Book 4 is COMING!

Finally, brain and weather signed a peace treaty in favor of me actually getting some work done, so it's time to share. The fourth book of the Heroes, World, Universe Chronicles, A World Reborn: Children of Heroes, is on its way! I still have some minor work to do-- checking formatting, making a marketing flier, fun stuff, but I'm setting the release date for April 20th and will have pre-orders available soon.

Print Cover Design

Once more I'm aiming for $15 for the print and $3.99 for the ebook. I'd love to make cheaper print options and hardbacks available someday, but the trade paperbacks are beautiful and very sturdy so well worth the price.

I'll leave it at this since I'd like to jump into updating my website and the bits and pieces to set it all up. I really enjoy the work and hope to keep bringing you even better options, stories and characters as I go. Thanks to everyone for the amazing support as I grow with each new experience!

Keep writing!

Updates and Debates

Or maybe I should have said Debates and Updates, but really I'd rather just get something out of the way.

I hate emotional debates. There, I said it. I will gladly discuss something based on facts and even throw a few opinions at it, but the tendency for people to devolve into speculating what rock you've crawled out from under, your level of intelligence or the need for you to see things their way at any cost? Nah, sorry, not interested. I am well aware that I am a passive sort but it is also my policy to attempt to be respectful and find humor whenever possible. 

I've come to realize I'm not very liberal and I'm definitely not conservative so being called moderate, neutral, Switzerland-- all of those suit me just fine. I'd never deny that each person faces issues that are unique to their gender, race,etc, but it's just as likely that the way the world reacts to you is also directly related to your attitude towards it. There are assholes and white knights and 'nice guys' and it's not my job to go around slapping labels on any of them. I've taken to making my life my business and doing my best to sympathize with someone's personal struggle, provided I at least like them and they're not antagonizing me. I do not care for someone's Internet 101 assessment on how fucked up the world is. The world only seems more violent, more sick and more unfair because we have every story, opinion and spin at out fingertips. The world has always been fucked up, a fact I learned since I was barely out of diapers. Can we please stop pretending that it's cold to pick your battles? I've finally chosen my contribution to this world and it's not politics, hair pulling and paralysis from being pulled in a million directions. Most of you have really good points but even then, sometimes a personal bias keeps even a well thought argument from missing the mark when omitting that your opposition can actually relate to you on a different level. No, it's not the same but at least admit you can't feel their pain anymore than you can theirs and sometimes it's just words against words. The path to being everything to everyone though; that was tantamount to insanity for me.

That being said, let's get to updates. The Apocalypse seems to still be sweeping through with its unadaptable weather patterns. It's slowed me a bit but I've been poking at the fourth cover and disciplining myself away from peeking at UnSung. In case you've missed my take on this before, I do find it valuable to tuck away a story, let it simmer for a bit, then tackle it again. Once I do look at it again, I'm going to break it up into some chunks and ask a few people to read it but I decided against rushing it. In the meantime, I've been adding notes here and there to what I want to do for the second part. I did some feathering work on my character (not really a spoiler here but I designed a male character to have these feather sleeves).

I do like to do a lot by hand but this time I drew feathers in vector to resize them and arrange them on the drawing in Photoshop. I plan on texturing them by hand but I often like the task of arranging objects. One of the reasons that working at a floral shop is still one of my favorite jobs to date. Anyways, duplicating objects comes in handy for elements like leaves, feathers, buttons, beading and I don't mind customizing brushes or creating objects to duplicate. The first time I recall doing this was for a school project and I drew three different Sakura flowers and arranged them on a branch. For objects with multiple elements (the flowers had separate petals and centers), I like to ungroup them to really personalize the shape sometimes before moving on.

Personally, I want to play the devil's advocate here and tell authors, against all popular advice, to go ahead and attempt your own cover art if that is what you enjoy. Regardless of how well it does, self-publishing does not put a limit on what you can change. I would definitely suggest researching successful design or asking for opinions as part of the learning experience, but go ahead and indulge that curiosity and learn what you can from it. I've seen a fair amount of writers that aren't just writers. By all means, develop skills and take risks. Publishing can be an expensive undertaking if you need to outsource. Self-publishing is the wave of the future and as it picks up you'll find that more and more multitalented creatives are taking on the work themselves.

As always, keep writing. And no, that's not my catchphrase. No matter what you do with it, I encourage everyone to write and I won't let you forget it.

Interest Piece: The Basics of Crochet

While my blog usually combines personal anecdotes with writing tips, I do like to mix things up and enhance my abilities with the occasional writing challenge. I am not exactly a master crocheter, at least not in terms of fame, pure dedication, YouTube, etc. but I am adept enough to follow any skill level of pattern and even make my own. I'd love to do a video tutorial on how to do a dragon neck warmer pattern someday, but I won't jump too far ahead right now.

First off, I'm going to assume you know nothing about crochet to start. As far as supplies goes, it's more complex than you might think. Yarn comes in many different blends, types, lengths, weights and varieties. Blends can include acrylic, animal hair/fur, bamboo, silk, cotton, even paper. Aside from your yarn selection, you can also choose to use finer threads for more delicate work. Thin threads are much more durable that thin yarns. As far as lengths go, you can buy them in tiny bonbons or giant cakes and you'll run into different winding methods as well like hanks, balls, skeins, cones, etc. These all give you an indication of how you will need to work with them to unwind them. Skeins are the most popular since most let you neatly pull the center thread, keeping it compact while you work with it. A yarn's weight is actually another name for its thickness. A 1 is the thinnest, while 7 or even 8 is nearly a rope. The standard weight in most projects usually falls between 3-4, with 5-6 being bulky or super bulky. I won't bother with the exact names here because this isn't universal (much like the US is the only country that even calls it yarn, since most countries favor calling all yarn 'wool' whether it has any wool in the blend or not). With regard to variety, you'll run into some funky types like boucle, balloon, tufted, eyelash and so on. These are designer types and generally pretty difficult for beginners to work with.

A little history before I lead into the next basic and that is that 'crochet' is a French term meaning 'to hook'. The 'hooks' were originally very organic-- the first crocheters used bent fingers to make the knots that make up the craft. Nowadays, we have quite the selection, ranging from wood, plastic, bamboo, polymer clay, aluminum and steel. As with many aspects of crochet, there are differences between US/UK standards in size. UK uses the diameter in millimeters where the US system often uses a letter and/or number rating (I think it runs from A to S. There might be a bigger gauge than S but I personally haven't worked with anything bigger than P). My personal collection uses both systems since I've bought them from many countries. It's important to note that delicate projects often use a different hook type, typically known as thread or steel hooks. These are thinner and have a different numbering system. If you don't have your hooks sorted, you may grab a crochet hook that says 3.0, which is bigger than the 3.0 of your steel hook set.

I'll go ahead and insert an optional section here concerning gauge. If you're a beginner, this might sound like gibberish, but the takeaway here is that you might not need it at all. Gauge is something you typically only need when making clothing. Most patterns meant to be made to a certain size will include a gauge chart which will let you know how many stitches should cover a certain length (usually per 3-4 inches). This will mean starting a swatch to make sure your yarn and tension (the term used for how tight or loose your stitches are) will fit the gauge or if you'll have to use less or more stitches to get the size you want. Once more, this is something more intermediate or advanced. To avoid running into sizing issues, stick to the recommended yarns. Most patterns have them. If you're going to stick to potholders or dolls or doilies, it's not something you often need. It's worth noting that a lot of novices make the mistake of ignoring it when making cardigans or shirts and end up with something way too big or small. You can get away without gauging hats in most cases, but keep this in mind if you're feeling brave enough to get out of basics.

The basics of usage are not something you'll want to try to figure out through words or even pictures. Scour through some videos on holds (what is the most comfortable way for you to hold the hook) and tension (how you thread the yarn through your fingers while working). This is a personal choice part of the craft and one thing a good teacher will explain before teaching a single stitch. From there, you will want to learn the slipknot. Again, no one way to do this. I personally like doing the pretzel method. You will do it at the start of every project without fail. Your next move will be chains and single crochets. For years, I never did more than single crochet and there are many projects that can be made from that alone.

I have to add here that I am once again using US terms. UK calls chains the single crochet and the single is a double for them. The rationale with the US system is that the chain is not a complete stitch where the single is the simplest secured stitch. The UK system's rationale is how many times you hook the yarn onto the hook (chains use one, the next uses two, etc.). I wouldn't worry too much about the why each time, just pay note of whether you're using a US/UK pattern. I learned US first so I think down single is a chain, double is single, triple is double. I've never done more than a triple treble which basically just looks like a chain. The basic stitches are single, double, half-double, treble, double treble, triple treble. Once you start looking for more difficult techniques, you'll run into types like crocodile, moss, butterfly, spike, puff, etc. that often resemble what they sound like. Many of them skip traditional looping steps you learn in basics or are simply a combination of basic steps (a standard crocodile is just a chain, three doubles, a chain, three doubles and a chain-- the effect resembles a reptile's scale. Be warned that you have to set up a lattice row of V-stitches to arrange them on. Please note this was the first stitch I learned outside of basics so it's not quite as confusing as it sounds-- it's just some new terms you pick up).

Beyond this point, you're branching out of basics. I was very experimental rather than procedural when it came to learning stitches, not minding the skill level. I ran into a lot of terms that meant nothing to me, but if you're learning via the internet, you can search terms very easily. Just by way of example, I've learned terms like third-loop crochet. Once you know the anatomy of your stitches, you'll get curious about what happens when you work around or behind a stitch and yes, they give vastly different visual results. The third-loop actually gives a very knit-like stitch that I love using on hats. Back and front post stitches are entirely used on the waffle stitch, a great stitch for thick warm hats and blankets. Cable stitching was once a knit-only technique but you can emulate the look by alternating long cross/X stitches in each rows. I've done basketweave and chevron stitches that use the same concept. The point here is to rouse some curiosity in your creative possibilities-- there are tons of stitches in crochet design! If you want to see some truly amazing freeform work, Russian crocheters are amazing at this.

As for patterns, you'll want to learn the acronyms/abbreviations and possibly charting. Russian patterns are notorious for using visual symbols rather than word directions. I find this more generous since it creates a universal language for sharing, but they are difficult to use for many crocheters since you have to think right to left then left to right for flipping rows. Make charting your intermediate curiosity since most patterns are written out. If ch, sc, hdc, dc, tc, dtc, ttc aren't second nature, that's okay. Almost every pattern regardless of skill level will have a key that explains ch = chain and so on. The key may be introducing new stitches and may or may not be included in the instructions. The hardest patterns will expect you to already know how to do most stitches and will only include stitch instructions if they aren't commonly used or if they themselves have invented the technique. If a pattern is lacking a skill level ranking or some details, you can often find comments where you downloaded it that will clarify or the pattern maker will have contact information otherwise. Be polite but don't worry about 'bothering' them. If they overlooked something, you are doing them a favor by spotting something they can update their pattern with that will help someone else. It will help them make more thorough patterns and better quality means better paid patterns.

As with all creative efforts, enjoy free patterns, but don't expect them. The most unique projects will often require you to pay and please, please, do not download pirated patterns to save a buck. Crochet designers will not stick to making innovative patterns if they can't afford to spend the time doing it. Not all of them are well-cared-for hoursewives or sitting on a cushy retirement incomes. Many are single women and men with other jobs because it's hard for a lucrative career to be had in creative jobs. People will haggle, undervalue you, expect you to treat it like a hobby or a passion and tell you that expecting to be paid is greedy or deceptive. I can't stress enough that people who do it as a 'hobby' are also often wealthy through marriage or lack of financial responsibilities and can afford to not take it seriously (just like the people you can't stand at your job who coast by doing little to nothing, they just don't value it the same way. Not less or more, exactly, but it's different). People who do things as a hobby also tend to feel they are novices. Here's another big one- they also tend to be doing it solely for themselves. They are making what they want, when they want, with little concern for the audience. 

Custom orders can be fun but they come with the added challenge of unknown supply costs and availability and unpredictable labor times. It also means they aren't making new innovative ideas and might be bored with making it for the 50th time. Yes, when making gifts, you often consider who you are making it for. But just like you selectively decide who takes priority on holidays, a friend of a friend is hardly someone who gets free or even discounted handmade gifts, let alone everyone else who wants to complain that you sold a $30 for $10 to a family member. Trying to haggle with a crafter's price is often how you'll end up being politely told to find someone else. A crafter is not a wholesaler. We have to evaluate what cost will make it worth the time and effort. It's not a matter of missing out on money. A skilled crafter has way more to consider than a lost sale. How many people would show up at their job if they were told you need to work for the next three weeks nonstop but they could only pay you the $50 it cost you in gas to get there? Yet that's exactly what some people's logic is towards artists. Yes, supplies ARE expensive (like gas) but if you're going to monopolize someone's time, there's no mutual satisfaction unless they are paid adequately for their time. When you contract someone for a freelance job, expect to pay at least minimum wage. Freelancers often have to charge you a 30% mark-up for taxes (because that is what the government forces freelancers to pay if you make more than $3000 in a year), supply costs, and if freelancing is their only job, they have to somehow manage upkeep expenses, insurance, as well. Wonder why freelancers are so 'greedy'? Well, because they have to make a living wage. You want convenience and quality, you get what you pay for. Go after corporate greed all you want, but don't take high prices out on freelancers.

In any case, there are your basics. Supplies/tools, things to learn, considerations for what you will do with the skill. I absolutely loathed turning crochet into a business and it didn't last. It's not something I ever want to do again. I can take the abuse when it comes to drawing and writing because it is what it is and I don't mind being accused of being selfish. I am and I'm not-- I might write what I want to read, but I also consider making it interesting for more than myself. Crochet is something I somehow take more personally so I don't take criticism on its worth as easily. I know what time I put into it and if I let any of it go, I don't bargain with it. I want to be sure that whoever I give it to will treat it well and treasure it. You can't mass produce crochet as you can with knitting. Every stitch has to be done by hand. I spent countless years learning it and it's the closest thing to mastering anything as I have come. Most of my creative pursuits make you aware that mastery isn't really possible. You can be really good at something, successful and considered an expert and still have things to learn. With crochet, there is absolutely nothing I have not been able to learn almost instantly. I have absolute confidence in it. All the more reason I don't tolerate underselling it. I will adjust any other skill I have to market it better because it's subjective. Crochet is a one-off piece and you like it or you don't, so you'll pay what it's worth or not at all. 

I could keep rambling. That's only the tip of the iceberg but my only general rant. I'd like to continue writing about the more technical aspects of crochet, but I may use a separate forum than my writing blog for that. There are many apps and sites that look for experts in special areas that might serve better. Blogs are hard to develop traffic for too. Much better to go to a site like Quora or Medium.

If you're here for the writer's blog, keep writing! For the crochet part, I'll update on this later.

Finding balance

I've let a few things slip over the unpredictable winter months, I must admit. Not just my overall productivity but my health strayed too. I spent Spring Break doing some planning and reevaluating.  I can't just step right back into the level of discipline I enjoyed starting out last year, for one. I'd crash on day one and that's no good...

So what's important? Well, in my case, I tend to either take good care of my health or work really hard on my creative goals. I've never made a real attempt to blend them together. They are very different beasts. Optimal health is a lifestyle just as much as creativity. Supposing 8 hours of sleep is a goal, there's usually at least an hour of self maintenance outside of that-- showering, shaving, brushing teeth, all of that fits in the bits and pieces. For some people, more than an hour but I'm a minimalist and I don't wear makeup. Creative pursuits are my work and I treat it as such-- 8 hours, 5 days a week at minimum. I don't set it on a 9-5 schedule but I'm considering that. Routine may be necessary in understanding what works. The first week, I'm going to try that. I've set alarms for breaks and meals to try to aid in time management. 

During the week, I walk the kids to and from school. This is an hour of brisk walking every day without fail but I'm going to start making it a slightly longer walk. I'm also going back to P90X3 but I'm modifying it for low impact until my joints give me the green light. And yes, fibromyalgia people, you can work up to this. I started on Slim in 6 to gain enough muscle to handle it. I still have the muscle but I did put on weight over the winter and am wary of stressing lazy joints.

I did a fitness blog where I charted my experiences so I'll jump past more details here. The blog was called Becoming a Different Shape. I still use it as a reference when my pain flares and I have to remember what worked.

In any case, diet takes some preparation too. Again, I'll spare the details but my plan includes an hour or two or preparation on Sundays and heating or preparing during the week can take an hour or two each day. As you can see, it leaves time to rest or work overtime or throw in another walk or two. The wild card tends to be sleep and energy levels which I have the most trouble with. Drinking water and taking a daily vitamin are an important factor not to forget and often the most overlooked.

This is a writing blog though so let's wander back over to that. Creatively, I've never had a definitive workflow or any clue how much I'll get done. Generally, I aim to just make good use of my time. Once I've clocked 8 hours, that's where I decide if I'm interested in going longer or taking a breather.

I know word counts or forcing yourself to write daily might be part of the mix but as a writer/artist hybrid, I often find I like to spend a full week on one or the other rather than bouncing these days. I've written posts that bouncing around works best but my discipline and needs change with the project. UnSung is a Titan of storytelling prowess and the cover art is also something that needs visual focus so I've taken to centering on one or the other so I'm very clear on where I'm picking it up or putting it down. My next books or next covers may need something very different.

Balance isn't always about finding the perfect routine. I need cheat days, I need rest days, I need a staycation even if I'm too broke or stubborn to relax for a proper vacation. I know I need to market to make more than $20-40 a month on this, but right now, I want the library before I create the demand. I especially want my first series done before that. It's complex and controversial and I'm almost positive people will misinterpret it but I'm also prepared to defend it. Balance is very much about understanding how to optimize goals. I suffer when I let one priority override too often. So that's the priority.

I don't want to solely focus on recovering the slacking discipline I had with diet and exercise. Then my work and creative needs suffer. So the name of the game is finding the harmony I need, to not let either become too much of an obsession. And I do have a history of letting things fall off so I cling too hard to things when I know I should be doing something else. You'd think finishing college and finding discipline would make those fears unwarranted but they always lurk. I'm going to have to trust my discipline more. I know I can do anything and I've proven that over the past ten years.

For the rest of you, find pride in your own struggle and accomplishments. Don't let a dark past or a bleak future overshadow the present. Right now belongs to you. Keep writing!

My Mind is Telling Me No, but my body, MY BODY!

Excuse the unprofessional and not very informative heading, but I'll lead in with its purpose. It's appropriate on so many levels that I'd have to reinvent the onion, but let's just peel back a layer or two here. For one, sometimes my mind keeps kicking me down, but I become physically ill with the need to make it work for me.

One of the purposes of this blog is getting creatives unstuck. Whether I'm talking about my own journey or attempting to offer up those experiences in a way that you can use them, it has some double-lucky magical property-- helping you also helps me. When you keep those around you pumping out ideas and inspiration, you can find a well to draw on when you are feeling less than confident.

One thing I discussed with my friend Joe today was how a prevailing mood can really suck the ideas out of you and make those people start to drop off too. It doesn't mean that your muse completely abandons you because sometimes he/she is in fine form and nudging your ass with his/her toe. (Okay, I'm switching to the traditional female default. Your muse can have all the parts or none of the parts, but clogging up the word real-estate is distracting and tedious.)

People often wonder how I can be both depressed and productive. Let me simplify it here. I wasn't always then and even now I'm not. 

Now I'm going to complicate it. I'm going to type in some hash lines if you want to skip ahead to the point, but for everyone else, get the personal view of things.

My friend Fermín passed away 4 years ago and it hit me hard. I was two months shy of graduating college and earning my bachelor's degree, end of January 2014. His last message to me:

That was it. Days later, I got the message from a mutual friend, Phil, to look at his FaceBook page. Condolences for his passing. He was only 43 and he came home from a conference and didn't make it to his bathroom before his heart just called it quits.

Further down on that message, I sent him more messages he would never get to read. Even after I knew he was gone, it felt like a place I could still reach him.

I worked at Petco for another few months, quitting in May. I decided I'd try (and fail) at a crochet business. It was disillusioning to turn that hobby into a business and I realized it wasn't the right choice. There were too many people in this failing economy that told me my time wasn't worth minimum wage. I'm against slave labor and I won't be paid slave labor. The increased demand gave me a condition called Trigger Thumb. I couldn't treat it because I was broke. I basically couldn't crochet for 3 weeks solid. It was pretty disgusting. I'd wake up in the morning and move that thumb and it would make a sickening pop like a cap gun going off. I thought the tendon was going to snap, but it healed.

That year didn't improve and I lost my dog two weeks shy of Christmas. Damn, but this dog was my best friend in a way I can't really help people understand. I'm not a very social person, so this dog followed me around almost all day every day, was excited to see me if I stepped outside to take out garbage and came right back in. I'm still tearing up just remembering him now. That little dog was a huge part of my life and the absence was gaping. It wasn't like a ranking system where you could prioritize spouse, child, or anything above him. He was my daily life and my daily life was now missing a huge piece.

For about 8 months, my cat then became my companion. At least until she acquired an inoperable tumor. We couldn't even let her out of basement because of the risk it would rupture. I tried to visit her, to bathe her, but it was torture. She passed away peacefully, but the chaos was in my heart.

That was 2015, about midway through. I thought I'd get through 2016 unscathed, but then I lost my grandma on Christmas day. And my fish started going into genocide mode, killing each other. Until I somehow figured out which species was responsible and nipped it in the bud. By this point, I wasn't really a stranger to the pain of loss. It's not that it hurt less, but I was reaching a point where I could either function or give the fuck up. So I functioned.

Two months after my grandma passed, I lost my mom on her birthday in 2017. It was internal hemorrhaging that they could only stop if her BP would come up, caused by cancer that was already late stage. The operation might have bought her a year or two of intense cancer treatment before she passed away. Her BP didn't come up and we had to let her go.

At that point, I hadn't been useless. I had already lost 60 pounds because one of the ways I came out of losing my dog was by starting to take better care of myself whether I felt like it or not. But it was the final straw on procrastination when it came to pursuing my dreams. I had been busily writing my first series as well and when my mom passed, I buckled down and finished it. She was the one person I talked with about writing them and because she was gone, I felt more strongly that I couldn't bury it. I published my first book in August of 2017.

To date, I now have 5 books on the market. I've released the first trilogy, its complete edition and UnNamed. 

How do I work when I'm not in the mood? I'm never that happy and depression always looms. Some days I'm really low and hardly anything gets done. Sometimes I start out feeling like absolute crap and make myself work. Sometimes it picks me up and takes me out of Kansas, sometimes it just destroys my house and I'm picking up the pieces. Long before I started losing people, I picked up chronic pain and had to learn how to not be a depressing person to be around already. I can smile and entertain even when I'm miserable. Unless you're the sort of prick that wants to see the 'real me' you'd never know it's a mask. Look, there are sometimes when you don't want honesty and that's when the person you're with is coping. The burdens are too great-- talking won't help, medicating completely annihilates them as a person, and their best recourse is to not be totally depressing. If it's so bad, how can we hide it? Because the alternative is total isolation, the pain of losing everyone you care about, and loss of purpose. We're being fake for everyone's benefit-- our own and yours alike. But guess what? We DO have safe outlets. It just isn't you and everyone we meet. We learn to compartmentalize, we learn to organize, we learn how to be useful even when we're broken.

All these people and pets are dying and I've made it about me. Damn right. Their pain is over. Whether you believe they've gone to a better place or think death is the end, it's not a place we get to go and we don't throw this life away on some promise that something better awaits. It's one reason I'm NOT in a hurry to die. The idea of leaving the people I love in any form of the pain of loss I've endured is a wretched thought. It's not for fear of hell or nothingness. I don't believe in hell and if it's nothing? Deep dreamless sleep is nothing. And it's fantastic. If people I've lost get that, that's comforting. That I don't get to see them IS my hell.

This is where the TL;DR people can uncover their eyes. lol That probably sounds bitchy, but it was funny when I said it in my head. Okay, but this is where you can jump to the point. That's more neutral and harder to misunderstand.

----------------------------------

There's no magic switch where ideas come because I'm at 'optimal efficiency'. That sounds robotic for a reason, because it can be. Most days when you're low, you're going to find nothing works. You go through the motions and it sucks. Still, you did something, which has a separate but motivational purpose you can draw on. Some of those low days, it clicks and you're flying. Don't expect that, but don't just NOT do it because it's not guaranteed to happen. The point is, it MIGHT and that's why it's worth trying. I might fire off plans when I'm sort of manic with inspiration. Sometimes I can meet those lofty demands, sometimes I mostly hug a pillow and scribble in a notebook without actually working. Own it-- you might not have added to your official word count, but it's real towards the process.

Today was like this. Spring Break, stayed in bed until 2 PM. Harassed people in message form, made coffee and pounded out some ideas for Part II of UnSung (you beautiful, terrible bastard of an idea, you) but didn't actually start it. Wandered over here to blog... this. That's it. I probably have an hour of sunlight left and I plan on doing nothing but mapping the location for Part II. I don't usually put too much into maps, but this is going to be a challenging space for these characters to explore and it needs all three dimensions of consideration and maybe a couple more.

That's probably the point. The onion is getting mushy at this point (also why I'm crying, I swear) but it doesn't really matter that my brain is full of doubt and fear and procrastination. I get more physically ill when I deny it. I need to create on any scale. I can't just have ideas-- I have to jot them down, sweat them out, put them beyond the 'I have an idea' place that my mind taunts me with. 

You'll hear it everywhere-- ideas are cheap. Don't take that to mean that ideas are useless. They ARE cheap. You need lots and lots of them to give them value. They don't have a set value, mind you. Only editors get to charge per word. A writer doesn't really get to place a set value on their ideas. I get to slap a price on an asset, but it doesn't protect me from piracy, you borrowing your friend's Kindle or my books earning me nothing in a used book store. Most authors will not make a living on it. And that means nothing to me. If I get time on this earth, I'll get there. If I don't? Well, I'll be dead and you can write a really stupid eulogy about how hard I tried. I won't be around to care.

I don't keep doing this because I'm merely a hopeless masochist. I do it because my mind is telling me noooooo, but my body, MY BODY IS TELLING ME YES! Seriously, guys-- I need this. Not just the passion, but the hope that it does pay off. I'm not going to pretend that I'm okay with the starving artist part. I want to encourage the same hunger for my work that I feel when I set out to make it. I want to complete you...

However, we have each day we get. If I waste a single one, I stand to lose several more on stupid regrets. So maybe today is not the day I work my ass off and churn out an amazing cover or get a 8K word count on my book. Maybe today is 'just' the day I set up points of inspiration that sow those seeds. Sometimes you 'just' and 'only' accomplish things of any scale. You know that it's a monumental step but you used those words humbly because you probably realized that ego is a shitstorm. 'I have only written five books' doesn't mean that your accomplishments are less because you haven't even published one. I know it can sting because I get sensitive about wording sometimes too, but I'm learning how to kill the comparisons. It would take a long ass blog post to really explain that I am humbling myself for the long haul not kicking down. I have 5 but I'm reaching for 50. Maybe one or more has bestseller potential. Maybe number 23, but I'm not stopping even if I 'make it'. I'm not throwing darts in the wind either. I might still speak in 'just' and 'only' because I've never had guarantees in life. My generation was one of the first to get decimated by lack of opportunity once we hit adulthood. 

Fuck that rabbit hole though. I went there too earlier today. I'll let the rest of the world argue politics and such. I'm here to help you escape or make sense of your troubles. Let me offer you a little place to start. If you read every word, you are probably in a vulnerable place. I'm certainly not a well-adjusted superhero. I just make decisions that have so far and through dumb luck kept me going. Count on yourself. No matter how much you've downed on your limitations, well, you're not always in the best place to see your strengths, but it doesn't mean they aren't there. There's a middle ground between your best and worst days, what your mind and body want when they aren't working together.

It doesn't matter what you think you can and can't do. Whether you're right or wrong, you don't have a clue. You go forward because the only way back is passive, inaction. You might find a lesson in retrospect or reflection, but camping out there is cheap. Not useless, but it's not going to secure a future. Use the present, realize the future is possible but just as unattainable. One thing my mom taught me is the value of the present. You might not be able to help that you are miserable or scared or self-hating, but you do chose to stand up or move your right arm or do the hokey pokey. You can drag yourself through every damn day until your body kicks your mind into gear. Yes, it goes both ways. Maybe you're stuck in a stubborn body that won't or can't move. Make your brain do the heavy lifting.

You can say where you want to be ideally, but life isn't an ideal. Working hard is sometimes about using the least wounded part. When someone says success came from barely lifting a finger, sometimes it means that their every effort went into lifting that finger, but it was the right finger and by sheer dumb luck. Don't worry too much about being misunderstood. It's bound to happen even with clever context or outright telling someone. You know your struggle and you know when you've earned the reward for that effort. Accept it humbly or scream it from the rooftops. Take what you need.

Sorry, guys, I'm TL;DR regardless. I want to be absolutely sure you get a valuable piece to take away. You get plenty of quote dumps on social media. I can do more and I will.

Keep going because... well, what else are you going to do? Keep writing because you have a story to tell.

This, Too, Shall Pass!

And who can argue with Gandalf?

I know, I know, that's not what he says. Welcome to my head. When I use this little four word pep talk, I absolutely see this epic scene where Gandalf goes toe to toe with the Balrog play out in my head.

It's certainly effective when the nasty fingers of doubt, the darkest parts of my soul, the things I'll swear with bravado are behind me because 'I'm stronger now.'

I'd love to say that is why I'm drawn to writing fantasy, that it's simple escapism. It's true enough that it's therapy in disguise, but it's not just there when I'm sucked into the darkness. In fact, nothing is in the darkness and fantasy is not always sitting there with its hand out, telling you it will all be okay.

You'll find that writing groups and author circles are often full of people that will remind you that this state of being is unexceptional. More often than not, the thick of it is also paralyzing and you'll see people panicking as to what they can do so that it doesn't slip away.

More often than not, I won't talk about those dark times and I won't reach out to anyone either. It's usually a good sign that I'm coping if I do. Often it's the silliest thing that tilts me out of those stupid pits of hell; the motivational Gandalfs or the British voice of reason (because oddly enough, a good dry insult is comedy gold for me).

This post isn't really going to go deeper. There are plenty of posts that will dive into the personal aspects of rock bottom, but since I'm writing about it, I'm just not actually there. It's like the absurdly wealthy trying to convince you they remember what it's like to be poor. Our brains are actually trained to ditch that shit as soon as possible. Even if we remember it quite clearly, survival instincts file it under 'let's not go there again.'

Last week, I was actually functioning while in a bad physical and mental state. I managed to do some coherent editing and meet my goals. It's probably because of that stubborn insistence that I'm not still in that state of mind. Do I want to talk about it? Not really because it doesn't have a catalyst, some current tragedy to explain it. It just happens. Well, aren't I ineffective when in that state? Eh, probably, sort of, but let me tell you, if you can still manage to pay attention to what you're editing in that state, it's probably pretty amazing stuff. It definitely means that some things have to be looked at again when I'm less foggy, but here's the thing-- it's actually kind of valuable. While ideally, I like to edit when I'm neutral about my work and when I love it, there's a gold mine in when you're sure you're going to hate your work. You're becoming your own objective audience-- you've got your superfan, your passerby, and your troll all right there.

I'm not really hiding anything; I'm just manipulating my own feelings into something usable. Armed with Gandalf, a sense of humor and a story, I'm ready to trample my trolls.

In case my people are wondering, I tackled an impromptu screenplay edit and finished editing the first part of UnSung. Tomorrow, I'm going to read an origin story first before tackling either proceeding with UnSung or doing some cover art. Either way, I'm armed with some pretty solid weapons in the fight ahead.

Do what you gotta do and keep writing.

Are You Word Shy?

Two posts in one day, but this one is directly inspired from a post about using little known words in your story.

Do you ever catch yourself wondering whether you should dumb down a word so that you don't lose an audience? I'm not going to tell you one way or the other whether your supposed audience should be considered or not, but I have a thing or two to saying about dumbing down.

#1, don't.

You probably have a special knowledge on a subject that means you sound like you're speaking a foreign language to most of us, but don't give up a big money word just because it isn't well-known. In this case, the poster wondered how knowledgeable her audience might be about a horse term. In this case, it was a perfect fit and omitting it would mean having to explain it. When you do this, you run the risk of infantilizing your audience. You may need to boost the context around it or just let your audience look it up and see why the word fits so well. I encourage you to throw in your special vocabulary and educate your audience... in small doses. Use the big word, then use a better known word to lead them. Don't omit them all out of fear. Let your audience grow into the knowledge that excites you and it can pay off.

On the flipside, I will agree that the reverse, using big words that you don't usually use, is usually a bad idea. The temptation to sound smarter or more diverse often drowns out your voice, the natural flow of your story, and looks very much like you've just discovered the wonders of a thesaurus. By all means, tap into your Word of the Day on occasion, but don't risk looking pretentious by filtering in words that don't fit your voice. When that day comes to address the fanbase you've worked so hard for, don't walk in making them expect a scholar and ending up with a grade school primer with a few pages torn out. Represent the talented storyteller that wrote the books. In fact, wow them a bit if you can. Don't build a house of cards and then show up with gum wrappers.

There's my two cents on that. I believe that novices always go in with shaky knees and a lot of questions. Take all tips with a grain of salt, knowing that your experience will be unique. Simply be aware of the consequences you could face. It takes gobs of confidence to win every small step forward, so make your steps with a solid base of consideration.

Thanks for reading and keep writing! I always try to help my fellow writers and authors build so don't be a stranger.