they're strong in faith and God's love. In fact, my own experience often meant full-grown adults left me crying in bed at night after telling me to witness to my parents or they'd go to hell. This wasn't Jehovah's Witness crap either, but both Lutheran and Methodist branches of plain ole Christianity. 

Any values outside of Christianity are the ones in real danger. You might get the over-reactive Christian pretending there's actually some chance the whole feeding-Christians-to-lions thing is going to make a comeback but aside from singular psychos blowing themselves up in churches (usually more racially motivated than religious), there are far more incidents of Christians endangered or even murdering atheists and 'other' with the justification of God on their side. But of course, these nutcases are rightfully penalized under the law because, thankfully, justice doesn't have a creed and doesn't care who you worship when you harm another human being. Still, Muslims and Jews and atheists statistically have far more cause to fear a world without separation of church and state and it's not because they're wrong, but because the default is always the Christian way of doing things.

While I don't intend to run through my beliefs here, it does need to be said that I've often said 'bless you too' in response because I know when I see crazy and I'm not willing to die to assert my lack of belief in any god. While that may also be an over-reactive example, I've certainly been physically assaulted by someone (rather, someones) who doesn't much like my atheism in their Christian bubble, so I do exercise caution. Much like I try not to offend strangers I run into on the street because you never know which psychos have a conceal-and-carry and are looking for a stranger to take out their bad day on.

These days, even the most reckless and honest among us are picking their battles. My go-to response for the victim complex when it comes to someone celebrating differently or not at all is the reactionary eye-roll. It's well and good to vent on the internet (although I choose that carefully too), but it's never worth it to make an ego-driven argument on the subject face-to-face. For one, I hate violent confrontation. Yelling not only hurts my ears but it sends my blood pressure soaring with the anxiety. For two, I'm not so invested on people appeasing my ego. That's really all it is. I know I'm not going to change a mind made up so the only thing left to fuel it is the need to show off my supposed knowledge until one of us is too worn out to bother.

No one wins these arguments. Or at least no one really ever walks out of a shitty argument feeling good aside from a deluded narcissist who has the superpower of immediately twisting the facts to create a mental victory.

The reason for the season isn't that important. It's a dumb argument no matter how intelligently made. People who keep trying to enforce this shit are battling some sort of insecurity and want to share the misery and that's that. They're probably even upper-middle class people in most cases, with a surface-level enviable life. They probably did exactly as they were told with their entire belief system and questioning it is something they were traumatized against so they panic at the first hint of anything else. I can't say for certain and if it's that bad, they won't dare to look very closely at it anyway. I'm not trying to judge why they find it acceptable behavior, but it doesn't change the fact that the rest of us just aren't that tolerant of it at some point.

The rest of us, we've been pretty damn tolerant. Above and beyond even. Just don't play the victim when you're screaming about Jesus being the reason for the season and someone disagreeing. It's not a war on Christmas. Christmas itself is notoriously salved over many pagan traditions. Pagans managed to take it in stride, secure in their own beliefs. They were flattered, even. Cultural appropriation screechers could take a page from this as well. Personally, I'm flattered when someone tries to copy me. If they do better, then I learn from that too. Really it all comes down to insecurity. Do we sulk or do we exercise some pride that people are inspired by a good idea?

The Christians in my life are all outwardly secure people. I have no problem when they want to say grace or observe rituals that are important to them. They don't insist I join in and I don't ridicule them. The real key to a better humanity doesn't come from assimilation but in being secure in yourself. I won't insult my readers with cookie-cutter simplifications, but it all comes down to being okay with being 'the only one'. In truth, there's no such thing. There is always someone else to share a belief with. But when you're in a situation where you are 'the only one' (and especially learning to embrace periods of actual solitude where you do have to look at yourself), it shouldn't terrify you or send you reaching to recruit someone. Until you are secure in your own reasons, you are the one that is dangerous to others.

'Tis the Season

I'm not really the sort of person that gets excited about holidays. That being said, I'm not the begrudging sort that will ever mumble things about them being commercialized, expensive, depressing, 'just another day' etc. either. I've had a few crappy holidays here and there, but I've never gotten to the point where I've ever felt like shaming people for enjoying them.

I do enjoy watching people open gifts I've gotten/made them. I love how excited kids get. Love doing the crafts. Ehhh, not a fan of Christmas music (I was a retail worker too long to get that excited about the month long 8-hour a day piping of the same 30 songs over and over).

What I enjoy now is the time I'm taking off writing and drawing to make Christmas presents. Of course, I'm daydreaming about going back to it and I still slip over to blog or edit a chapter here and there, doodle on the edge of a page--there really isn't a 'break' from that part of life, any more than I can avoid sleep when I really want to work.

There is also the daily workout of keeping an eye out for the packages coming and the possibility of porch pirates, the inevitable Grinches of the season. Fuck those guys in the ass with razor-sharp candy canes. Yet I'm on those notifications and the sound of every vehicle that comes down the street and, hey, it's only for the next week, so I got this.

No Christmas tree this year. Not a sacrifice, though, since having two rambunctious kittens instead is always better. We do have decorations up on shelves they can't get to. We've been doing Christmas crafts and chocolate advent calendars and hot chocolate, so it's plenty festive. Enjoyable, to say the least.

While I'm not the sort to find some inner pool of excitement for holidays, I find that I often enjoy them based on the moods of people around me. When the kids are excited and the sentiment is genuine, I definitely get into it more. The people who are genuinely grateful for the things I make them continuously end up on my list. Hats are usually the quickest make but we're still looking at AT LEAST 4-6 hours of my time on simple hats, with any kind of off-pattern make taking several days. There has to at least be an excited thank-you in the return or it's deflating to have spent the precious time in making it.

On that note, this is why I don't bother with the business side of it anymore. On occasion, I have a couple of regulars that are happy to pay me fair wages for that effort. On occasion, I even gift to them, free of charge, as a thank-you for supporting me as an artist. However, for most people, I do write patterns and encourage them to learn how to make them for themselves. I definitely do not tolerate being told I'm too expensive. Hop on over to Etsy and see where I'm getting my prices. Considering I usually run my estimates right in the middle of the ranges, my quotes were always generous. Why? Because I'm an expert. No, really. I can admit there are some Russian ladies that free-form most of us to shame, but my custom work is original and a work of art so I have always earned the right to charge for materials, time and labor.

Unfortunately, it is also mostly a hobby now. While my art and writing are always competing for my professional attention, crochet isn't something that takes a top spot in competing with that time. I still have yet to figure out how to squeeze in marketing, but make no mistake, I do seriously monetize my work because I take pride in it. I won't undercut or water down a market for a quick buck so I always deeply consider market value in my decisions.

Well, I didn't mean to stray in that direction, but you know, 'tis the season. All four of them. Because you have to know that the creative brain, while also focused, is a ride that jumps the tracks and flies where it will. I don't monetize my blog so you're definitely always going to get what you pay for.

And then some, because I'm a giver.

12th Day of Christmas

Call it what you will-- lazy, strange, callous, but here on this 12th day of December,  it only just now occurred to me to wonder when the 12 days of Christmas actually are. When does it start and end? Wait, no, even though I wondered in blog form, I'm still not as curious as I pretend to be. Christmas, as the name insists, is a Christian concept glued on top of Yule and Saturnalia, pagan concepts, in some uncomfortable and transparent effort to kill off that which the terminally offended don't care to understand either.

Aw, now I kind of painted myself into this one, didn't I? Unless I'm being self-unaware, then I have to either follow through or just persist in my ignorance, albeit a harmless one.

What I find stranger is that, even though I kind of fancied myself a willing Christian (not inherited from insistent family), it is one of those oddball things that never came up. It's a really common thing, for widespread songs or sayings to be oft repeated with no actual idea of what they actually mean. Knowing that this mindset is one of the reasons religion can be so dangerous, it's also in my best interest to remedy that.

Unfortunately, unless I have some profound insight to add to a Wikipedia entry I copy-pasted, then persisting in this line of thought is just tedious. So here's the short and sweet.

The Twelvetide starts on December 25 and ends January 5. If I play my cards right, I'll make off with 12 drummers drumming, 11 pipers piping, 10 lords a-leaping, 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, FIVE GOLDEN RINNNNNGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree. And also, I knew that by heart because I insisted on singing the whole song beginning to end almost religiously since I learned it as a child.

So essentially, spring cleaning will be a yard sale/pet shop that may or may not be morally questionable considering the human trafficking element. I'm not sure why my true love thought a bunch of artists and nobles are something I can afford the upkeep on or even what I could do with practical maids that are a-milking cows I don't have (although milking has a sexual connotation I'd rather not pursue). As much as I love animals, it really sounds like my true love be setting me up for legionnaire's disease from all the bird dust. Swans though? Do you have any idea how evil those majestic bastards are? I'm certain that I should gift my true love with a restraining order because this can't be a healthy relationship and I gather from the song that he does NOT take 'no' for an answer.

In any case, stay curious. Enjoy some mental flexibility and don't forget to also enjoy exploring what seems mundane but often leads to some fun ideas.

And if you haven't already, look up Dave Chappelle's take on the expression 'screw the pooch.' For the record, I've never actually used this phrase but I'm super tempted to put on my best Dave Chappelle voice when I find the perfect place to use it.

PEACE!